Adoptive Parent Perspective

A birth mother posted a photo, 17 years later, upon reunion with the daughter she gave up for adoption. The birth mother wrote – “Every year on her birthday, every Mother’s Day, every holiday, every moment that passed, I felt her absence.”

In response, an adoptive mother wrote – Speaking from the other side of the equation, it IS heartbreaking to know that after a lifetime of love and effort in raising your child, that ultimately you’re never going to be enough for them. You’ll ultimately be forced to share what it usually means to be a parent.

I full understand the point of view of the adopted child. Trust me when I say, there is a lifetime of pain for everyone involved. The biological mother suffers a lifetime of separation and uncertainty. The adopted child suffers from not knowing the particulars about their own biology.

And then there is a double dose of suffering for the adoptive parents. To begin with, usually one of the adoptive parents are unable to have biological children, so the adoptive parents are forced to mourn the loss of the children they will never have.

Next comes the search for a child in need, then, there is the huge financial burden. No matter what avenue you choose, it ends up costing tens of thousands of dollars in paperwork and other fees. Then the adoptive parents are forced to go through almost 2 years of background checks and in home assessments. Again I full understand how necessary these steps are. That being said, it is still a LOT of stress and costs that biological parents don’t have to incur and deal with.

Adoption is difficult for everyone involved, and honestly, if asked if I would go through the adoption process again ? My choices may not be the same. This is something that people, particularly adoptive parents, usually refuse to share publicly.

Born Twice

At his website, LINK>David Bohl writes – I am often asked about the title of my memoir, Parallel Universes, and how I came up with it. There are many different reasons it fits for me, but the simplest explanation is that I needed to describe what it was like to be born twice during one lifetime—as someone who had been relinquished at birth and as someone who recovered from addiction and healed from trauma. And I also needed a title not just to my book, but to my life, something that would be stamped into the fabric of my world and signal both to me and to others as to what sort of story I’d been living.

Being able to share stories is what makes us feel less alone; it’s what connects us more than anything. Sharing stories is also how we honor and acknowledge both our pain and our joy, how we situate ourselves among others, and how we relate. Being able to share and being known is one of the first steps to healing. blogger’s note – I believe this. That is why I am often sharing other people’s stories – because we are able to learn from their experiences.

It’s a human pursuit to look for the meaning of life, to try to make sense of the world and of our past. Stories also inform how we might act in the future. He notes – I didn’t arrive at my Parallel Universe place out of the blue nor easily. I had to face my Reality, however painful, and I had to look back into my past for some answers. I got enough context that I was able to develop that narrative.

Every abandoned person has to acknowledge that there was a family of origin, but how they deal with that is unique to each person. blogger’s note – even for the child of two adoptees, it was somewhat startling to come to grips that there were these other people, to whom I am genetically related, out there living lives I was totally unaware of, as they were also totally unaware of me.

My own dad was one of these – There are people who prefer not to know anything about their origins, who don’t consider the alternative reality that never was – where they grow up with different parents and in different circumstances. And there are people for whom this knowledge is essential and who find solace in putting as many puzzle pieces together as possible. blogger’s note – And that one was me.

He end with this thought – There is no wrong or right way to do this. I’ve talked with people who shared that their apprehension comes from not being able to find closure and not wanting to add to their problems. There are people who have tried to find closure and ended up further traumatized. There are people like me for whom those findings were a bitter-sweet discovery, one that I’m still processing and probably will process for the rest of my life. What unites all of us is that we all need some kind of a narrative to our life to simply make sense of it.

The Open Hearted Way

Headed into the future, I will always prefer a mother raising the baby she gave birth to. That is hands down the best outcome as far as I am concerned. But as a realist, adoptions are still going to happen. Today I caught a mention of this book – I’ve not read it but the intention behind it seems to be a good one.

Prior to 1990, fewer than five percent of domestic infant adoptions were open. In 2012, ninety percent or more of adoption agencies are recommending open adoption. Yet these agencies do not often or adequately prepare either adopting parents or birth parents for the road ahead of them! The adult parties in open adoptions are left floundering.

There are many resources on why to do open adoption, but what about how? Open adoption isn’t just something parents do when they exchange photos, send emails, share a visit. It’s a lifestyle that may feel intrusive at times, be difficult or inconvenient at other times. Tensions can arise even in the best of circumstances. But knowing how to handle these situations and how to continue to make arrangements work for the child involved is paramount.

It is said that this book offers readers the tools and the insights to do just that. It covers common open-adoption situations and how real families have navigated typical issues successfully. Like all useful parenting books, it provides parents with the tools to arrive at answers on their own, and answers questions that might not yet have come up.

Through their own stories and those of other families of open adoption, Lori Holden (an adoptive parent) and Crystal Hass (a birth mother) share the pathways to successfully navigating the pitfalls and challenges, the joys and triumphs. The most important focus to center on is putting the adopted child’s best interests FIRST as the guiding principle. It is possible for the families involved to travel the path of open adoption by mitigating whatever challenges may arise.

This book is said to be more than a how-to. More a mindset, a heartset, that can be learned and internalized. All the parents involved CAN choose to act from their love for the child and go forward with honesty. The goal of everyone involved should be to help their child grow up whole.

The take-away ? The adoptive/birth family relationship is not an “either-or.” Within the framework of an open adoption that works for everyone involved, it has to be an “and.” Adoption creates a split between a person’s biology and their biography. Openness in adoption is an effective way to heal that split when the reality is – the adoption is – and must be lived through.

Lori Holden’s website – https://lavenderluz.com/. Podcast link – The Long View.

What Gives Me The Right ?

This is a tricky issue that I have encountered here on this blog. What gives me the right to talk about issues related to adoption or foster care ? Am I an adoptee ? No. Have I spent time in foster care ? No. I do have a connection to adoption – Yes, I do. Both of my parents were adoptees and both of my sisters have given up a baby to adoption – but these are not the reasons I have become passionate about the subjects I write about in this blog. I am almost 67 yrs old and honestly, until about 3 years ago, I was in what is called “the fog,” not seeing anything to be concerned about when it comes to adoption. And I needed enlightenment and educating.

So I joined a group where the voices (thoughts) of adoptees and former foster youth are “privileged,” meaning given the most deference. However, in the group are adoptive parents, foster carers, hopeful adoptive parents and oddballs like me. And so, I have read and read and read there. I have bought books to inform me from the perspective of adoptees and former foster youth. And I get it and now I care about family preservation. I know that most parents actually DO want to raise their own children and those children want to be raised by their natural parents. Most of the time, children are removed from their parents over issues of poverty or solvable problems. Many an unwed woman who finds herself pregnant ends up convinced and coerced to surrender her baby – often to her lifelong regret. That happened to both of my natural grandmothers.

So the issue came up in my all things adoption group today. The woman identified herself as being a hopeful adoptive parent when she was younger. currently a teacher and someone who would like to become a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) when her own kids are a bit older. She admitted that she no other links to adoption. Her question was – Should I stay out of discussions of adoption ? Or should I share opinions that I’ve gained from listening to the members of this group ? When I see posts in other groups or have conversations in real life, I’d like to amplify the voices of adoptees and former foster youth, but I’m wondering if that’s not welcome. She noted in closing – Obviously, you can speak for yourselves on posts like these, but I know it is with emotional labor and at the risk of being gaslighted and all of that.

Someone who tried to speak up was told that she needed a reality check because some adoptees value life and don’t dwell in the past, and that the only trauma is for birth parents who are found years later and have privacy violated. And this is old misinformed thinking. It is the adoption agency line as to why adoptions should be closed and kept secret and it has been proven to be abundantly false by many adoptees who have had successful reunions with their natural parents. Yes, some of these fail or are awkward or come at an inopportune time in a mature adult’s life, especially if they are now married with children from that current spouse. It happens and it is painful and heartbreaking when it does but fear of rejection (which honestly happened to some degree when the child was given up and they know this) is no reason to prevent the effort.

One adoptee shared her own experience – Most first mothers want to be found. Mine was terrified of it but I think she’s glad I found her.

Another one encouraged the effort – Preach it…..pffffftttt on those who fuss ….. remind them that they can not speak for anyone but themselves. The truth will ruffle feathers. That’s ok. I personally don’t mind a dialog about differing view points….but many adoption focused groups don’t want that and delete/block a naysayer.

The one who originally posted the question shared – the adoptive parent I was communicating with felt comfortable speaking on behalf of the child’s birth mother. It bothered me. To which someone else noted – Remind her that it is okay to share her own story but NOT the child’s story! Then it is further revealed – She also brought up racism her daughter has experienced, so it’s a trans-racial adoption on top of everything. And clear that they are living in a very white neighborhood.

And so, in this particular case, it had become clear that the adoptive mother is wrapped up in some heavy adoption issues. Someone like that becomes so enmeshed, their only recourse is to carry on with adoption speak and in favor of what they created…..a big case of, pretend. That last word is an adoptee’s perspective on what adoption is – someone who pretends to be the parent who birthed you or that they have somehow saved you from a fate worse than death – called saviorism when it is trans-racial adoption.

So, this is partly why I write this blog. To spread some light in the darkness that has been adoption practice for decades as well as share my own personal stories, illustrating one or the other with one or the other. Yes, it has become a cause (family preservation) that I am admittedly passionate about.