Failed Plan B

Not my own story but for today – I am pregnant and have been contemplating adoption. However, I joined a group to cautiously explore that option and I’ve definitely had a change of heart after considering adult adoptee voices on the issue of adoption trauma.

I’m now 32 weeks into a pregnancy. I conceived after a failed Plan B. I immediately got on Depo-Provera (medroxyprogesterone acetate, a contraceptive injection containing the hormone progestin). When I went back 3 months later, they tested me before getting my next shot and I got a positive for pregnancy.

I have NO support system. I’m a single mom with 6 kids (3 are grown). I won’t have a baby shower as I have no friends or family support. I’m not working at the moment because this is a difficult pregnancy. I’m not excited at all. I haven’t purchased my baby anything or even begun to make a list of what I need. I guess my emotions are in control right now and as bad as I don’t want another child, I have to come to realization that this baby is coming regardless.

Has anyone felt this sense of hopeless disinterest and then had a change of heart, once they saw their baby? I guess I’m wondering when these negative feelings will pass. Also, how am I going to be able to afford to bring this baby home? Diapers, wipes, clothes, blankets, car seat…The necessities alone are overwhelming. I’m feeling defeated right now and I don’t even know if words of encouragement will help…But it’s worth a shot.

Helpful Response – You’ve got this! This part of your life is so temporary! Remember how, when your other kids were young, them growing up felt so far away? You’ll find a new village and support system in your new stage of life. You’re allowed to have all these feelings! There are Facebook pay nothing groups, search your city, then mom’s group or just look for the page. I live near a bigger city, so I joined that one too. It’s garage sale season here, so check on those, and Facebook Marketplace! When I had my first son I had NOTHING. My sister found someone on Craigslist who gave me everything for him. This season is so short. I know it’s scary, but you deserve to feel joy in this! I’m sorry that it’s not what you planned, that’s so hard! I could never have imagined that my son and I would be where we are today – the day I took that pregnancy test. You are doing such a good job as a mom already – just for reaching out! Asking for help and advice is not easy!! Take it hour by hour, sometimes a day at a time is too much. I live for finding stuff on Marketplace, search for baby stuff! We also have a local group supporting babies and moms. It was amazing. They helped find state/county services and offered support with baby items and even did weekly weigh-ins for tiny babies! You could search for something like that online too. I know googling can get overwhelming too, so know you can always reach put for help with that too, if just looking at a screen is too much. This season is temporary!

What Would You Do

I learned a story about a 25 year old woman, a single mom of a 4 year old son, with stage 4 cervical cancer. She noted that “I don’t have friends or family who can raise my son. My biggest fear is my child ending up in the foster system or with people who are not good or don’t love him.” Intrigued by her story, I went looking further and ended up at her LINK>GoFundMe page (and I’m not in a financial situation where I could help at the moment).

I learned there that she did succeed in getting a 2nd opinion at MD Anderson – “cancer is incurable but treatable. Meaning that, they can only keep my cancer at bay with treatment, but I’ll always have this cancer. He let me know that it will eventually take my life. If treatment works, my lifespan could range to hopefully years. If treatment doesn’t work, I’m likely looking at a couple months to a year to live. They made it definitely known to me the gravity of it all and how it really doesn’t look good. This scared the hell out of me.” Understandably.

She went for a third opinion – His advice to me was to make plans for my son after I pass. Since then, that’s what I’ve been focused on. I’m trying to find an adoptive family that is understanding of my situation. I’m trying to take as much time as possible to get to know and choose the right family. I believe I have possibly found suitable adopters. However, they live in Indiana currently (she lives in Nevada).

In my all things adoption group, it was suggested that she look into Guardianship Assistance Programs. Those programs help you match with a family (usually foster or hopeful adoptive), AND do not terminate your parental rights. The Guardianship Assistance process keeps your identity on all vital records but allows for a custody transfer that you can be a part of as things change for you. The programs can be hard to find and navigate alone. Assistance in doing so was offered to her.

On Facebook, I see she has posted as recently as last month. Sending the healing energy of my heart her way. I cannot imagine . . . but this is a sad reality in our world that happens. In some of my own exploring, I learned about LINK>City of Hope that has been an important help in some difficult cases (like insurance refusing to cover a necessary procedure).

Good Intentions, Broken Promises

I can’t even begin to count all of the sad stories I have read about open adoptions that don’t stay open. So many original mothers, who surrendered their baby for one reason or another, with expectations of continued contact, at the least photos and updates, who discover too late that they’ve been dismissed by the adoptive parents.

Here’s today’s story –

Her son is 4 and a half. She gave him up for adoption at birth to what she believed were the perfect adoptive parents. They promised her they’d keep her updated with pictures, texts, phone calls, etc. She just wanted to remain a part of her son’s life at a distance. She didn’t want to steal their thunder. She just wanted to know something about her son as he grows up but always intended to respect the adoptive parent’s relationship. The adoptive parents agreed to that expectation of the original mother.

They knew her situation, which was that she was single mom with 3 children to support. She had zero family to help her. She simply couldn’t afford another baby. Her son’s father (she also has a daughter by him) is from India. She knew he’d never be a part of his son’s life, as he isn’t even involved with his daughter.

Within a month of giving them her son, they stopped all communication. They won’t respond to any of her texts.

She is beside herself and doesn’t know what to do. She signed 50 pages of documents at the hospital, in a tiny room with 15 other people present as witnessed. They rushed her to sign the papers without giving her any time to read what she was signing first. They even had a taxi waiting outside for her and told her she needed to hurry up. She doesn’t have no clue what she signed.

She is at a loss as to what she can do now. Her son will be 5 in May. He has black hair, black eyes and beautiful golden skin. He doesn’t look anything like his adoptive parents, so it is likely he’s going to ask questions. She doesn’t want to step on any toes or ruin anyone’s relationship.

She just wants them to keep up their end of the deal. She admits that giving him up was the hardest decision she ever made. She only wants to be able to see his pictures. See how he’s doing in pre-Kindergarten. She just wants to know her son is alright.

She adds – “I don’t do drugs. I don’t drink. I don’t party. I’m a trauma bay RN and at the time, single mom struggling to feed my 3 kids and keep a home for them. I refused an abortion. I wanted my son to live a good life and accomplish something. I’m now engaged to a wonderful man that knows my struggle.”

This is a cautionary tale for any woman who is pregnant and contemplating giving her baby up for adoption because she has a set of prospective adoptive parents promising they will keep her updated. I’ve seen too many of these stories of the adoptive parents then closing communication. This woman ends her story with “How I wish I could go back in time and change my decision.”

Married Men !!

A woman asked for advice regarding this situation –

Advice needed for revealing an unplanned pregnancy with a married man at the worst time in your life, and facing judgment and disappointment from others. Is it better to get it over with or hide as long as possible? I know it was wrong, and I deserve the judgment thrown my way.

The good news is that this woman is determined to parent her child.

I responded with this –

I would never say you “deserve” any ill effects. I do not know the entire story. My parents were both adopted. My dad’s mother was unwed. She had an affair with a much older man who was an immigrant, not yet naturalized though he did become a citizen later on. I doubt she knew he was married when she first started seeing him. In my younger days the same situation (though not a pregnancy) happened to me. His disloyalty to his marriage was entirely 100% his issue as far as I am concerned in EVERY case of this.

I do NOT recommend my self-sufficient grandmother’s solution to you. She went to a Salvation Army Home for Unwed Mothers. She never told my dad’s father. I do share this with you because since I discovered who that man was (something I never thought was going to be possible since he was un-named but my wonderful grandmother left me breadcrumbs in her photo album which a cousin I discovered happily shared with me) – my dad was so very much like him – in appearance and interests. What good friends they might have been. It is a sadness for my own self that they never had the chance.

I wish you good resolutions. My heart’s mind will hold you gently for the best outcome. HUGS !!

Another person responded – People are going to judge no matter what. So do whatever gives you less stress and more peace. I would encourage you to tell him so you at least figure out where he’s at and don’t have to guess or wonder.

Someone else added – The father should know about his child, but I don’t see why anybody else has to know who the father is.

And another reminded her – He deserves to know. But you have the ultimate decision. Don’t let him talk you out of keeping the baby or into adoption. He can chose not to parent the child.

Someone else added – I would recommend disclosing it to those who need to know (in this case, the father). The fear of all the possible reactions can be debilitating. Better to just be upfront and tell him. It isn’t really other people’s business to know who the father is unless you wish to disclose it. I don’t see why you need to volunteer his marital status to your friends and family. Your child has a right to know who his/her father is. Acquaintances do not.

My favorite was what this woman shared – This is me! I told my baby daddy. I have a wonderful 16 year old whose father decided he would be involved about 7 years ago. I have been open and honest about his beginnings and have no shame. People will think what they will and I can’t control that. My son is an honor student, lettered in lacrosse in 9th grade and plays high school hockey. I’m bursting with pride about this kid! Have your baby and celebrate your child loud and proud!

Neglect

We watched a movie titled A Woman Called Golda. She was an extraordinary woman but she was the first to say that she neglected her children when they were growing up because she had important work to do – which was true – and her perception that it should not have been more important than her children was also true. It is a paradox.

I had to return to work when my daughter was 3 mos old because her father lacked seniority and was laid off by the railroad due to a 1970s recession. When I would take her to the pediatrician, I couldn’t answer the simplest questions because I was working full time and away from her most of her waking hours. The doctor would always try to reassure me that it was the quality of the time I spent with her and not the quantity of time.

I now believe that was a lie. Not intentionally a lie but a lie never-the-less.

In my struggle to support us as a single mother, I ended up leaving my daughter with her paternal grandmother so I could go and try driving a large 18-wheel truck across country in order to actually make a “livable” wage. My intention was to save up some money and start again with trying to support the two of us.

It didn’t end up that way however. Ultimately, her father remarried a woman with a child and then they had a child together. Her step-mother operated a day care in their home. My daughter ended up with the family life I couldn’t give her at that time and it was incredibly difficult to be an absentee mom in the early 1970s.

Fortunately for me, life gave me a second chance to prove to myself that I could be a good parent. My two sons, born late in my life, have been with me 24/7 for their entire lives (they are schooled at home). The few times I did have to be away from them, their dad was still there. They never spent a night away from us, not even with grandparents.

This probably seems extreme to many people but my children now have both quality and quantity time and are thriving and very secure.