Tag: Private Adoption

Judges Pro Narrative

Mary Rhodes Russell, MO Supreme Court Chief Justice

Our weekly local newspaper, The Democrat-News (hilarious if you realize how red Missouri is) had an op-ed by our MO Supreme Court Chief Justice, Mary Rhodes Russell, that was a pro-adoption narrative given legal standing. Really not a surprise. Many judges LOVE the great PR value of an adoption finalization hearing.

I’ll spare you all the sweet retelling of the incident. To her credit, she explains the three ways that the adoption of a child takes place. [1] Private agreement (in my family, there were two kinds – one an attorney represented and one a religion represented). She mentions an organization pairing the adoptive parents with an available child. [2] Step-parent adoption (fairly obviously straight forward). She does indicate “after the other natural parent has abandoned the child or otherwise has legally given up parental rights.” My daughter did have a step-mother helping my ex-husband raise her. Though there were times when I was not reachable that could have been considered abandonment, the truth is I was frequently in touch most of her childhood and contributed funds when asked (though when I had custody, my ex refused to make child support payments).

Lastly, there is [3] is an aspect of the juvenile justice system in the state of Missouri. These are cases of the child having been abused, neglected or abandoned and considered “in need of a permanent home elsewhere.”

She shares how a judge goes about deciding a case. Recommendations by the Division of Family Services and the results of a home study by one of their personnel. The local juvenile office provides the judge with their report. The child has a guardian ad litem appointed (to act as their attorney). She brings up the foster care system, noting there are not enough foster parents to meet the demand for them. It is only when the child can not be reunified with their genetic, biological parent that an adoption can occur. She also mentions the CASA volunteers. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocates. She believes these volunteers bring about shorter foster care periods for the child they represent.

Maybe It IS Better Sometimes

Generally speaking, I am NOT in favor of adoption. I know too much about the trauma that most adoptees suffer, if only unconsciously because of rejection and abandonment issues, not to believe that family preservation, support, therapy and encouragement to remain together is best. A lot of children were adopted out from about 1930 through and into the 1970s (when the number of available infants linked to single, unwed mother diminished due to the availability of abortion).

Still, reading this story today, I understand why this adoptee feels blessed to have been adopted.

My biological parents were married to each other, but both were meth addicts. A maternal great aunt helped care for me and wanted to adopt me, but my parents took me to a private attorney and handed over a 13-month old me in exchange for $45,000 cash in 1978. Talk about unethical!

I met that great aunt again at age 21, and she was very happy to be reunited with me. She cried and apologized for not getting me herself – but she was very poor, living in a tiny rural town in the middle of nowhere, supported by her long-haul truck driver husband. They had a mobile home, and three of my younger siblings were in their care.

All 5 of them are chain smokers, even my siblings were in middle and high school age ranges! My brothers and sister shared a single room. It was shocking to me.

I’d grown up an only child of middle class adoptive parents, both of whom have advanced degrees. They aren’t perfect, but they gave me opportunities I never would have had, if I’d been kept with my great aunt.

Ideally, I wish my mother had been given support to get clean, to escape her abusive family and community. The multi-generational trauma ran deep in my maternal family. But finally, at the age of 43, I’m able to say that I got the very best deal of all of my siblings – including my two youngest half-brothers who were raised by their father’s parents, and my older sister, who was put up for adoption at birth.

I always wondered who I’d be, and what I’d be doing if I’d not been adopted, and I’m grateful for who I am, even though I know it came with intense trauma.

Though my mom yearned to know her original mother, she was able to say to me near the end of her life (knowing that her original mother had already died), that she was glad she had been adopted. She really couldn’t know what her life would have been like. Her mother lacked familial support and though married was estranged from my mom’s father, who didn’t answer a request from the juvenile court about his obligation to support my grandmother and mom.

When I met a cousin related to my original maternal grandfather, she said they were very poor. He was a widow struggling to support 4 other children. They were so poor her own mother often went to bed hungry, living in a shelter so minimal, the chickens roosting under the house could be seen through the floor boards.

My mom was raised in a financially secure family with a mother who had an advanced education and was highly accomplished in her own life’s expressions. Her adoptive father was a banker and got a lucky ground-floor break on a friend’s stock offering (which became Circle K Stores). There was wealth and I grew up seeing that. My dad’s adoptive parents were poor entrepreneurs with a home-based drapery business that my dad helped out in, even though he had full employment and a family of his own to raise.

Life is and sometimes circumstances aren’t so great. If one is lucky, they are able to be thankful for the circumstances they grew up within. Though my family was struggling middle class, we were loved and cared about. It was good enough.