Griping About Adoption Failure

This image came from a site FOR adoptions – LINK>Absolute Love Adoptions. I would agree with the author, Kathryn Russell, that is often simply a failure of the expectations around any adoption. I arrived there simply looking through google for an image to illustrate today’s blog.

In my all things adoption group, this story was conveyed from a ‘failed adoption group’ (I suppose intended as a support for such circumstances). The one experiencing this writes – “I just experienced my second failed adoption a week and a half ago. After taking baby home from the hospital and having her for two weeks, her birth mom changed her mind. I’m so incredibly mad. Mad at the system that provides little to no protection for adoptive parents. I’m mad at the people around the birth mom who encouraged her to parent her baby. And I’m mad at her for choosing to be selfish and do what’s best for her and not what’s best for her child. This is all so raw for me. I’m mad and I’m bitter. And to be honest, after this second failed adoption, I will not try again. My heart cannot take it.”

The person who shared this noted – “This person managed to hit almost ALL the Narcissistic Savior hopeful adoptive parent (HAP) statements …. Showing how most HAP’S ‘Really Feel’… as they sweet talk expectant mom’s like they are going to be ‘one big family’…. vs the reality that many closing “open” adoptions before the adoptee reaches the age of 3….”

A heroine in the group, who is the paternal grandmother of a little girl, who is now reunited with her, after an illegal adoption attempt that took place without the father’s consent (who is understandably now a Fathers Rights Advocate) comments – “Good! Don’t try again. You being mad that she wanted to parent HER child! You calling HER selfish! You presuming you know what’s “best” for the child shows you know NOTHING and are completely unqualified to be a parent natural or otherwise… just don’t have a child AT ALL..” She adds – “I think the revocation period should be extended not shortened. And fathers need to be ON BOARD 100%, and the mothers should not be allowed to lie about fathers without consequences.”

In response to her, the original poster commented – another Poster on the failed adoption group thread complained about having to “give her baby back after 6 MONTHS”. Because the father changed HIS mind at the last minute (yet, the agency still placed baby with ‘HAP’s)….and the baby’s DAD had the nerve to “Give Her Baby” to his Sister to raise….once she went back with them. The very Nerve !

Note !! parenting Your Own Baby is Not being selfish ! And support should be available to those wishing to parent ! No one that posted seems to understand that the agencies are the ones ‘keeping their money’. Not the birth parents ! (remember the reimbursement for living expenses is a ‘gift’ with no strings) and is small change compared to the agency fees.

From a domestic infant adoptee who was taken during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era (which started after the end of World War II and ended somewhat around 1972) – “While I can understand her disappointment and grief in not getting what she was expecting, she definitely needs to do a lot of work on herself. She is definitely not anywhere ready to parent anyone. I see this kind of reaction far too often. People need to understand that babies are not property to be bought and sold. I see people commenting that parents should not be able to keep their babies, if they have indicated that they are interested in placing. I worry that adoption laws will be changed making it legal for irrevocable contracts to be made pre-birth.”

To which another adoptee replied – I so wish my teenage mom would have been allowed the opportunity to parent me, her mother wouldn’t “allow it.” In turn, I was a 30 week premie, given to an unstable couple (adoptive dad did sexual abuse – they divorced 2 years after I was born) and a “loving adoptive mother” who told me how much I cost them when I was only 3.5 years old.

A mother who lost her baby to adoption (she was also a baby scoop infant adoptee) notes – I tried to change my mind when he was born. I had both the agency director and the AM on the phone with me (this was 1990) telling me that I just couldn’t do that to them. I had happened to pick their file literally on the day they put it back in active rotation, after the previous “birthmom” changed her mind after birth. I was told I would be destroying them, if I kept my baby.

She follows up with this rest of the story – both my son’s dad and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It’s been years of healing. My son is married now, with a baby of his own (best grand baby in the world). They chose to put down roots half an hour from me. His adoptive parents moved him 8 hours away, when he was 9. I only got to see him once from ages 9-17. They still live there. Now, I am the one who gets to babysit and dog sit and see them whenever I want. His daughter is growing up with no distinction between who he was raised with or not. My other kids (I had 4 more, years after him) are just aunts and uncles and I’m just grandma. It feels like the universe is righting itself, and I am so, so grateful to him.

An adoptee noted – Interesting how all their coercion tactics revolved around their feelings but not the wellbeing of the child. Which is so grossly typical of HAPs.

Another adoptee said – There should be a MINIMUM of a one year period in which mothers (or fathers) can change their mind. If we did away with adoption completely and required cases in which adoption would normally take place – to be placed as a guardianship or joint custody – this would be a non-issue because the parents could always access visitation rights and an ability to get their child back, when they are ready. Protection should never be for adoptive parents. Ever.

Another added – for that year, financial support should be provided, affordable childcare should be a guarantee, and any other obstacles should be removed – so that parents can make the informed decision regarding whether or not relinquishment is truly the solution.

An adoptee fostered from birth and then into a forced adoption at the age of 10 says – if a carer/HAP ever did less than the agreed-to (contracted in an OPEN adoption), the first parents have the legal right to reunite with their child(ren) and rescind any previous relinquishment. I mean, if we are asking for “pie in the sky” protections, that one has gotta be in there. The amount of times that a previously open adoption slams closed is astounding and calls into question the adoptive parents ability to properly parent, in truth and with the child’s best interests at the forefront.

Response to a FORMER hopeful adoptive parent – You help families avoid being separated. It’s ok to admit we were FHAP. We did the research and learned and grew and changed our minds. We thought it was a good deed, now we know better. We were wrong.

She notes – I’m here exactly for the same reason as you. I don’t even have a husband lol and was nowhere near ready to adopt but thought about it as something maybe in the future, like in 10 years and thought it should be an older child too. I think it’s helpful for HAP to see how many FHAPs are in this space.

Another person says this – isn’t this a really heinous misuse of “failed adoption” ? I thought that failed adoption referred to an adoption that is disrupted/terminated by the adoptive parents, leaving the child without guardians/parents – as in, the adoption itself failed as an outcome. Calling it a “failed adoption” because a family was able to stay intact is just so backwards and wrong, it just didn’t happen because it was no longer necessary. Like having a surgery to save somebody’s leg and calling it a “failed amputation” ?

Another mom who lost her baby to adoption – I have often thought that if only I had had someone, one person, who would have encouraged me to parent my baby, I never would have given him up back in 1973. Months later, my then sis in law said to me, “you had a chance at motherhood which you were ready for and you turned it down”. This wasn’t said in a loving way, she was listing all the things I was doing wrong in my life, and that was one. But at the time, she never said anything about how I was really ready to be a mom.

Another one agreed – same – I wanted to parent so desperately but no one around me encouraged or supported that choice.

The original poster notes that the failed adoption group – is full of Unfulfilled Hap’s showing exactly how they ‘Really’ feel about Expectant Mom’s, Mom’s who change their minds. The Mom’s friends, Families and group such as this who step forward to assist Mom’s ( and Dad’s) to parent. She hit almost all the visceral reactions / opinions of Many HAP’S and AP’s…. who will act like an expectant mom’s BFF until the revoke period ends.. And they believe ‘laws need to be put in place’. To ‘protect HAP’S’ from loosing their money and getting their hearts broken. Keep in mind that many HAP’S have ‘Go Fund Me accounts etc….’ Something the expectant mom’s are not able to do. Also the number of these HAP’S complaining that their beautiful nursery and clothes are ‘going to waste’ and will need to be sold….. (How many expectant mom’s who parented had the HAP’S leave so much as a car seat or filled diaper bag?) How many expectant mom’s who decided to parent have had Child Protective Services called on them by HAP’S and the adoption agency? Sadly – Many ….

A Tragedy Averted

Today’s happy ending –

I placed my baby for adoption at birth. Thanks to adoptee advocates against surrendering my baby, I was able to get him back without issue, at 4 days old. The hospital I delivered at, would not allow me to name him, only the hopeful adoptive parents could *because he was their baby* So, he now has since had a name change.

I still do not have his social security information, nor did the hospital tell me how to get it, only saying it would be sent to the hopeful adoptive parents. So there are questions – How do I go about getting this? What documents are needed?

*when I had his birth certificate changed to the name I had chosen for him, they took and kept my court order granting the name change.

*his birth certificate still shows at the bottom his original “birth name.” Is there a way to have that removed? His name is now as it should have been from birth. I would really like to try and forget about the mistake I made placing him and not be asked about it by him, when he is older. I never want him to feel that he was ever unwanted.

Added for clarification later – I did not revoke consent until a few days later. The agency contacted the hopeful adoptive parents and had them bring my baby back. I left the hospital when baby was roughly 6 hours old. I think I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go through with it, but I don’t think the hospital did. The nurse had mentioned that she felt it was necessary the hopeful adoptive parents name him, when I asked why the form was already filled out with their chosen name. I was emotional and don’t do well with confrontation, so I just signed off.

The agency had told the hopeful adoptive parents that the baby had been born and they should come to the hospital. This was in spite of me asking for more time with my baby. I do have to add that my leaving the hospital was approved but advised against by the doctor. At my 6 week follow up, I had the same doctor. Not my usual doctor, who later cried happy tears when I walked in with my baby.

There is always time to change your mind and decide to keep and parent your baby. There are limits on that amount of time but there is a revocation period. This varies by state and once the adoption is finalized is irrevocable. More information here LINK> Can I Get My Baby Back After Adoption? – What to Know About Adoption Consent Revocation.

The Social Security Administration has a blog about LINK> getting a baby’s social security number. In answer to one question – Your newborn does not have to accompany you to apply for a Social Security card. If you did not use the Enumeration at Birth (EAB) program, there is information here – LINK> Social Security Numbers for Children. This early in a baby’s life, almost everything can be corrected.

Unregulated

In 1994, a made for TV movie titled Baby Brokers tells the story of Debbie (how ironic being as how that is my name !!), an LA doctor (played by Cybill Shepherd) wanting to adopt who feels exploited by a couple who had at first seemed willing to sell their child to her but are actually scam artists, exploiting many women. If one didn’t know it is based on a true story, it would seem both strange and strangely perverse. In my all things adoption group, such stories pop up consistently over time. According to the one critic who reviewed this movie – it is “not a terrible movie and to be honest is quite interesting but the impact of it comes from knowing that it is based on a true story and it is then when it comes to life.”

In this week’s Time Magazine (June 7/June 14 issue), there is an article by the same title – The Baby Brokers. The digital version subtitle is “Inside America’s Murky Private-Adoption Industry.” The cover photo of Shyanne Klupp includes these words – “I will never forget the way my heart sank. You have to buy your own baby back almost.” The article notes that the photo was taken on Nov 21 2020, and notes that she regrets placing her child for adoption a little over a decade ago, back in 2010. I see this all the time from birth mothers in my adoption group. The regret. And that is why this group works diligently to support expectant mothers by encouraging them to keep and raise their babies.

Shyanne Klupp was 20 years old and homeless when she met her boyfriend in 2009. Within weeks, the two had married, and within months, she was pregnant. “I was so excited,” says Klupp. Soon, however, she learned that her new husband was facing serious jail time. Poverty and such life circumstances as entanglements with the legal system do cause a significant number of adoptions.

Shyanne reluctantly agreed to start looking into how to place their expected child for adoption. The couple called one of the first results that Google spat out: Adoption Network Law Center (ANLC). Klupp says her initial conversations with ANLC went well; the adoption counselor seemed kind and caring and made her and her husband feel comfortable choosing adoption. ANLC quickly sent them packets of paperwork to fill out, which included questions ranging from personal-health and substance-abuse history to how much money the couple would need for expenses during the pregnancy.

The Time Magazine article notes – In the U.S., an expectant mother has the right to change her mind anytime before birth, and after for a period that varies state by state. While a 2019 bill proposing an explicit federal ban the sale of children failed in Congress, many states have such statutes and the practice is generally considered unlawful throughout the country.

Klupp says she had recurring doubts about her decision. But when she called her ANLC counselor to ask whether keeping the child was an option, she says, “they made me feel like, if I backed out, then the adoptive parents were going to come after me for all the money that they had spent.” That would have been thousands of dollars. She ended up placing her son, and hasn’t seen him since he left the hospital 11 years ago.

At any given time, an estimated 1 million U.S. families are looking to adopt and many of them want an infant. Those who want a baby far exceed the number of available babies available for adoption in the US. Some hopeful parents turn to international adoption. However many countries now limit the number of children they are willing to send out of their country. There’s always an option to adopt from foster care. Usually it is an older child, not an infant. For those with some financial wealth, there is private domestic adoption. That is the route my sister took to find a couple to adopt her baby.

ANLC is a largely unregulated, private-adoption organization located here in the US. The truth is – baby brokering a lucrative business. The problems with private domestic adoption appear to be widespread. The issues range from commission schemes and illegal gag clauses to Craigs List like ads for babies and discount rates for parents willing to adopt babies of another race (known as trans-racial adoption). There is no entity tracking the private adoption rate in the US. A best estimate developed by the Donaldson Adoption Institute in 2006 and a later one created by the National Council for Adoption in 2014 estimate the number of annual nonrelative infant adoptions at roughly 13,000 in 2006 to 18,000 in 2014. Public agencies are involved in only approximately 1,000 of these adoptions. The vast majority of domestic infant adoptions involve the private sector and money drives that exchange.

“It’s a fundamental problem of supply and demand,” says Celeste Liversidge, an adoption attorney in California who would like to see reforms to the current system. The scarcity of available infants, combined with the emotions of desperate adoptive parents and the advent of the Internet, has helped enable for-profit middlemen – from agencies and lawyers to consultants and facilitators – and these charge fees that frequently stretch into the tens of thousands of dollars per case.

“The money’s the problem,” says Adam Pertman, author of Adoption Nation and president of the National Center on Adoption and Permanency. “Anytime you put dollar signs and human beings in the same sentence, you have a recipe for disaster.”

Even though federal tax credits can subsidize private adoptions (as much as $14,300 per child for the adopting parents), there is no federal regulation of the industry. Relevant laws that govern everything from allowable financial support to how birth parents give their consent to an adoption are made at the state level and these vary widely. Some state statutes, for example, cap birth-mother expenses, while others don’t even address the issue. Mississippi allows birth mothers six months to change their mind; in Tennessee, it’s just three days. After the revocation period is over, it’s “too bad, so sad,” says Renee Gelin, president of Saving Our Sisters, an organization aimed at helping expectant parents preserve their families. “The mother has little recourse.”

In 2006, the Orange County California district attorney filed a scathing complaint against ANLC that the organization had committed 11 violations, including operating as a law firm without an attorney on staff and falsely advertising the co-founder Carol Gindis as having nursing degrees. While admitting to no wrongdoing, the firm agreed to pay a $100,000 fine. In 2010, former employees filed a discrimination and unlawful business practices lawsuit against ANLC. The company denied the allegations but the parties settled for an amount that plaintiffs are not allowed to reveal. Former ANLC employees also allege the company would encourage pregnant women to relocate to states where the adoption laws were more favorable and finalizations more likely.

Expectant mothers considering adoption should know that being pressured to go through with an adoption could be grounds for invalidating their consent and potentially overturning the adoption. It is a question of whether the parents placed their children under duress.

Stories of enticement and pressure tactics in the private-adoption industry abound. Mother Goose Adoptions, a middle-man organization in Arizona, has pitched a “laptop for life” program and accommodations in “warm, sunny Arizona.” A Is 4 Adoption, a facilitator in California, made a payment of roughly $12,000 to a woman after she gave birth, says an attorney involved in the adoption case. While the company says it “adheres to the adoption laws that are governed by the state of California,” the lawyer, who asked to remain anonymous because they still work on adoptions in the region, says they told A Is 4 Adoption’s owner, “You should not be paying lump sums. It looks like you’re buying a baby.”

Expectant mothers routinely face expense-repayment pressures when they consider backing out. Some states, such as California and Nevada, explicitly consider birth-parent expense payments as an “act of charity” that birth parents don’t have to pay back. In other states however, nothing prohibits adoption entities from trying to obligate birth parents to repay expenses when a match fails. Conditioning support on a promise to repay or later demanding repayment if there is no placement is at very least unethical.

In 2007, Dorene and Kevin Whisler were set to adopt through the Florida-based agency Adoption Advocates. When the agency told the Whislers the baby was born with disabilities, the couple decided not to proceed with the adoption—but they later found out that the baby was healthy and had been placed with a different couple, for another fee. After news coverage of the case, Adoption Advocates found itself under investigation. In a 2008 letter to Adoption Advocates, the Florida department of children and families (DCF) wrote that it had found “expenses that are filed with the courts from your agency do not accurately reflect the expenses that are being paid to the natural mothers in many instances.”

In 2018, the Utah department of human services (DHS) revoked the license of an agency called Heart and Soul Adoptions, citing violations ranging from not properly searching for putative fathers (a requirement in Utah) to insufficient tracking of birth-mother expenses. Rules prohibit anyone whose license is revoked from being associated with another licensed entity for five years. But a year later Heart and Soul owner Denise Garza was found to be working with Brighter Adoptions.

Jennifer Ryan (who sometimes goes by “Jennalee Ryan” or “Jennifer Potter”) is a facilitator to adoption middle-men and operates the websites – Chosen Parents and Forever After Adoptions. Both include a section that lists babies for adoption, sort of like a Craigslist ad. One example from last August: “AVAILABLE Indian (as in Southeast Asia India) Baby to be born in the state of California in 2021…Estimated cost of this adoption is $35000.”

Reforms to private adoption practices could include mandatory independent legal representation for birth parents, better tracking of adoption data and the reining in of excessive fees. In 2013, the Illinois attorney general filed a complaint against ANLC. It contended they were breaking the law by offering and advertising adoption services in the state without proper licensing or approval. ANLC retained a high-profile Chicago law firm, and within months, the parties had reached a settlement. ANLC agreed that it would not work directly with Illinois-based birth parents but it did not admit any wrongdoing and called the resolution fair and reasonable.

The few reforms that have been made in adoption law are generally aimed at making the process easier for adoptive parents, who have more political and financial clout than birth parents. There is an assumption by most people in this country that adoption is a win-win solution. The problem is that most people don’t really understand what is actually going on in this industry. Private adoption could move more toward a nonprofit model that is similar to Nebraska Children’s Home Society. They are a nonprofit that does private adoptions only in Nebraska (with a sliding fee based on income) and which rarely allows adoptive parents to pay expenses for expectant parents.

A civilized society protects children and vulnerable populations. It doesn’t let the free market loose on them. Children should not be treated as a commodity. Expectant parents in difficult situations should not be exploited. It is always about the money with the profiteers. During the pandemic, Adoption Pro Inc (which now operates ANLC) was approved for hundreds of thousands of dollars in stimulus loans. Its social media accounts suggest it has plenty of adoptive-parent clients. ANLC continues to run hundreds of ads targeting expectant parents. For example, if you Googled the term “putting baby up for adoption” in January 2021, you might get shown an ANLC ad touting, “Financial & Housing Assistance Available.”

As for Shyanne Klupp, she has since immersed herself in an online adoption community (probably much like the one I am in). What she’s learned has slowly chipped away at the pleasant patina that once surrounded her adoption journey. This realization is common. It is described as “coming out of the fog.” The problem is the profit motive. Klupp admits “I know in my heart that I would have kept my son if I had had the right answers.” That is what groups like the one I belong to attempt to do.