Feeling Alone

Today’s story – Adopted at birth. Black child adopted by white family. Intense borderline personality disorder and identity issues. Constant shame. Why do I feel this way! My adoptive parents were always good to me. My adoptive mother said she understands but refuses to read literature about how traumatized I am because she doesn’t like non fiction.

Fast forward to August of last year I took an Ancestry DNA test. My birth mother was indifferent when I found her, but my birth father was brimming with joy that he had a daughter. My mom never told him she was pregnant. They had a fling in the military together years ago. Anyways, I look just like my dad and he’s already spoke about the guilt he feels missing out on my life. He loves my kids (his grand kids) and he is flying us out to visit him this winter. He’s a great man and I finally found my family. Why do I still feel so alone?

Some thoughts –

One adoptee noted – The abandonment is so real. It’s just a part of who I am.

Another adoptee writes – Lifelong trauma is something that can be lessened over time but unfortunately it will always be there to some degree. I am 76 and will never be rid of some of the ‘stuff’. I do take some comfort and closure in knowing who I am and where I came from. I hope in time you can take comfort in that and develop a longlasting and close relationship with your birth dad. My heart goes out to you.

Another person calls it out – Not liking nonfiction is an absolutely ridiculous excuse to not read about the trauma of adoption (particularly transracial adoption). I’m so sorry she isn’t willing to do that for you.

Another adoptee acknowledges – reunion sometimes feels like it will fix everything but it doesn’t, unfortunately. There is more grief to process in that we missed out on so much time with biological family and even though there can be instant and great connections, we still don’t feel truly a part of the family.

An adoptee in reunion notes – I’ve been in reunion for over 10 years and still feel lonely, even though it’s all been really great. I think it’s just a part of who we became when we were taken away. I wish we could feel instantly better, when we find answers to our history but this is also why I always talk to everyone about adoption and all it’s myths because doing this to people is just so messed up. We had no say in this but yet we are the ones that have to deal with all the ramifications.

One adoptee admits – I never really made the connection. I have had a lovely reunion with my dad as well, but you are right. I constantly tell my husband, I feel alone. I just don’t fit anywhere. I’m dealing with it. It’s a process though.

An interesting explanation from an adoptee – Our brains have been rewired for protection instead of connection. We literally had our brains synapses and pathways changed in order to survive in a world without connection. My psychologist described it as “what we are told is love for us is survival and trauma bonding”. When our whole concept of love is based on this, is it any wonder we struggle to understand connection. I did until I had my own babies and that in itself was a devastating reality. Even with them, my little family and reunion of sorts, I still feel utterly alone like an alien dropped into a moonscape. We are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.

Some advice from someone who facilitates reunions – Why is it not enough? Because it is not enough – it is so much less than you deserve. Why can’t your mother behave the way your father is behaving? Why can’t you matter to her, the way you matter to him? It hurts because your getting only half of what you are entitled to – what every person born is entitled to. You are not ungrateful for what you have —you are necessarily anguished for the absence of something every person deserves and every person actually needs to feel complete and secure – having two parents that care about you. Humans are resilient. They can endure and survive horrible losses and violations and trauma. They can realize their inherent value, even after they’ve been abused and mistreated. They can move on but to expect them not to feel let down, when their parent is indifferent, is just not fair to a person in that situation. Don’t let your birth mother stop you from reaching out to your maternal relatives. They may think you are wonderful and want very much to know you.

A Very Sad Story

Malcolm Latif Shabazz, grandson of Malcolm X

I was tracking down this quote for our Independence Day –

“You’re not supposed to be so blind with patriotism
that you can’t face reality.
Wrong is wrong, no matter who says it.”
~ Malcolm X

When I encountered the story of his grandson, Malcolm Latif Shabazz. I didn’t know the story until today, though it is an old one.

In Philadelphia, one landlord there remembered frequently having to let young Malcolm into the apartment because his mother was not at home. Malcolm showed some evidence of disturbance as a child. As a three-year-old, he reportedly set fire to his shoes.

In 1995, his mother Qubilah was charged with trying to hire an assassin to kill Louis Farrakhan. Under the terms of her plea agreement, she was required to undergo psychological counseling and treatment for drug and alcohol abuse for a two-year period in order to avoid a prison sentence. For the duration of her treatment, ten-year-old Malcolm was sent to live with Betty at her apartment in Yonkers NY.

In 1997, his mother called the police saying she wanted him committed to a mental hospital. After a brief stay, Malcolm was released. His mother said she was going to place him in foster care but sent Malcolm back to New York on April 26 to live with his grandmother instead.

On June 1 1997, Malcolm Shabazz (then 12 years old) started a fire in Betty Shabazz’s apartment. She suffered burns over 80 percent of her body. The police found Malcolm wandering the streets, barefoot and reeking of gasoline. Betty Shabazz died of her injuries on June 23 1997. At a hearing, experts described Malcolm as psychotic and schizophrenic. He was also described as “brilliant but disturbed.”

His lawyers accepted that he started the fire but argued he intended no real harm to his grandmother. Shabazz pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 18 months of juvenile detention at Hillcrest Education Center in Pittsfield MA for manslaughter and arson, with possible annual extensions until his 18th birthday. Shabazz was eventually released after four years.

His version of the fire and the events leading up to it – he had been unhappy living in New York with his grandmother and had stated: “Being bad, doing anything to get them to send me back to my mother. Then I got the idea to set the fire.” Shabazz continued: “I set a fire in the hallway, and I didn’t think the whole thing through thoroughly, but she didn’t have to run through that fire … There was another way out of the house from her room. I guess what she thought was, I was stuck, and she had to run and get me because it was in front of my room as well. She ran through the fire. I did not picture that happening, that she would do that.”

Shabazz died in Mexico City on May 9 2013, at the age of 28. He was said to be on a tour to demand more rights for Mexican construction workers relocated to the US. His body, which according to prosecutors had been badly beaten with a rod of some kind, was found in the street in Plaza Garibaldi, a busy tourist spot.

Malcolm Latif Shabazz was survived by his mother and his two daughters. He was buried in Ferncliff Cemetery in Hartsdale NY, near the graves of his grandparents, Malcolm X and Betty Shabazz.

“When a person is unable to complete a mourning task in childhood, he either has to surrender his emotions in order that they do not suddenly overwhelm him, or else he may be haunted constantly throughout his life with a sadness for which he can never find an appropriate explanation.”
~ Wyatt Emory Cooper, The Importance of Grieving

Those Pesky DNA Surprises

In this age of inexpensive DNA testing and matching – it happens. In The Guardian’s advice column by Annalisa Barbieri, a woman notes and then asks LINK>”I just found out who my real father is. What do I do now?” To which the columnist offers some reasonable advice – “DNA tests can reveal some huge hidden secrets. Take time to process your own feelings before coming to terms with your new family tree.”

The woman writes – I’m happily married with adult children, and grandchildren. One of my children bought me a DNA testing kit and when I received the results I was taken aback to discover that the man I thought was my father was not actually my biological parent.

She further adds these details – My parents were married for some years before I arrived and I have no siblings. My mother was a loving, kind person and growing up I was surrounded by a loving maternal extended family. My father was a “difficult” character, emotionally abusive and distant. He never told me he loved me and I know he made my mother’s life hell at times.

Adding some more details, she continues – I’ve discovered that my biological father was a work colleague of my mother’s. At the time of my conception he was also married with a 10-year-old daughter. We lived in a rural community and I met him and his wife on many occasions. He seemed to be a kind, intelligent man. Both he and my mother died a few years ago.

My mind’s in turmoil; I have so many questions that I know can’t be answered. I’m frustrated that I will never know the truth of the situation. Did other people in the family know when I didn’t?

I’ve told my husband but I’ve decided to not tell my children – I don’t want to upset their memories of a loving grandmother but I don’t know if this is the correct thing to do.

The other issue is his daughter, my half-sister. I’m sad that I’ve never had the chance to have a sibling relationship with her and never will because I will not tell her of my discovery.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

Annalisa Barbieri begins her response compassionately – “What a shock for you. I hope you are taking time to absorb it because this is seismic news. And it’s becoming more common now that DNA testing is so readily available. Lots of secrets that were once thought buried are being exposed. It makes it even harder when the people involved are dead and you can’t ask questions.”

A family psychotherapist, Reenee Singh, acknowledged – “it’s so de-stabilizing to realize the reality you grew up with isn’t what you thought.”

Both the advice columnist and the family psychotherapist agreed – she really should tell her children. The rationale was “Your children are adults and there’s a natural ‘in’ there as your daughter bought you a DNA test. what you don’t want is your children or grandchildren discovering this one day when they may take a DNA test.”

It’s always a good idea to process your own initial feelings first. You may wish to avail yourself of therapy. When you tell your children, you want to be neutral and factual. After you tell your own children, leave it to them to tell your grandchildren.

It was not clear whether this woman already had contact with her half-sibling. So, it was suggested that after she’s told her own children, to post the results on the genealogy site that processed her DNA. The half-sibling might then find that result and make contact in the future.

They emphasized that coming to terms with an unexpected surprise is a process. The advice columnist notes that “there’s a lot for you to work through, not only a new father figure but a whole new family story.” The psychotherapist wondered if this news doesn’t provide a sense of relief, as the father the woman knew as such was a complicated relationship for her. Going forward, in order to resolve her feelings towards her deceased mother, she should try to understand the situation that her mother lived through. This revelation certainly doesn’t mean that she still doesn’t love her mother.

Baby Name Mourning

I saw an interesting article this morning in The Huffington Post about LINK>Baby Name Mourning. It is not an unfamiliar issue with adoptees that the name their genetic biological parents wanted for them before they were born was rejected by the adoptive parents due to a preference for the name they wanted to give to their adopted child.

From the article – Deema Soufan, a psychotherapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, notes that “As we move through life, we discover meaning in experiences that have been important to us . . . Essentially what can end up happening is we can focus on this idea in our head of what we thought something would look like, what we thought something would represent. And if that idea is shattered or ruptures, a lot of grief can follow suit.”

Expectations and dreams, especially long-held ones, trend to bring up big feelings. The article notes that there are a variety of reasons why people can’t use a particular name that they love. Maybe they are unable to have a child or choose not to do so. The pregnant person may feel ‘silly’ for sharing that they are grieving that their journey to parenthood has become challenging. It can feel like a massive loss of control as well.

She notes a variety of reasons for sadness – “The grief of not listening to your internal guidance, the grief of not advocating for your needs and desires, the grief of people-pleasing, and the grief of ultimately not using the name you love can send parents into a spiral of deep, dark name regret.”

“The advice that I have for anyone who is coping with baby [name] mourning is to approach your stance with curiosity and without judgment,” Soufan said. “I implore you to dig deep and explore what is at the root of this distress for you. Normalize your grief and accept it! Two things can exist at once.” You can feel like you are “completely out of control, especially when one of the first parenting decisions that you get to make feels like it was taken away from you.” She recommended sitting with your thoughts and examining what is reality. “The more that we can develop compassion and curiosity for our feelings, the more that we can accept and move through them.” And this would be common among mothers who surrender their child to adoption.

“We imagine ourselves parenting and nurturing this little spirit, helping them navigate life’s inevitable twists and turns. When we rub up against the reality . . . it only feels right to grieve the loss of these people that we’ll never get to know in the flesh,“ Taylor Humphrey, the baby name consultant who coined the term: baby name mourning.

Often Not The Fairy Tale

Today’s story is sad but all too often true for some adoptees in reunion.

The definition of a Fairy Tale is a story in which truth prevails over lies, generosity comes to be rewarded, obstacles are overcome by hard work and love, good triumphs over evil and mercy and kindness are the greatest powers. And sometimes this simply doesn’t match the reality. Here’s the story –

My adoptive parents are dead and were amazing to me. A few years ago, I met the birth parents. I have a hard time using the word parents for them because they’ve done nothing but hurt me. I was raised to be kind forgiving and loving but these people are everything but. Several times per week, I am insulted and tore down and it makes me cry. They are married to each other and apparently a perfect fit. Both exhibit 9 out of 10 traits of narcissism. They’ve tried to get me fired at work, tried to end my marriage, tried make my friends hate me, and essentially try to cut me off from everyone because they think I should be the person they think I should be. Every time he makes me cry he laughs. They’ve held grudges and gotten mad at me for having a sick child or being sick themselves. I had a very long hard struggle with cancer (genetic I might add) that I have deficits from and they tell me to stop having excuses. When my mom died, they told me they were glad she was dead. And the list goes on and on. I’m stupid, I’m a liar (but they refuse to let me know what I supposedly lied about), and my entire life is worthless according to them. I’m struggling because society says I have to want to be with them but I don’t. They hurt me so deeply and so often I feel sick. I don’t want to be an a**hole but I had no idea how mentally abusive they are. The rest of their family minus the bio grandma is crazy. What should I do? I want to cut contact but I know I’ll get push back. Has anyone navigated anything similar? I’ve tried to make this relationship work for 3 years and it isn’t working. And all I get is people guilting me into thinking I need to maintain this toxic relationship.

One comment noted – your experience shows another side of the adoptee reunion story. Many times adoptive or foster parents get criticized for “having stolen” from the child in their care, the right to be with their birth families. Some adoptees fantasize what their birth families are / were… but sometimes, in reunion, they find those birth parents are not the fairy tale they imagined.

It’s Hard To Feel Different

In looking for an image, I discovered this child’s book about feeling different by Doris Sanford published in 1986. The summary says – “A young boy is portrayed as he sorts out the hurt of ‘being different’ . . . at school. The boy knows he is not like other children . . . He finds true friendship with a little lamb, Fluffy. Fluffy ‘speaks’ truths to the boy about his specialness and how he is loved in spite of his differences. Ages 5 and up.”

From an adoptive parent today – We have an open adoption, more so with our son’s father and less so with his mother. Our son is 8 and has says every few months that he wishes he wasn’t adopted. He has known his birth story since birth. We visit his father’s family twice a year and he loves seeing his half sister. I’ve been struggling with the right supportive language to help him with those hard moments. I tell him that it must be hard to feel different. He says things like I’m the only adopted kid at my school.

One adoptee notes – if a person said almost every month that they were sad their mother died, would that be something to pathologize? If a person said they wished their mother never died, would you try to stop them from saying it? Losing one’s entire family, ancestors and all IS sad. As the perpetrator of the separation from his family, your comfort will ring hollow.

Someone asks – When he says he wishes he wasn’t adopted, is he saying he wants to be with his natural parents?

A mature adoptee notes – Wish I had an answer for you but sadly do not. Being the only adoptee etc. A feeling that has stayed with me my entire life and I am 72 yrs old. Not to say all times were bad but this being on the outside looking in, is always in the background.

Another adoptee asks – If his father can raise his half sister, why is he not raising him? Why is he separated from his family? I ask, because I was in the same boat. There’s nothing my adoptive family could have said and there’s not enough therapy that could have made things easier for me. He is well within his right to be angry.

One shares some personal experience – I’m an adoptee and I have fostered a child.. anyway… I always think … if kids see their parent … raising another child, it would really make them feel bad – like “why don’t they love me ?” … the child I fostered has a 1/2 brother who mostly lives his dad. The mother fought her ass off to get her daughter back from me, which is great. But has not put in the effort to get him back and he follows her on social media and is allowed to come when his dad feels like it … I just always wonder how he must feel.

An adoptee asks – Have you asked him – what part of being adopted exactly is making him sad ? Are you giving him the freedom to truly express himself or are you saying placating words like “I know, it’s hard to be different”, which actually closes down open discussion ? Is he seeing a therapist ? If not get him in to one!

From a late discovery adoptee – “it must be hard to be different” rings so hollow! I couldn’t stand it when adults said fake crap like that to me. I’d always see right through it, even as a small child!

Which caused another adoptee to write – For me, it rings hollow because it reinforces that I AM different, and at least for me, carries the implication that “different” is less than and not as good. It doesn’t just validate my feelings, it tells me that my feelings are facts.

Another late discovery adoptee acknowledges – The past cannot be undone, but perhaps acknowledging to him that you accept that the way things happened and the way you and his natural family did things were not the best they could have been, will be a good start. Is working towards shared custody or reunification something he wants or even a possibility ?

One adoptee can relate – That’s a tough age to deal with being adopted. I had huge feelings that I couldn’t put into words and I was also the only adopted kid with my peers, as my adopted sister refused to talk about it. The kids would tease me and ask the craziest questions that make you feel so alone (ie: do your AP’s make you clean all the time? Do you call them mom and dad? Why didn’t your real mom like you enough to keep you? Was there something wrong with you when you were born?). Having another adoptee as a friend or therapist helps us to feel normal and understood. You’re seeking the right words but there are none. You are already helping him in all the ways you can – by keeping the adoption open, being supportive and his safe place. Please keep trying to find another adoptee therapist, support group, or friend. You benefited from the adoption, while he lost everything, so you aren’t able to fully understand and comfort him.

One adoptee who was adopted as an infant says – I’m 41 and HATE BEING ADOPTED. Does that ever go away?? I don’t think it does. I’m not sure there’s much you can do about his very valid feelings in the matter.

One adoptive parent made a point that was on my own mind – Can you increase the amount of visits with his sister and dad ? Twice a year isn’t a lot of time to really form that bond. Even with distance, there might be other ways to improve the contact.

One kinship adoptee suggested – always validate his feelings, don’t internalize them & make it about you because it’s not. It’s his life that was uprooted.

One mature adoptee tells the truth – I’m 57 and still wish I wasn’t adopted. There were/are no words anyone (especially my adoptive parents) can say that will change that, ever. It also has nothing to do with feeling “different”. One of the worst things my adoptive mother did was pretend she knew how I felt, which was impossible since not only was she not adopted, but she gained from my adoption. It’s very hard for someone to come off as a sincere support when they gained from my loss.

Yet another mature adoptee – It *is* hard to feel different and to not understand why you can’t be with your biological family. I hated being adopted, I’m 40 now and *finally* coming to terms with the damage it caused me. My adoptive family doesn’t speak to me. Haven’t heard from them in over 4 years. They didn’t adopt me for life, just for when it was convenient for them. Those feelings of hurt never completely go away. Then, OMG, comes this – There’s more horror to my story, the abandonment came after I attempted suicide and they used the system to steal my oldest child from me. I feel like I was exploited to fill their void yet again and my daughter is suffering because of it. That spiraled me hard into addiction and homelessness but by the grace of God, I am still alive and coming back to living for the first time in my life. It’s a lot to unpack! My adopter was looking for the excuse to abandon me for a long time, since she flat out told me I was the worst mistake she ever made and she wished she never adopted me. We are disposable to them. It’s painful to say the least.

Hard Truths

It’s easy to be righteous about “life” and extreme in your anti-abortion views – perhaps you should open your heart to read this story in today’s Huffington Post LINK>A Letter To My 1-Year-Old Son About His Abortion. The truth is, for many women (myself included) an abortion is just a waypoint on the way to having other children.

The article is full of the REAL reasons some women must resort to an abortion. Near the end, the father says – We won’t tell you about the joy Dub Dub (grandma) felt knowing you were on your way, or how hard Pop Pop (grandpa) tried to live long enough to meet you, only to pass away on the last Sunday in January, exactly three weeks before you were born. We won’t explain how heartbreaking it is to become a parent just as you’ve lost your own.

We will wait until you are ready . . . We will wait to explain Roe vs. Wade, and make sure you know how to raise your voice when the moment demands it, because women shouldn’t have to face this fight on their own. We will wait to explain how dark our world was during that time, but never miss a chance to tell you that you were the one ray of light.

We will wait until you are older to tell you the bad parts, and how they outnumbered the good. We will wait until you are grown to tell you how fortunate we were to live where we did, because if we hadn’t, we might not have had you.

Would This Be Confusing ?

Today’s question – I’ve gathered two different takes on what adoptees should call natural parents when they’re little (like too early to understand adoption, understand relationships, and decide for themselves what name they’d like to use for their adoptive and their natural parents). I’ve read that should our little call us and his first parents “Mommy/Daddy”, that it can cause confusion. I’ve also read that that idea is absolutely unfounded. We all truly want to do this right and don’t know which path to take. Natural mom is in the same boat as me (just wanting to make sure we do this as best as we can for our son), Natural dad wants mommy/daddy. That’s what he calls myself and my husband (at the moment. It’s changed a lot over the last year!) so we would all end up as mommy and daddy. I should add that he’s two and he does see his natural parents monthly. We plan to be very open and honest with him, age appropriate, so we are definitely not trying to hide anything. I would appreciate suggestions from anyone in here, but I really want to hear from adoptees who also were able to maintain an open relationship with first parents from a young age. Did the same labels cause confusion? What worked best for you?

An adoptee asks the obvious question – why can’t more than one person hold a title of Mom/Mommy or Dad/Daddy ? I have multiple Grandmas and Grandpas but was never confused. Same sex families also seem to have no trouble finding variations of Mom/Mama/Mum/Mummy/Mommy. Personally I think a lot of those books are written by other adoptive parents who are just desperate to claim any title they feel should belong to them.

Another adoptee answers similarly – I feel like it is extremely common for adopters to use “the labels are confusing !” as a cop out. If a child can understand they have 2 dads (and zero moms), then an adoptee can understand they have multiple moms/multiple dads etc, whatever the configuration may be. Adoptees do not exclusively belong to one set of parents. I hate the term natural parents, I hate “birth parents” much more. I wish adopters would just abandon their fragility and say “your other mom” or even just “your mom” when referencing the natural mother. If the kid is confused, then explain ! Labels are not confusing. If an adoptee is confused about which parents are which, the adopters are not explaining things as clearly as they need to be explaining them. Using the “confusing labels” cop out is just a way to give natural parents labels that carve out their parenthood, as a way of propping up the adopters above them, all disguised as concern for the adoptee.

An international adoptee makes the point – My first mom has always been mom. My first dad has always been dad. I hate my first parents a lot, but I will always call them my parents. That’s what feels right. My adoptive parents are my American parents. Labels are not confusing. You could use names too. Like “Mommy Sally”, “Mommy Tina”, “Daddy Bill”, “Daddy Tom.” Just to differentiate exactly who you’re talking about. But I do hate the term natural and birth parents. Adoption does not erase who our parents are and our true origin, despite having to be raised outside of our own family.

I found this answer timely – The only issue I’ve ever come across about differentiating between my “moms” (I have 3 and called them all mom) Is when I’m talking to other people and reference “my mom”. I know which one I am talking about, but other people need clarification regarding “which mom” OR if they don’t know me well, they just assume I’ve been talking about only one person, instead of multiple moms.

One mother who lost her child to adoption makes this point – From the start – you are not the child’s mother – you are the adoptive mom. Never forget that. Make certain the child knows this as well. (Age appropriate). Further, teach the child to be free to introduce you (if desired) as “my adoptive mom” – that is what you are. The conversation can go on to reference – “my mother lives ______ and I see her often”. Your adopted child is young. Titles may change over time.

Good point from an adoptive mother – both of you can be Mom and Dad. If it bothers you to call them that , then you really need to look in the mirror and reflect why that bothers you. My daughter has 2 mom’s and 2 dad’s. She is 9 now and if you ask her, that is what she will say because when we speak about her parents, they are Mom and Dad. Let the child choose on their own and refer to them as Mom and Dad.

Another adoptive mother shares her experience – My 7 yo calls both me and her mom Mom/Mommy/Mama. At first, it was Mommy First Name – then we quickly moved to just Mommy. We tried to have Mama for one and Mommy for the other but ended up just smooshing all together because she naturally uses all of these. Context and clarify as needed work. If I could go back, I might have made myself First Name, but still not sure. Definitely follow the child’s lead…. Also, I am moving in the direction of the comment about transitioning back to the biological family. It seems more complicated with an older child (at least, I think so) and I really appreciate someone saying it and keeping the pressure on adoptive parents to really ask ourselves – what’s in the best interest of the child, not just what’s best for us /“our family”. … I am genuinely working on it.

One adoptee tries this – What is so confusing? nothing is confusing. We are adopted, we have 2 sets of mom/dad. This is just our reality. Why is this even a question ? Lots of families have more than one mom/dad outside of adoption. This is a non-issue question. Stop overthinking it. Your child has 2 sets of parents and that’s as simple as it is.

A kinship guardian notes – Kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. They rarely find their own situation confusing. It’s other adults who do.

An adoptee notes – A lot of people have their own agenda where advice about adoption is concerned and it’s rarely about what is best for the child. It’s not “confusing” to have 4 people whom you consider parents, so long as people act normal about it. What confuses us is being forced or pressured to choose what the adults want. Always ask yourselves if you are expecting the child to manage your feelings or social standing. Because seriously a lot of adoptive and natural parents seem more worried about how other adults see them, than if the kids are okay. You won’t die from embarrassment because your child calls someone else Mommy in public.

One other experience from an adoptive parent – titles change as they age. My adopted daughter who’s almost 6, currently refuses to call her mom and dad by those titles, just their 1st names. It’s too hard for her to process it, she shuts down. Anytime we try to talk about her parents and family, she shuts it down. I know that will change as she gets older but for now that’s where we’re at. Even when she was smaller, during visits if they used those names, she’d want to leave and was done. It’s not that she’s confused, it’s that she’s hurting and those emotions are so big and hard. It’s easier for now not to talk about it.

Fully Understanding the Trauma

From someone who experienced foster care in her youth – Does anyone else feel a level of rage hearing people say ‘I wanna adopt older kids out of the system,’ yet they don’t seem to be capable of fully understanding the trauma of it ? It’s feels almost like a way of saying – I’m such a great person, I mean look at what I do.

Like no matter how many times I explain what care is like and how serious something like that is – it’s like they shut down or ignore me in order to hold onto their ideals. I feel like I’ve never had someone say it well who also fully understands how deeply traumatized and vulnerable older kids in care are.

An adoptee notes – Saviors gotta save – it isn’t about you, but about themselves and their desires.

To which, someone who had been in foster care and aged out of the system responds – Yes, I truly think it’s a savior complex. I aged out of a youth shelter that I was so fortunate to have as a place to live. I lived there for about three years, collectively between two stays, and saw many teens get adopted and “returned”. I always was confused why everyone was so eager to be adopted. While I loved the shelter for what it provided for me, I would have been grateful for a place to lay my head outside of the confines of the shelter. I wasn’t allowed to check myself out, so I was never able to get myself financially established before aging out. If I had been in a home, I would have had more potential to take care of myself before being dropped on the street.

Another person without any of that background, admitted – I used to be one of those people (not saying that to people actually but it was originally my plan before I discovered the realities). Is there a good way to adopt or foster? I’d never ever want to come between a child of any age and parental reunification. I just genuinely desire to create a safe space for kids who don’t have anyone to look out for them, and to make them feel like they have a safe place they can always go, no matter what. But I don’t want to create more trauma and the more I learn, the more it seems like, no matter what, within our current system there is no such thing as doing it ethically/genuinely putting the kids first.

An adoptive parent who adopted from foster care notes – I would highly suggest extensive reading/training/therapy/etc. What the original commenter was saying is that people go in expecting to have an incredibly grateful child, that is just so happy to be in a home that they will fawn (fear response) into doing everything the adoptive parent (AP) wants. After all the AP “saved” them. Then, the adoptive parent realize that the children have major trauma and don’t connect the way biological children connect. The vast majority of parenting plans that work with biological children don’t work for children from trauma. Then they give up. In their minds, they often think I did everything I could but they are just so ungrateful.

So going in, eyes wide open, with a full toolbox of skills, and a therapist – you already have good relationship with, where you have already addressed any obvious traumas from your childhood and any problems you have with relationships.

One of the best foster situations I have ever heard of was a adult prep house (often referred to as a LINK>Transitional Living Program). They took in 3-4 teens ages 16-18 at a time. They knew all the local helps available and would work with the teens to prepare for adulthood. They were family in every aspect except financial. So when one of them gets excited about their promotion, that is who they would call to share the news. When one of them graduates from college, they try to attend the event. When one of them got engaged, that is who they would make the announcement to. Some even walked a few of them down the aisle. They had like 30 adult “children” that stayed in contact with them. True, many never reach out after they leave and the foster parent never tries to force a relationship after adulthood. The house was always there, without pressure, so teens could chose to come or stay, dependent upon whatever situation they were facing.

Infants In Need Of Homes ?

That there are infants in need of homes is just one of the lies the adoption industry perpetuates to keep the money flowing in their direction. If what you really want to do is help marginalized or at risk mothers and children, find out how you can offer support within your local community.

One example from a quick google search yielded The Conrad N Hilton Foundation’s efforts (with the help of other local funders) through an initiative – LINK>Strengthening At Risk and Homeless Young Mothers and Children – that ran from 2007-2011. That initiative sought to improve the housing, health, and development of homeless and at-risk mothers and children by supporting locally-based partnerships that included housing/homelessness and child development agencies, as well as those that address family preservation, domestic violence, mental health, substance use and other support services for the target population. The Initiative’s desired impacts were not limited to clients alone; it also aimed to integrate systems and disseminate knowledge in order to improve services for families not directly enrolled in its programs.

If you google – “Helping At Risk Mothers and Children” – you will come up with many many organizations and state level efforts seeking to make a difference.

This all started because a woman wants to make the choice to adopt, not out of lack but as a personal choice, because infertility is not an issue for her. The perspective is – keep a child whose parents gave up or died or something else in order for that child not to be jumping from one foster to another until they age out but actually have a place to call home. One commenter noted – sounds like you have a savior complex. Very often such a desire does drive adoption choices.

Someone else tried to insert some reality – What you’ve heard and read about there being so many children in need of homes is a lie made up by the adoption industry. Really. It’s a MULTI BILLION dollar industry per year. The fact that you said that you didn’t want to go through an agency because of corruption – I think that’s what you said? tells me that you need to do more research. What little oversight there is happens with agencies that are required to be accountable (such as it is) to the government, state, etc. There are SOME rules. Without that, it’s a complete free for all. The women are lied to, you’re lied to and the child is the one that pays the price with trauma over a lifetime.

When you push back by saying that anyone who has something to say that you don’t like as being just negative – well, that’s really unkind of you and just not fair. Adoptees are the victims of adults who make choices about them without their control. With adoption, there will ALWAYS be attachment from the child to their biological families. These children have mannerisms, looks, hobbies, etc will be inherited from the biological family. Experts now know that children are not blank slates from birth.

As an example, the child I surrendered was during the closed era. Contact was impossible during her childhood but when we did reunite ? She has my mannerisms, she sounds exactly like me on the telephone and more. She even flips her hair out of her eyes, just like I do. Her passions in life are those of my family and her biological father, do not come from her adoptive parents. This is just a fraction of things to consider.

If you want to help others, you can donate to families that are in need, rather than just the babies or children. It would be terrific if you do that. It would not require you to separate a family and deal with all the things that you don’t want or need to deal with. Donate money or volunteer your time. There’s so many ways to help others that don’t make things worse, where you can really be of service.