Not The First One

It is a common experience for many women – I am one too. I also do know someone who had similar experiences to this woman in her own childhood. So, today’s story is really only one of many. Trigger warning if you need one to stop reading here.

Her back story – I am also a former foster child, and a victim of s*xual trafficking while in the system in the late 1990s and early 2000s. I was SA’ed and got pregnant at 16- resulting in a baby being born that I placed for adoption. I grew up in an abusive home on BOTH sides of my biological family. I was SA’ed by family members on BOTH sides of the family. I was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and neglected to varying levels of degree by BOTH sides of my family. Also considering I was SA’ed, resulting in the pregnancy— we later found out it was likely a ring of family members who participated in trafficking behaviors.

That being said – We know that adoption create trauma, and that it should be avoided when possible. Some believe that adoption should never be an option. I do respect and understand this will be emotional labor for those who answer. I value your time and energy into responding. I appreciate you taking the time.

How do you find where the behavior patterns in the biological family stop and thus create a safe home for a child? How do you suggest people navigate those waters? At what point does “whenever possible” to keep the family with biological connections TRULY become exhausted?

As an adoptee – First off- would you want to know the trauma that was behind your placement in a situation such as this? Would it make a difference how you felt towards your biological mother who had willing placed you for adoption in this situation? If your biological mother had the trauma that I had – do you still think that biological family connections should be explored at all costs?

As an adoptive parent – How do you ensure biological ties with histories such as the above and keep the child safe? In the event you were told something extreme about the biological family of the child you adopted—do you verify (especially if you adopted through the state)?

I’m simply asking – what could I of done differently at the time (in your opinion) other than place for adoption and made it safe for my child?

Some responses –

One adoptee shares – I was placed for adoption in 1971. I was born to a 14 year old girl and 21 year old man. It was not a safe situation to raise a child. The best place for me was in an adoptive home. I do have contact with my biological family now that I am an adult. They agree that the best decision was made at the time.

Another adoptee echoes something I have read from many adoptees, many times – I feel having an abortion would have been your best option. Having a relationship with natural family does not mean the child isn’t safe. They can have a relationship and see a biological mirror through supervised visitations. And I would absolutely want to know the trauma behind my placement. Adoptees always deserve the truth, even if it isn’t pretty.

Another adoptee notes – the safety of the child should always come first. While I acknowledge that adoption comes with serious trauma and I had and still have difficulties because of adoption, I love my life now. I love my husband, children, and grandchildren and am thankful to be alive every day. I know not all adoptees feel this way and it took a lot of work on myself to get to this place, but I’m thankful I wasn’t aborted. I do however feel that kinship placement or fictive kinship placement, where the child doesn’t lose his or her identity is a better alternative to adoption. I also understand that that might not have been possible in your case due to safety concerns. As far as telling the truth to the adoptee, absolutely yes. Adoptees deserve their true history just like everybody else.

LOVE this from an adoptee – Personally If you were my bio mom, I’d tell you, you are one of the strongest women I know. How brave and how much of a survivor, and thank you for protecting me as best you could. At least you cared, some of us have bios who honestly wished we would have never been born. I’m living my best life, surrounded by those who love me unconditionally, because I am worthy to have a life and live it to the best I can.

She asks – Was there a mothers home or a place that could have helped you get started with your baby ? I’ve volunteered at a maternity home which helps moms and babies get settled in together with other moms and helps them with parenting classes, education and job training ? There was no pressure for adoption just supporting young women. One day I hope to be a safe haven to someone who wants to raise their child but doesn’t have the ability or resources and help them get on their feet so they can support themselves and their baby.

An adoptive parent shares her approaches – I have the information I have regarding the unsafe members of kiddo’s first family because of people elsewhere in the family sharing what they experienced or saw with me. I didn’t have to verify, but there are some people once believed to be an imminent and direct threat to the baby (now five) and I look them up occasionally. We are in contact with Kiddo’s parent and I once had a party so that “safer” people on the other side of the family could see them. I also keep pictures of some of those people we don’t have contact with, provided by family members that we do. It allows us to talk to kiddo about things like “X is very tall, it looks like you are going to be tall like them.” “Your color of hair comes from Y, maybe it will look like this when you’re a little older.” “Sometimes when you smile it looks like this person”

One adoptee honestly admits – If I was the survivor of a SA and there was a pregnancy, I would never want to see that child again. I would definitely terminate but if it ended up being not possible, I would adopt the baby out and want it as far away as possible. I wouldn’t want it to stay with my own kin and risk having to see my rapist’s face reflected back at me. I would extensively defend any other SA victim’s right to do the same without judgement. As an adoptee, if I was the result of SA, I would much rather still be adopted and not know the truth than have stayed with bio family and had to know. It’s one of the few cases in which not knowing is probably better.

Then there was this from an adoptee/and birth mom, who was trafficked by her biological mom, a former foster care youth, adopted by abusive family at age 7, then disowned at 14, and trafficked again from 16 to 22 – I just came to say that telling a woman she should abort her child is absolutely insane and super disrespectful to all adoptees out here living life after surviving such a childhood, who found a way to make a beautiful life. Like you’re saying I should have never been born just because I would have trauma in my life. News flash folks – no one gets thru life without trauma or being a victim of something. Resiliency is also passed on – not just trauma. Also there is something just so wrong about the narrative that just because one’s life is going to be difficult that means they should die.

An adoptee notes – I want to know everything that led to where I am now. Before I had the real story, I romanticized all the details that I could imagine and suffered a very rude awakening when I was met with secondary rejection. I am one of the adoption abolitionists you mentioned in your post who thinks there is never a time for adoption but that is not to say I don’t believe there is ever a time for outside care. I just don’t believe in the permanent legal falsification of family history. I believe in guardianship when necessary but never the removal of identity.

Some suggestions from an adoptive mother – In your situation, an adopter should have your child focus on the connection with you, instead of the entire family, and maybe some same-age cousins (first, second, third…) whose parents did not assault you. I don’t know what you could have done to keep your child, while keeping them safe, because it depends on the resources that were at your disposal at the time. If you were a 16-year-old parenting foster youth in my jurisdiction, I would point you towards a dual enrollment community college program that allows you to substitute an AA (Associate of Arts) degree for junior and senior year in high school at zero cost, recommend several trades where AA’s have good pay and job prospects, and show you how to do paperwork for the free daycare program you would likely qualify for due to low or no income.

Answering Hard Questions

Today’s complicated situation (not my own) – I am currently expecting and due in December. My pregnancy was unplanned with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, and I initially considered abortion but chose to pursue open adoption instead. The adoptive parents I selected are family—my sister-in-law’s sister—so my son would grow up with his cousins in the town I’m from and where some of my family still live. They’ve struggled with infertility, having faced four miscarriages and a stillborn, and they’re overjoyed about this baby.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future and how I’ll respond when my son asks, “Why did you give me up?” My reasons feel rooted in fear and selfishness, and I’m not sure they’re good enough. I’m 27, with a stable job, savings, no drug issues, and not in any dire circumstances. I’ve just never wanted kids and fear the unknown challenges of single parenting.

I’ve been researching adoption’s impact on both the child and the birth mother and am realizing the deep grief, loss, and trauma involved. It’s making me reconsider my decision to place him for adoption. I fear making this decision will make him grow up feeling rejected by me, but also feeling like a second choice child to the hopeful adoptive parents because of their inability to have biological children.

The HAP are flying out in a few days, and they don’t know I’m having second thoughts. I’m terrified of hurting them. Should I tell them before they come, or wait to talk in person?

If I keep my son, I’ll be raising him as a single mom. Even then, he’ll face the pain of growing up without an involved father. The adoptive family offers a stable, loving two-parent home with the means to provide a private education and a secure future.

For those of you who are adoptees, my question is: Looking back, would you have preferred to stay with your biological mother, even if it meant a tougher life, or be with adoptive parents who could offer more stability and opportunities?

Any thoughts, personal experiences, or advice would mean the world to me. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever faced, and I want to do what’s best for my son, not just what’s easiest for me. I know both decisions are a hard path, so I’m not saying giving up my son for adoption is “easy”, but it’s the “easy” way out of responsibility and fear of the unknown, and it feels deeply selfish. There is a ton of fear surrounding open adoption too with not knowing if it will stay open, or if I’ll end up regretting my decision.

An adoptee reminds her – you don’t owe anyone your baby. Another adoptee admits – I had great adopted parents. Even so, it didn’t stop me from wondering why I was given away. I never felt whole, and still don’t 40 years later. Another adoptee shares – Tons of struggles with my identity, horrible abandonment and attachment issues. One says – And I definitely still have trauma. And another one – I love my adoptive parents, but the feelings of grief and abandonment are pervasive in my life.

A mother shares her own journey – I already had three kids when I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I wanted an abortion but ultimately couldn’t go through with it. Then I regretted not going through with it for a looooong time. Like even once my baby was here. So then I contemplated doing adoption, but I’d cry about the trauma it would cause our whole family. Of what I was robbing my innocent baby of. Of the stories from adult adoptees. Of how he would always feel unloved and unwanted because he was the one that didn’t get to stay. And then once he was about 10 months, it just clicked for me. I was listening to a song about abortion in the car and was thinking “that’s what I should have done” and I looked at him in the camera and an immense wave of sadness hit me. And I realized just how perfectly my 4th child has fit into our lives. It was hard. It still is (life would certainly be easier without a one year old, especially as my older kids are in school). But I don’t have any regret anymore. And I remember someone a long time ago told me “you baby is just as adoptable at 6 months as a newborn, so give it time”. It helps get the hormones a little more under control, helps you adjust to life a bit, etc.

A Sad Truth

I read about this today – We adopted an 8 year old in June. She is not taking it very well. We decorated her room the way she asked. We are sending her to a fabulous school in September. We tell her we love her and we buy her toys. My parents came around with tons of gifts for her and my husband’s dad came to see her as well (his mother passed away).

She refuses to give her granny and grandpa a kiss. She refuses to call us mom and dad. We are trying to be patient but after waiting so long to have a child, we finally got a child but our child does not want us.

She thinks her mom is coming to get her. She was put into the system at the age of 6 due to neglect. Her mother is an alcoholic and her father isn’t around. Her mom forced her to steal alcohol and she got caught. I’m only sharing this because I don’t understand why our daughter does not want a regular mom and dad.

I just walked into her room to collect her laundry and saw her crying. When I asked her what the matter was, she told me that she has her own family who are her “real” family and my husband and I are a “pretend” family.

So, I came up with the idea of teaching her about ancestral magic. Maybe she will be able to feel a connection with her ancestors. That might help her feel that we are also a part of her biological family (watching over her). Do you think this might help ?

blogger’s note – I found this in a book advertisement – LINK>Ancestral Magic by Kirsten Riddle. Empower the here and now with enchanting guidance from your past family history. It is described as “A positive and practical guide to discovering not only your family roots but also your purpose and the magical healing energy available through connecting with your ancestors.”

On to some comments in the group where I saw this –

From a kinship adoptee – my heart breaks for this child. The void & sadness I felt from wanting my mom was almost too much to bear at times. I know what it’s like being that young & longing to be w my real mother.

From another adoptee – this is horrible to read. How do they expect this to go?? It’s a child. A human. Not a product. Ffs. And as a Christian, what if her real family is Christian and they’re going to be shoving this ‘ancestral magic’ nonsense down her throat? Nauseating. And trying to force her to KISS them??? They did that to my daughter who was medical kidnapped as a newborn and tried to force an adoption for 2.5 years and now she has cold sores every month. Sick people. Thank God my adoptive parents never forced me to KISS them, even as a newborn adoption just hugging makes me uncomfortable.

Another writes – Adoptive parents should go through mandatory counselling prior to adopting. This adoptive mother has no idea of the physiological damage she is causing that little girl. Its heart breaking.

Another person asks – so she wants to teach her about deceased ancestors to brainwash her from loving living ancestors ? This is disgusting.

An kinship adoptive parent and the sister of an adoptee suggests – how about some trauma therapy and empathy magic instead?

And a reality check – I understand they love her, but she is not just MAGICALLY your child. She is going through so much trauma being ripped away from her mom. I don’t know why this is a hard concept for this woman to understand.

Not All

Today’s story illustrates this –

We adopted our almost 8 year old from birth. The relationship with birth mom and her other children has been sporadic at best (her choice). My daughter misses her siblings but they have recently been taken from the bio mom who became homeless and apparently was charged with neglect. Some are with their own bio dads and one is in foster care. My daughter does not know this yet, and we will work with her therapist to share this information in a way that hopefully lessens the trauma (for context, we don’t have a way to get ahold of bio mom anymore to offer help and she has moved across the country).

My daughter also has always wanted to meet and know her bio dad and his family. We have worked hard to find him and make that happen. I finally connected with his sister (so my daughter’s bio aunt) on Facebook and my husband and I are meeting her next week. We’re hoping she’ll be amenable to starting a relationship with our daughter. We’ll get more information at that time, but she alluded that her brother isn’t not open to that right now. How do we make sure this is not causing more trauma for our young daughter? I know that having this relationship could be great for her, but will it make it worse knowing that bio aunt is willing to meet her (and hopefully have a relationship with her) but her dad isn’t? We want to do what’s right for her. She craves to know this side of her family, but I’ve heard that discovering the bio parent can create more trauma.

A relevant response from an adoptee – If any of her bio family wants to meet her/have a relationship with her do all you can to make it happen. Yes, it may hurt and cause trauma that other bio family does not want to do that. However, that can you can work through. What will never be worked out is if she discovers she could have had something with bio family but you kept that from happening. Even worse is if she finds out you were anything but 100% truthful to her or them. Don’t hide behind we were trying to protect her. Unless there is some clear danger, such as the parent abused other children or threatened her or you in some way, the only people you are thinking about is yourselves. It is acceptable to give an age appropriate truth such as her siblings are being cared for by other adults because her bio mother is not able to provide shelter for them right now. Therefore, she probably will not be in contact with her for a while. If she wants to have contact with her other siblings, try to make it happen. If it is not to be, tell her that and why. Again in a truthful age appropriate way. That could be upsetting to her but again that can be worked through. What is important is that she knows she can trust you to always be honest with her. Break that trust and you will lose her forever.

Wanted To Be Found

One adoptee answered a mother of loss’s dilemma with “I always wanted to be found.” When I found my cousin, the daughter of my mom’s half-sister, who knew my mom had bee adopted out of the family, she told me that her mom always hoped my mom would turn up, would find her, so they could sit and chat. This half-sister had only died a few months before I learned of her. My adoptee mom wanted to find her mom but was denied by the state of Tennessee.

Here’s the story of her dilemma – I had my son when I was 15. I was still a child and had no idea what I was doing. I believed that it would be in the best interest of my child to have a stable family with a mom and a dad who would be able to provide for him. I grew up in a broken home and I didn’t want that for my son. I interviewed so many hopeful adoptive parents, until I found a couple that seemed like family. We communicated via email, pictures/letters – always from me to the adoptive mother. I have never had any contact with my son directly. He will be 20 this coming summer and I have found him on social media. My question is for adoptees, do I reach out? I want so badly to have a relationship with him but I also don’t want to disrupt the life that he has. I did grow up, get married and have additional children. Will my attempt to forge a relationship with him at this point be more of a negative impact on his life?

An adoptee answers – He may be different. Each person’s journey is different. For me, I would have liked it if my first mother reached out to me. I’d say the only way to find out is to ask him. Part of the struggle as an adoptee is not having the opportunity to decide any of these things for ourselves. Give him the choice. Be prepared for whatever he decides.

Another adoptee notes – The majority of adopted people would appreciate your reaching out. Offering to answer any questions he might have. Knowing that he is an adult now, but perhaps not knowing if he was actually told that he was adopted… or if he does know, exactly what he was told about you. There’s also the concept that many adopted people don’t want to hurt their raising parents – it is crazy how often adopters really do let us know that it is “hurtful” to seek out the original family members. Definitely do reach out – don’t go overboard until he gives you feedback as to what his own situation and feelings are… I wish that my own mother wasn’t so traumatized by the system, so we could have even one adult conversation. A relationship? I would have jumped at that opportunity. I wish that for you all.

In response to the above, another adoptee affirmed – I want to emphasize the do not go overboard. Go slow, like molasses. Let him choose the pace. Don’t spurt out answers to questions he my not even know he has yet. And keep a journal, both for him and for you. It can act as a release valve. All the things you wanted to say, but it was too soon. I wish you peace going forward.

Another said – I would have loved it if my first mum initiated contact but completely understand her thoughts around this are different to mine. I don’t think initiating contact would disrupt anyone’s life. If he knows he was relinquished, he would most likely have the thought of contact floating around in his head .

A late discovery adoptee shares – Found my biological father at 20. Would have been great to know he had also been looking for me. One of the big things I struggle with is being angry, even after 18 years since finding him. Angry he knew and never tried and that I missed out on years of knowing my younger siblings and extended family.

Another says simply – Please reach out to him for both of your sakes.

One adoptee admits – I wish my biological family would reach out. It was a closed adoption and I know nothing about my background. I reached out via 23 and Me to a brother I found but I have had no response. I would love for my biological family to find me but everyone’s journey is different. I had a tumultuous upbringing and I have no family – so it would be nice for me to connect. I’m 37 and I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until recently. Went my entire life not knowing and not caring about my biological family. Only recently, have I had a change of feelings. I would do it if I were you – just be prepared if your biological son is hurt and let him express his feelings. Listening is so important.

One writes – I wish my mother would have ever reached out to me. I had to spend most of my adult life searching for her and it made me feel like it wasn’t worthwhile because my thoughts were ‘if she wanted to, she would’. You don’t have to disrupt, just a message letting them know that the door is open, if they are interested in having a conversation. I would have loved to know I wasn’t forgotten.

Yet another – My advice would be to go for it. You never know if you don’t try. I had been looking for my mom and she had been looking for me, but she found my contact info first and made the initial contact. You never know – he might be looking, too. Wishing you the best. It meant a lot to know my mom had been trying to find me, too.

This was good advice too – When my birth family (siblings) reached out to me, I didn’t respond right away (took me a year). I needed time to take it in due to situations going on. If he doesn’t respond right away, I don’t want you to feel defeated or rejected. Some of us need time to process it. I wish you the very best & encourage you to reach out.

Another shares – I’d say to definitely reach out but leave the terms open for him to decide / control. It was very hard on me when my “mom” reached out to me the first time. It ended up turning very negative, but I can say that at least it happened. My “dad” to this day, despite speaking with my sister, his other daughter, and having a relationship with her.. he has made zero attempt to know me or reach out. Put the ball in his court but take that first step. You don’t want to regret not doing so and I’m sure he would at least be curious!

Yet another experience – I didn’t get to speak to my dad from 12/13-22 and when I finally reached out, I felt very bummed that I could find him so easy but he never tried to find me. I think you run the risk of being rejected, of course, but you still would be doing the right thing by reaching out and just saying – if there’s anything you want to know, I will answer it and I would love to learn more about you, and whatever boundaries you need to set, you are more than welcome to.

Finally, this – Reach out. It is achingly horrible not knowing. I found my first mom before she found me. They lied to her. I unsealed it all and met her face to face within weeks. The reunion hasn’t been all roses and unicorns. But I’m so glad to know her today.

In a later response, this mother wrote – Thank you everyone for your insights on this matter! I know that every situation is different, I was just hoping that if posted, I would get a wide variety of responses to help me. I will be reaching out. Now I just need to try to find the words that convey how much I am willing to be there for him but also, I don’t want to put any stress or pressure. I am definitely willing to go at his pace or no pace at all, if that is his choice. It’s such a fine line and I don’t want to make any more mistakes. I do know that he was told he was adopted – so I won’t be completely destroying his world. Thank you again for your help!

A Harmful, False Narrative

Just because someone is a child sexual abuse (CSA) victim and is in foster care DOES NOT equal or mean the child or person will go on to abuse others. Please stop this very harmful false narrative. If you don’t want teens or older kids, say that head-on. It’s offensive to even suggest a foster child will abuse biological kids or other kids just because of their foster care label. Calling foster kids abusers and creating a stigma around CSA is disrespectful. People don’t do this for anyone else; don’t do this for foster youth.

Many foster kids are abused in foster care, and it’s common. However, this does not mean people should create lies and stories about innocent victims. The research and studies show that many foster youth harm themselves and not others.

Also, many abusers weren’t abused. Many foster and adoptive parents abuse kids who aren’t abused. Abuse is about power and control. You can abuse without being abused.

I find it crazy that people have empathy for foster and adoptive parents and non-foster youth, but foster youth don’t get any empathy at all. If you experienced abuse, would you want others to label you as an abuser and reject you? Of course not! Let’s stop doing this to older foster youth.

Many celebrities are CSA victims but I don’t see anyone saying mean things about them or calling them abusers who will go on to abuse. You have empathy for them and see them as victims.

Bashing and creating false narratives about abuse, really fu@# up a person’s sense of self and self-esteem. This is why many foster kids have issues now. No, you won’t know, but be prepared. The numbers don’t lie. Odds are YOU WILL get a child who’s a victim. It doesn’t matter what age. It is what you will do and how you treat the child moving forward that matters.

Trans and Adopted

I will admit that I don’t have a solution other than the “acceptance” in my image as I have not had to respond to an issue of this kind so far in my lifetime. I do know someone who did a great job of handling this with grace that I deeply admire. Today’s story from an adoptive mother (not my own story) –

What do you do when a kid’s mom is transphobic, and that kid wants a relationship with their mom more than anything? Mom refuses to talk on the phone but will usually respond to Facebook messages, which aren’t frequent at child’s choice. Child wants more contact but also knows mom doesn’t accept her and it’s a constant balancing act I think.

Mom’s Facebook got hacked and I had to locate her new one. She had unfriended me (but would still message) – so, I felt conflicted about finding her because I wasn’t sure she wanted to be found. Child wanted to send her a Mother’s Day message. It was the first time we had reached out since she got a new Facebook.

Mom responded (it’s been at least a year since the last contact) and says thank you and she loves and misses her but she will never accept her as a girl and she will always be her son.

I’m ashamed to admit I went off. I could not believe this was what she had to say after so long without contact and I know daughter is going to be gutted. She’s been asking all day, if her mom responded and I can’t face her right now. I apologized to her mom and said I don’t want to fight, that we envisioned a life of lots of visits and summers spent with her and daughter is so upset mom refuses to talk to her and is going to be completely devastated when I read her the message.

The bottom line is that mom should never have lost her daughter, and when I found mom and heard her story (post adoption, agency said they couldn’t locate mom and I read something about names being spelled wrong on birth certificates which allowed me to finally find mom) I was all for working towards reunification. But that’s never even be on the table because of the transphobia.

I find myself continually wanting to convince mom she’s being ridiculous (transphobia is so far from our reality in our progressive bubble that I literally cannot wrap my head around it, we didn’t even blink when daughter came out), but I also know she’s a victim of this situation.

Questions – How do I tell daughter her mom’s response? (She has an adoption competent therapist who is also LGTBQ+ competent). How do I help daughter balance this? I want to support her relationship with mom and I’m also so angry at mom for letting this come between her and the child that was taken from her.

An adoptee responds – I have to question whether information is missing here.

“I’m ashamed to admit I went off.” — what does this mean? It is a balancing act when you are dealing with prejudiced people but actions that cause tension between the child and its natural parent(s) do not happen in a vacuum. When the original poster doesn’t voluntarily own up to how they went off in the post, I also have to question other details. Why did the birth mother unfriend the adoptive mother on Facebook? What is this adopter saying about the child’s first mother ?

“[She] is going to be completely devastated when I read her the message.” The adoptee asks – Is the adoptive mother going to read the message(s) she sent berating the original mother ? Let’s be honest, I doubt it. Also, why even read the message in the first place ? The message is a response to a conflict with the adoptive mother, not a rejection letter addressed to the adopted person.

It is unfair to the child that their original is prejudiced against trans people. It is just as, if not more, unfair to the child that the adoptive mother seems to be self-victimizing, rather than self reflecting. “Poor me, I got unfriended on Facebook ! I don’t know how I’m going to tell this child how awful her birth mother is ! I envisioned a life of lots of visits !”

This kid’s transition seems to have came as a surprise to her first mother. The fact that she is upset about a gender transition taking place COULD be coming from a a place of prejudice. (It probably is, at least to some extent.) It also COULD be coming from a place of being blindsided. One day her kid is gone, the next day her kid is a different person. The adopters “don’t even blink” when this transition happens, probably because in some ways they see it coming. Now her kid is gone and on top of that appears to be a completely different person. Why should she be expected to adjust to such a massive change so quickly? In her eyes, she lost a little boy and will never get him back now — even if she comes to accept the child’s gender identity. Maybe this kid is the first trans person her first mother has ever known and it just takes time for her to accept the child’s identity.

I am not saying any of this to rationalize or justify transphobia. I am saying that the adoptive mother needs to look at this situation contextually. To understand the first mother is a human, living in different circumstances and engaging in different social circles. To get someone to see the “progressive” side of an issue, the answer is not to berate them for not understanding things the way you do. Maybe you have been exposed to different people and ideas that her first mother hasn’t been exposed to as quickly, if at all. Maybe her first mother would’ve been more accepting of her child’s transition had the child been with her all along. Maybe not. In either case, this adoptive mother should be probably be in therapy herself, if she are not already. There is much more to this issue, I believe, than they’re willing to admit to themselves. At the very least, this is not strictly a transphobia issue.

I think it is an awful idea for this adopted person and her original mother to continue communicating through an intermediary. This has clearly rubbed her mother the wrong way, fair or unfair. Her original mother probably would not be communicating the way she’s presently communicating (even if the transphobia remains) when communicating directly with the adopted person. A hostile message sent to an intermediary in the midst of conflict is not a letter of rejection addressed to the adopted person. This adopted person deserves the ability to speak directly with her original mother and get it straight from her. Even if she receives a direct, bigoted rejection, that would bring resolution in the long run, even if it caused more short-term pain. When you get a “rejection” through intermediaries (and I put this in quotes because again, the original mother’s message was sent to the adoptive mother, not the child), there are always questions of whether the rejector would say these things to your face. Whether details are embellished to villainize or paint people in a better light. Clarity is only achieved through direct communication.

A Lifetime Of Wondering Why

It is not unusual to hear adoptees express this kind of feeling – Adoption damned me to a lifetime of wondering why ? Why didn’t you love me enough to stay ? Do I deserve love ? What is love ? Am I unlovable ?

When a mother breaks the bond the infant had with her, it’s tears away everything the infant knew. The child’s heart is like a broken record or a confused GPS constantly re-calculating and playing over and over again the trauma, trying to make sense of it.

We are given a connection at birth. The moment that a severing happens a new attachment is formed. Heartbeats heard for months comfort us as we lay skin to skin. A voice we fell asleep to in our water beds is clearer and easy to recognize. The hands that pressed against the womb like a window now cradle and caress us. They do so for years. Or as long as we let them. I was nothing to you and no one was that special someone to me again.

I used to look for you. Staring in the faces of strangers, trying to remember how you looked and praying my eyes would settle on the face my heart would remember. I used to sit in a fog, while other children played around me, with thoughts only for you. I used to lay awake at night in my bed and see the moon peeking through the window and despair that tomorrow was another day of looking. Another long night apart.

So yes, I do remember. Even now, decades later – my body, my soul, and my heart remembers. I have learned love and I have learned loss. I have learned to draw happy little stick families with a sticker heart border and “my family” scrawled at the top. I still remember being pressed against your chest with your hair and smoky breath swirling around me. Pressed against your chest until I couldn’t breathe and it was all warm and black and fuzzy – YOU.

I know where you are now. You are buried on the side of a mountain. I never found you again no matter how hard I looked and believe me I never stopped looking. I do plan to visit your grave someday. I want to stop my heart from looking. I want to say the goodbye I never got to say and I want to do it for the little girl who still remembers.

Blogger’s note – on my own “roots” journey to discover who my adoptee parents’ biological, genetic parents were, I have been able to visit the graves of my mom’s parents. And I did sit there next to their gravestones and pour my heart out with the good-bye’s I never had an opportunity to say, before then.

What Really Matters

Family Matters

A question today for adoptive parents – do you set aside your own desires to meet the needs of your adopted child ? After adoption is finalized, too often promises made are not kept. Examples – [1] a first mother with an open adoption promise. The adoptive parents moved to another continent (Europe, mom is in U.S.) when child was about four. They promised at least annual visits but regularly find excuses to cancel. [2] an adoptive dad, even though he sees how desperate his son is for his siblings, he simply never prioritizes visits to maternal grandma and sisters. He chooses to believe it isn’t *that* important to him (son) – simply because it isn’t that important to him (dad).

An adoptive parent answers – I can’t speak to this because my daughter has zero birth family connections but in general I’ve done what is necessary to put my daughter’s need for connection outside of me ahead of my own needs. The closest adult to her moved very suddenly across the state and we followed without hesitation because the loss would have ruined her. I fly her to see the people who mean the most to her all the time. These days that often means she’s in my home state but I don’t get to see her and I’m careful to never say anything that could be construed as guilting or pressuring. And I’m sending her for a month this summer to the other side of the country to study under a mentor who is definitely the most influential female to ever be in her life because she’s seeking out that connection. We’ve put all of our financial resources into supporting these needs because I feel like she is owed ways to continue connecting with mirrors and people who aren’t just us. If she had genetic connections, I would break the bank to make that happen. I do not understand how AT VERY LEAST adoptive parents can’t stop and wonder how their selfish need for approval will play out in the long term. There are tons of days I miss my kid so much I can barely function but it isn’t her job to make me feel better or fill my voids. It’s my one and only job to make sure she has the opportunities and resources to become her best and most whole self.

From a foster parent – I never travel to see my own biological family because I am not in contact with them at all. With that being said, if a child in my care (adopted, permanent guardianship etc) wanted to travel to see their biological family… how could I deny that ? True, I’ve never traveled to see my own biological family. It’s not something we think about at all, so I appreciate this post for bringing it up in this context. I now will make a point to consider this perspective and allow any non-biological kids to travel to see their biological family… just because I don’t do it with my own biological family doesn’t mean a non-biological child in my care can’t see their own biological family.

A mother who lost her child to adoption notes – I feel this so much. I felt like I was never part of the adoptive parent’s family, even with an “open” adoption and the adoptive parent’s extended family is almost always seen as more important and has more frequent contact with the adoptee than birth parents/family. This shouldn’t be the case.

Another adoptive parent writes – I always wondered how openness works for out-of-state adoptions, particularly when the child is young and needs to be accompanied on flights (a lot of domestic infant adoptions seem to be out-of-state, which seems odd to me). While my husband and I see our families way less than the kids’ (2x in the last 3 years vs 2-4x a month) that’s not a sacrifice, that’s geography. Except for special occasions a few times a year, I reserve friend time / date ‘night’ for when the kids are in school, so that I am always available when they are not (this is a huge privilege I am afforded by not working outside the home and because my husband has a flexible schedule.)

Yet – how I fall short?

Youngest (age 11, adopted at 8) doesn’t like sleepovers. Sleepovers are a big part of her family culture. I also don’t like sleepovers (for myself.) I could probably get her to sleep over with relatives, if I came too, but in my opinion, that’s weird for a grown-ass adult to invite themselves to a sleepover at someone else’s house. I’ve “compromised” by driving her to visit early in the morning and picking her up right before bed, but the right thing to do would likely be to invite myself along to her sleepover invitations, so that she goes.

Eldest (age16, adopted at 14) spends way less time with family than she did prior to my home. She’s straight up told me it’s because she’s now allowed to have friends and because I taught her about boundaries and that if she were in her prior placement, she would spend way more time with family. While to me boundaries and friends are important for teen development, I still did, indirectly, cause her to withdraw from family and I do feel guilty about that.

An interesting point of view emerges – I have seen my mom go out of her way to keep the family connected but the biological family could care less. I believe the costs to see the kid should be on the biological parents, not the adopted parents and the adopted parents (and family) shouldn’t be inconvenienced for the visit… so I do feel like the biological mom should be able to get to Europe on her own to see the child.

The reply from the one who initially asked the questions was – In most domestic infant adoptions, moms are relinquishing because of lack of resources and support. Most adoptive parents have financial resources (or they fundraised to buy the baby). So, you’re saying that the mom (who already felt so choiceless that she relinquished her son) should find a way to travel to Europe with her daughter as often as she wants to see her son – because….. it’s her own fault she relinquished??? They didn’t live in Europe before adopting. She didn’t know they were going to move there. I don’t think they knew but if they did, they didn’t tell her and moved four years later. They are the ones who committed to openness and visits.

As a mother who relinquished because of threats, coercion and lack of support (and ultimately, a belief that I was not good enough), I’m having a hard time with your perspective. Maybe you can explain to me why you feel the adoptive family “shouldn’t be inconvenienced” for the sake of a child they chose to parent who needs to see their family? Do you think you’re drawing directly from the situation closest to you and this is based on feelings you have about your adopted sibling’s biological family ?

The explanation – the biological family has done no shows or come when they feel like it… especially concerning the kids we have fostered. (I note that we have successfully reunited about 30 kids with their families). I’m no longer stopping my day or the other children’s day for a visit that may never actually take place….the social worker can come get them or the biological parents can meet and join us where we are…this is purely based on years of experience…. And I don’t inform small children about potential visits because often times they are let down and the biological parents are no shows…none of my adopted siblings biological parents willingly gave up rights. The rights were terminated after YEARS. We tried to assist them in every way including allowing the biological mom to live with us – she just didn’t care to get it together…. We fought and advocated hard for their parents to get it together because we did NOT want to adopt them. We believe kids belong with family first.

That satisfied her question – therefore, your perspective regarding my general post to adoptive parents about the kids in their care is based entirely on your very limited personal experience (and a kind of obvious bias against the biological family). Thank you for explaining. I’ll ignore your opinion that my friend ought to be able to find her own way to Europe, if she wants to see her son.

From another adoptive parent – This is a hard one right now because every post in here talks about prioritizing the adoptee’s wants, but it is the natural mother who is always asking for more. We can spend a week with her and then, the adoptees choose not to do a video chat the next week and she will say that they are pushing her away and hate her. I have often wondered, if we stopped constantly offering contact, how often the adoptees would ask for contact. Right now, if we go to the state she lives in for any reason – we see her, we have 3 of our own family members in the same state and we only see one or two of them each time but ALWAYS prioritize seeing the natural mother. But we don’t ASK the adoptees WHEN they want to see the natural mother, we say, “we are going on a trip to her state, you want to see her, right?” And they shrug and say sure. The one area that I have definitely not made any effort is the other natural family members. One time a natural uncle reached out and that time I asked the adoptees and both said, nah. Not a NO, but a nah. I told the natural uncle that the adoptees didn’t want to meet with him on that particular trip. He hasn’t asked since and the adoptees have not asked either.

Another person offers this perspective – it seems, at least to me, that it’s very much obviously the job of adoptive parent to positively facilitate and maintain those first family relationships without being asked, rather than passively wait for child(ren) to ask for it to be facilitated and maintained. In the same way that we don’t generally wait for children to ask to be enrolled in education, have medical checkups or do any of the other “boring” stuff that’s good for them in the long term but not necessarily stimulating or enjoyable every time they do it. In my experience of talking and listening to foster and adoptive parents I’ve noticed an unmissable pattern, wherein the weight put on the opinions and feelings of children varies wildly from situation to situation in a way that seems arbitrary – until you notice that it correlates with the typically desired outcomes of the average foster or adoptive parent. Children being ambivalent about their first families is usually accepted at face value – embraced and validated, even. There is something incredibly permissive about that. A permissiveness that, on closer inspection, almost never extends to other areas of their parenting. It gets framed as giving children agency and there’s very little introspection on whether or not it amounts to the foster or adoptive parent neglecting their responsibility to make reasonable decisions, on behalf of the children, to set up the opportunity for them to form and maintain a relationship, a parent-child or other familial bond.

Rejection And Grief

Today’s story (not my own) –

I was adopted at birth, and I was told at 18. I am now about to turn 28, and really only just beginning to grapple with the emotions that accompany this information. I attribute that to getting married 3 years ago and finally being in a stable enough environment to begin processing, which college was not.

And to be frank, it’s been absolutely fucking awful. I always have and always will love my adoptive family so very much, and that makes the depth of the lie even harder to comprehend. I feel like I am burdening my husband and my friends with just, my own confusion at this stage. I am caught in a cycle of trying to justify my existence with harder and harder work and it’s not working at all lol. I know nearly everyone feels aimless around this stage in life, but woof. I am so tired. I am tired of feeling like the universe didn’t want me here. And like my entire life has been a lie. Which… it kind of was.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you, and I’d like to pose a question. For others who learned about their adoption later in life than childhood, and then began processing even later than that, what helped? Is it like grieving where you just have to let it hurt? Am I doomed to being a mopey bitch forever or will time give me grace with these feelings?

Some responses – Being late discovery adoptee (LDA) has layers to it that other adopted people don’t have to navigate. The lies and losses involved specific to life before and after discovery have massive impacts that can sometimes only be understood by those of us who have lived it. While community with other adopted people is valuable and helpful, I recommend joining specific communities for LDAs and NPEs (Not Parent Expected).

One asks – Are you in reunion at all? It can bring its own challenges but overall I feel like the truth is the only thing that can TRULY fully help us process, even if it hurts more at first. Lean into THE truth and gather as much information as feels right, so that YOU can put it together to come to terms with YOUR truth. For me, that’s the most empowering way to process the trauma.

One adoptee noted – The work you’re doing right now is some of the hardest work some of us ever have to do. Realize and accept that the people who purport/ed to love us, lied to us, or gave us away/sold us. While I can grasp all of it intellectually, I will always struggle with being invisible to them.

Another writes about the impact of the Dobbs decision – Not late discovery, but I didn’t start processing until 2 years ago when I was 40 years old. The Dobbs decision and supply of domestic infants was what triggered it. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything or care before that because while I knew as a child, it was supposed to be a secret from everyone else. There is grief. It does hurt. I don’t have any answers for the pain. I’m still feeling all the feelings two years later. Made contact in December 23 and reunion adds more feelings. It does help that my older half sister wants a relationship and we are working on building on.

From a late discovery adoptee – My experience was quite similar to yours. I discovered that I was adopted when I was 31. Now I’m 57. I think you asked a great question – asking if it’s like grieving. For me, that’s exactly what it was, and it took me a long time to forgive them. They were good parents in a lots of ways. I know they loved me very much (at least my mom) so it was hard to reconcile the fact that people who loved me and who I loved would lie to me about something as fundamental as who I was and where I came from. Like it’s hard to even comprehend. The grief, the loss. What could have been if I’d known and they got me the help I needed. Anyway, a few years after I found out, I decided to try to forgive them. I wanted my kids to have grandparents. And I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing them. Of being an orphan once again. I still go back and forth over it. Most days I don’t even think about it anymore. I’m at peace with it. But sometimes it still pisses me off. I still grieve for what could have been. It takes time. As others have said, being in a group specific to LDAs is a good idea. I think that while we have very much in common with adoptees who have always known, there’s a whole other dimension that only LDAs can understand.

Of course, this can and did go on and on but I think this is enough for today’s blog. If you are on Facebook and are a late discovery adoptee – this is the group mentioned more than once to search on for additional support – LINK>Forum for Late Discovery Adoptees. It is private and I don’t qualify.