No Leniency

Sadly, it happens. A woman was sentenced to prison and is due to deliver in 6 weeks. She had hoped for leniency, but that didn’t happen. The minimum is a 15 year sentence, her earliest parole is 2031. She has no family who can take the baby (or be approved to take the baby) and she doesn’t know who the dad is. Her only option is foster care or adoption. She has been told by her attorney and by Child Protective Services (CPS) that CPS will need to sign off on any placement she picks. Due to her crimes and what happened, 99% of her friends have backed away from her, so there are no friends willing to take her baby. CPS will be notified the minute the baby is born and will take custody. She has a public defender for an attorney, admitted guilt and took a plea to get the minimum available.

One response – access to information is going to be the first step. Make certain she fully understands how her institutionalization will impact the kid’s systemic involvement. But you have to be up front and realistic. Once she is in the custody of the state, she has very minimal legal rights over the child because she’s classified as a dependent of the state and that’s always been their tool to remove or restrict civil rights and liberties from people. Her child will be adopted, if there are zero kin to step up for the baby. There’s not a state in the country that wouldn’t move for a termination of parental rights for an incarcerated parent with such a long sentence. This is a tragic situation where there are basically no options. Her rights will be terminated and the child will be adopted.

Someone else noted that foster care and adoption are likely not actually her only options. Depending on how involved the state already is (hopefully less because the child isn’t born yet) she can likely assign a non-family legal guardian through the duration of her prison stay. Legal advice ASAP is crucial. In my state, she would be able to sign power of attorney over as soon as baby is born and keep the Dept of Family Services from even stepping in – as a temporary situation at first, until a guardianship could be set up.

Yet, it is noted that because of the situation and history, CPS must approve the placement chosen and her attorney has said the chances of them even considering a private placement outside of an adoption are almost zero.

One person noted that even the most distant of relatives may feel compelled to help, if she gets the word out that she’s searching for someone with any familial connection to assume guardianship of the child. She shared this story – I know of a family who wound up adopting a child because the parents’ rights were terminated – child was put in foster care because no one in the family would or could take the child. The adopting family only found out about the child through the grapevine because of a very distant familial connection – it was one of the adoptive parent’s distant cousin’s or great uncle’s great-grandchild or something crazy like that. The adoptive parents didn’t personally know the parents and had no knowledge the child even existed but was able to get the child out of the system because of the very distant familial relationship. They felt compelled to get the child out of the system because even though they didn’t know the child or parents – the child was “family.” These adoptive parents were also past the age of “typical” parents – they have grown kids and are old enough to have grandkids or great grandkids.

One brings up the possibility of a conditional surrender. She would still have visits with baby until adoption and she could do the terms of a surrender to require legally binding visits until baby is 18. It is an agreement between parent and adopters (both sides have to agree to the terms). If adopters don’t follow the agreement, the parent can take them to court. As far as what the courts can/will do, that is an open question until it happens but the courts do have the power to enforce it because it’s a legal agreement. However, sadly all it takes is the adopters with a good child psychologist to go back to the judge later on and say it’s detrimental to the child to continue those visits.

And maybe it won’t actually be 15 years. One shared – What we learned after the fact having had no experience with the prison system, our son’s mother was sentenced for 15 yrs in federal with no option for parole. We assumed there was no leniency based on what her lawyer said. Now at 3 years in, she only has about 2-4 years left. I would highly recommend temporary guardianship.

And then there was this story with a happier ending – Someone I know ran multiple ancestry databases on her newborn because she was facing prison time with no viable caregiver in her family. She had casual flings during that period with no way to contact the potential fathers. She was able to narrow it down to a family. Several awkward phone calls later, she found the father. He eventually took custody (I think his brother and sister-in-law were involved for a bit too and they were foster parents, so an easier time of getting CPS approval initially, while the formal paternity testing was being done. She gave birth while out on bond before her trial. This process may be harder if the person you are helping has the baby in a jail or prison setting where she cannot access DNA kits. And the reply was – sadly, she is already incarcerated. And so this – Some states allow lawyers to petition for a DNA sample from the baby to narrow down paternity. She may need to work with a legal team knowledgeable about foster care and incarceration. I know it’s a long shot, but if it pans out the baby may have the possibility to be with relatives.

Fulfilling My Purpose

I shared a different graphic with this same quote from Mark Twain on my Facebook page today. I noted that I’m glad to feel like I fulfilled my purpose in life (reconnecting the broken threads to my genetic biological grandparents). And I added that I had no idea if there really is much left for me to do with my remaining years but as I yet breathe, I’m certain to continue speaking out.

Even though I absolutely would not exist – if it were not for adoption (both of my parents were adoptees), I use this space to share the uncomfortable realities about the impact of adoption on adoptees and offer suggestions that I hope may help some woman in a challenging pregnancy to reconsider her decision to give her baby up for adoption and perhaps help some adoptive or foster parents do a better job with a situation that already exists. My daughter says if seems as if I am on a mission with this blog and I will readily admit it is true. Having not been given up for adoption myself when I could have easily been (my mom was unwed and still in high school when I was conceived) and knowing what I now know about the for profit adoption industry, I do feel that as long as I can think of anything to say about the practice as it exists today, I will continue to post blogs here as often as each day.

It Could Happen To You

When I imagine my dad’s genetic biological mother, I think of her having an actual relationship with the man who, it is certain now, was his father. She did have a head shot photo of him and wrote his name and the word “boyfriend” on the back. She placed the image in her photo album next to a photo of her holding my dad. That actually did eventually reveal for me who my dad’s genetic biological father was. My DNA and his geographical proximity at the time proved it and none of his other genetic biological relatives were in the area. It does not appear that my Danish immigrant grandfather ever knew he was a father. Self-reliant woman that she was, she simply handled it by going to a Salvation Army home for unwed mothers in Ocean Beach California. Some month later, the Salvation Army hired her and transported my grandmother and baby dad to El Paso Texas. I don’t think she really wanted to give him up for adoption but I think she was strongly coerced just to do it. He was already 8 months old when his first adoption was finalized (he actually was adopted a second time and his name changed again, after his adoptive mother divorced the abusive alcoholic husband and remarried, a marriage that lasted until she died).

This morning, I have read two stories about one night stands that actually resulted in pregnancies. That got me to wondering . . . , other than my grandmother’s clear feelings that my dad’s married father was her “boyfriend”, I really can’t know all the details. Be careful out there having casual sex because it could happen to you if you are not careful.

One from LINK>Quora – I had a one night stand and she’s pregnant and wants to keep the baby. I have no desire to be with this woman. Does this mean I’ll have to pay child support?

The answer from a Relationship Counsellor – Yes, you are responsible for that child if it is yours. A paternity test is certainly highly recommended. You are under no obligation at all to enter into a relationship with the mother (actually, that would be a spectacularly bad idea!!) but you do have an obligation towards the human you created, who had no say in the matter.

You can draw the line at providing financial support only, but do think carefully about whether this is the kind of person you want to be. What will future partners think of you if you explain that you have a child that you pay child support for, but that you don’t have anything to do with because you don’t want it? If you have kids later in life what will they think of you when they find out they have a half sibling that their dad just abandoned? More importantly – What will you think of yourself? I understand that it is a horrible situation to find yourself in, but try to accept the reality of it as soon as possible and decide what kind of a man you want to be – then live like that man.

Going for mediation with the mother is a very good way to figure out a way forward, and how to co-parent, in a way that both of you can live with. Becoming a dad may not have been on your to-do list for the immediate future, but it doesn’t have to turn out badly. The one way to ensure you achieve the best outcome from this is to make sure that you have the most amicable relationship possible with the mother – this should actually be easier for you than for most divorced couples who have a lot of hurt and baggage.

If the mother is keeping the baby simply because she is against abortion, and not because she really wants to have a child or is in a position to raise one, try to talk to her about adoption. This would certainly be in the best interests of the child, and could give that child a loving home with parents whose biggest dream would be fulfilled by the child’s existence, instead of their worst nightmare. (blogger’s note – that advice is where I part company with this relationship counselor’s advice but it would be very common to receive that advice.)

If you don’t want to have children, please consider going for a vasectomy. This is the only option men have for taking control of whether they become dads or not, aside from never having vaginal intercourse. If you might want to have kids later, make sure to always use a condom, and talk to your sexual partners about their views on abortion and what they would expect should your liaison result in pregnancy. Too often men just leave it all up to the woman, assume that she is on birth control, assume that she will have an abortion if she falls pregnant, then they are horrified when they realize that they missed their ONE AND ONLY opportunity to influence whether they become parents through simple carelessness.

I do wish you the best of luck going forward. Sometimes a stupid mistake costs far more than it should, but such is life – I hope you can make the best of it.

I read another similar story in LINK>Slate – I Just Told My One-Night Stand I’m Pregnant. Then I Heard From His Wife. Apparently, I’m “baby-trapping.” (blogger’s note – I had never heard this term “baby-trapping” before.) A few months ago, I matched with a man on Tinder, “John,” who was in town on a work trip for a few days. We met for drinks, ended up sleeping together (with protection), and agreed that this wasn’t more than a one-time hookup. However, the condom must have failed because I very unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant.

She had several heartbreaking miscarriages and failed rounds of IVF and those experiences pushed her marriage to the breaking point and divorce. She was already at 14 weeks, twice as far as I had gotten when I’d miscarried in the past, and that the fetus was healthy. So, she is not unhappy this has finally happened for her. She writes – I decided to keep the baby. I have a house in an area with great schools, make more than enough to support a child, and will receive generous maternity leave. I already love my baby so much, and still can’t believe that this actually is happening.

Because she believed the man deserved to know, she tried to inform him but got an angry response from his wife. So, she replied to the wife – I truly did not know he was married and have no interest in keeping in touch after what was supposed to be a night of casual sex. I told her that this was a complete surprise to me, but that she needed to talk to her husband because he had gotten me pregnant, and while I was fine with him not being in the picture, he deserved to know. Her only response was to curse me out, accuse me of baby-trapping, and say that she wouldn’t be spending her money on my “bastard.” When I showed this conversation thread to my friends, they advised me to stop there and keep my baby away “from a cheater and a victim-blamer.”

Abandoned in a Cardboard Box

In looking for an image to illustrate today’s story, I was surprised at how common it actually is for parents to use a cardboard box as a bassinet. The story I read in LINK>The Huffington Post isn’t actually about this. The story by Shari Leid is titled – “I Was Found Abandoned In A Cardboard Box As A Baby. All My Life I’ve Been Searching For The Truth About Who I Am.” The subtitle is – “Now a mother myself, I often think about the emotions that must have swirled within my birth mother during her pregnancy.”

She writes – In the bustling streets of Seoul, South Korea, my life began at Chapter 2 with a cardboard box in a nondescript parking lot. There was no Chapter 1; the scant police, hospital and orphanage records offer no clues about my birth name, birthplace, or birthdate. My birth story is shrouded in mystery. It was 1970, a time when adoption, especially international adoption, was navigated with less understanding than it is today. Concepts like the significance of bonding between a baby and its mother during the first year of life were not as widely recognized or prioritized.

She goes on to note – Attachment, the emotional bond between a child and their primary caregiver, is now known to play a pivotal role in shaping our relationships and emotional well-being. My early life was marked by a series of caregivers ― from a birth family to a police station to a hospital ward to an orphanage and finally to a foster home ― before being escorted to the United States by representatives of an adoption agency to meet my adoptive parents. This early experience laid the foundation for the complex web of attachment issues I would grapple with throughout my life.

Not for the first time have I read this from an adoptee – the school project that I hated the most was the Family Tree assignment. It was a stark reminder that I was like a grafted branch, awkwardly attached to a tree that wasn’t originally mine. And the thing with grafts is, they don’t always take ― sometimes they stick out, not quite blending in, or they might not even survive if they don’t heal right.

She relates the effects of her attachment issues – In those tricky teen years and my early 20s, I struggled with trust in my relationships. I was continually searching for assurance, for tangible signs that the people in my life would remain steadfast, that our connections would endure the inevitable storms. Looking back, I recognize this was a dance with fear ― the fear of being forgotten, of being alone. Unintentionally, I placed those around me under the microscope of my insecurities, seeking constant validation of their affection and commitment.

Then she describes how becoming a mother affected her – Now a mother myself, having experienced the profound journey of pregnancy and childbirth, I often think about the emotions that must have swirled within my birth mother during her pregnancy. I can’t help but wonder whether she, too, grappled with a sense of emotional detachment ― an act of self-preservation, knowing she couldn’t keep me — and if she transferred those feelings of detachment and anxiety to her unborn child.

She notes that there is a profound power in having a birth narrative. Hers came by way of a psychic at a friend’s party. She was given the gift of a reimagined beginning. It is interesting that after marriage, she and her husband adopted a girl from China only to discover that this woman was already pregnant. This happens more often than you might think (an adoption brings with it a pregnancy). Her son was born a mere seven months after they returned from China.

She notes – We adoptees are not just the sum of our adopted family; we are the continuation of a history, the carriers of genetics, and the embodiment of potential that stretches back beyond our memory. Our birth families, with all their mysteries and absences, are still a vital piece of our identity, a narrative thread that is ours to weave into the story of our lives.

There is a lot of attention to Korean adoptee stories these days – 112,000 Korean children were adopted by US citizens over the last 60 years. The story author writes – In 2020, the South Korean National Police Agency began offering a service to overseas adoptees of Korean descent that provides a way for us to submit our DNA and register it with foreign diplomatic offices, in the hopes of reconnecting with our biological families. I provided my DNA sample, but to this day, there has been no match.

Not Judging Culture But . . .

Today’s blog is not about the people pictured above who simply represent a Pakistani couple with their baby . . . but it (the story) is interesting never-the-less. Not judging another country’s cultural practices either but I agree with the person who shared this. She ends on this thought – “Am I weird to think this is a terrible practice and likely adds another layer to the trauma done to adopted people and natural mothers/parents?”

So I’m Pakistani and I’ve heard of this practice taking place among *some* Pakistani families and it rubbed me the wrong way, based on what I know about adoption and surrogacy. Basically, let’s say there are two brothers. Brother A and his wife have no issue getting pregnant and having lots of kids while Brother B and his wife are struggling with infertility. The next time Brother A and his wife are expecting, Brother B and his wife, or other family members, will suggest that Brother A and his wife give up this baby to Brother B so he and his wife can finally have a baby. So Brother A’s wife becomes a surrogate of sorts.

I personally know a family that did this and have been asked myself if I’d do this for siblings, in laws, cousins, etc. I find this problematic because to me there is an assumption that the childless couple has some sort of claim or entitlement to another couples child. From what I know, a lot of women are basically volunteered, so consent is not fully present — family pressure is crazy in Pakistani families. “Your brother has no kids and you already have three, don’t be selfish!”

It seems men/fathers are generally much more amenable to this practice. There’s also some men who will marry additional wives purely for the sake of having kids/more kids. To me, surrogacy seems problematic for many of the same reasons as adoption.

Painful Reminder

From my all things adoption group today – I was SA in March which resulted in the baby that I am currently pregnant with. I have had a really hard time deciding what I should do as I already have a 4 year old and I’m scared that the emotions that I’m feeling could negatively effect how I raise this child. Some days I feel like I’m the best thing for her because we have bonded these last 28 weeks. But what if I can’t get past the trauma that I endured when I finally take her home? Would it be best for me to give her to a family that I hope would love her in all the ways that I wish I could? Or will I see her face and decide that she is mine regardless of how she came to be? I’m so scared at this point because I’ve seen a lot of adoptees say that they resent their NM for abandoning them and I don’t want this baby to feel like I don’t love her because even if she isn’t here yet, I definitely do! I just don’t know if the trauma will surpass my love and I don’t know what I should do… I’m posting this because I want the raw and blunt opinions of y’all. I want to know if you think that I’d cause more trauma keeping her or giving her up? As a mom already, I can’t imagine life without my 4 year old but I made those choices for her existence, whereas I feel I didn’t get any choices when it comes to this baby.

As I was looking for an image, I came across this piece in Salon. LINK>I got pregnant from rape by Renee Devesty from 2012 (so not in response to all the crazy stuff related to abortion being forced on women by extremist Republicans today). Actually, I remember the crazy ideas of Todd Akin back when.

Back to some of the thoughts in my group (adoptee voices are privileged). One adoptee said bluntly – “no one will love her like you. No one. Get into therapy now and start preparing to bring her home.” Another said – “If you love her already, that’s a very good sign. Letting someone else raise her is gambling with her life. I’ve always known I’m adopted, and the Complex PTSD didn’t show itself until I was 51. It’s been four years of hell. I’d rather not exist than be adopted.” That last sentiment I see frequently, including “I would rather have been aborted.”

A survivor notes – I worried much the same, that I’d struggle because they remind me of him. But they are and have been from day one, their own people. Even the traits that are recognizable as their other genetic half, are endearing in them. Your new baby didn’t have any more choice at their conception than you did, you are in this together. You already feel bonded, which is a huge sign that you can work through whatever trauma baby may bring. It may not be easy, some days may truly suck, but I think that is a part of parenthood even if the baby was planned to their first breath. I’m pretty sure giving up baby would be more traumatic to you than keeping baby, and it would be unquestionably traumatic to baby to be separated from you.

Empathy from this adoptee – “That something so beautiful can come from something dark & hurtful is amazing. Of course you can & do Love Her! She is a part of you right now. You are her home and her safe place. Please choose her, choose love, let her help you heal from your trauma. Don’t inflict the trauma of adoption on her. You both deserve each other & your other child deserves their sister too.”

Children of Men

I would have rather that they named the movie Children of Women but that’s just me. Children of Men is a 2006 dystopian action thriller film. It is not a world that any of us would want to live in.

It was co-written and directed by Alfonso Cuarón. The screenplay is based on PD James’ 1992 novel The Children of Men. The film is set in 2027, after two decades of human infertility have left society on the brink of collapse.

A single woman, Kee, mysteriously becomes pregnant and must be protected and assisted in escaping the chaos. After her baby is born, everyone is awed to see it. She finally arrives for sanctuary with The Human Project, a secretive scientific group dedicated to curing humanity’s infertility.

The effects on the environment of degradation had produced not only eighteen years of total human infertility, but also war and global depression. Director Alfonso Cuarón notes – “The fact that this child will be the child of an African woman has to do with the fact that humanity started in Africa. We’re putting the future of humanity in the hands of the dispossessed and creating a new humanity to spring out of that.”

It is definitely a cautionary tale for our ongoing extreme climate events today. I remember that my aquarium once became overpopulated with snails. I did not take any action but eventually, the snails quite reproducing and ultimately died out. I believe our Earth has the ability to balance Itself – and maybe COVID was some part of that. Who knows ?

Reasonable Fears

Today’s story comes from a mom who gave up her first baby to adoption.

I am pregnant. 13 weeks. I am elated. Thrilled. Totally ready. And the whole thing is bringing up trauma after trauma from my first and only pregnancy which ended in coerced relinquishment at birth! To note here, the adoptive mother is going to refer to this baby as his half sibling.. which I will NOT approve of. This human isn’t half of anything..its a whole ass human..just like he has only half my blood and half his bio dad’s. But he’s not half my son..just like my partner’s sister is technically his half sister but nobody EVER calls her that. Why don’t we touch on how his current sister isn’t even his sister at all, she’s literally a biological stranger as much as his adoptive parents are. His adoptive sister. So, nobody calls her that! That’s because it’s belittling the relationship to do that. It’s not right. So no way am I going let her call my baby half anything.

Anyway… I am TERRIFIED to tell my relinquished, teenage son. How can someone who was seemingly discarded, given away and unwanted (he was none of those things to me, I wanted him badly but I too was a teenager, which I now know was ok. But *adoption *agendas) be ok hearing that they are about to have a bio sibling that is wanted, loved, ready to be cared for by their actual mother and not discarded ? I’m so afraid of what he will think. How he will feel. What he will hold on to in silence and not talk about.

We have had an “open” adoption for the entire 14 years of his life. But literally, now we both sit here on the edge of a cliff in what feels like ‘reunion’. In what universe does an open adoption even result in reunion anyway ? Also in what universe does a grown ass woman that bought someone’s kid think it’s ok to stop communicating with her child’s actual mother and leave him to the wolves as a teenager, to fully manage all communication with this essential stranger basically. 1, 2 or 5 visits a year was NOT enough. And it’s certainly not enough to now have him out there all alone just managing this wild relationship by himself.

I make sure to message him every 2 weeks no matter what. Response or not. He hasn’t responded in like 3 months or more. Until recently, when I asked him to go for a walk and talk. “The talk” but I didn’t mention that part. He said yea, and asked when I was thinking. He hasn’t responded again to my suggestions. I literally don’t know what to do. Or how to navigate this at all.

Doing What Is Right

Former prison guard Roberta Bell (left) with Katie Bourgeois and her son, Kayson, two days after Bourgeois was released from prison.

Today’s Story – Link>Prison guard in US fired for taking in inmate’s baby: ‘It was the right thing to do.’

Katie Bourgeois had been incarcerated for a few months in a US prison earlier this year when she learned she was pregnant. “I felt panicked – I didn’t have anyone who would help, and I didn’t want my baby to get sent away with Child Protective Services,” said Bourgeois, 30, who was serving time for drug charges. “I wasn’t sure what to do or where to turn.”

Bourgeois knew she would give birth to her baby while she was locked up at the Louisiana Transition Centre for Women – a privately-run educational and training corrections facility for inmates within one year of being released. Bourgeois’s due date was in mid-May, about seven weeks before her release date in July. Bourgeois told some of the other women at the facility about her predicament, and several of them mentioned there was a corrections officer who was kind and might be willing to help her. The officer, Roberta Bell, was known to love babies. “Everyone said she was sweet and always kept her word,” Bourgeois said.

One morning, while inmates were lined up to receive their daily medications, a friend of Bourgeois’s approached Bell and explained the situation. Bell, who did not know Bourgeois, said she walked right over to Bourgeois and offered to help. “I knew it was the right thing to do,” Bell said. “When I asked Katie if she’d like me to come and get her baby when it was time, you could see the relief on her face,” she added. “She said, ‘Miss Bell, I’d love for you to take my baby, because I don’t have anyone else to do it.’” Bell said that sealed her commitment. She told Bourgeois she’d take in the newborn for about two months while Bourgeois finished her prison time.

“I knew that God wanted me to follow my heart, and I knew I couldn’t allow a baby to go to protective services when Katie really wanted that child,” she said. Bell also knew it violated the rules of her employment, because corrections officers are not allowed to give their personal contact information to inmates. She said she thought she might get permission under the circumstances. Bell told her supervisor about her plan to look after Bourgeois’s baby until her release in July. Bell said she could leave the baby during the day at a nearby daycare run by a friend. “[My supervisor] said it sounded like a conflict of interest because I worked there, but that he’d talk to some people in charge,” Bell said. “I didn’t hear back about it.” Officials at the Louisiana Transition Centre for Women and the corporation that operates the prison, Security Management, did not respond to several calls and emails from The Washington Post requesting comment about Bell’s employment. Bell, meanwhile, watched Bourgeois’s belly grow, and she waited.

On May 16, when Bourgeois went into labour and was sent to a hospital for the delivery, Bell said she was called into a meeting with administrators at the facility. “The captain said: ‘We’ve learned that your contact information was given to an inmate,” and he told me it was against the rules,” Bell recalled. “He asked if I was still going to go through with [caring for the baby], and I told him that if the hospital called me, I was going to go and get that child.” She said she wanted to help Bourgeois and decided to face whatever consequence came her way. Bell said she was hoping the consequence would not be steep. She had worked in juvenile and women’s corrections as a guard for about eight years and always enjoyed her job, which was only a 20-minute commute each day across the Mississippi border. “I was aware it would be seen as a conflict of interest, but I am a woman of my word,” said Bell, who had worked at the facility for almost four years. “I wanted to do the best thing for Katie and her child.”

She said she was terminated on the spot. The following day, May 17, Bourgeois gave birth to a seven-pound boy and named him Kayson. Bourgeois was sent back to prison to complete the remaining two months of her sentence, which she was serving for using drugs while on parole, she said. She gave the hospital permission for Bell to get her son. “I knew that Miss Bell really cared, and that Kayson would be in good hands,” she said, adding that she wasn’t allowed to see or talk to Bell. Once Bell got a call and was told that she could pick up the baby, she raced over to the hospital, filled out paperwork and showed the hospital her identification. Once everything was verified, she scooped up Kayson, buckled him into the new car seat she had bought and took him home. She also had loaded up on nappies, wipes and baby outfits. Some of the other corrections workers at the facility brought her a bassinet for him to sleep in.

About 700 women were incarcerated at the transitional prison, said Bell, adding that she learned to feel compassion for them while she worked there. “So many of them have been used and abused and have had hard lives on the streets,” she said. “I found that if I showed them a little love, it went a long way. I sensed that Katie was a good person who had just made some bad choices in her life.” About 58,000 pregnant women are incarcerated every year in the US, according to a 2017 study by the Pregnancy in Prison Statistics Project. Bell said that by helping Bourgeois, she hoped to give her some solid reasons to rebuild her life and find new purpose.

“I do know one thing – she has a beautiful little boy,” said Bell. “He’s a good little boy who doesn’t cry much,” said Bell, noting that she spent weeks feeding Kayson every two to four hours. When Bourgeois was released from prison on July 4, “it was further confirmation that I’d done the best thing for them both”, said Bell, 58.

She was waiting for Bourgeois in the prison parking lot that day to pick her up. She said she couldn’t wait to show her how much Kayson had grown. Mother and son are staying with Bell at her home until Bourgeois can find employment and save enough to live on her own, she said, adding that Bourgeois was considering becoming a hairstylist. “She and Kayson are welcome to stay here for as long as they need to,” said Bell, who also looks after her grandchildren every summer. “I’m excited for Katie and what the future holds for her.” Bell said she recently obtained a job helping one of her neighbors care for an elderly parent for eight hours a day while she considers future employment options. “Losing my job has been hard – my kids have been helping me out,” she said.

She said she is reminded that she did the right thing every time she holds Kayson. “To see his little face and his smile – it was just a joy,” she said. “And now, to watch Katie with him and see all of that love and the promise of a new beginning has made it all worthwhile.”

Bell said her dream was to start a group home for women recently released from prison who had no place to go. Bourgeois said she would help. “How can I thank this woman? She’s a stranger who showed so much love,” Bourgeois said. “If not for this angel, I don’t know what I would have done. I feel like I’ve found a friend forever in Miss Bell.”

Do Different Surnames Matter ?

Illustration by Barry Falls

Today’s quandary – I’m an adoptee, and my partner is also. I have reunited with my natural family and have a close healthy relationship with our adoptive parents. I have a seven year old son, who my boyfriend is looking to adopt, once we marry. My son has no relationship with his genetic dad (we had domestic violence issues in past and he legally has no visitation, haven’t seen him in 4 years) but I worry how my son would feel. I would never force this on him. We are pregnant and due in February. I worry deeply about my son feeling “left out” or “other” as he would have a different last name than the rest of us. I want it to be his decision on adoption, name, etc. He is very familiar with adoption as he has met our natural family, but again he is only seven. Legally on paper it would be much easier to have him under my partner, for health insurance and decision making reasons (recently he had an ICU stay due to breathing issues due to smoke from wildfires, also issues of getting him a passport, school meetings and involvement, etc) but I don’t plan on making that decision for him, as he hopes his father can get himself together to be able to be involved in his life again (as do I – knowing how it feels to be separated from biological parents, this has always been a goal of mine but the restrictions are purely for my son’s safety). Their reunification has always been a goal. Are there any other options for my boyfriend to assume legal guardianship or some kind of custody without severing the biological tie of my son with his father? His father is completely uninvolved by choice, as our protective order allows phone calls and such, and he just chooses to not engage. My son adores my boyfriend and they are very close. I just don’t want to put the weight of a decision like that on him, and I don’t want to choose it for him. I’m hoping there’s another answer.

In response, someone comments – My kids have different last names and I have a different last name than my husband. Everyone’s names are on the mailbox. I promise you that nobody actually cares, it’s your own insecurity about the situation. My husband is not my son’s father. You can easily get him on all the paperwork for your son’s school and doctors. If you are legally married, he can still be on your husband’s insurance without an adoption.

Another one adds – my oldest has my last name and my children with my husband have his. It’s a non issue. She never felt “left out” and why would she? From the age of 6 till adulthood, she’s only seen her biological father twice. My husband never “adopted” her, as it was unnecessary to care for and about her. She still has my last name (I hyphenated it when I married) and her sisters have their husband’s. Names don’t make a family.

More in this New York Times piece by Lisa Belkin LINK>Biological Siblings, Different Last Names.