Not All

I am a defender of family preservation but I am also a realist and know the world is not so perfect. Today’s heartbreaking story (which had a lot of affirming me too’s, sadly).

An adoptee who spent time in foster care writes – I made this in preschool. They said “make a Christmas decoration for your mommies”. I was already in foster care at the time and the ‘M’ word made my tummy sick. I made it anyway and gave it to my foster mother, asking her to hold onto it because I didn’t have a mommy.

I was unfortunately returned to my abuser/birth giver not long after. That foster mother did hold onto this frame, until I came back into her care many years later. I never got to thank her for keeping it safe. Please save the little things. You have no idea how big they really are.

She added – I encourage foster parents to make crafts with their kids addressed to ‘their future self’, instead of focusing on guardians or parents. Maybe have them add a small note on the back to future them (‘Did we ever see the mountains?’.. ‘I hope we still love reading!’)

Responses – I’m so sorry your biological mom was abusive. I know exactly what that’s like. And another – Empathy from a former foster kid who kept getting returned to their abusive birth parent.

Another shares – I was just talking to my daughter today about looking at pictures of myself as a child and just seeing her face and how painful it is to know how unprotected I was. After becoming a mom you see your child self so differently. It hurts a different part of you. I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope this lady made you feel safe and loved. It sounds like she really cared.

Someone who was in foster care as a youth noted – I could relate to this so much. It stinks to not have baby photos or memories, or know my birth weight. Just another thing that makes me feel not normal. Similarly another with the same foster care experience said – Making things like that in foster care is so weird but it still holds meaning that no one else understands. I remember many times as a kid asking to go to the guidance counselor when those activities came up (which my school allowed).

Anonymous Sperm Donation

On Dec 3 2023, Emily Bazelon published an article in the NY Times – LINK>Why Anonymous Sperm Donation Is Over, and Why That Matters. She notes that while activists are trying to end secrecy for sperm and egg donors — it is a campaign that troubles some LGBTQ families.

The article begins with this story (and blogger’s note – I’ve read quite a few others with similar trajectories) –

A few years ago, when he was in his early 30s, Tyler Levy Sniff took a home DNA test he received as a gift. The results revealed a staggering truth: His father wasn’t biologically related to him. Levy Sniff confronted his parents, who explained that after years of trying and failing to have a baby, they turned to a sperm donor. Following the standard advice at the time, they decided not to tell him for fear of driving a wedge into their family.

Levy Sniff felt as if he’d found a key to his identity that he was looking for. “It made sense of why I felt different from my family,” he said recently. He wanted more information about the person he called his “bio father” to understand his genetic heritage. “It was so important to me to know my bio father’s life story, his personality and talents and struggles,” Levy Sniff says.

But by the time he found his donor, through relatives on two genealogy websites, the man had died — another revelation that shattered him, he says. To Levy Sniff, the value of knowing where you come from is self-evident. “A lot of influence comes from your biology,” he says.

Recent findings in behavioral science show the role of genetics in shaping certain individual characteristics. Questionnaires from doctors routinely ask for generations of family medical history. And learning about your genetic ancestry can be emotionally powerful — one reason millions of people buy inexpensive at-home DNA tests and sign up for genealogy websites.

Blogger’s note – in my own roots discovery journey, both Ancestry and 23 and Me, contributed invaluable assistance in my finding my own genetic, biological heritage and connecting with people that I am thus related to, though for over 60 years, neither they nor my self knew of one another. Adoption (both of my parents were adopted) robs us of important knowledge.

Lesbian couples and single parents make up 70 percent of the people who now use sperm donors, according to a 2022 study of an assisted-reproduction clinic. Some of these families fear that disclosure laws will open the door to recognizing biological donors in some way as parents — possibly granting them parental rights and more broadly undermining the legitimacy of LGBTQ families.

In sperm and egg donation, secrecy was the old-school choice — the one that seemed easier to many heterosexual couples as they raised their children. But now it’s nontraditional families who are most nervous about ending the practice of anonymous donation. It’s one thing for parents to choose transparency, but it’s quite another for the state to mandate it — enshrining into law, some fear, the notion that genetics are an essential part of being a family. In many states, if you are part of a couple raising a child, and you never marry or you get a divorce, and your partner wants to sever the connection, you can be deemed a legal stranger to a child you helped raise but with whom you don’t share a genetic tie.

Blogger’s note – Being honest about how one’s children were conceived tends to strengthen parent-child relationships. My family chose that strategy. My husband, our egg donor, and my sons all did 23 and Me DNA testing. That site allows for private communications (should my sons want that) with a donor they have had only minimal physical contact with in the past (several times we have had the opportunity to get together with her and at least one of her children). Thanks to Facebook, I have been able to show my sons photos of the donor and her genetic, biological children over the years – so that they have some sense of these other relationships that may someday be important to them (or not). They seem well adjusted to the reality.

Why I Count My Blessings

Given that being adopted or giving up a child for adoption was the most natural (or is that normal ?) thing in my childhood family, it was not until I finally learned my original grandparents stories that led to both of my parents ending up adopted in the 1930s, that I truly realized the minor miracle of my own life that I was not also given up for adoption.

I was conceived when my mother was a junior in high school. My father had only just started his university studies in a nearby city but in another nearby state. I don’t really know how I came to be there in my mom’s womb but I guess it happened either just before my dad went away to college or during some brief visit home.

One of the joys of my discoveries was a letter a friend of my mom and dad who sent a letter to my dad when my mom died. He was also a good friend of my mom’s adoptive older brother. In it, he described taking her to a party and that after meeting my dad, the two of them left the party, leaving him bereft of a date.

My parents were married for over 50 years after their hastily arranged marriage to confer upon me legitimacy. Still considering they both had adoptive parents who must have believed in the value of babies given up for adoption to other people to raise – it will always amaze me that I was not given up as well (both of my own sisters ended up giving up babies to adoption).

The author, Barbara Bisantz Raymond, of the book The Baby Thief (about Georgia Tann who was involved in my mother’s adoption) found this blog. In a phone conversation with her, she said, “I’ve never met anyone with so much adoption in their family tree.” It’s true, there is a lot of that. Even so, I had a wonderful childhood with good enough parents and siblings. Therefore, I will always be grateful I didn’t end up with that fate of being adopted as well. The unhappy ending stories I’ve absorbed about adoption go very far towards making me exceedingly grateful for my own good fortune.

It Often Is About The Money

A kinship adoptee shares – I met a lady the other day who mentioned she was a foster parent. I asked her why she decided to become a foster parent (it’s something I’ve always wanted to do) and she said – because her mother-in-law it and told her California is giving bonuses right now as an incentive for people to do it. That was it, she didn’t give any other singular reason… like wanting to help a child?? So. mostly this is a rant because I was shocked that someone would just openly admit this – like it was totally okay, but also.. what would you say to her ? I was at work, so I would have to keep it professional, therefore I just didn’t say anything. I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t get me a write up, at the very least. Any suggestions for the future ? I could see myself being in this situation again.

On woman, a former foster parent herself, replied – So, money means more than the best interest of a child ? This breaks my heart. One of my best friend is a foster parent. I am learning from her. I wanted to do it because of my own childhood. I had no one. Not a single person. These are REAL humans. My friend went through a brutal previous foster situation. She had to testify on her own defense after they made false statements. Currently, she has one child in her care. She will take a small break from teens because of how much she has gone through this year. I see how hard it is.

There seems to be a consensus that – if you’re making money being a foster parent, you aren’t doing it right. Which matches what I know about it and what the abuses I am aware of have involved. Someone said – at least she’s honest? Hundreds of foster care homes out here are lying and saying it’s for the kids, but keep their homes maxed out and never buy the kids anything. The foster parents retain most of the money. A former foster care child added – As sad as it is, as long as she doesn’t abuse them, that’s still a bit of a win. A lot of people take in kids just to abuse them.

One transracial adoptee notes – Why do you assume the children are NOT being abused ? Even ignoring the fact that foster youth and adoptees are statistically more likely to be abused, this is a person who *in their own words* is only in it for the money. That’s exactly the type of person who is MORE dangerous. Their concern isn’t the child, it’s the paycheck.

One foster parent shares – my bank account is suffering but the kids are happy ! That’s what matters to us. That’s what all kids do to your bank account. They’re expensive ! They need to see how the world works and have life experiences. So many of these kids haven’t even been out to eat ! How are they supposed to know what to strive for and how to order off a menu ? We do not have our own biological, genetic children, but the foster kids in our care – go on vacation, baseball games, eat out, get Halloween costumes, they’ve been to Hawaii with us and theme parks, they get nice clothes like everybody else. I’m not saying this for any praise or acknowledgement, but so that maybe somebody who is clueless, could see how it should be. I could list a million things but it’s silly because it’s not special, it’s just caring for a child, that we’re caring for, that lives in our home.

Someone else confirms – same. I’ve had to go into my savings account more than once for the children in my care.

Yet another person says – Firstly, most foster parents are worried about that check, abusive or not. There’s probably even foster parents who really care about the kids from the bottom of their hearts but live for that check and wouldn’t be a foster parent without it. Secondly, I’m not assuming they won’t be abused by that foster parent. If she’s made it clear she views housing random kids as something that’s transactional, that is better than those intentionally abusive fosters homes who up the “kind and loving” front but go out of their way to be monsters behind closed doors. If people create a false persona of being genuinely good, then it’s harder for any allegations against them to hold weight, which is why its a common tactic for many abusive foster parents. In today’s story, that specific foster parent put all her cards on the table, indicating what kind of person/foster parent she is. There are many foster homes, where the foster parents don’t care what the kids do – as long as they don’t cause too many problems. That is still bad, but it’s a lot better than some of the worst forms of abuse, which are all too common in foster homes. I’m not saying its right but sometimes there’s lesser evils even with a shit situation and that’s just the reality of it

Feeling Safe To Be Honest

I tend not to be overly concerned with my privacy online and am very open about a lot of things. Maybe it is not a good thing that I am that way but that is simply how I prefer to live. That said, I do realize that some people must be more circumspect about what they say, due to family member or local friends. I could become more like that in the future; but so far, I have not had to.

Today, an adoptee shared a question for adoptive parents – If you were to see that you’re adoptee was in a group that privilege’s honest comments by adoptees and saw that they shared a comment about their own adoption trauma (whether it was an actual initial post or in comments related to someone else’s post), how would you feel ? Would you then validate their feelings or get defensive and deny that they have any trauma ? I am asking because I know for a fact – that if either or both if my adoptive parents were in a group where I felt safe to share my honest feelings, I’d never hear the end of how there’s “no way am I’m traumatized by my own adoption.”

So one adoptive parent answered – after being in a group like that, I have seen a different perspective. Everyone has their own feelings and their own perspective. I do believe adoption is traumatic. Generally speaking …there was a break down in the natural process of how things are suppose to work. Biological parents should have their biological children living with them. If that isn’t the case, it is simply going to be traumatic for a child who isn’t with their original family. So, if I discovered that my adopted children felt that pain, I would support them in any way they needed. I would absolutely validate their feelings, every person is entitled to their own feelings. And I feel that this what I have done with all my children, regarding their thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

Another adoptive parent wrote – I would ask if she wanted me to leave the group, so she felt she could share without me knowing. And I would hope I understand that there’s trauma and that I can’t change it, I can just support her. She’s only 8, so I can’t speak to what we would do in adulthood but I’m constantly trying to convince my mother in law, who is an adoptee herself, that adoption is trauma – regardless of how happy your childhood is or how loving your adoptive parents are. Usually when we’re seeking therapy or resources. I think I would prefer to hear it directly but if we decided she wanted me to remain in the group, I would privately ask if she wanted my input before commenting or I would just ignore the post and ask if she wanted to discuss it with me at all.

And another – I think/hope I’d be thankful my kids found a supportive space to voice their feelings. I’d probably ask if they wanted me to leave the group or stay. My kids don’t seem to feel much pressure to hide their negative emotions surrounding their adoptions, so I don’t know that there’s much they’d say in a group, that they haven’t said to me but maybe there’s more under the surface, that they would benefit from being able to process in a space I don’t have access to.

This is just a glimpse. My own day has run short of time, having been complicated coincidentally, by a different kind of privacy issue, after I had already chosen an image for this blog (my life seems to have “themes” many days LOL). What I really think is important is that groups, like the one where these thoughts have been expressed, are opening up perspectives on the reality that all adoptions include trauma within the adoptee – even if it is already “too late” for the adoptive parents to do-over. Hopefully, beyond that, some who might have hoped to adopt – will think long and hard, about what they are getting into, before they get too deeply involved (financially, emotionally) to change course.

Plan B

Actually, NOT this one.

From a comment – Adoptive parents need to be honest that adopting is “Plan B”. If you were a “fertile myrtle”, you would not have sought someone else’s kid. Yes, that may sound harsh, but let’s face the reality. Adoptees are not your first choice. And foster parents, foster to adopt stories, are another Plan B. Only kinship reasons are somewhat valid. Most choices to foster are for self-serving reasons. Just own it.

One adoptive parent who’s child came from foster care responded – my self-serving reasons involve a desire to care for older children while avoiding pregnancy and the toddler / preschool / early elementary stage. Another is a desire to parent a child without being their mother. To which a response came from an adoptee – “That doesn’t make you their parent. You’re their CAREGIVER.”

A transracial, domestic infant adoptee notes – When I point that out to my adoptive mother, she gets so defensive but will also acknowledge the fact that they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, if they didn’t have me ! This winter she told me, oh, we were going to adopt from South America but it wasn’t trustworthy, Asia was our second choice but then someone suggested we try at home and we were lucky, we got you. She didn’t understand why I feel interchangeable.

blogger’s note – it is often said, when an unwed mother reneges on her plan to surrender her baby for adoption, that any womb wet baby would do. The hopeful adoptive parents just go out and find another one. And I found this story heartbreaking but so honest –

My mom was 15 when she found out her “mom” was actually her grandmother and her “sister” was her real birth mom. My mom’s mom was 16 when she had her. I saw the trauma this caused my mom all her life. She was abused in her grandmother’s home for “looking like her dad” and I recall a time when I was a child and my mom called out her mom and asked her why she kept her and gave her to her grandmother knowing the abuse that happened in the home. Even when I was 10, this broke my heart. I had thought adoption or being in another home as a foster could have fixed her situation somehow. However, I’ve that the savior complex is real and isn’t helpful. Participating by fostering an older teen foster is still contributing to the problem. The system in the US is an inexcusable mess. The trauma my mom would have had being removed from her genetic family would have traumatized her as well, just in a different way, but still not “fixed” the problem. As an adult, I’m glad my mom was raised with family because she is Mexican and the very few people in her family that I talk to keep me connected with that side of my heritage. (My mom passed away a few years ago.) I’ve known many hopeful adoptive parents in my life and although they are “good people,” I try to advocate by asking them why they think it’s a good idea to take another family’s baby to complete their family. People don’t like it, when it’s worded that way, but it’s the truth. Other people’s babies should not be someone’s solution to a perceived problem.

Un-answered questions from an adoptive parent – I was a “fertile myrtle” and I wasn’t an anomaly in my adoptive parent circles. That said, adoption – like all choices in life that I can think of – is self-serving. Even kinship adoption is self-serving, as is foster care. People who learn about the harms and choose not to be part of that system are also motivated by self-serving motives – this is the preferable choice because it isn’t as likely to harm others but it’s still self-serving at its core. My question for adoptees is, regardless of self-interest, does one motivation feel more hurtful or damaging than another? Like does it hurt more to know you were Plan B, than if you knew you were the result of someone’s savior complex? I always assumed harm was harm and each motive carried different (but equal) flavors of potential harmful internalization for adoptees but maybe that’s not accurate?

A gay man writes – For whatever is worth, as a gay man, for a lot of us folk, adoption usually is Plan A. Another replies – I am also a gay man, neither of us are entitled to someone else’s child just because we can’t produce our own in the most traditional way. Adoption is not the answer. Someone else challenges – but if it were possible for you to biologically have kids with another man, I’m sure you would choose that route first? If so, adopting is still Plan B. The first gay man responds – at least in my case, no. Due to how adoption works in my country of Costa Rica. Adoption was always Plan A. On a very personal note, a lesbian friend once asked me to have a child with her, but I didn’t wanted to. I personally believe that is selfish to bring new life, when there’s a lot of kids in orphanages here. But, again, my view is very influenced on how adoption works here. Though, if I were a US citizen, with what I know now, adoption would totally be off the table.

And finally, this reality check from an adoptee – I’m going to be radical and say that I believe that anything anyone does is at least partly for self-serving reasons. Perhaps I should also add that I think being honest and aware of what aspects of one’s actions are serving one’s self is a good idea. I think it’s impossible to completely avoid your own self-interest, which means that I also believe it is not possible to be purely altruistic. I think the issue depends on whether the self-interest is an attempt to not face your infertility and those feelings and to pretend to the outside world that your kids are your biological kids or whether it is doing the very difficult job of raising some kids because they needed a safe, loving home, even if you otherwise wouldn’t have chosen to take that responsibility. Or something in between.

Parental Conflicts

One of the scariest things for an adoptee is to attempt a reunion with their birth parents after they reach adulthood because there is this sticky situation of how the adoptive parents will react to this situation. The image above comes from a blog titled – LINK>Reunion rocks. Reunion sucks. The author notes – *Adoptive parents who are not supportive of an adoptee’s right to search, you are a whole other blog. Sit tight. It was that issue that started my blog this morning.

In my all things adoption group, a young woman shared – “I’m wanting to connect with fellow adoptees and get some insight from anyone that has gone through this. I am wanting to finally pursue a relationship with my birth mother and my adoptive family is upset. I‘m just at a loss right now. I wished my birth mother a happy birthday yesterday and they are blowing it out of proportion. I feel sick.”

The jealousy was apparent. The adoptive parents stress – You had a pretty good life even though you don’t think you did. The adoptee counters in defense to an accusation – I never said she was the best mom ever (referring to her birth mom) and I don’t refer to her as my mom. She then asserts – I deserve to have a relationship with her in whatever capacity I wish and I won’t feel guilty about it and you don’t need to feel threatened. Then the honesty – I never said I had a bad life but there are so many things about adoption that are simply not okay.

What it comes down to is the adoptive parents’ feelings. The reality is that because of the adoptive parents’ feelings, any relationship that the adoptee develops with her birth mother will unavoidably alter in some way the relationship with her adoptive parents. (blogger’s note – I understand this, although I am not an adoptee – both of my parents were. Their adoptive parents were the only grandparents I knew growing up and for MOST of my adult life. As I began to learn about my original grandparents, after my parents and my adoptive grandparents had died, it did affect for a period of time how I felt about the adoptive ones. I needed time to sort out my feelings. This is entirely normal when dealing with such complex family relationships.)

I found this advice realistic – They will adjust. They need to process their new normal. Don’t take it personally because you did nothing wrong. Every family situation is different and the people involved. Respect and empathize with their response but don’t let it get in the way of your connecting. And connect with other adult adoptees who will always understand. I know it’s not easy…I know that as an adoptee. But I’m not allowing my adoptive family to make me feel bad anymore. It’s a natural thing to want that connection with one’s birth relatives. It’s natural for the adoptive family to feel insecure or fear the unknown. Just humans doing the best they know how. Some would describe this as white washing…I just think it’s looking at it from different angles and still respecting your own individual wishes. You’ve got this!

Living In Delusional LaLa Land

Delusions are beliefs that are held by many people based on inadequate information. Often, such people are resistant to rational arguments or evidence to the contrary. In other words, there are beliefs about adoption and adoptees that are based on incorrect information about the actual experience or even worst still, a bias based upon a profit motivated agenda. Adult adoptees are speaking loud and clear today about what their own experiences have been. From the all things adoption group that I am a part of, an adoptee (who is also a former foster care youth, former foster parent and a mother) expresses herself quite bluntly, but honestly –

So many assumptions, stereotypes about adoptees, and whataboutisms. I just wanna say that most of us have jobs, lives, relationships, children (or grandchildren!) of our own and plenty of other life obligations. Yet we are there to share with you our honest experiences.

Talking about your own adoption and adoption in general, when you’re a grown adult who has spent years and years in therapy, healing and growing, is A LOT of emotional labor for many adoptees. So, the adoptee posting this, doesn’t care about nor does she want to hear opinions from adoptive parents. So, please don’t comment with some self righteous, “I am not like THOSE people” story.

In a space that is supposed to prioritize adoptee voices, adoptive or hopeful adoptive parents seem to want adoptees to hold their hand and coddle them, by sharing the adoptee’s own trauma. That group space is literally called “facing realities” for a reason. So many adoptive or hopeful adoptive parents are just living in a delusional lala land. That simply isn’t the reality for many of the adoptees who are there. If you find yourself is such a space – please be considerate of the reasons that adoptees are there.

What are those reasons ? Most of the adoptees that are there, are there, because they care about your children. Deeply. They don’t want more children sitting at a window wondering if their mom is going to come get them. They don’t want more children being told their feelings are wrong or that they should be grateful. They don’t want children to grow up and be treated like they are bad, when they finally start to come to terms with their feelings.

Adoptees are not in that kind of space to be there for adoptive parents. I say that respectfully. They are there for the kids. If you truly care about your children and want to learn, then pay attention and learn, when you encounter a space like that.

To any of the other adoptees and former foster youth that are there – please do prioritize yourself over any obviously self-centered people. Yes, it IS triggering to see the selfishness. YOU really do matter more. If you need to, take a day off. Start your preferred self-care ritual. Do not let selfish people drag you out of the happy place you’ve built for yourself. I see you. I’m proud of you. Your voice and feelings matter.

Hard To Process

As much as I share here, the truths can be hard to process. Many will simply go on and have the experience, even if they have been warned in advance about the challenges they will face and more importantly the life they are going to impact with their decision to adopt a child.

Many come into my all things adoption group having already taken that step to adopt a child. So, they are learning in hindsight but at least they are trying to understand what they are involved in at that point. Life is like that. No matter how many people try to tell you something you don’t want to hear, you are going to go your own way regardless, and then you learn in the fire of reality.

One of those hard to process realities is when an adoption begins as what is defined as “open.” It is not uncommon for these to become more “closed” over time, even if that was not the intention going in. Today’s story is a typical experience.

My son’s adoption is open by name only at this point. His genetic, biological mother and I texted for the first 2 years but I have not heard from her for the last 9. I send pictures and updates 3 times a year because that is our agreement. She has not seen him or spoken to him since his placement day and he was placed with an interim care family at birth.

My question is for other first mothers. My son has recently expressed interest in speaking with his original mother. I know that having a relationship with her will make a huge difference in his health and happiness long-term. I want to be respectful of her needs and desires but I would like to see if there is any possibility of facilitating contact. My thinking is that it will be easier to start contact at this age (he is now 11 years old), in case his feelings and questions get more complicated as he gets older, which seems likely. I plan to send her an email suggesting the possibility of speaking or meeting at some point in the near future. Is there anything I could say / should not say to make this easier? I don’t want to push, just to be a catalyst if this is possible.

I am happy to ask him what questions he might have and let her know ahead of time, or structure the meeting/phone call/emails in any way that would make it easier for her. I know it is hard for her and I wonder if contact would make things easier. Of course, there is so much that I don’t understand about her experience. What I do know is that there is a whole world of relationship between them – whether they meet or not. I know I am a bystander to that and I am fine with it. I just want to create an opening for them and see what they will make of it. Do you have any insights or advice for me as I navigate this?

She began her request with – Some of the truths about adoption as shared here have been hard to process but I am happy that I am learning. That is why I have titled this blog as I did. To reach out among adoptees and former foster care youth is to be vulnerable to hearing perspectives that may be uncomfortable.

Some selected responses – sending updates 3 times a year because that is your agreement is a generic way to manage what is a very paramount relationship. Regardless of what you agreed to, you should have done more. Sticking to an “agreement” does not show her how much she matters. Keeping her in his life all the time is what should be done, until she tells you not to. Moms make agreements usually for much less than they actually want because they walk on eggshells around hopeful adoptive parents. She does not have to answer, but you should have been showing her more often, how much she counts.

This woman’s response was – It’s been hard to know how to be in a relationship with completely one-sided communication. In the absence of communication about what her wanted, the agency social worker advised me to stick to the agreement. We discussed text vs email and I was advised that text might be too immediate, if she wanted to withdraw at that time. I would have much preferred being in closer contact and being able to send off a photo or thought whenever it struck me. I see now that the guidance that I got was not great and that I should have explicitly asked her for clarification about what she wanted. I was trying to honor what I thought she wanted, which seemed to be more distance. It’s been so confusing navigating this without any guidance.

One of those first mothers replied – Stay out of their relationship as much as you can. It is not about you at all and he AND his mother need to know that you understand that. To which the woman replied – Do you mean once a contact relationship is established by me? I could facilitate our son sending an email himself but I would be afraid of the disappointment of not getting a response. He is still pretty young, he is not feeling a pressing need to get in touch (consciously at least), just casually said to me that we should call her and say hi on his birthday. This is mostly being led by me seeing that things will get more complicated as he gets older and hoping to create an opening for them now. But once contact is established (if!) this is invaluable for me to know.

Another first mother answered – I think sometimes adoptive parents try to reassure or instill pride in the original mother by showing or telling them how well their child is doing. I would hold off on that. Natural mothering instincts are suppressed, when you place a baby. That mother needs to know her child is hurting. She needs to know there is a hole only she can fill and that it will remain empty without her. I can only imagine how hard that would be to say and hear and feel as an adoptive parent but in my opinion the first mother needs that. They need to hear they are needed as a mom. So much of what happens during and after placement tells the original mother that they are no longer mothers. If she does not feel like a mom, she will not act like it. Which is never best for a child.

An adoptive parent asked – how do you do this without causing shame to the mom? The response from a first mother was – the mother needs to feel shame. It’s part of our journey and a pivotal moment on our way to accepting accountability for our actions. I know it’s tempting to relieve that ,especially if you’re concerned with how that mother will react. But saving someone from their emotions only hinders their progress. And I’m not saying try to force shame on her or say things to purposefully hurt her. I am saying if you tell a first mother her child is hurting and needs her, and if her response to that is feeling ashamed, that’s ok. That’s how a mother should feel, when they learn they’ve hurt or are hurting their child.

An adoptive mother shared – Our kid’s mother and I tackled that conversation in the past year. I opened the conversation with the need of the child – “Child m is struggling with xyz, what do you think about that? You would have the best insight as child m’s mom.” I know about her background from conversations we have had previously, so I was also able to mirror some of what she had shared back. For me, the conversation was focused on what she thought was best or what the child needed. Not on did she do that as a kid or gaining like medical background from her. Because that feels like I’m just gaining information, not asking her to brainstorm or advise me. I also started to ask her permission for other parenting decisions to gain her input. That also helped us build that kind of relationship. And it can be small things too like child c wants to pierce their ears, is that okay with you? Child s has asked to try public school instead of private what are your thoughts? Child e is going out for xyz play, did you ever act or sing? Any advise for child e? For us, this reaffirms her as their mom because she is. It also gives us a way to update her about her kids and their life choices, events etc without it always being the same “so and so is great, here’s some photos of them smiling.”

Another first mother admitted – I know that if my children’s adoptive mother reached out saying my kids wanted contact, I would JUMP on it. Anytime, anywhere, any way I could. But then again, I couldn’t imagine having the option to see my kids and not taking it. I would traverse the depths of Hell to get that opportunity. My advice would be to reach out and just tell her that her child wants to get to know her, and that the door is open for her.

Child Removal

A point was made in my all things adoption group that “Child removal is a separate issue from adoption.” My image comes from a post at Generocity by Steve Volk titled LINK>Black families confront a child welfare system that seems intent on separating children from parents. I already had encountered information about that before.

In my group, an adoptee admits – It was 100% right for me to be removed from my biological mother, it was 100% wrong for me to be adopted when I could’ve aged out of the system. I was 17 when I got adopted. I had less than 8 months til I turned 18.

Another adoptee says – there’s a big difference between foster care and infant adoption but the effects on us remain the same. Not one of us, who care about reform, advocate for a child to remain in harm. Those with a lived experience of adoption and foster care know – it often does more harm than good.

One adopted as an infant says – I have to remind people that external care may be necessary but adoption is not. I required external care. I did not required adoption.

One person with experience with the foster care court system has questions – Why is adoption considered to be creating permanency and pushed so heavily? Initially one would think cost of care, but when subsidies are factored in, is this cost really an issue? I guess there could be more governmental cost incurred due to employing caseworkers, etc. Is the current system a “fix” for the broken system where kids remained in long term foster care most of their lives and never have a “family” atmosphere? Where did the Adoption and Safe Families Act come from, that made it a federal law that kicks in at 15 to 22 months after removal?

Some possible answers come – society, on the whole, has specific views about adoption that have been absorbed into the mainstream view. What percentage of people in the whole of society are CONSCIOUSLY AWARE that an adoption can be disrupted by the adoptive parents, that children are rehomed by their adoptive parents, or that adopted children are over-represented in residential treatment centers? Only a small percentage of people who have no experience with adoption know these things. However, there are also people who ARE involved in some part with adoption situations that don’t realize these either.

There are systemic issues. Some stem from sociological issues that could be addressed on a larger scale (and, to an extent, are now being addressed on social media). Because of systemic issues, removals happen that shouldn’t. Those children are sold to couples who can afford to pay, instead of giving their actual parents support.

From another – Honestly. It makes adults feel better that this brings permanency and that it makes the kid feel stable. It only brings that, if you’ve told the kid that’s what brings stability. The local foster group always bashes anyone who says they’re going for guardianship. Telling them how the biological family will be dragging them into court every month. Saying how it’s awful and the kids deserve better.

And yet another perspective and a story from real life – it came out of frustration with children being held in foster care and shifted from home to home with no permanency over many years (5-10 or more) while parents made no progress towards reunification. The United States loves big one-size-fits-all solutions to complex problems. This act created massive incentives for states to get kids out of foster care and into adoptive homes. Arizona is one of the WORST examples. My friend was forced to adopt her granddaughter after just 12 months in care. Had she not been adopted by her grandma, Child Protective Services was going to place her with strangers who would. She was young (about 3), blonde and white appearing (although ~3/4s Hispanic), healthy, etc. Quickly out the door for a kid like her. Did the girl need to be removed from her situation with her mother? 100% but the timeframe for reunification was totally unrealistic. The mother eventually did get sober and stable but it took her 5 years, not 1. They eventually went to court to vacate the adoption and won a huge settlement from the state. After living with her mother for a few years, this girl is now back with my friend as her guardian because the mother could not stay sober, housed etc. But she is safe and loved and with family without being adopted. This time Child Protective Services was not involved. Incidentally, my friend was raised by her aunt because her own mother had many issues and my friend was never adopted. She wanted to do the same for her grandchild (as she is now) but the state forced her to do it their way.

An adoptee wants to clarify – When people just say they’re anti-adoption, it sounds to abused kids like you think they should be left with their abusive birth parents no matter what. When you’ve been abused by your birth parents, some people act like that’s their right – you’re their property. It’s very important to know that’s NOT what you mean.

One transracial adoptee notes – my mother did nothing wrong but my brother and I were taken. He’s still out there somewhere because the Catholic church recommended we didn’t stay together.

One person notes – it should also be possible to support families *before* abuse becomes an issue. Our society isn’t equipped for that right now. Our government would prefer to throw money at foster care, rather than at family preservation.

From an adoptive/foster care parent – There’s a difference between feeding the adoption industry and helping kids whose family has let them down. I’ll always push to help parents get the resources and help they need, but I also believe that kids deserve a safe space to grow up. Some parents/relatives get it together and some don’t. That’s a reality.

blogger’s note – I share what I do in this blog to help others, without a direct familial experience of adoption or foster care, understand the long term effects of decisions that are being made every day that directly affect many children and their families.