Just Want It To End

THC Gummies look like candy.

Today’s story is from an adoptee who is also a mom (and it isn’t me) –

In February, an incident happened in my home while my ex husband was watching our kids and I was out with friends for the first time in almost half a decade. In that situation, 2 of my kids had to go to the hospital for ingesting THC gummies, from there Child Protective Services (CPS) was called and they took all 4 of my kids. I am still fighting it all to this day. Luckily, all of them are with family or close friends. My older two are with their grandma, my 3rd is with her god mom and my 4th is with her god mom.

My 4th, I didn’t parent as I should have. She was with her god mom 5 days a week, overnight too because I was made to work a god awful shift of 11am-9pm everyday, so by the time I was off, #4 was asleep and I didn’t want to disturb her.

Today my 4th baby is one.

During the CPS case, I’ve been pressured to give #4 up for adoption to her godparents. I thought I was doing the right thing since everyone around me kept saying how “selfless” I am for this choice after being talked into it. That it would be better for my baby since she loves them so much, knows their routine with her, and she “knows them as her mom and dad”.

I don’t want this.

I have thought this over and over. Judge gave them full custody already in April. They’ve paid almost 10k already into this adoption, I feel horrible for making them waste SO much money. But I do not want this and I don’t know what to do.

I guess this was more venting than anything, or if anyone has been in anything similar? I feel hopeless, and with a CPS case on me already, I don’t know if there is even a chance of my being able to get my baby back.

I’m not an awful mom. I have done absolutely everything the social worker has told me to do, I just want this all to end. I want all of my babies home and now I might only get 3 home instead of all 4.

blogger’s note – though these are unique and not necessarily likely to happen to anyone, the story is a cautionary note about what can happen. I do consume 1/2 of a 10mg edible as my “sippy hour” each evening. While it doesn’t directly “cure” my constant joint and muscle aches, it does distract my mind from them. Though I have 2 young adult sons who their father has made aware that I do this, I am very discrete and control access in a non visible location. My sons are too old now for me to worry about CPS and I have great compassion for any person who has to work such extreme hours just to get by.

One mother of loss had this to suggest – Fight it to the bitter end! Do NOT give up! At least if you fail in this regard, one day your child will know you fought for her! Also, do NOT feel guilty! You did not ask them to invest all of that $ into trying to take your child!

If anyone uses the attachment your child has to them as an excuse for them to keep her then suggest a transition period back to you – then they have no excuse for her to not go back to you! Tell whoever is in charge you are willing do whatever it takes to get your child back whether it is therapeutic visits, supervised visits, and/or parenting classes, etc., during the transition back to you.

I would then find someone else to watch her while you work after you get her back so you don’t ever risk anything like that again with them.

Please do not give up! You will regret giving up (most likely the rest of your life), but you won’t regret fighting to keep her!

When The Next Baby Come Along

It’s a longish story, so I’ll try to summarize it. A woman with 2 biological sons was approached by a couple at church to adopt their grandchild. At first, she expected the biological mother to change her mind but it didn’t happen and she ended up with the baby girl. However, it was all a very open adoption until . . .

That little girl is now 9 years old. Her first mother has had another baby and has ceased all contact. She plans to never tell her new daughter that she gave up a previous baby for adoption. Her husband is supportive, even though he knew this other daughter existed before they got married. The grandparents and other extended family vehemently disagree with this decision and remain very much involved with the adoptive mother and this older daughter. However, the adopted daughter asks regularly about her biological mother and her “baby sister.” The rules were changed for us in the middle of the game. What can I do to prevent her from feeling abandoned, causing more psychological and emotional damage to her? The involvement from her biological mother’s extended family complicates things. It brings questions every time there is any interaction with them.

From an adoptee – There’s nothing you can do about the damage her first mother is doing to her. Don’t focus on it. Give your daughter all the love and support she deserves. At this point, speaking hard truths with grace about her mom and drawing boundaries to protect her will take wisdom. I’ve had to walk this road from 10 to now. I’m 40. My natural parents gave me up for adoption with some expectations that I did not meet. Sometimes, if I look at the cold hard facts, there is a sadness and anger that comes, but my adopted parents loved me. I am so thankful for that. It had made me strong enough to look at the hardness of life but also taught me mercy so that I don’t lash at people because of the hurt done to me. Truth and mercy. They should always go hand in hand.

From a trans-racial international adoptee – having lovely adoptive parents doesn’t necessarily mean there is no trauma. When we refer to as “adoption is a trauma”, we’re talking about the relinquishment (especially at birth), the removal from biological family (even with “open” adoptions) & the legal severing of all biological ties. You can be the most trauma-informed adoptive parent who centers the adoptee and the adoptee can still have trauma. For example, your daughter refers to the baby as her “baby sister” but legally speaking, they aren’t sisters. You should consider that to be trauma. You can’t prevent adoption trauma from happening, when the adoption has already taken place.

From a woman adopted by kin – relinquishment is trauma, even when done as carefully as possible. THIS is a whole other level of heartbreak. It makes me sad and angry for her, that she now has to face being completely abandoned by her mother… especially with the reason being that she now wants to lie to the younger baby and pretend the other daughter never existed. She’s doing a major disservice to them both. The young mother also has some trauma. Even if she pulled herself together and got on with her life, even if she says she’s moved on, even if she acts like a giant brat – in spite of all that – it was trauma for HER to give away her baby. She gives clues when she mentions not wanting the new baby to know. She is judging HERSELF for what she did. Whether she deserves that judgment or not, isn’t the point. The point is that we live in denial and continue to make more bad decisions, when we refuse to face the judgment we make against ourselves. She feels like a horrible person for giving away her child, but she isn’t allowing herself to acknowledge that feeling. It comes out in her fear of being judged by her new baby. She can’t stomach the idea of that. So she’s hiding her mistakes. The option of therapy was avoided and stigmatized by the people who raised me. I stuffed it all down and put on the good, grateful face. It all began bubbling up when I became a mother. Figuring out trauma as a new parent is FAR from ideal, but it often comes to the surface when we become parents. Go ahead and get help for the child long before that. Brace yourself. Her mother has fully abandoned her and is planning to pretend to have a happy, perfect family with a new baby. It’s a multi-layered loss. Not only is she losing her mother, she’s also losing the chance to know the new sibling. You are the mother figure in her life. The chances that you will catch the fall-out and flack from the onslaught of emotions is pretty high. Please prepare yourself to recognize that trauma responses are NOT misbehavior.

The adoptive mother says – I would rather her not have known about the baby had I saw this coming. But the kinship adoptee responds with the hard reality – I can understand why you say you’d rather she not know about the baby, since it’s causing additional pain. As mothers, we want to help them avoid big pains like this whenever possible. But I’d like to gently caution you against that thought as well. Her sibling is part of her truth. For right now, it is extremely painful to know about the baby… but not knowing would be the greater injustice. The people who raised me hid parts of my story from me. They thought they were doing the right thing, I guess because they thought I couldn’t handle knowing. Every time some new part of my story came out, it was a huge blow – not just because it was new information, but also because they’d kept it from me. It destroyed all of my confidence in them. They were still withholding my truths from me when I was in my 30s!

One last one from the child of an adoptee – Is it possible that her family coerced her into placing her first born up for adoption? How much contact did you have with your daughter’s mom before she went into labor? You said the grandparents approached you at church – of all places. It sounds like the kind of family that would pressure and talk her into something like that. My dad was adopted at birth, his mom was 13 (that is literally all we know). The first mother definitely has trauma, if that were the case. The adoptive mother answers – I really don’t know. When we arrived at hospital 48 hrs after the birth, we talked to the mother and she said she was too young and didn’t know who the father was … but I can’t say, if she was coerced.

Is It A Just-World ?

Because I really do love trees, this image tugged at my heart. A new term for me – the Just-World Fallacy. It is often used to blame victims and excuse abusers.

In spiritual circles, one might hear re: adoption, “It was in your soul contract. You agreed to it.”

I am a spiritual person and I do have some belief in soul contracts but not as binding devices that eliminate free will choices and decisions.

Getting real – an infant can NOT consent to being adopted. Pre-birth? Who can really know ?

Generally, the responsible parties are the mother and the father. One or both may have been pressured or coerced, as in my mom’s adoption where Georgia Tann was involved. That is clear from information in my mom’s adoption file, which was given to me by the state of Tennessee as a descendant who’s parent was affected by Tann’s practices. My mom always thought she had been stolen. Politely, she would describe her adoption as having been inappropriate.

My dad’s father probably never even knew he was a father. He was a married man involved in an affair. My grandmother, the self-reliant person that she was, simply took care of her circumstance. She gave birth in a home for unwed mothers run by the Salvation Army and was subsequently hired by them and transferred from Ocean Beach, California to El Paso, Texas. The Salvation Army then took custody of my dad and adopted him out.

If my parents did have any kind of soul contract pre-birth, it was probably to meet and marry but it would take getting adopted to achieve that outcome or at least the way the situation played out in their real lives.

This leaves me definitely on the fence about whether their soul contract with one another included the necessity of getting adopted. Hmmm. I do know it seems like adoption was necessary for me to exist. So there’s that. Could it have happened another way ? I have to admit to that as well.

So back to that Just-World Fallacy. It is termed a fallacy because clearly in individual circumstances and events, justice is never a certainty. It is defined as a cognitive bias that assumes that “people get what they deserve” – that actions will necessarily have morally fair and fitting consequences. In spiritual circles, it could be termed cause and effect or even karma. “Just-World” has believers because people have a strong desire or need to believe that the world is an orderly, predictable, and just place. Related beliefs include – a belief in an unjust world, beliefs in immanent justice and ultimate justice, a hope for justice, and a belief in one’s ability to reduce injustice (which is what motivates any kind of activist and motivates my writing this blog).

In spirituality, we believe in a larger, broader view of how justice manifests. And always, we hope for an evolving and maturing humanity that rises above. I liked this graphic on empathy.

It Just Isn’t True

We really should congratulate people who have enough self-awareness to make an intentional choice not to have children.

A woman posted in a Facebook group that she is indifferent whether she and her husband ever have kids but she is feeling pressure by family (this is not all that uncommon). Someone in the group advised her to foster so she can “try parenting out and see if she likes it”. It saddens me that foster kids and adoptees could ever be considered a parenting experiment or an afterthought.

The world actually has enough people. It is time for society to move away from the idea that a married couple must have kids. It is an outmoded idea that has been instilled for generations. It is time to rethink that.

How many children does the human race really need to keep humanity going. How many are sustainable ? Isn’t it better that every child is wanted, loved and financially supported ? Truth is every woman does not have to give birth to children. As in life, parenting people come in all shapes and sizes.

Some people have children because that’s what they’ve been told they are supposed to do. This needs to change beginning with the current generation of parents.

Some people have children because they had unprotected sex (and protected sex isn’t 100% effective either) and find themselves having conceived a child. Okay, so it does happen. Let us then consider it as something to deal with – whether by elimination or by supporting the woman in a crisis pregnancy to keep and raise her child. It is the woman’s body and what she does about this situation should always be a decision to be made between her and her doctor. This is a bottom line value for my own self. If she does want to raise her child, then society needs to accept that for the well-being of the child, financial resources should be generously supplied – one way or another.

Some people have children because they truly want to be parents. You could say that this yearning is a real need for these kinds of people. If they can conceive, they are on their way. Medical science is also able to make miracles happen. If it is a true desire, then by all means, have children.

Some people do not want children. Do not harass them about what is honestly their personal decision to make.

There are plenty of other variations, I’m sure there are, that I haven’t thought of in today’s rush. There is nothing selfish about any of these scenarios. Selfish people can and do have children all the time.

I would hope that no matter your reason for having a child – educate yourself going in, so that you can be a good and decent parent, one who loves their child and doesn’t see them as an unwanted burden or interference with whatever else you would rather be doing.

And is happening to me too often these days, short on time – and so a short one for today.