Struggling With Forgiveness

A woman writes – I’ve been struggling lately being adopted. I’m glad I was removed from the situation I was in, but I’m struggling with forgiving my birth mom. Am I wrong for not wanting anything to do with her? My feelings have gotten stronger since I had my child and even though I debated putting him up for adoption at one point (because I was in a really bad financial situation) I struggle with understanding why I wasn’t enough to make her get herself together and be a mom.

Am I wrong for not forgiving her? And for being bitter about it?

I understand a lot of parents do what they think is best or they were coerced, but the state gave her multiple chances and resources to help her be a mom. Even long before we were removed from her care, then they gave her a chance for 3 years to get her life back on track. I’ve read the reports, so I know what happened and I feel anger towards her for it.

An adoptee responded – As an adoptee, I get it. I also considered placing my baby, because of financial reasons, but didn’t, so I feel you. I’m in a successful and happy reunion, but I get you. You don’t owe anyone anything. You are entitled to your very valid feelings. And now that you are an adult, you and only you get to make the choices that are right for you. And you get to build a beautiful life for your own child. And you don’t owe her anything. Nothing. It’s really okay.

From another adoptee – You are not wrong and you are enough. The decision to not do the work necessary is 100% on her.

From an adoptee who also spent time in foster care – My adopted mom (who I didn’t know wasn’t my biological mom as a child) couldn’t keep her act together enough to keep Child Protective Services from removing me. So I feel very similarly to you. I also have anger towards my birth mother for allowing such an awful person to adopt me. I don’t speak to either of them and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness and your feelings are valid.

Another adoptee with a similar background to the one above – I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused for 11 years with my biological mom. She would leave us for days to go on benders. I was allowed to continue contact with her and my foster parents always facilitated that, if we wanted it. I decided voluntarily to cut ties with my biological mom at 12, when I was finally adopted after 11 years of back and forth, and failed reunification attempts. After my biological dad died, even though they weren’t together, I decided to try to reconnect with her. She cursed me out because I wouldn’t tell her where my dad’s funeral service would be. I didn’t want her name attached to me. This was the day after he died. I was 18. I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I don’t want to look like her. I don’t want her to ever know if I have my own children. I don’t want to speak to her. And no, I do not feel bad at all about it. I’ve resolved it in myself. I know exactly what happened – I lived it. Painting foster/adoption with a broad brush is dangerous, as not everyone’s experience is the same and not all kids have a biological option to turn to. I did not. I am forever grateful that I am adopted. It was after 11 years of meth-addled Dept of Family and Child Services visits, neglect, abuse, and psychological trauma. I’ll never finish undoing what she did to me. Some folks do not deserve kids. That’s my truth and I won’t let anyone make me feel bad for it.

She also expresses appreciation for her foster parents who fostered 45 kids during their lifetime and only adopted 3 of us. Two of us are biologically related (me and my half-brother, who entered care, after I had already been placed with them for 8 years. They had guardianship of me and then took him, when he entered care, because it was what was best for us – to have the presence of a biological sibling). The third child, they had from the time he was 2 days old and his biological mom requested they adopt him because she was serving a 10 year sentence in prison and had nobody to take him. She said she would only do it, if she adopted him. They did many things most foster parents would never dream of doing.

Don’t Let The B*&^($@ds . . .

Daffodils & Dirt Sam Morton’s Album

That is not the album cover but the concept captured me. It comes from another woman’s Scottish story that drew Morton and has arrived in The Guardian – by Kate Kellaway – LINK>‘The hardest thing is to forgive yourself’: actor Samantha Morton and writer Jenni Fagan on the trauma of growing up in care.

The Guardian notes – Both women have used their work to process childhoods ravaged by neglect and abuse. Meeting for the first time, they discuss survival and anger, Fagan’s new memoir, and the state of the UK’s care system today. Jenni Fagan’s extraordinary, harrowing and uplifting memoir, Ootlin, is about growing up in the Scottish care system. Ootlin translated from the Scottish vernacular means someone who “never belonged, an outsider who did not want to be in”. LINK>Review by Sara Crowley. Samantha Morton is an Oscar nominee twice over, who directed and co-wrote, with Tony Grisoni, the TV film LINK>The Unloved (2009), about a girl growing up in a care home, which drew an audience of 2 million.

About Fagan’s memoir, Sam says: “When I read Jenni’s book, I felt as if we were twins. I didn’t realize there was another human being who had had an almost identical childhood to mine, and not only survived but become formidable against the odds. The similarities between us are bizarre; it was like when you do a butterfly drawing at school, then fold it – there is Jenni in Scotland and there is Sam in Nottingham… and we’re the same age.” “I’m a bit older,” says Fagan. “I’m still 46,” says Morton. “I’m 47,” Fagan says.

Both women spent years in children’s homes and foster care. Morton had 12 foster placements and Fagan 27 by the time she was 16 (with two unsuccessful adoption placements). Each had mothers who suffered poor mental health. Fagan never knew hers, whereas Morton’s mother, who died in 2017, is a known presence in her story. Morton’s father was intermittently violent and spent spells in prison. Both Fagan and Morton suffered abuse, got into drugs for a while, and had periods of homelessness.

If these stories are of interest to you, I highly recommend reading the entire article at The Guardian link above. blogger’s note – having learned I have Scottish roots, anything to do with that country always interests me.

Some Lives Are Difficult

Not the Girl in this story

Today’s story comes out of a foster parent help and support group. It concerns a 4 yr old girl who was placed with them when she was only 2 years old. Her biological mom passed away 3 mos after she had been placed with a foster family. Her biological dad has been in prison the entire time. She calls her foster parents mom and dad and has no recollection of her original parents.

She is now going to be transitioned to an adoptive home. The foster parents have tried to explain to her that they are not her parents and that she’s going to have new parents. To their credit, they are concerned about the trauma this may cause her.

They don’t want her to feel abandoned but their agency is not giving them any guidance about how to handle this situation. The agency is giving the foster parents 2 months to prepare the little girl and she will have a lot of visits with her new parents during that time period.

One adoptee stated – You should adopt her if she is fully integrated into your family and calling you Mom and Dad. You have no other option. If you don’t want to adopt her, then how has this gone on for 2 years?

Another blamed the agency – The agency failed the child too. They never should have let this go on, and should have been facilitating at least phone calls with dad in jail. To which the original commenter (who is not the foster parent in question) replied – I am not downplaying how the agency has messed up. I just do not understand how you can have a child living in your home and not advocate and be honest with them. It sickens me.

Then came a reality check from someone who experienced foster care – that depends what he’s in prison for. If he’s been in prison the entire time, then his parental rights were terminated before the child had conscious and accessible memories. If he’s serving time for any restricted offenses, then the state does not allow any contact with that incarcerated relative. My biological dad was incarcerated and not allowed to have contact with me because one of his charges was child endangerment and the others were drug related offenses within school zones. Therefore, there was no mandate or legal channel for visiting or communication with him, while I was in active foster care, even as a teen, and especially not with my foster parent facilitating it.

Credible About Foster Care

I’ve read a book about a woman’s experiences in foster care and in my all things adoption group I’ve seen many stories about really horrific foster care placements – of course, not all foster parents are that bad – but sadly, some are. They don’t have the love of a genetic, biological parent. LINK>Antwone Fisher suffered twelve years of abuse in his foster care home placement.

Born to a teenage mother in prison only a couple of months after his father was shot to death at a mistress’ apartment, the movie Antwone Fisher with Derek Luke and Denzel Washington depicts the horrific childhood he survived while in foster care. In the movie, homeless and on the street in Cleveland, he reconnects with a childhood friend and witnesses the shooting of that friend in a robbery attempt. At the age of 14, the real Antwone Fisher spent time in a penal institution for teenaged boys in western Pennsylvania, leaving at the age of 17.

Antwone entered the United States Navy, where he served his country for eleven years; nine years at sea, two ashore, four deployments and one forward deployment duty, stationed aboard the USS St. Louis LKA 116. Denzel Washington is the naval psychiatrist in the movie who assists him in the emotional journey to confront his painful past. Ultimately with his psychiatrist’s prodding, he finally finds his first family and experiences the kind of fraught reception that some experience when confronting their first mother for answers about their abandonment. There is also a wonderful reunion with the extended family of Antwone’s deceased father.

He wrote a poem –

Who will cry for the little boy?
Lost and all alone.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Abandoned without his own?

Who will cry for the little boy?
He cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He never had for keeps.

Who will cry for the little boy?
He walked the burning sand
Who will cry for the little boy?
The boy inside the man.

Who will cry for the little boy?
Who knows well hurt and pain
Who will cry for the little boy?
He died again and again.

Who will cry for the little boy?
A good boy he tried to be
Who will cry for the little boy?
Who cries inside of me

After his discharge from the navy, Antwone took a job with Sony Pictures Studios, working as a Security Officer for eight months, before he began writing the screenplay for his own story. On April 23, 2013. Antwone testified before the Senate Finance Committee for a hearing titled: The Antwone Fisher Story as a Case Study for Child Welfare.

Antwone has worked in Hollywood as a screenwriter for more than thirty years with an impressive fifteen film writing projects, script doctoring or script consultant assignments with the major studios. Antwone’s present screenwriting project is with Columbia Pictures. He is the screenwriter of his own story for the movie my family watched last night. I highly recommend it.

No Leniency

Sadly, it happens. A woman was sentenced to prison and is due to deliver in 6 weeks. She had hoped for leniency, but that didn’t happen. The minimum is a 15 year sentence, her earliest parole is 2031. She has no family who can take the baby (or be approved to take the baby) and she doesn’t know who the dad is. Her only option is foster care or adoption. She has been told by her attorney and by Child Protective Services (CPS) that CPS will need to sign off on any placement she picks. Due to her crimes and what happened, 99% of her friends have backed away from her, so there are no friends willing to take her baby. CPS will be notified the minute the baby is born and will take custody. She has a public defender for an attorney, admitted guilt and took a plea to get the minimum available.

One response – access to information is going to be the first step. Make certain she fully understands how her institutionalization will impact the kid’s systemic involvement. But you have to be up front and realistic. Once she is in the custody of the state, she has very minimal legal rights over the child because she’s classified as a dependent of the state and that’s always been their tool to remove or restrict civil rights and liberties from people. Her child will be adopted, if there are zero kin to step up for the baby. There’s not a state in the country that wouldn’t move for a termination of parental rights for an incarcerated parent with such a long sentence. This is a tragic situation where there are basically no options. Her rights will be terminated and the child will be adopted.

Someone else noted that foster care and adoption are likely not actually her only options. Depending on how involved the state already is (hopefully less because the child isn’t born yet) she can likely assign a non-family legal guardian through the duration of her prison stay. Legal advice ASAP is crucial. In my state, she would be able to sign power of attorney over as soon as baby is born and keep the Dept of Family Services from even stepping in – as a temporary situation at first, until a guardianship could be set up.

Yet, it is noted that because of the situation and history, CPS must approve the placement chosen and her attorney has said the chances of them even considering a private placement outside of an adoption are almost zero.

One person noted that even the most distant of relatives may feel compelled to help, if she gets the word out that she’s searching for someone with any familial connection to assume guardianship of the child. She shared this story – I know of a family who wound up adopting a child because the parents’ rights were terminated – child was put in foster care because no one in the family would or could take the child. The adopting family only found out about the child through the grapevine because of a very distant familial connection – it was one of the adoptive parent’s distant cousin’s or great uncle’s great-grandchild or something crazy like that. The adoptive parents didn’t personally know the parents and had no knowledge the child even existed but was able to get the child out of the system because of the very distant familial relationship. They felt compelled to get the child out of the system because even though they didn’t know the child or parents – the child was “family.” These adoptive parents were also past the age of “typical” parents – they have grown kids and are old enough to have grandkids or great grandkids.

One brings up the possibility of a conditional surrender. She would still have visits with baby until adoption and she could do the terms of a surrender to require legally binding visits until baby is 18. It is an agreement between parent and adopters (both sides have to agree to the terms). If adopters don’t follow the agreement, the parent can take them to court. As far as what the courts can/will do, that is an open question until it happens but the courts do have the power to enforce it because it’s a legal agreement. However, sadly all it takes is the adopters with a good child psychologist to go back to the judge later on and say it’s detrimental to the child to continue those visits.

And maybe it won’t actually be 15 years. One shared – What we learned after the fact having had no experience with the prison system, our son’s mother was sentenced for 15 yrs in federal with no option for parole. We assumed there was no leniency based on what her lawyer said. Now at 3 years in, she only has about 2-4 years left. I would highly recommend temporary guardianship.

And then there was this story with a happier ending – Someone I know ran multiple ancestry databases on her newborn because she was facing prison time with no viable caregiver in her family. She had casual flings during that period with no way to contact the potential fathers. She was able to narrow it down to a family. Several awkward phone calls later, she found the father. He eventually took custody (I think his brother and sister-in-law were involved for a bit too and they were foster parents, so an easier time of getting CPS approval initially, while the formal paternity testing was being done. She gave birth while out on bond before her trial. This process may be harder if the person you are helping has the baby in a jail or prison setting where she cannot access DNA kits. And the reply was – sadly, she is already incarcerated. And so this – Some states allow lawyers to petition for a DNA sample from the baby to narrow down paternity. She may need to work with a legal team knowledgeable about foster care and incarceration. I know it’s a long shot, but if it pans out the baby may have the possibility to be with relatives.

The Adopted Trilogy

Meggan Larson’s 3rd book is anticipated but not yet available.

Meggan’s story about Olivia Jackson is somewhat her own story – adopted by loving white parents as a baby, the half-Black teen thrives but yearns to belong. I know this from a blog on Meggan’s website – LINK>Half & Half But Never Whole.

In her blog, she writes – When I was ten years old I attended a summer camp at a new school. The very first day I became friends with a few girls; most of them were white and another was black. I was thrilled to make new friends on my first day and I remember going back the next day full of excitement.

I ran up to my group of friends and failed to notice the changed vibe. The leader of the group turned to me and said: “We’ve decided that we can only have one black girl in our group.”

I stood there confused because I didn’t understand. I was half black and I lived with a white family. Surely she wasn’t talking about me? She went on… “We chose her.”

She pointed to the other black girl who was looking down at the ground and then they all turned their backs to me and kept talking amongst themselves. I walked away slowly, shrugged my shoulders as though it didn’t bother me, and swallowed it down because at the time the only way to process that kind of pain was simply not to. I didn’t make other friends at that camp and frankly I struggled to make any friends at all from that point on.

The memory of that experience came up recently during a powerful session and I sobbed for that little girl whose heart was shattered. My daughter is the same age I was then and that fact broke me even more because I couldn’t imagine her going through something so awful simply because of the color of her skin.

You can read the rest of that blog at the link above. So, now on to her 2 books of the 3 she plans for her trilogy. Some details from Amazon’s page – LINK>The Adopted Trilogy (because I own a Kindle, the site comes up there, therefore my link, but there are hardcover and paperback editions of her books available at Amazon).

There’s a piece missing from her life. Will a teenager’s road trip in search of her biological mother bring her the healing she craves? Book #1 Adopted is the emotional first book in the Adopted YA coming-of-age trilogy. If you like relatable heroines, shocking revelations, and learning to trust, then you’ll love Meggan Larson’s courageous drive to enlightenment.

Book #2 Fractured picks up after Oliva meets her biological mother. That meeting had left her with more questions. Desperate to find a place she belongs, in book two, she sets out to find her birth father. She is convinced that she will be the one to save him from a life in and out of prison. When tragedy strikes, Olivia must decide what’s worth fighting for, and what – or who (her boyfriend, Lucas?), will be left behind.

(blogger’s note – that is NOT a spoiler, just my guess about the “who”, since I haven’t read her books yet.)

Meggan Larson is an award winning author (best selling on Amazon), course creator, wife, mom, and adoptee. She currently lives in Ottawa Canada with her husband and three children. She helps women tell their beautiful, powerful, and authentic stories. Connect with her over at her website, LINK>meggan LARSON – “Come Fly With Me”.

Family First Always

Today’s story – my dear friend is fighting for custody of her biological nephew (both the child’s parents are incarcerated for abuse/neglect for now). The child is an infant and currently in foster care. My friend put in the work and was approved by children’s services to be a foster parent, but they won’t place the child with her. And now they are saying that the child’s current foster family is interested in adopting him.

An adoptive parent actually answers – Fight for that baby! Family first always! She needs to email and contact daily. Copy every person’s email she can put on a email. Don’t be overly aggressive but stern. Every time I see this it makes me so mad. Prayers the right thing is done.

Someone who was in foster care as a youth note – At least in my state, she could file a motion to intervene. Our children’s court judge ALWAYS places kids with approved family.

Another writes – Most likely state law and Child Protective Services policy both prioritize biological connections. Find the statues and policies (handbook should be online, or at least it is in my state) and have her cite them in emails to the worker and supervisors. She may need to get her own attorney to enter the case but if she can’t afford that, I would go to the court house and see if there is anything she can file herself to enter the case or petition for custody and get in front of the judge asap. Idk if it would help to offer to maintain a relationship with the foster family (doesn’t have to be long term, but don’t specify lol) to ease the transition.

Another has questions – She needs to contact the state ombudsman and get them involved. Who said no? Contact their supervisor. Supervisor said no, go up the ladder. Is she in the same state as the nephew?

Another shares – Same state/country – different state/county? We had a similar situation with my “great/grand-nephew”, but also had ICPC (different state) placement to get through. The Social Worker for our state explained it to us that they are legally required to consider Family First placement. He was moved from a non-family placement to us at around 10 months. Sadly, baby’s mom and dad (my cousin) are unable or unwilling to parent the baby at this time, at least being placed with us we will foster that relationship in the future for him to connect/reconnect with his parents.

We were told multiple times things like this:

“that baby’s family (non relatives) has already been picked out”

Your involvement/help is not needed or welcome here

It is “all but signed off on for him to be adopted (at 3 months old)”

“maybe you can get the next one”

We persisted, because we wanted the social worker/agency to know there was a family placement option for him, should they choose it. We are currently foster parents/placement for him.

Adoption Fragility

Fragility is often called out in regard to adoptive parents. Today’s blog was inspired by a mother who lost her child to adoption. This mother admits – I am also fragile. It’s often pointed out in response to an adoptive parent’s fragility. I am working on this. What is helping is getting all the adoption conditioning out of my body, heart, mind and soul. It’s deep and intense yet this work is helping.

My image above came from a Facebook page called LINK>The Open Adoption Project which focuses on improving adoptee experiences by encouraging open communication. Regarding this situation, they say “Sometimes, tragedy turns to triumph.” They note, Stevoni, the mom that Aymee is referring to, was struggling with drug addiction when her kids were removed from her care and placed with her ex-husband’s wife, Aymee. Stevoni’s parental rights were eventually terminated. Aymee adopted the kids. There were years of struggle and heartache with Stevoni going in and out of prison. Stevoni and Aymee eventually laid aside their differences for the kids. The Open Adoption Project says the two have formed one of the most admirable open adoptions we’ve seen. Stevoni now helps incarcerated individuals recover from their own addictions and is an active part of her kids’ lives.

So back to the original comment – Adoptive parents often get called out regarding their fragility. She says, I rarely see them change. Then, goes on to share her theory (while hoping she’s wrong).

Emotional manipulation of your adopted child/adult (withholding important information from them in relation to their biological family, guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior, savorism, jealousy, ownership, etc) is not because you are blind to your mind games, these behaviors are intentional.

Why? Perhaps because it is dynamic and this behavior has been in place from Day 1. The adopted child is groomed to feel responsible for your feelings. You like this dynamic because it makes you feel better.

Here’s the thing. Mind games are not Love. So if you are fragile and choosing to not deal with it, this is not love. It’s dysfunctional and extremely harmful. If you truly love your adopted kids, work on this. It’s not that hard but it does take work.

I spent a week in Oregon at Jean Houston’s house and she talked about that John Lennon song, Mind Games. The lyrics reflected John’s interest in a book with that title by Robert Masters and Jean Houston. The book stressed tapping into our mental potential to effect global change. So, just because, here is the song.

When “Mom” Isn’t Mom

Today’s story is not from the source of the image above but seemed to fit anyway. It begins with – “I’m struggling so much with the hurt feelings of the biological mom.”

In 2020, my littles (ages 4 and 5 – siblings) were removed from their biological mom and initially lived with their grandma. I was a childcare provider in a large daycare center and they were in my toddler classroom (they were only 1 and 2 years old at the time). These siblings were super attached to each other, the older one protecting their younger sibling. They had trauma and food insecurity, neglect etc. I bonded with these two kids and loved having them in my class.

Then one day, after about 6 months into being in my classroom, they were abruptly given up by their Grandma (she was really struggling with the behaviors of the older one and was already raising her older two grandchildren from the same biological mom). She just couldn’t handle it anymore. So they were just gone one day, and the caseworker didn’t give us at the daycare very much info. I assumed at the time they were together. This was summer 2021.

Fast forward to Autumn 2022 and I bumped into the younger sibling with her foster family at a pumpkin patch and instantly started looking for the older sibling. I found out they had been separated and placed into separate foster homes, and more than once because they were deemed behavioral problems. I emailed Child Protective Services and did some digging. I offered both a home together with me and my own biological kids (5, 16 and 17). I did all the paperwork and training and the siblings moved in Jan 2023.

Here’s the dilemma, in the 2.5 years they were in the foster care system, their biological mom has done nothing to achieve reunification. She does show up for some visits, I think 7 total in the whole year. I applied for sole custody (decision making responsibilities) and she agreed, both fathers are incarcerated. She does believe she’ll get them back some day. I’ve offered them a permanent stable home and I will continue to supervise visits with her and the children, when she’s able to make it to visits. I’ve agreed to at least once a month, but it’s understood that at this time, I will be raising these children.

Both children started calling me “mom” within a couple months of moving in. At first I corrected them but it really hurt their feelings and I realized these kids just need a “mom” in title and I absolutely love them as if they’re my own. They also have chosen to call their biological mom by her first name, even though I always refer to her as Mommy. This is something they’ve been doing since before they moved in with me. This hurts her feelings so much and she spends much of the visit correcting them, which frustrates them.

How do I handle this gracefully? Or is this just going to be something that we’ll be living with? The children also run to me if they’re injured or scared and she’s gotten upset about that too. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but something has to give. In almost three years, she hasn’t become stable enough to care for them. She has suffered from addiction but is currently clean. I’m proud of her for achieving this but I’m scared the kid’s behavior towards me will trigger a relapse.

I’m open to all suggestions on how others may have navigated this part of the journey. Thanks!

One person shared – We try to honor all the mothers our niece and nephew have had. We refer to them as “momma – first name.” I’m momma Krista, they also refer to their bio mom and prior foster moms in the same manner. Perhaps this would be a good middle ground?

An adoptive mother notes – This is an emotionally tough situation, for everyone involved. It sounds like you are being flexible and respectful to all involved, and holding space for the kids to maneuver and decide for themselves what they need. I suspect it will continue to be an evolution.

Another one writes – I think this is a great time to have a conversation with her alone as suggested. It sounds as if she trusts you as a caregiver which is a huge plus. First/birth parents often struggle with seeing their children call another person mommy/daddy. And they do see themselves as being in a position someday to parent again. They typically experience significant loss and it can be a gut punch, regardless of the decisions that have created this unfortunate situation. Approach it from a standpoint of letting her know you are not trying to take her title, however young children will naturally gravitate to using mom/dad because they have to label people. We all do. They are also hearing your other children call you mom and its natural for them to do the same. Let her know that your only goal is to provide love, guidance and support for the children. See if she is ok with them calling you mommy Tish and them calling her mommy “her name”. This may not feel good but it may be a middle ground. Those babies do see you as mom. You are their safety and comfort. They don’t understand all the other stuff, so it makes sense that it would confuse them. This will be a challenging situation but helping her understand that she is still an important part of their lives should be the focus. This is heavy stuff. Breathe deeply through it.

Another said something similar – Sit down with her (and not in the presence of the kids) and tell her to stop correcting them when they call you mom because you are ALSO “their mother” now. You are the one doing all the “mom” things all the time. This doesn’t take away from the truth that she gave birth to them but she has to know her role at the moment in the play we call Life. Remind her, that when they get hurt they’re going to run to you because you’re the one who takes care of them day in and day out. Tell her it’s like when your sibling comes over with their kids, they will love on you and stuff but if anything goes south those kids are going to run to your sibling, even though you’re their aunt and very close.

Doing What Is Right

Former prison guard Roberta Bell (left) with Katie Bourgeois and her son, Kayson, two days after Bourgeois was released from prison.

Today’s Story – Link>Prison guard in US fired for taking in inmate’s baby: ‘It was the right thing to do.’

Katie Bourgeois had been incarcerated for a few months in a US prison earlier this year when she learned she was pregnant. “I felt panicked – I didn’t have anyone who would help, and I didn’t want my baby to get sent away with Child Protective Services,” said Bourgeois, 30, who was serving time for drug charges. “I wasn’t sure what to do or where to turn.”

Bourgeois knew she would give birth to her baby while she was locked up at the Louisiana Transition Centre for Women – a privately-run educational and training corrections facility for inmates within one year of being released. Bourgeois’s due date was in mid-May, about seven weeks before her release date in July. Bourgeois told some of the other women at the facility about her predicament, and several of them mentioned there was a corrections officer who was kind and might be willing to help her. The officer, Roberta Bell, was known to love babies. “Everyone said she was sweet and always kept her word,” Bourgeois said.

One morning, while inmates were lined up to receive their daily medications, a friend of Bourgeois’s approached Bell and explained the situation. Bell, who did not know Bourgeois, said she walked right over to Bourgeois and offered to help. “I knew it was the right thing to do,” Bell said. “When I asked Katie if she’d like me to come and get her baby when it was time, you could see the relief on her face,” she added. “She said, ‘Miss Bell, I’d love for you to take my baby, because I don’t have anyone else to do it.’” Bell said that sealed her commitment. She told Bourgeois she’d take in the newborn for about two months while Bourgeois finished her prison time.

“I knew that God wanted me to follow my heart, and I knew I couldn’t allow a baby to go to protective services when Katie really wanted that child,” she said. Bell also knew it violated the rules of her employment, because corrections officers are not allowed to give their personal contact information to inmates. She said she thought she might get permission under the circumstances. Bell told her supervisor about her plan to look after Bourgeois’s baby until her release in July. Bell said she could leave the baby during the day at a nearby daycare run by a friend. “[My supervisor] said it sounded like a conflict of interest because I worked there, but that he’d talk to some people in charge,” Bell said. “I didn’t hear back about it.” Officials at the Louisiana Transition Centre for Women and the corporation that operates the prison, Security Management, did not respond to several calls and emails from The Washington Post requesting comment about Bell’s employment. Bell, meanwhile, watched Bourgeois’s belly grow, and she waited.

On May 16, when Bourgeois went into labour and was sent to a hospital for the delivery, Bell said she was called into a meeting with administrators at the facility. “The captain said: ‘We’ve learned that your contact information was given to an inmate,” and he told me it was against the rules,” Bell recalled. “He asked if I was still going to go through with [caring for the baby], and I told him that if the hospital called me, I was going to go and get that child.” She said she wanted to help Bourgeois and decided to face whatever consequence came her way. Bell said she was hoping the consequence would not be steep. She had worked in juvenile and women’s corrections as a guard for about eight years and always enjoyed her job, which was only a 20-minute commute each day across the Mississippi border. “I was aware it would be seen as a conflict of interest, but I am a woman of my word,” said Bell, who had worked at the facility for almost four years. “I wanted to do the best thing for Katie and her child.”

She said she was terminated on the spot. The following day, May 17, Bourgeois gave birth to a seven-pound boy and named him Kayson. Bourgeois was sent back to prison to complete the remaining two months of her sentence, which she was serving for using drugs while on parole, she said. She gave the hospital permission for Bell to get her son. “I knew that Miss Bell really cared, and that Kayson would be in good hands,” she said, adding that she wasn’t allowed to see or talk to Bell. Once Bell got a call and was told that she could pick up the baby, she raced over to the hospital, filled out paperwork and showed the hospital her identification. Once everything was verified, she scooped up Kayson, buckled him into the new car seat she had bought and took him home. She also had loaded up on nappies, wipes and baby outfits. Some of the other corrections workers at the facility brought her a bassinet for him to sleep in.

About 700 women were incarcerated at the transitional prison, said Bell, adding that she learned to feel compassion for them while she worked there. “So many of them have been used and abused and have had hard lives on the streets,” she said. “I found that if I showed them a little love, it went a long way. I sensed that Katie was a good person who had just made some bad choices in her life.” About 58,000 pregnant women are incarcerated every year in the US, according to a 2017 study by the Pregnancy in Prison Statistics Project. Bell said that by helping Bourgeois, she hoped to give her some solid reasons to rebuild her life and find new purpose.

“I do know one thing – she has a beautiful little boy,” said Bell. “He’s a good little boy who doesn’t cry much,” said Bell, noting that she spent weeks feeding Kayson every two to four hours. When Bourgeois was released from prison on July 4, “it was further confirmation that I’d done the best thing for them both”, said Bell, 58.

She was waiting for Bourgeois in the prison parking lot that day to pick her up. She said she couldn’t wait to show her how much Kayson had grown. Mother and son are staying with Bell at her home until Bourgeois can find employment and save enough to live on her own, she said, adding that Bourgeois was considering becoming a hairstylist. “She and Kayson are welcome to stay here for as long as they need to,” said Bell, who also looks after her grandchildren every summer. “I’m excited for Katie and what the future holds for her.” Bell said she recently obtained a job helping one of her neighbors care for an elderly parent for eight hours a day while she considers future employment options. “Losing my job has been hard – my kids have been helping me out,” she said.

She said she is reminded that she did the right thing every time she holds Kayson. “To see his little face and his smile – it was just a joy,” she said. “And now, to watch Katie with him and see all of that love and the promise of a new beginning has made it all worthwhile.”

Bell said her dream was to start a group home for women recently released from prison who had no place to go. Bourgeois said she would help. “How can I thank this woman? She’s a stranger who showed so much love,” Bourgeois said. “If not for this angel, I don’t know what I would have done. I feel like I’ve found a friend forever in Miss Bell.”