Kept Sibling Issues

An adoptive mother shares – My adopted daughter recently found her biological mom and 3 half and kept biological siblings. The mom and my daughter are overjoyed, the siblings not so much. They saw their mom at her worst addicted stages, yet were not taken because they were over and or just at age 18 when new baby (my daughter) was taken by Child Protective Services. They are now in their 30s, my daughter is 16. Bio mom is recovered and is loving and thrilled my daughter is in contact. The siblings who live with or near bio mom are not happy my daughter is now in their life. They are sad she has traveled and been to Disney, is licensed and has a car to use (they have none of that), and they can’t believe she is looking at college. Mine is upset that they got to live with their mom, have pictures all over the walls, etc. They reply their lives resembled Shameless and now my daughter has the mom who is involved, loving and sober. Her biological mom and my daughter want lots of contact but the rift with the siblings seems to grow. There is a birthday party for the biological grandma next weekend and I’m starting to wonder if she should attend, though there is no question both her mom and she want to be there. I don’t want to cause anyone more hurt or problems, though I am very happy my daughter and her biological mom have found each other. Thoughts?

One person writes – I understand that the siblings are in enormous amount of pain because of their lost childhood and trauma, so maybe they need time to process it. The siblings probably don’t hate their sibling but are bitter about their own situation and things they had to go through. But also, they should understand that the daughter is also a part of the family, and the daughter has every right to choose whether she wants to attend the birthday party or not, independent from anyone else’s opinions. And that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side either. I couldn’t imagine being bitter at my siblings because they got fostered to safety.

An adoptee suggests – Her siblings and biological mom need their own therapy together to work through their issues. Your daughter didn’t ask for any of this, so she should not be taking any blame or punishment for her siblings feelings. That is between them and the biological mom. Your daughter should take the lead and go to the party, if she wants to!

A Mother of Loss says – You let her take the lead. This is her family. She gets to make the decisions. Be there for her. The siblings will adjust, and if they don’t – so what.

Another adoptive mother advises – I completely understand where you are coming from and you can discuss your worries but kindly, these aren’t your relationships. You aren’t causing hurts nor navigating these situations and you need to not micromanage what is going on. Your daughter needs to figure out how to make these work or not – you be a shoulder and a sounding board.

From another adoptee – about kept sibling resentment – her siblings will either get over it or they won’t. There’s enough of an age gap there that it probably won’t make much of a difference to your daughter at all to be honest. The main relationship is going to be with her mother anyway. If she wants to go to the party, she should go. If she feels uncomfortable or if she is concerned for her safety should she attend, maybe she can go with her mother and see her grandmother for her birthday at another time. Note that I stressed HER concerns. She’s 16. By all means, be friendly with her mother. But this is her relationship, not yours. She gets to decide how it goes.

It Often Is About The Money

A kinship adoptee shares – I met a lady the other day who mentioned she was a foster parent. I asked her why she decided to become a foster parent (it’s something I’ve always wanted to do) and she said – because her mother-in-law it and told her California is giving bonuses right now as an incentive for people to do it. That was it, she didn’t give any other singular reason… like wanting to help a child?? So. mostly this is a rant because I was shocked that someone would just openly admit this – like it was totally okay, but also.. what would you say to her ? I was at work, so I would have to keep it professional, therefore I just didn’t say anything. I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t get me a write up, at the very least. Any suggestions for the future ? I could see myself being in this situation again.

On woman, a former foster parent herself, replied – So, money means more than the best interest of a child ? This breaks my heart. One of my best friend is a foster parent. I am learning from her. I wanted to do it because of my own childhood. I had no one. Not a single person. These are REAL humans. My friend went through a brutal previous foster situation. She had to testify on her own defense after they made false statements. Currently, she has one child in her care. She will take a small break from teens because of how much she has gone through this year. I see how hard it is.

There seems to be a consensus that – if you’re making money being a foster parent, you aren’t doing it right. Which matches what I know about it and what the abuses I am aware of have involved. Someone said – at least she’s honest? Hundreds of foster care homes out here are lying and saying it’s for the kids, but keep their homes maxed out and never buy the kids anything. The foster parents retain most of the money. A former foster care child added – As sad as it is, as long as she doesn’t abuse them, that’s still a bit of a win. A lot of people take in kids just to abuse them.

One transracial adoptee notes – Why do you assume the children are NOT being abused ? Even ignoring the fact that foster youth and adoptees are statistically more likely to be abused, this is a person who *in their own words* is only in it for the money. That’s exactly the type of person who is MORE dangerous. Their concern isn’t the child, it’s the paycheck.

One foster parent shares – my bank account is suffering but the kids are happy ! That’s what matters to us. That’s what all kids do to your bank account. They’re expensive ! They need to see how the world works and have life experiences. So many of these kids haven’t even been out to eat ! How are they supposed to know what to strive for and how to order off a menu ? We do not have our own biological, genetic children, but the foster kids in our care – go on vacation, baseball games, eat out, get Halloween costumes, they’ve been to Hawaii with us and theme parks, they get nice clothes like everybody else. I’m not saying this for any praise or acknowledgement, but so that maybe somebody who is clueless, could see how it should be. I could list a million things but it’s silly because it’s not special, it’s just caring for a child, that we’re caring for, that lives in our home.

Someone else confirms – same. I’ve had to go into my savings account more than once for the children in my care.

Yet another person says – Firstly, most foster parents are worried about that check, abusive or not. There’s probably even foster parents who really care about the kids from the bottom of their hearts but live for that check and wouldn’t be a foster parent without it. Secondly, I’m not assuming they won’t be abused by that foster parent. If she’s made it clear she views housing random kids as something that’s transactional, that is better than those intentionally abusive fosters homes who up the “kind and loving” front but go out of their way to be monsters behind closed doors. If people create a false persona of being genuinely good, then it’s harder for any allegations against them to hold weight, which is why its a common tactic for many abusive foster parents. In today’s story, that specific foster parent put all her cards on the table, indicating what kind of person/foster parent she is. There are many foster homes, where the foster parents don’t care what the kids do – as long as they don’t cause too many problems. That is still bad, but it’s a lot better than some of the worst forms of abuse, which are all too common in foster homes. I’m not saying its right but sometimes there’s lesser evils even with a shit situation and that’s just the reality of it

They Need To Be Children First

We have an unusual situation in that we all sleep in one big room on two king size platform type beds. I used to make our little futon bed every morning until my oldest son was born but then after he got old enough, he would mess it up shortly thereafter and I just stopped. We are pretty lax about such things here. If I can not tolerate whatever, I do something about it. If anyone else can’t tolerate something about it, if they are so motivated, they are welcome to do something about it. Live and let live.

I liked this advice from one woman in my all things adoption group in response to some issues that a woman posted about with a 16 year old foster girl added to their home recently. They are trying to have some expectations for doing a few chores and regarding cell phone usage. The respondent described herself as being kinship/having custody. She added, I also work in, what was it you said ? “the alternative to a foster home”!! I work in a group home! You know what we don’t do in the group home that it seems every single foster parent does with these kids?? We don’t compare them to one another and we don’t treat them like property!! This girl is 16 years old!! She doesn’t need a freaking chore list or to have her phone taken because she won’t make her bed!! We have kids in the home who are more than capable of doing chores!!! I still make their beds and pick up after them, because when it comes down to it they need to be children first.

My own attitude comes from being in my late 60s, I suppose. My sons have decades to be responsible adults. Their childhoods are so very brief. I delight as I see them self-choosing to take mature responsibility. I’ve no worries about them when we are gone from their lives someday – either by passing away or their own decision to strike out on their own. The kids will be all right.

Feeling Like Damaged Goods

It’s a problem I feel compassion for – from a woman who aged out of foster care . . .

I never was adopted. I almost was and then, my dad got custody. Then, I went back into foster care from the age of 13 until I turned 18. When you’re a teen in foster care, everyone knows no one wants you because you’re too old. It sucks. Like you’re just damaged goods.

Advice to hopeful adoptive parents – Maybe use your desire to reach out and get to know and/or adopt a teen.

I will say from personal experience, it’s not easy. Because for me – I was damaged goods. But I still deserved to know I had worth and was loved. Teenagers also can make choices regarding adoption and name change vs younger kids who can’t. So if you’re wanting to adopt to “be the change”, and not just because you want a baby to cuddle, then actually make real contribution to change. Help someone in foster care who is likely to turn 18 while still in the state’s care. When they look at their future, there seems to be no one there who cares.

National Adoption Month and Teens

It’s that time of year again. Yes, November. National Adoption Awareness Month.

From Child Welfare dot gov – National Adoption Month is an initiative of the Children’s Bureau that seeks to increase national awareness of adoption issues, bring attention to the need for adoptive families for teens in the US foster care system, and emphasize the value of youth engagement. We have focused our efforts on adoption for teens because we know that teens in foster care wait longer for permanency and are at higher risk of aging out than younger children. Teens need love, support, and a sense of belonging that families can provide. Securing lifelong connections for these teens, both legally and emotionally, is a critical component in determining their future achievement, health, and well-being.

This year’s National Adoption Month theme is “Conversations Matter.” Incorporating youth engagement into daily child welfare practice can start with a simple conversation. Listen to what the young person has to say, what their goals are, and how they feel about adoption. Create an environment where they can be honest and ask questions. Youth are the experts of their own lives, so let them partner with you in permanency planning and make decisions about their life.

In 2019, there were over 122,000 children and youth in foster care waiting to be adopted who are at risk of aging out without a permanent family connection. Approximately one in five children in the U.S. foster care system waiting to be adopted are teens. Teens, ages 15-18, wait significantly longer for permanency when compared to their peers. Only 5% of all children adopted in 2019 were 15-18 years old. There is a high risk of homelessness and human trafficking for teenagers who age out of foster care.

More statistics from 2019 (the most recent year data is available) – of the 122,000 children and youth waiting to be adopted: 52% are male, 48% are female, 22% are African American, 22% are Hispanic, 44% are white, while the average age is 8 years old – 11 percent are between 15 and 18 years old.

The History of National Adoption Month –

In 1976, Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis announced an Adoption Week to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in foster care.

In 1984, President Reagan proclaimed the first National Adoption Week. In 1995, President Clinton expanded the awareness week to the entire month of November.

2nd Chance Adoption

Dax is a 16-year-old who has experienced the heartbreak faced by far too many youth in the foster care system. Seven years after being adopted, this teen was told it wasn’t going to work out when Dax came out as LGBTQ. He says, the adoptive parents stopped loving him anymore because of who he is.

He thinks that maybe he needs a same-sex couple or at least someone who is understanding about his sexual identification.

He has been featured on a News segment in Oklahoma.

In a Patheos piece, I read –

A family adopts a 9 yr old child, cares for them 7 years and then kicks them out because they are LGBTQ. They ask “Who does that ? What is wrong with people ?

And I get it. My sons live a rather isolated life at the moment due to where we live in sparsely populated rural forested land and because they have received all of their education at home. One of my sons may eventually “come out”. There is more than one person in my husband’s family who has such a sexual identification.

The news segment doesn’t tell us anything about Dax’s former family or whether religion came into their decision.

However, a couple of nights after the segment aired, a woman wrote the station via Facebook.

“We are a LGBTQ+ supportive DHS approved foster/adoptive home. We are open for teen placement. WE HAVE CHICKENS !! (Dax has raised and loves chickens).

The News channel has put her in contact with the child’s case worker, so there may be a happy ending to this story.

I got some of this information from The Friendly Atheist at Patheos, Hemant Mehta author.

“She Said – She Said” Stress

An adoptee reunion is tough enough without family making things harder. Today’s story –

My daughter will be 18 on March 11th. My aunt adopted her. She had the money and a judge sided with her for custody.

My aunt told her bad things about me. That I was a drug addict for 10 years (became sober in 2014).

The aunt has not allowed me any space in my daughter’s life. But at age 18, she is mature enough to make her own decision about contact with me.

I know my daughter has had some mental health issues. I don’t want to make things worse for her but I do want to reconnect now that I can.

How do I do this well ?

So, there comes this advice from a woman who just finished a clinical rotation at a women’s recovery center and worked on this topic a lot! It was recommended to many of them to have these types of conversations with a family therapist as a 3rd party if possible, or have the child/adolescent have at least a session or so with one following the information. This can help alleviate some of that “she said – she said” type of stress from the conversation. A professional has the empathetic perspective to guide regarding the right things to say.

I understand having a professional can be financially difficult and complicated by COVID. Many therapists are doing TeleHealth appointments now. Please know that there are a lot more affordable options than there previously have been!

If that’s not something that’s possible – just remember that this is confusing for her, and to be gentle with the approach. She will likely be able to tell if anything doesn’t feel genuine because she’ll likely be on high alert in her nervous system expecting a difficult conversation. Be careful not just drag your emotional feelings about your aunt’s behavior into your conversations (I know that will be difficult but it is important). Come from a place of love, positivity, and most importantly, showing her respect will go a long way.

Congratulations on your sobriety, that’s a HUGE accomplishment and I truly hope you’re proud of yourself. Best of luck! Your daughter is lucky to have you!

Someone else had similar advice – I suggest you find a therapist with experience working with adopted teens. Your story has many layers and you may find working with a therapist will help guide you through the coming years. It’s hard to walk the path of reunion alone or alongside others who are struggling. A therapist is trained to guide your journey.

From another adoptee’s own experience – I was back in contact at 17 (almost 18) with my mama. Very much like it has been for your daughter, I was told horrible things about her growing up, some were true, some were not. She was a drug addict as well. When we first met, she wanted to clear her name. She really laid it on thick – how this and that wasn’t true, and this excuse and that excuse. The entire time, this made me very uncomfortable and nervous. I remember just feeling like she was talking to me – not with me. What I wanted was for her apologize, to tell me she loved me, to ask about me, to show interest in me… the main thing I wanted was just to be near her, and feel important to her. My advice, from my adoptee point of view is – just apologize, go by her lead, answer questions honestly but don’t put too much on her at one time. Don’t play the victim card (even if you truly are). Everything doesn’t have to happen in one day. It takes time for separated person to regain trust in one another and build a new relationship. Go slow. Adoptees want the truth but it is also true that we cannot always handle all the weight of the truth at one time… Good luck Mama, you already are taking a great first step in reaching out for guidance, before going forward.

Another woman amplified this message – your actions will show who you are over time to her as she grows a relationship with you. Give her baby steps and gentle love – without a ton of defending yourself, or defaming auntie. You can only prove yourself with time and character!! Invest in her and listen to her. You got this, momma.

Teen Mom

Many natural mothers who give up their babies had very inadequate counseling, they are pressured and coerced. They never feel any worth related to motherhood. They have difficulty experiencing that their child is “real”. She has no opportunity or encouragement to mourn her loss.

Most of these mothers are in some stage of unresolved grief their entire life. A mother who has surrendered her child cannot undo what has happened.

If a reunion occurs, it brings with it the realization that the mother can never recover those lost years.

Breaking the silence of a secret pregnancy or surrender, means that the wounds have to be opened for everyone. This is healthy in the long run – secrets are one of the most debilitating aspects of any person’s life.

It is a DOUBLE LOSS when the pregnancy also brings an end to the relationship between the original couple – mother and father.

The source for these perspectives come from the book – The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier and resonated with me from personal observation in my own family.