PTSD Nightmares

I read a woman’s story today. She was adopted from Bulgaria in the 1990s. I won’t share all of what she wrote but much of it is typical for many adoptees regardless. She writes that she is beyond grateful & blessed to be where she is now. Her husband was able to find her birth mother and sister as a Mother’s Day gift 7-1/2 years ago but her birth mother wants no contact with her. Her husband suggested seeing if the orphanage she was at was still around.

Like my own adoptee mother, she wants to learn more about some health issues she has been having. She notes – Like my own adoptee mother, she wants to learn more about some health issues she has been having. I understand. It was the same in my family.

What really touched my heart was when she wrote – I blocked everything from the orphanage out. After our stillbirth, everything from the orphanage has been coming back in full force to where I get these horrible flashback nightmares. Sometimes the nightmares gets so bad to where I injure myself. Finally was put on PTSD medication and it’s been a huge help with my nightmares. Still get them but not as intense and scary. I finally found a counselor that I go to that helps with the adoptee’s trauma. I couldn’t have been any happier to finally have a counselor that can help me process find was to cope and heal from the emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

Reading her story had me do a deep dive into Bulgarian orphanages (I was aware of similar issues in Romania from long ago). I’ll spare you most of the details.

One response was this – We adopted 2 children from Bulgaria 6 years ago. I would say try and send the letter. But expect nothing in return. Honestly your mother probably has little to no medical information to give you. In Bulgaria, our experience is that unless you have money – care and knowledge is extremely limited. We were not told a great deal about the children that we adopted. They hid how violent our son was and he was only 7 when we adopted him. Our adoption was extremely difficult because of all that they hid.

Another adoptee shared this and offered some resources – having no health history is like never ending Russian Roulette. It’s typical for adoptees to have their early life trauma resurface in connection to pregnancy & loss. I hope your counsellor is adoption trauma competent & can help you begin to process the connections. I recommend looking up Pete Walker’s book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. You might also find Gabor Maté’s trauma videos on YouTube, useful. As a result of your loss, what you are experiencing is called ‘coming out of the fog’ & it’s fierce. There’s a fantastic blog by adoptee Gilli Bruce about leaving the adoption fog, that is worth looking up to explain it. Finally, read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

I learned that Bulgaria has been criticized for having one of the highest numbers of children in state institutional care in the European Union. Growing up in an orphanage isn’t easy. No happy circumstances lead to kids living there. These difficult circumstances and the fact that children don’t have access to the best resources for their development can cause issues. These appallingly treated children are a legacy of Bulgaria’s communist past, when families were torn apart for the greater good of the state. Some boarding houses were established just to cater for those born out of wedlock.

Modern Cultural Reality

Today’s question – has been adopted by a male same sex couple and how that affects the dynamic/experience for you and your journey. I am a birth mother and was very young and unaware of the complexities of adoption, we were suppose to have an open adoption but I never see or have a relationship with my child and there’s always some excuse as to why they’re too busy or have to post pone. Since the adoptive parents are a same sex couple, the situation has always felt very glorified and natural, since they clearly can’t have kids entirely on their own. The adoption has always felt like a surrogacy but as I’m getting older and learning – I have a strong spiritual desire to connect with my child for their own biological security, sense of self and development – not to over step or try to insert myself as a parental figure. When trying to contact the adoptive parents, I feel like I’m being “extra” or unnecessary. I would like some insight from your own experience and maybe some suggestions, if there’s anything on your heart that feels like beneficial information here. I don’t have a confident discussion prepared and fear if we get to the place to have the conversation, they may invalidate my feelings and I may buckle to preserve the peace. So, I just want to have a strong knowing of what to bring up and a realistic outcome in mind, so I can communicate effectively. I’ve listened to The Primal Wound narrated by an adoptee and that’s what really put things into perspective for me.

One person suggested – I find most LGBT folks more willing to learn new things. You would know best here, of course. But what do you think about maybe trying to meet/talk to the adults only for a bit ? It’s not right, but perhaps getting them to understand the depth of the damage they are perpetrating would help. If they’re not open to that, do you think they’d be open to you sharing some literature with them ? Maybe send a letter explaining where you’re coming from, how you’ve done some research over the years, and here’s a book you think they should read ? It’s a lot of work on your part, and I’m sorry for that. But if they’re decent people, they’d at least read whatever you send them.

Understanding A Controversy

~ from Mind Tools – Improving Solutions by Arguing For and Against Your Options

To be honest, I wasn’t aware that there was a controversy . . .

He writes – as far as I know, adoptees are primarily upset with Nancy Verrier over the fact that she made money by writing LINK>The Primal Wound. (The train of thought being adoptees own their stories and it should be our place to tell them, not the adopters.) I totally understand that train of thought but am somewhat confused why this adversarial relationship between adoptees and Verrier doesn’t extend to her successors like LINK>Lori Holden, who often doesn’t even bother attempting to center adoptees in their work and deliberately try to obfuscate the idea that adoption is traumatic for adoptees.

Blogger’s note – I am aware of and have read content from both. Since I wasn’t aware that there was a controversy, I am intrigued.

He asks – Is there something else I’m missing here, or is Verrier generally enemy no. 1 moreso than others due to the fact that her work is much more often recommended by adoptees? I also know there was some drama that went on surrounding the LINK>Reckoning With The Primal Wound documentary.

One woman writes – I always recommend ‘Journey of the Adopted Self’ (Betty Jean Lifton’s book) FIRST, it then helps validate Verrier’s findings. One adoptee responds – I honestly feel like Journey of the Adopted Self saved my life. It was big in me coming out of the “fog” and helped me to understand so many big emotions I’d had for my entire life. When the first woman was asked – would this be your primary recommendation for the support persons (parents, therapists, teachers, etc) as well as adoptees? She responds – yes, it is the first book, along with ‘The Girls Who Went Away,’ that I always recommend reading first. I have read a ton of adoption related books, some good, some meh, and some bad. Another book that I think EVERYONE should read is ‘The Child Catchers,’ for a bird’s eye view into the criminal trafficking indu$try that “adoption” truly is!

Blogger’s note – but I still don’t understand – is there a controversy or not ?

Finally an explanation from an adoptee’s perspective – IMHO, as an adopted person, the disapproval of Verrier is not so much because she is an adoptive “parent”, but rather because her book has been so highly publicized and recommended, although she has little awareness of the fact that the adopted person is an actual person, whether child or adult. Her views have been slammed, as well, because of the manner in which she has objectified her own purchased child, who quite rightly has taken exception to being used for her “mother’s” own self aggrandizing efforts. When people are advised to perceive this author as some sort of “expert” in the understanding of the complex adoption experience, who has so little awareness of the actual lived reality of the person who has been purchased, this frequently and quite rightly is seen with quite a bit of justified skepticism.

Another adoptee points out – I feel like Verrier speaks a lot of the general theoretical adopted “child” when drawing from the experiences of her adopted child and her therapeutic clients. I don’t see her as an “expert”. Adoptees are the #1 expert of the adoptee experience imo. Verrier’s theory is also often treated as scientific “fact”, but it wasn’t a scientific study at all. That being said, I believe in adoption trauma. I can appreciate that the message Nancy Verrier was putting out there was pretty “radical” to many adoptive parents, although adoptees had already been saying similar things for a long time prior. Parts of The Primal Wound resonated with me, and I know it’s an important text for a lot of adoptees. But I think 30+ years on we can start referring to other texts when recommending adoption related media to people.

Another notes – All I would add is that, in 1993, this is the book that the publishers were willing to print. That’s what it comes down to. We’ll never know how many (if any) adoptee authors pitched books and were turned down. The Primal Wound is the one that made it through, so that’s the one we got.

Claiming Ignorance

Is your adopted child 20 years old? Because if they are not, then you have no damn excuse for not “knowing”. You screwed up, not anyone else that didn’t “tell you” about adoption trauma.

It’s disheartening and disgraceful to hear that so many adoptive parents still claim ignorance about the potential trauma and negative aspects of adoption for the child when they adopted. We need to acknowledge that this information has been available for well over a decade.

In fact, twenty years ago, the book “The Primal Wound” shed light on the emotional challenges faced by adoptees. It highlighted the deep-rooted impact of separation from birth parents and the lifelong journey of healing and identity formation. Since then, numerous studies, research papers, and personal narratives have further contributed to our understanding.

So what is your excuse?

You didn’t dig deep enough?

No one told you?

You assumed?

None of that matters, because when you are seeking to bring another human into your home and you are strangers and that human is losing their entire family, you should have KNOWN! I don’t care what year it was. It’s logical. That should have been an automatic red flag that “hey, this could be hard for this child, maybe I better research more”.

That’s what a selfish desire does, it suppresses the reality.

The ones that don’t own that need to rethink that stance. You screwed up. Before you take that personally and share how you are the exception, really think about it. Did you do the work before you adopted? Or did you just take the word of others because you wanted what you wanted.

The above are thoughts posted in my all things adoption group. Thinking about ignorance – I went looking and found this – LINK>What It Means to Claim Your Ignorance (there is much more at the link). A couple of excerpts . . .

Ignorance without a desire to do something about it is avoidance. We simply do not know everything, nor can we expect to. Maybe we never learned, or we were exposed to only one part of a larger ecosystem.

I am willing to claim my ignorance because it opens me to learning what I don’t know. I am willing to claim my ignorance because it helps me open my ears and my heart for deeper listening. It opens the door for those (adult adoptees) who have experience and expertise to share what they have to contribute.

Really Missing The Point

This graphic image was posted in another group than the one indicated. It was posted in a group for all people who have an experience of adoption. I have learned a lot there. In the beginning, I didn’t know squat. I will admit it. Both of my parents were adoptees, both of my sisters gave up babies to adoption and even in my own life, I unintentionally lost physical (but not legal) custody of my first born daughter. All of this, I have learned, is at least somewhat, if not directly, related to my parents having been taken from their original mothers in the first year of their life.

So I did come into this particular group believing that adoption was a good thing. I got smacked down right out of the gate in getting to know this group. I shut up and started learning. One adoptive parent who adopted the children in her family out of the foster care system system, admits similarly – “There are a lot of things in this group that are hard to read. I will admit that my feathers were ruffled at first and thought I should leave. I’m so glad I didn’t because I have learned a lot that I hope will make me a better adoptive parent. The truth is spoken here. Sometimes the truth hurts but maybe that just means we need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.”

One adoptee said – You know what pisses me off the most – about how they claim how “mean” adoptees are? The adoptive parents and foster parents that think that they can just “erase” the fact that the child was not born to them. Then, they think that when adoptees correct them, and say that our past SHOULDN’T and CAN’T be erased, we’re being mean. Like seriously, you want a “beautiful and life changing” relationship, but when somebody that has experienced what adoption is, and explains how to change it, it’s met with closed ears and we’re told “not every adoption is traumatic.” It’s absolutely infuriating. We’re trying to educate you, but honestly, you just want to continue to believe the stereotype and stigma that “adoption is all butterflies and rainbows” and it’s not. It’s just not.

One says – the anger is being treated as the minority opinion among adoptees, a voice that doesn’t matter and shouldn’t be as loud as that of grateful adoptees, because it is abusive to adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents.

To which one adds this clarification – I am more than my anger, and my anger doesn’t mean what I say is just out of anger. Calling people angry paints them as emotional and irrational, claims they see the world through a distorted lens or may make rash decisions. Being “angry” is a intentional mischaracterization.

No, when I’m angry, it’s because the research shows adopted people are suffering but “oh it’s just angry adoptees who had bad experiences projecting their trauma.” I’m angry because adoption in the US is a multibillion-dollar industry that commodifies the wombs and children of people in crisis, but hopeful adoptive parents don’t want to hear how they contribute to the demand for a domestic supply of infants. I’m angry when arrogant adoptive parents seem to think their kid’s experience will be the one that escapes trauma but they sound EXACTLY like my parents, and they don’t want to hear that.

I’m angry when people think there’s a magical formula where their kid will never have any hard questions for them, never develop any complicated emotions about adoption, never want to know where they came from. I’m angry when people assume any curiosity about our roots means SOMETHING about how we feel about our adoptive families. I’m angry when the people who could have a direct impact on the quality of an adopted child’s life come in here – expecting they won’t be told they have to learn and grow and change.

blogger’s note – A book consistently recommended in the all things adoption group (and one I have read myself) is Nancy Newton Verrier’s – The Primal Wound. What makes her unique is firstly – she is the mother of two daughters, one adopted and one her biological, genetic child. She also has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and is in private practice with families and children for whom adoption is a major component of their reason for seeking her out. She has both – heard much and experienced much – directly.

Only Way Passed Is Through

For adoptees and mothers of loss in reunion, the Thanksgiving holiday and getting everyone together can cause some anxious moments. One must simply say yes to the opportunity that was not a possibility for so long. We never know how such experiences are going to turn out but an inspirational message I listen to each week, said that saying Yes is the seed that creates the experience.

One adoptee writes – I invited my (birth, first) mom to Thanksgiving with my mother-and-siblings-in-law. My nephew is coming too, my sister already had prior plans. I just started reading The Primal Wound and I’m worried I’m gonna be just an emotional wreck. But my birth mom has been doing a lot of work around her trauma with it all. She placed 2 kids for adoption but another one overdosed last year.

Another adoptee writes – I’m going to my natural uncle’s house next week for Thanksgiving, and my natural mother and brother will be there too. It’s always emotional and I think it always will be. Honestly, I don’t even know why I go because it’s awkward for me. But the awkwardness is familiar at this point. I want my daughter to know her family, even if I have a hard time thinking of them as family.

Another adoptee had this advice – If your body is saying no or to hold off, then there’s a reason for that. Forcing it may cause you to experience more further trauma than you need right now. Once a trauma wound is created, there’s no going back and undoing it. So again, go with what your body is telling you. If your body is saying it may not be the best timing right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t pursue it further in the future. It’s your life and your choice. The only one you answer to is you, not them. Do what is best for you, and however it plays out will be what it is. But don’t let anyone bully or manipulate you into feeling obligated. You aren’t. The only person you owe an explanation to is yourself, even if you feel otherwise. At the end of the day you need to fight for your own healing and safe boundaries. If this gathering doesn’t fit in those spaces this year, then honor yourself by not going. If it feels right and like you are prepared, then go and remember to honor yourself. None of these decisions are easy. It’s all a tangled mess. Whether it’s them or not going, I hope you ultimately choose yourself first, because you are worth it.

From a first mother in reunion – been with our son, his parents and other family many times, including holidays and intense gatherings. Best advice: your feelings are the most important of anyone else in the room. You may have a tendency to want to protect or care take others. Not your job!! Try not to worry about them. Focus on having a good time. Keep it light. It’s pretty amazing you are all together. You will have time to process later. Big emotions do come and go. On Thanksgiving, enjoy the day. You are very courageous – stand in this knowing.

From another first mom – in reunion with my daughter for 7 years. She’s coming to stay tonight with her 3 kids. When we first met, we both discussed how nervous we were but it all unfolded very naturally. I’m in phone contact with my son and he wants to meet up before Xmas and I feel just as nervous again, Although you never know how things will play out, you have to start somewhere. Being nervous is very normal.

It Will Take A Lot

I often wonder if I will ever run out of things related to adoption to write about here but everyday I seem to find something and so, until I can’t seem to do that anymore, I suppose I’ll persist. Today’s inspiration comes from this admission from an adoptive mother –

After adopting our daughter and experiencing some pretty clear effects of her being separated from her mom, I have changed my mindset on adoption. While I know realistically that there will always be a need of some sort for a program to care for relinquished children, I don’t believe in the current system and think it needs a complete overhaul.

She admits – I did not do enough research before we went through the process and relied too heavily on the agency to provide me information. Now I realize their bias, pursuit of financial gain, etc. I did everything wrong – did a gender reveal, had a baby shower, did a GoFundMe, ick ick ick. After placement, I could just FEEL that my baby needed more than I was giving.

I also know that a woman who is struggling with fertility issues that desperately wants to start a family is going to be mighty difficult to dissuade – the flood of savior stories and toxic positivity that is shoved in hopeful adoptive parents’ faces is overwhelming. And despite all of the very valid points that have been made by those who know repeatedly, it will take a lot of education and dedication to overcome the propaganda and the emotional response a woman experiences in order to make a decision that is best for the child and not for her own desires.

So what to share with a woman who is struggling with fertility issues, who desperately wants to start a family ? I often see the very first suggestion is therapy to reconcile her infertility issues and realize that adoption is never a replacement for a natural born child.

Read The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier. I have read it myself and I still see it turn up recommended as the very best possible perspective into adoption trauma from a woman who is both an adoptive and a biological mother as well as a therapist to adoptees and their families. She has tons of insight about all of it.

It is very important to listen to adoptee voices. Here is an analogy – We would never do open heart surgery without an expert surgeon who performs that surgery every day. While a patient (adoptive parent) is part of that process, they are not the ones (adoptees) who know what it feels like to walk in those shoes. A hopeful adoptive parent is inherently biased against hearing any truth about the pitfalls of adoption. They often only listen to the voices of other adoptive parents who have benefitted from adopting. You will rarely hear these discussing the risks, only the positive aspects of adopting a child into their life.

It is important to explain what a for profit enterprise adoption is. The coercion of birth mothers, our society’s lack of focus on family preservation, the option of being a foster parent who strives for family reunification over fostering simply to adopt, explain the guardianship option, share the loss of identity and anything else that a mature adoptee knows about it all.

Remaining connected to those genetic mirrors that the child’s original family is of vital importance. There is occasionally a need for long term care, when the parents could not or would not parent their child(ren), and the extended family members were unwilling or unable to be a placement resource for those children. Adoption is much more nuanced than most people realize and many adoptees feel negatively about their adoptions. Many who choose to be foster parents are actually trying to help and actively trying to support families in crisis to reunify. That said, the training and support is abysmal.

The Problem With Surrogacy

The question was posed – I have a friend who cannot carry a baby to term. She produces eggs just fine, and a friend of ours who is like a sister to her offered to be a surrogate for free for her. There is no power dynamic at play and they’ve been non biological “sisters” their entire lives. Is this still problematic and should I try to talk them both out of it?

The answer is simple. Ever since I came to understand about in-utero bonding and mother child separation trauma, I have been against surrogacy. I know that there are many couples who chose this. In fact, among my in-laws, this was chosen for similar reasons.

A few more thoughts – from a mother – I grew my children in my body. I didn’t grow them to give them to someone else. Yes, I work, but at the end of the day, they know who mom is. Not some confusing arrangement of mom and “not really mom but kind of mom.” My children did not suffer separation trauma at birth. THAT is the difference.

Follow-up question – I know a lot of working mothers who aren’t constantly around their children, may I ask how is this different? Answer – Take some time to research the primal wound (there is a good book on this by Nancy Newton Verrier). It is not about being around a child constantly. It is that in those moments where we, as a species, reach out to our mother for comfort and nurture, we know on a primal level who that is, and it is the person who carried us and birthed us. That’s why separation after birth trauma exists for adoptees, children who were put into the system at birth and orphans. They may have a mother figure, but it is not who birthed them.

Read up on why surrogacy contracts exist and the numbers of people whose relationships break apart because of surrogacy and jealousy. Even sisters. Then what? The baby is away from who the baby thinks is mother.

The best we can do is chose not to incubate babies for other people as this will traumatize them. A fact proven by MRI is that babies separated from their mothers due to the need for them to be placed in the NICU, as well as in adoption and in surrogacy, will suffer brain changes. The difference with the NICU example, is that the parents aren’t deliberately causing that brain change. It is due to a medical necessity.

Clueless response – Every one gets separated from the body in which they grew, so I’m not understanding. Answer – Technically yes, when you are born, you are no longer physically connected to the body of person who carried while you grew. But then that person doesn’t generally go away – except in cases like adoption, surrogacy, etc.

Argument continues because the two women in question are “like sisters.” Response – They are “like sisters”, not actual family. You can be like whatever. Doesn’t change blood. That said, the child deserves their mother – ACTUAL mother. Who would be on the birth certificate? The egg donor or the birth parent? A child deserves to know their biology and this is just messy.

Another thing to consider is that their “inseparable” relationship may change drastically after the baby is born. It’s pretty common for infertile APs (or infertile people who use surrogates) to develop an awful case of fragility once they have that baby in their arms. It’s in fact the main reason that the vast majority of “open adoptions” close within the first 5 years.

One last point because this has a lot of comments but I think this is worth sharing – How would your friend feel is this pregnancy killed her “sister”? Or if her “sister” had to terminate to keep herself alive? What if her “sister” carries to term, but has lifelong affects on her health that diminish her quality of life? No one should be using another person’s body like this. Pregnancy is not some magical, easy thing. It can be incredibly hard on a person’s body. It can kill people or leave them disabled for life.

Finally, just some background on why the question was asked – The “sister” is insisting. She says her experience being pregnant was “magical” and that she would be pregnant all the time if she could (but she’s also done growing her family, as she doesn’t want to raise any more of her own kids). She said it would “be an honor” to be able to be the person to help her sister grow her family, too. They’re both in their early 30s. I know they’ve spoke about her health being #1 priority during pregnancy and they’re both pro-choice.

We hang out as a group often and I am simply an observer in their conversations about it, as I do not want to speak on things of which I’m ill informed. I asked this question because I want to have some valuable knowledge about the subject the next time we get together, instead of just sitting there listening to something go down that could possible end up being catastrophic. So far, they’re completely on the same page. We all love each other very much and wouldn’t want anything negative to happen to the others. If that means an abortion needs to happen, then she is okay with that.

One last thought – You cannot make life long promises that the “sister” will remain in this child’s life. I had a family member who did this with her best friend. After a lifetime of friendship, they have not spoken since the baby was born. And if their friendship ends, the child will always wonder why they were handed off, like it was nothing. I suggest that you not support your “friends” baby swap. Traumatizing an infant should outweigh any of their selfish wants. Advise to your friend who can’t carry to term to get therapy and deal with it.

>Link< worth reading – “I was an altruistic surrogate and am now against ALL surrogacy.”

The Hardest Thing

To give birth under an assumed name and then walk away leaving the baby behind. Clearly it was the plan before the baby was born. The mother has yet to be identified or found. Child Protective Services has now placed the baby girl in a foster home. After being there for a year, they will want this couple to adopt the baby girl.

The only thing the mother left behind was a box with a toy and a note that says “the hardest thing I have ever went through, is missing you”. If the mother were to be found and come back for her baby, of course, reunification of the mother and infant would be the obvious goal.

But if the mother does not return, how will her adoptive parents explain to the little girl what happened ? The current foster mom definitely will not say – “she loved you so much, she gave you away”.

Suggestions –

Find a therapist to help you navigate what will be a lifelong process. Words matter and age appropriate are critical. You have a big job ahead of you – do all you can to do it well.

DNA testing as soon as possible to identify members of the natural family and get in contact with them. It’s unlikely to find nothing. Many people take DNA tests. Even a cousin can point you in the right direction.

In answer to the question of what to tell others about the child, some practical advice – A child in your care ? A kid who lives with you ? That’s what she is right now. Asking what to tell her if or when you adopt her is putting the cart before the horse. You should be doing everything you can to prevent that from happening, including a permanent legal guardianship. Did you see the recent case in Michigan where a mother didn’t tell the father that she placed the baby? You need to slow this process way down, so you can be sure this child doesn’t have family out there who want to take care of her.

The Dept of Social Services is going to be working to find the mom. There are many reasons she may have felt she had to do this. Maybe she’s in an abusive relationship or fears harm to the baby. It is not uncommon for some mothers to fear they can’t care for a baby. Good to hope they do find her and are able to help her.

At this point, no one actually knows the mother’s story. That matters.

As for the child’s story – always tell her the truth. You don’t know why the mother chose what she did. So if the child asks – you say, I don’t know. “I don’t know honey, sometimes people make decisions and we don’t know why.” “You are safe and cared for and loved and we will support you no matter what.” Follow up with a trauma informed therapist and let take the therapist take it from there. Explain that she can talk with you about it. Never sugar coat or tell her things you don’t know. Tell her what you know. Facts. You can do it age appropriately. It is her story. This is the reality.

Begin a Lifebook for her, so that she doesn’t have to ask. Work with a trauma informed therapist on how to word her story in a way that she can understand at various ages (perhaps include photos of the hospital room and certainly of the note and toy, the box they were in) and keep the story about her (not about you or your thoughts or feelings). Practicing the story before the kid is old enough to ask will help avoid it becoming a big secret or something scary.

Read The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier. It is perspective changing.

It Can Be Hard To Reconcile

Consider this. You are an adoptee. You are highly dependent on your adoptive parents’ good will. You have already experienced what felt like abandonment or rejection, regardless of whether that was the truth of your adoption circumstances. This reluctance, and often even an inability to get to the honest truth within one’s self, is true for many adoptees. It is even possible for them to be happy with the people who adopted them – I know that my parents were, and that as the “grandchildren,” we loved and respected and cherished those people.

One comment on this graphic image admitted – “Shit it took me until I was 25 to even have this conversation with myself.” Another said – “took me until my early 50’s.” or “35 for me!” And this – “Going through the fog was unlike anything I could imagine. Isn’t it nuts? I’m 31 now and I’ve only talked to 2 people honestly about it all.”

More – “I’m only 55. So it’s still only been a few years and I’m still reeling some days.” Or this, “The last couple years I would think I was through, only to be thrown back in even deeper.”

I have also read The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier – I would recommend it to anyone with adoption within their own family background. I found it balanced and fair in her perspectives as the mother of an adoptee plus a biological child, and not only that, as a therapist to families with adoption related issues.

So this one resonates with me – “40 for me! And that was only after my birthmother died and a fellow adoptee gave me ‘The Primal Wound’ to read.”

One wrote – I want to share this on my personal page but I know my adoptive parents will be offended. In response, another person noted that this is how so many adoptees feel. They’d never risk sharing their feelings. Going public on Facebook is brave. I do it and then most of the time I get annoyed – it’s crickets and so I delete it.