Many Years Later

Today’s story – In 2003, we gave birth to a baby girl that we ultimately gave up for adoption. We were just beginning our relationship (not even really a couple at the time) and in the middle of a hardcore party stage (drugs & alcohol). Adoption was somewhat forced; I could’ve gotten help, but I knew deep down in my heart that we could not give the child a healthy/better life, so adoption was the final decision.

It was a closed adoption, but communication was able to be done through the Attorney. That went well for the first few years…and then nothing. Even the Attorney lost contact with the Adoptive parents and my heart was crushed – did something happen to them? Would I ever have contact again? Would I get another picture to be able to at least see her grow up? I’ve always kept my social media wide open, with my maiden name, in the event she ever wanted to find us. I would go down the proverbial rabbit hole and try to find them – I knew her first/middle name, her mom’s name and the state they lived in.

Fast forward to September 10th 2024: ND and I are married and have been together for 26 years now. The morning of the 10th, I got a text: “Hey xxxx, my name is xxxx. I messaged you on Messenger last week, but I don’t know if you have messenger or not. I was reaching out because I am trying to find my birthparents and I didn’t know if it was you or not, but if it’s you I am hoping to maybe reconnect” MY HEART DROPPED and I bawled my eyes out! She is now married and has a SON!

She (baby girl) texts me, my husband and our kids pretty much every day. She answers any of my questions and I answer hers, honestly. She is coming to our state to visit us next month (with her mom)!! I am nervous/scared and happy/excited all at once! So, here’s where I need help: what advice do you have for the reunification meeting? Do I avoid asking the mom what happened, why communication stopped, or do I avoid that? I don’t know how I feel about the mom coming along with her; it makes her more comfortable, which is absolutely fine, but idk how to feel about the mom coming to the outings and such. I am so excited and feel incredibly blessed that she had the courage to reach out!!

Can’t Stop The Connection

An adoptive parent shares that one year, for Christmas, they did DNA through Ancestry.com to “see how unique” their family is. Hard to believe that it never occurred the them that their adopted son would use the online tool to find his genetic family.

That was a year and a half ago, when he was barely 16 years old. When they learned about it, they asked him to discontinue contact with his birth parents and to wait until he was 18. They indicated that, at that point, they would be fully supportive of him.

However, he didn’t stop talking to his birth father through texts and has shared some personal information that they were not aware of regarding his marijuana use, which is legal in their state after the age of 21. He indicated it helped him with his mental health issues.

The adoptive parents texted the birth parents asking them to stop contacting their son until he turned 18. Their perspective is that the kinds of people who place their children for adoption are not in good circumstances (whatever they think that means). They believed that what they were doing was protecting their son from whatever they believe about the birth parents.

However, that did not stop the adopted son’s birth father from being in contact with him. This makes them feel disrespected by both their 17-1/2 year old son and his birth father. They are turning to a family counselor for assistance.

A thought . . . from an adoptee – he will resent his adoptive parents for keeping his birth parents from him. My adoptive parents also declined my mom reaching out to me before I was 18 and I can only imagine how my life would have been so different knowing her and my sisters most of my life.

Someone else notices the dis-connect – They deliberately gifted their adopted child a DNA test and access to Ancestry.com and they’re completely blindsided by the fact that he found biological relatives during this process??? I’m utterly boggled.

You Can Go Slow

Today’s story/question –

I just learned in the past couple months that I have an older sibling that was placed for adoption a decade before I was born. My mom was assaulted as a teenager and decided on adoption. My sibling reached out to our mom earlier this year and they have been in touch since. I’ve recently started emailing them as well and we are all planning to meet in person at the end of the summer.

My heart breaks for my mom going through an assault and loss of her child, my older sibling, and selfishly for myself that I missed out on having an older sibling all of these years.

I am curious if anyone who has gone through a reunion 40+ years after an adoption and specifically a sibling reunion has any recommendations on how to proceed. I want to treat carefully as I realize this experience is likely extremely emotional for my mom and sibling.

Blogger’s note – because both of my parents were adoptees, who died knowing next to nothing about their origins, I have been (in effect) on my own kind of “reunion” journey, as I was able to learn who my original grandparents were, with genetic cousins and one aunt.

I found this response useful –

I reunited with my siblings before my biological parents, my brother specifically who was kept by my biological mom and my biological sister through my biological dad who was also adopted out. Just go slow and don’t force it. I talk to my brother through text on holidays but I talk to my sister all the time. She become a friend and an actual sibling. And I’m 32 and this happened recently. Just don’t push and find small things to connect on. My sister and I both connect over our left leaning politics.

Fears Related To Reunions

It is understandable really. There is the gulf between you, the elapsed time living different lives and yet, you are unmistakably and without a doubt springing from the same DNA tree – and that matters. Yet, I see so often the fears. Stories today as examples which reflect typical experiences.

From a birth mother – I finally met my son! He contacted me on Mother’s Day and said he wanted to meet. He just turned 19. We met last Sunday and it went well. He said he wanted to plan another visit soon. I know after meeting it can be overwhelming for an adoptee. It has been very overwhelming for me. To be honest, I’m a mess. I can barely function. He is already pulling away, maybe, I think. He just kind of stopped replying to texts. He is bad at texting anyway – according to him. I am trying to give him space. But I have also heard adoptees say they don’t like feeling like they have to do all the work in the relationship. I did text him last but it was one that didn’t necessarily need a reply. Would sending a “thinking of you” text be too much, if you are overwhelmed? I don’t know if he is or not. I’m in the dark trying to navigate this.

From an adoptee – I’m 20 and JUST started texting my biological mom the day after Mother’s Day as well, I’m not ready to meet her and I’m not ready to text her all the time. Getting those thinking of you messages really are nice though because I get in my head and can’t text because it’s overwhelming. I also have a lot of fear that she is also pulling back – so knowing she is thinking would help. I encourage you to tell him exactly what you are thinking. We are adults now and I personally want her to speak to me as an adult and not as the child she lost!

From another adoptee – I would love for my birth mother to contact me more often. She never just contacts me. It’s always me emailing her, and she does reply to some of my emails. If I were in your shoes, I would send him another text message and perhaps mention that you don’t want to bother him with too many text messages, but you’ve just been so happy to have met him. Be ready to answer questions and even ask if he has any.

And yet another adoptee – My first mom knows I have issues with texting her back when I’m dealing with stress AT all. She texts me every once and a while and says she loves me or says she is thinking of me but never expects a response. Mother’s Day wasn’t that long ago, and it’s the first time y’all met? Give him some time to adjust. He’s probably processing it all – just like you are. I don’t think it would be invasive to send a text that shows you are thinking of him and he is in your heart and mind. I know that always makes me feel happy, even when I cannot reply.

This from an adoptee in reunion as an adult – At that age I would have just put up walls, and stayed quiet, if things started to feel overwhelming. I didn’t know why I felt how I did, most of the time. Every one is different though. If you haven’t already, consider reading The Body Keeps The Score. You have probably seen this book recommended before. It may be helpful in understanding your behavior/feelings/reactions and possibly his.

From experience – It took my mom and I years just be comfortable enough to have the conversation of – “I wish you’d call me more often.” I am sure he is hesitant because he does not want you to walk away again and he is likely dealing with guilt over loyalty to his adoptive parents – even if they are supportive. The guilt just comes with the fear of rejection that every adoptee lives with. Take it slow. If you don’t hear from him for awhile – it’s ok to text him. I would have loved for my mom to be more active in communicating. She said she didn’t feel she had the right and she didn’t want to scare me away.

And this is a good perspective as well –

Now you begin the slow process of fiquring it all out, what works for you together.. so you can definitely acknowledge what you want- “I’m so thrilled to be able to check in” and what you fear- “but I don’t want to overwhelm you or add any stress. I know this is really a lot to deal with.” And “If you want, you can totally tell me to just chill and I’ll totally understand! It’s totally normally to need a break.” It’s like building the framework of a space where you are able to accept the full range of his experiences, centered on his needs. It is important to make certain he knows that space is being held and that you are inviting him to help shape it.