What Are You Planning To Do ?

Teen Mom

I am the oldest child of a teenage mother. My mom discovered she was pregnant when she was 16 and still in high school. My dad a first year university student chose to quit advanced education and marry her, go to work in an oil refinery, often double 16 hour shifts in a noisy, stinky environment (I know because he brought those smells home with him). The miracle is, though both of my young parents were adoptees, I was not also given up for adoption. I will be forever grateful for that.

I had not considered what my mom may have endured as a teen mother. And in fact, she had my younger sister only 13 months later. Today, I saw an article in a Huffington Post “Personal” essay by Laura Good, a teen mom – LINK>I Had My Daughter At 16. I Was Shocked By These Things People Felt Comfortable Saying To Me. She adds – “While people regularly expected me to tell them how I would fix my ruined life… I can’t help but notice the questions I was not asked.”

She also admits that “My responses change depending on the tone of the comment. They vary from matter-of-fact to sarcastic and snide.” She notes that it’s common among pregnant people to have to navigate unsolicited opinions and advice from strangers. Being pregnant as a child also invites that behavior, but the overall tone takes a sharp turn toward shaming and judgment.

She remembers “I would get comments from people at the grocery store, people in waiting rooms, phlebotomists, hairstylists, friends, parents of friends, bullies, strange adults, and people from my school whom I’d never spoken to before. Mostly they felt entitled to know how old I was, who got me pregnant and what I was planning to do with my baby.” blogger’s note – That last one is code for are you going to give up your baby for adoption ?

She did not give up her daughter but chose to parent. She shares how she was able to manage that. “Things would have been much harder as a young mom if I hadn’t had the support of my own mother. Thanks to her, my daughter has so many treasured memories of time spent with her grandma growing up. I also had the support of one of my mother’s dear friends, who took me and my infant daughter in during a very dark time and included us in her family. We are still family to this day.”

“Between them and a few of my close friends, I raised my daughter surrounded by a beautiful circle of strong women. Even so, it wasn’t until my daughter was grown up that I began to chip away at the layers of shame that had been holding me together for close to 20 years of my life.”

She notes that “People routinely made major assumptions about me and my character that were never based in fact. Several of my daughter’s teachers underestimated my intelligence or assumed I was an irresponsible parent before speaking to me. One of her elementary school teachers told me that I was a bad parent because my child was tired at school one day.”

“Shame has a tangible impact on our brains and self-image, affecting our neurobiology and attachment style. When we are shamed by our community, we begin to feel like we are not worthy of love and belonging. It can become a part of our personalities. The shame I experienced in my life has profoundly shaped how I walk through the world. It has taken years of therapy and self-work to get over that, and that work is not done.”

She is also surprised by the questions no one ever asked her – Are you OK? Things like: Do you need support? Things like: Are you safe? She acknowledges the lack of gender equality in her situation and notes – “I raised a child while navigating severe PTSD, and I shouldered all of the blame.”

The good news that she shares is this – “My daughter and I grew up together, and we have a powerful bond and a wonderful relationship. I did my best to raise her with care and validation. She is almost 30 now, and I am so proud of the person she has become. I’m very intentional about the kinds of people I surround myself with now. I certainly couldn’t have done the parenting job I did without the help and support of my chosen community.”

She also shares – “I’m so passionate about advocacy and empowerment that I went back to school and earned a master’s degree in clinical social work, or MSW. My daughter joined me on stage for the hooding ceremony that is part of graduating with a master’s degree. Having her put that sash over my head and walking up there with me was an incredibly fulfilling moment. I recently started my first job as a mental health therapist. It’s truly a gift that I now get to support other people in healing from their shame and trauma.”

The Trauma Response

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your tender heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent by choice or by the circumstance of working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but no offered no safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships that always took more than they gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From the lies. The betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Ultra-independence is a trust issue.

You learned: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball… because they will always drop the ball sooner or later, right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Ultra-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is vulnerability.

“Never again,” you vowed.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.

You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.

You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.

You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.
Worthy.

Simply because you exist.

~ Jamila White

Grief Needs Space

Today’s story – not my own – I adopted my nephew a few years ago. My sister has a crippling addiction and Child Protective Services got involved. It’s all devastating and we all know adoption is born of broken hearts.

Anyway… So we try to keep in contact with his mom but she is very unavailable and doesn’t have stable living at any given time. Currently she’s been gone for about 2 years with no phone contact but we have checked with people who know people to make sure she is still around and ‘okay’. Her son is 4 years old. (We have had him since he was 5 months old, after being in emergency care for 2 months.)

Tonight he was crying at bedtime and when my husband asked why he said he misses his mom. (He knows he is adopted.) My husband just held him close until he settled and then he went to sleep.

But I don’t know how to handle this. I have pictures and thought maybe we can look through them but then panic that maybe that will make it worse. He saw his biological half siblings all day today (also placed for adoption to kin on the father’s side) so I wonder if that was a trigger but the answer can’t be to not see his siblings. I just don’t know how to help him.

I did reach out to a friend of my sisters to see if maybe he can relay a message and haven’t heard back but even then I don’t know what will help. She has only seen him maybe 7 to 10 times since being placed with us, so I don’t know if it will help or hurt for him to see her?

Anyone. Help. Tell me what to do, please. (Other than not adopt him because I didn’t ask for this…) I never intended to “steal him” or anything… I just needed my nephew to be in a safe place surrounded by as much family as possible.

From someone involved in counseling – I think he’s grieving and it doesn’t necessarily need to be “fixed.” Grief needs space and to be witnessed. His heart hurts for good reason and he needs safety to feel what he feels. A therapist might help you too as you hold space for grief with him. I suggest seeing an adoption competent therapist.

An adoptee shares – Holding him while he misses his mom and loving on him is the right thing here and you’ve done that. Therapy with an adoption trauma informed therapist and just being there for him. Letting him talk about her. The pictures are a good idea. Addiction is so freaking hard. Don’t give up on them – someday they might be ready. I think you should be in therapy too, you’ve pretty much lost your sister to addiction at this point, that’s a lot and it’s okay to need a little lift of support.

Show Hope

Their website seems to be orphan focused. One adoptee was not amused posting – “Yes, raise money not to support a mother but to take her child !” I went looking.

Here is what the LINK>Show Hope website suggests – The care of orphans is a global issue crossing all divides – borders, racial and economic. The cost of adoption can range between $25,000 and $50,000. That is outside the financial reach of most families. Many children who have been orphaned live with mild to acute healthcare needs, requiring access to medical and therapeutic intervention. Many who have the ability to make a difference in the lives of waiting children do not take action because they are unaware of the need or feel helpless to do anything. The photos show white mothers and a diversity of races as to spouse and children.

The organization suggests they are active in 5 areas of outreach – Adoption Aid, Medical Care Grants, Pre+Post Adoption Support, Student Initiatives and Care Center Legacy. How it started – with an 11-year-old girl in Haiti living without the love and security of a family. The parents, Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman, then adopted three times. In February 2003, they formed a 501(c)3 nonprofit with a focus on religiously reducing obstacles to adoption. They even have a “Join Us in Prayer“<LINK at their website.

The couple has experienced loss. Maria Sue Chapman was the youngest daughter (their sixth child). She was adopted from China in 2004. On May 21, 2008, as the result of an accident in their home, Maria Sue passed away. Donations in her memory launched Maria’s Big House of Hope their flagship Care Center in Central China providing care for children with acute medical and special needs.

I don’t know if the adoptee’s criticism was valid or not. I don’t know that this organization is taking children from parents rather than supporting the biological parents in their time of need. I do know there have been a lot of questions about international adoption and the impact of being adopted by a family from a different culture on the child. This is referred to as transracial adoption. Any fund raising with the goal of facilitating adoption has also come under increased scrutiny. I checked with LINK>Charity Navigator who says – Show Hope’s score is 99% based on Accountability and Finance, earning it a Four-Star rating. They advise – “If this organization aligns with your passions and values, you can give with confidence.”

Why Didn’t She Keep Me

The truth is – issues of how the previous or subsequent child/ren feel about the adoption of their relinquished sibling are almost NEVER addressed when a unexpectant mother is being counseled about relinquishing her baby. It happens. Lives change over time. That is why in activist groups opposing adoption – mothers contemplating surrendering their baby to adoption are often counseled not to chose a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem.

When a previously relinquished child goes into a reunion with their biological mother and discovers that she has subsequently had other children who she has kept and raised, this understandably raises issues in the adoptee’s mind.

Today, I read something from an adoptive mother about having been “found” by the biological mother of her adopted son. This mother has two other children she is parenting who are said to be too young to understand the dynamics and so is the adopted son. She is about him in the future and what he will think like “why didn’t she keep me?”

An adoptee answers – I think that “why didn’t she keep me” is the core question of all adoptees, even the ones that have not re-met their birth mother. The best you can do is be prepared for these feelings and questions. You’re already aware, so that’s a great step! You may need to invite him to speak about it by casual age appropriate conversations with him. Even if he doesn’t ask questions, he needs to know that it’s safe to. Support and understand as best as you can. I appreciate that you have his best interest in mind.

Another adoptee adds – I am certain the one thing all adoptees have in common is the question, “Why didn’t she keep me.” It’s “natural” for moms to keep their babies – so for us, it’s just one big question. Even when we are told the “why.”

A transracial adoptee confirms – ‘Why didn’t she keep me?’ is on adoptees’ minds throughout our lives.

One adult adopted as an infant says – we always ask hard questions – like why didn’t she keep me ? I had a completely closed adoption and I still ask this all the time.

blogger’s note – this is often in my own mind too. Though life is full of situations and circumstances that can throw any life expectations out of reach, it is understandable that any child that is surrendered will always wonder. Even when they know the honest answer.

No Such Thing As Normal

An adoptee shares –

My adoptive mom would always have me getting diagnosed with nearly everything in the DSM growing up all the time. I’ve since come to the conclusion there is no such thing as normal. The point is, my voice was never heard as a child and I was on a million different meds and diagnosed with a million different things. I wasn’t ever diagnosed with autism specifically, but my adoptive mom suggested it many times to my doctors, as she did everything else because something clearly must be “wrong” with me (yeah normal adoption trauma, but we can’t talk about Bruno).

All I’m saying is be careful how you paint that picture. I was always pissed that my adoptive mom kept saying there was something wrong with me. All I ever wanted was to be normal. As I’ve grown older, I definitely notice I’m more intelligent than a lot of people and I’m quirky, sure. But to be diagnosed with ADD, bipolar, depression, BPD, and everything else? If I can get diagnosed with 15 things and no doctors can agree what is “wrong” with me, then isn’t it all just BS anyway?

(blogger’s comment) I loved my mom dearly (she in now deceased). My dad said she was a hypochondriac. She also did tend to think things were wrong with us too. Each of us as her daughters had experiences directly caused by that. All I can say is I’m glad we survived them. There may be some truth that much of it had to do with her being adopted (that pesky primal wound), though I can’t know that for certain.

Learn to live with how you are. Give your child the tools to do that. That’s it. That’s life. I think very few people truly require medication. Everything else is just learning who you are and having the coping skills to handle it.

The responses shared above (except my own blogger’s comments) were offered due to a post about a “child diagnosed as autistic at the age of 2, who has made huge strides (cognitively, developmentally, emotionally, socially, etc), however does not know/understand her autism diagnosis.”

(another blogger’s comment) Though it may be that all of the males in my family are somewhat Asperger’s, we never wanted them to be permanently labeled with a diagnosis. The closest we came was having the boys professionally evaluated after being homeschooled for many years, to make certain we had not failed to give them a good foundation (we had not failed). The psychologist said, I wish more parents with children like yours had your attitude about it. We have encouraged their interests, given them support regarding those but allowed them to create their own paths. Now at 18 and almost 22, they are awesome human beings with definite strengths and a strong sense of their individual character. We have no regrets about the choices we made during their childhoods.

Concerned United Birthparents

A woman in my all things adoption group wrote – None of my family understands and it’s eating me up, I need to talk to someone. First thing, is there anyone in here that choose adoption, found an amazing family, went the whole pregnancy talking to them, growing a relationship, became friends but then changed your mind once you held your baby?

This actually happens more often than you might think.

One response was this – I did change my mind but I was so scared to hurt them. I ended up being talked out of keeping my son by my caseworker. PLEASE keep your baby if you have any regrets on adoption. You’ll never get over the loss of your own child but they can adopt and love ANY baby in the world.

Another adoptee also said – Please keep your baby. That feeling you feel is what you are supposed to feel. Adoptive parents are not entitled to your baby. That’s your baby. The bond you will build cannot be replicated. They will be sad but that is not your problem. Their sadness is not worth a lifetime of trauma for your baby.

One birth mother suggested – Birth Moms Support Groups. She notes that a few women who made the choice to parent have stayed in for the continued support. She says, “I wish I could have had a full scope on adoption before placement, instead of all the “happy successful birth mother” stories I was sent by the agency.”

So I went looking and found this organization – Concerned United Birthparents – that titles, and is the graphic, for this blog. Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) provides support for all family members separated by adoption; resources to help prevent unnecessary family separations; education about the life-long impact on all who are affected by adoption; and advocates for fair and ethical adoption laws, policies, and practices. They are the only national organization focused on birthparents – their experiences, healing and wisdom. They list support groups – both online and in various cities. They do charge $45 for an annual membership. They note that they are an all-volunteer organization that operates almost entirely at cost through our membership dues.

Inclusive Adoption Narrative ?

Short on time today, I googled Christmas Adoptions and found this LINK>5 Holiday and Christmas Movies About Adoption at Adoptions with Love. No personal comments or perspectives today – again no time. Just bringing in the website description.

#2 – The Family Stone

Everett Stone – one of five adult children – brings his girlfriend, Meredith, home to meet the family for Christmas. Nervous and desperate to make a good first impression, Meredith fails to make a positive mark on the family.

One night, around the family table, the uncomfortable vibe in the room comes to a head, when Meredith asks Everett’s brother, Thad, about his forthcoming adoption with boyfriend, Patrick. She asks whether they believe in “nature vs. nurture” in regard to raising a child in a gay household. Questioning herself, Meredith suggests theories that homosexuality may be influenced by one’s home environment. The family works to lighten the conversation and joke that the matriarch, Sybil, had hoped that all three of her sons would grow up to be gay. Meredith questions this statement, suggesting that no parent would really “want that” for their child. Her comments offend Thad and Patrick, and enrage Sybil and family patriarch, Kelly. Sybil and Kelly shout at Meredith, and she runs off from the table feeling awful.

There are many important lessons within this scene. Once Meredith leaves the room, Sybil reminds her son, Thad, how deeply and completely she loves him. Sybil and Kelly are proud of their son. They support his same-sex relationship and are happy to see their child moving toward parenthood and toward the loving choice of adoption.

Meredith did not mean to offend or hurt anyone in the family. She was simply uneducated. She did not understand why her comments were hurtful and how off-base she was in sharing them. This is an important lesson in “listen and learn” when it comes to supporting LGBTQ+ families.

Before the film ends, Thad and Patrick return to Kelly’s house with their adopted child in tow. At the uncomfortable dinner scene, Thad and Patrick are asked whether they have a preference of the race of the child – since they are an interracial couple. They simply answer that they do not care one way or the other. They will love the child no matter the skin color. When the couple arrives with their baby, we see that he is black. This is a great example of a happy and loving transracial adoptive family.

Ancestral Reverence

It is the final Dia de los Muertos and my thoughts are on my ancestors. The image comes from LINK> Christiane Pelmas site for Women’s Ancestral Reverence Group – Weaving Our Radical Roots In These Darkening Times. It is an Autumnal Equinox Kiva. I have scattered roots of American, Mexican and Native experiences in my life having been born in Las Cruces New Mexico and growing up in El Paso Texas. My family often vacationed on the Mescalero Apache Indian Reservation campgrounds in Ruidoso New Mexico. Once my sons, husband and I spent Christmas Eve at the Acoma Sky City Pueblo.

My ancestors include my deceased parents, their original parents and their adoptive parents. Therefore, I have 8 grandparents instead of the usual 4. The original grandparents are people I never knew but that I now know had lives – information that was kept from me until after my parents deaths. I like Christiane’s site because when adoption is part of one’s core self there is trauma. It can’t be helped but it can be healed. I believe much of what I have been doing since I set off on my genetic roots journey in the Autumn of 2017 has been to heal the broken threads.

So for today, I will share some excerpts from Christiane’s site. I would add that I am aware that many people have uncomfortable relationships with one or more of the members of their family. She writes – “Nearly all human cultures (with the exception of western industrial, capitalist culture) practice complex rituals designed to foster on-going intimacy with, and healing of, their ancestral lineages (deceased relations of our blood lines). In western industrialized culture (and increasingly around the world, as Patriarchy colonizes more, and more, of the globe) we suffer from a devastating orphaning.”

Christiane writes of 3 intentions for practicing Ancestral Healing –

[1] to make connections with people of our blood and bone; those ancestral relatives who are vibrantly well and eager to provide us with their support, love and guidance as we journey through our lives. And in the case of my adoptive grandparents, I will add the people of my heart.

[2] to heal the significant trauma burdens woven deeply into most human lineages today; trauma burdens caused by endless war, poverty, social and economic injustice, environmental devastation and the diaspora it causes, racism, sexism and all forms of intolerance and violence toward the multiplicity and diversity of Life’s expressions. So much pain. In this healing process, the brilliance and medicine of each lineage is excavated and brought forward into its present-day expression, which is my very life, the life of my daughter and the lives of my grandchildren. We all live because they lived.

[3] to do the intimate ancestral healing work necessary – so that we are capable of turning our attention to the tremendous harm we continue to cause the ability of the Earth to sustain us all. I remember within my online social networking community there was developed what was called the Gaia Minute. A daily communion with the Earth (I often did mine in the darkness at night under the stars). From that practice I came to see the Earth as my deepest core mother. Not to leave the Sun out, I acknowledge the father energy that sparks all life with existence.

In my Science of Mind magazine Daily Guide for today written by the Rev Dr Dennis Merritt Jones, he shares this affirmation – “Everywhere I go, I see only the sacred presence of the Beloved One clothing itself in a multitude of divine disguises.” He also writes that Ernest Holmes dined with a vase of weeds on his table. A reminder that the only difference between a weed and a rose was the value we place on one over the other. Through a long reckoning in my own heart, I am balancing my genetic grandparents with those who adopted my parents.

Feeling Like Damaged Goods

It’s a problem I feel compassion for – from a woman who aged out of foster care . . .

I never was adopted. I almost was and then, my dad got custody. Then, I went back into foster care from the age of 13 until I turned 18. When you’re a teen in foster care, everyone knows no one wants you because you’re too old. It sucks. Like you’re just damaged goods.

Advice to hopeful adoptive parents – Maybe use your desire to reach out and get to know and/or adopt a teen.

I will say from personal experience, it’s not easy. Because for me – I was damaged goods. But I still deserved to know I had worth and was loved. Teenagers also can make choices regarding adoption and name change vs younger kids who can’t. So if you’re wanting to adopt to “be the change”, and not just because you want a baby to cuddle, then actually make real contribution to change. Help someone in foster care who is likely to turn 18 while still in the state’s care. When they look at their future, there seems to be no one there who cares.