Seeking To Do Better

An adoptee with a challenging start in life but having done a lot of work to heal herself writes today – My mother was adopted at birth, and raised by a mom with substance abuse and alcohol use disorder. She suffered the same, and then I was adopted at age 8 and grew up in poverty before adoption and my adoptive parents used to tell me I should not have kids. Then because of all that I struggled with substance abuse disorder alcohol use etc, and human trafficking.

Now, I have been drug-free since 2015 and alcohol-free since 2019, went to college and graduated in behavioral science. I am in a very stable environment, have done a lot of healing, and am about to get married. We are family planning responsibly. We are both employed, college educated, etc, basically, everything I didn’t have growing up…. but my marriage also propelled me into a financial class I did not grow up in. Money does not buy parenting skills.

I just started therapy as well to get ahead of the game, but I am worried I will be a bad parent because of how I grew up. All those parenting classes and nurse family programs I see are only for low-income families. I think there is an assumption in the “parenting class” industry that only low-income people need to learn about how to be good parents. She asks – Is there some type of support group for parents with familial trauma, or anything like that ? just to have people to check in with ?

One adoptee shared encouragement – I think the fact that you’re concerned you’ll be a bad parent and have identified reasons why puts you ahead of the game. Awareness is huge. I’m a parent. I was emotionally mistreated by my mom. A lot of my parenting ability comes from treating my child in a way that I needed to be treated at that age, while also recognizing that my child isn’t me. Understanding that behavior is a form of communication is important too. Kids don’t need much. They need love and support. They need to be heard without judgement. They need structure and boundaries and clear expectations. They’re humans in small bodies and can understand much more than most people give credit for. It’s the easiest/hardest job. You got this!

As a resource, one suggests this – look into the LINK>Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) – Parent Info Forum. Its a music protocol that helps with emotional regulation as well as CPTSD and Dissociation. Life changing for my parenting game and in general, I was adopted from foster care at 12 with a history of complex trauma. I have 5 kids now !

An adoptive parent notes – Advice columnist LINK>Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post often recommends parenting classes in her live chats, and her column is read by people at all income levels. There are definitely some very wealthy terrible parents out there. It sounds like you have worked really hard to get to a good place. That says a lot about you. If you want to have kids, then do the classes and workshops (some may be available online), read parenting books, maybe read about trauma (if you haven’t already). In fact, a lot of books about parenting children from tough places actually help the reader/parent too. If you decide at some point that you don’t want to be a parent, that is a perfectly valid decision. But you are doing the work to heal yourself and if you have kids, I’m sure you’ll be a great parent.

Here is a list of some of the books she has read that helped her as a parent and human being. [1] Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors-Robyn Gobbel, [2] What Happened to You-Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, [3] The Connected Child – Karyn B. Purvis, David R Cross, [4] The Explosive Child – Dr. Ross W. Greene, [5] Help for Billy-Heather T. Forbes and [6] The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel A. van der Kolk (blogger’s note – in fact, he is featured in the most recent issue of Time Magazine – LINK>Why People Still Misunderstand Trauma.)

A kinship adoptive parent offered more encouragement – Bad parenting is not a class/wealth problem. Everything I’ve learned about discipline boils down to “do the opposite of what my parents did,” and lots of people looked to them for advice because everyone who didn’t live with them thought very highly of them. If you want to have kids, don’t limit yourself by your adoptive parents’ issues. You can get therapy, take parenting classes, etc. and be a super awesome parent.

Another noted – You are aware and will stop the generational trauma. You will do great.

An adoptee who became an adoptive parent writes – I did LINK>Circle of Security. It was great and it’s been very helpful to help me understand how my trauma (not from adoption) plays into and against my child’s.

One adoptee explains their reasoning regarding choosing not to become a parent – Many reasons, of course, but a big one was my lack of family support that others could count on. I was adopted shortly after birth but my adoptive family was garbage and my adoptive parents were both dead by the time I was 30, after which the extended family ghosted me. I would have had no trusted people to help me care for my child. So I definitely get it. I hope you’re able to find the kind of help you’re seeking and, yeah, parenting classes focusing on family trauma/loss would benefit a whole lot of of people.

An adoptive parent added a couple of additional resources…LINK>The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls. And on Instagram, Gottman institute has links to resources/classes they offer. And also on Instagram, Raising Yourself. (blogger’s note – I don’t “do” Instagram, so you are on your own there.)

One person added – I would strongly consider LINK>Mommy and Me or other similar parenting support groups. Classes are great and all, but you can learn a lot from being with other parents. When watching others, you can generally get a feeling for what’s right and what’s not (making excuses for your child when they hit someone is not ok, and neither is hitting the child) and what is better (listening to the child’s feelings and validating how big it is even if you don’t necessarily give in is pro parenting). Watching others can tell you a lot about what to do and a lot about what not to do, plus you’ll get other adult/parent interaction out of the deal…which is kind of hard to get as a new parent.

One person sums up “the ultimate goal” is to remember to be a basically genuine presence with your child (that exact person), switching to their perspective when necessary, and to have love, respect and protection always at the forefront, no matter what parenting style you choose or the specific parent/child relationship you have.

Recommended – Robyn Gobbel

She was recommended today to someone who needed help with a 6 year old who goes into a really dark depression for about two weeks after contact with their genetic parents. An adopted person notes – you can’t stop the feeling after visits (this adult adoptee admits – I STILL feel it after every visit), however you can be taught how to best help her. And then, recommended – someone like LINK>Robyn Gobbel.

Robyn Gobbel has experience as a therapist for almost 20 years, specializing in complex trauma, attachment, and adoption. So, what is it like ? – to find someone – maybe a therapist, maybe someone else – who is willing to get lost with you. And to wait for you. Wait. With certainty.

Robyn is a mental health expert and parenting coach. She reveals how all behavior, no matter how baffling, can be explained and remedied. You just need to look past the behavior and understand what’s going on inside. Robyn decodes the latest brain science into easy-to-understand principles and metaphors which will help you to become an expert in your child’s behavior. She reveals simple ways to help you regulate and connect with your child, with brain, body and sensory-based strategies to overcome day-to-day challenges.

Robyn also provides you with the knowledge to understand and regulate your own brain – so that you don’t flip your lid when your child flips theirs.

Let this be your lifeline for parenting or caring for any child with baffling behaviors and hidden challenges, including kids who have experienced adversity, or with additional needs.

Barely Surviving

Heartbreaking. From the National Institutes of Health – The odds of a reported suicide attempt were ∼4 times greater in adoptees compared with non-adoptees.

An adoptive mother writes – My daughter intentionally overdosed last Friday. This is her 3rd attempt which started at age 12. I have zero ideas what to do. She was adopted with her sisters 8 years ago, after being in foster care 2 years starting at age 5. She has had experiences that have caused pretty significant trauma beyond with the actual removal. We have tried to keep family ties as open as possible but she wants zero to do with her natural mom, at the moment. How do we help support her ? What can actually help? I love this girl with all my heart and I don’t know how to make things easier for her.

The obvious question, with an important suggestion, when it comes to any adoptee – Is she in therapy with a therapist who is adoption trauma informed (and NOT an adoptive parent, ideally an adoptee) ? If she’s not in therapy, she needs to be TODAY !

To emphasize the point, one adoptee shares – I am 52 years old but was forcibly taken, at under a year old by my maternal grandmother and put into adoption against the wishes of my parents. Mom was a minor. Dad sued my grandmother but she and the adoptive parents had more money. After 4 years of fighting for custody, my Dad lost. At that point, I was adopted and my name changed when I was already 4 years old. I started self harming behavior by age 12. I have done therapy. I had my DNA analyzed and now have a relationship with my genetic Dad and my mother’s sister (sadly, my Mom had died, before I found her, which hurts). I now have siblings. I was raised an only kid. Which sucked. Reuniting helps but even so, it brings up so much more pain. I’d advise you to find a therapist that works with adopted child’s trauma. “Adoption is Violence”. This is a said by many adopted kids in safe adoption groups. My adopted Mom was great but it doesn’t fix the PTSD trauma of being taken from your birth family and losing your DNA. In elementary school, they have you do a family tree report on your ancestors. You can’t. When you go to a doctor, they need a family medical history but you have none.

Another adoptee can relate – it’s all horrible. They steal us, then expect us to be a blank slate for them. I’ve never heard adoption is violence but I always say adoption is trauma. If you’re adopted, you have some sort of trauma – even if an adoptee thinks their adoption was good, deep down there’s trauma. My adopters had a biological daughter who was 8 years older than me and she was horrific to me – tortured me. My adoptive parents were very abusive and neglectful.

Emphasized – No matter how good your adopted parents/guardians are, most adoptees feel abandoned, unwanted, thrown away, more worth less than kids whose family kept them. A kid raised by their grandmother or aunt at least still has a DNA connection and family history. Without that, you feel afloat with out a paddle. Being taken from a birth parent is traumatic. Especially so for an infant or small child who will have PTSD even before they can verbalize their feelings.

Finally, some actual suggestions – a youth group of other adoptees would be wonderful. She likely feels very alone in these emotions and it can be very isolating. She could also be very over stimulated in addition to navigating her current emotions. Does she enjoy outside activities like hiking or is there an animal sanctuary she can go to decompress? Therapy is great, but also it’s nice to have a safe place to feel the feelings without feeling anybody else’s. Horse therapy is a great option as well. She can learn to ride and care for the horses. She may find that horses provide emotional support and understanding that people don’t. She needs to have an outlet to dig deep into herself. I would inquire with her previous social worker about about other resources and groups too. I always found it comforting to be around other kids who were going through similar experiences because it can be very triggering to see traditional families not having to deal with the same type of emotional turmoil.

An adoptee with a similar background (adopted from foster care at age 12 w her 2 younger half sisters) suggested looking into the Safe and Sound music listening protocol for the girl’s emotional regulation and nervous system. She had found this helpful in her own struggle w PTSD and an Attachment Disorder. She said this was for her an amazing life changing resource.

Another adoptee shared her own history and resources – As an adult, I have done the following in conjunction with regular talk therapy: inpatient at a psychiatric hospital, outpatient therapy at the same hospital, 18 week program as an outpatient for 4 hours a day, group therapy program for people with severe mental health issues, online zoom group for suicide attempt survivors. She suggested this adoptive mother ask her doctors, therapists, honestly anyone who will listen, for community resources.

The Chatter Is About Deportation

Someone asked for help to explain to an 11 yr old (who is only at the 3rd grade academically) about his biological father having been deported and this book was recommended, although the circumstances in the book’s story are not the same, it could be a conversation starter for this foster mother. A lot of noise this week about Mass Deportations if the election in November goes in a certain direction.

She mentions that he’s in therapy and his therapist is aware. The therapist suggested was that they tell him together, but that she should explain what the term deportation means ahead of time. She says, “I was able to do that by having a discussion about traveling and living in other countries.”

About this book – In this realistic and empowering tale, Carmen learns that through community and love, she can find strength in herself and maintain her connection with her Papi, who has been detained because of his immigration status. Carmen loves doing magic with her Papi. He can make sarapes fly. He can make rabbits vanish! But one day, her Papi vanishes. She is sad and scared when she learns he has been detained because he is an undocumented immigrant from Mexico. At first, Carmen’s family keeps Papi’s detention a secret, fearing that they might be judged negatively. As Carmen’s community becomes aware of their situation, they rally around her family with love. Carmen learns she can find strength in herself and maintain her connection with Papi, no matter what happens.

A note about the other “Something Happened” books, which present and explain sensitive and important events happening in communities across the United States and around the world. Told in clear, compelling stories, the books come with the authority of psychological expertise from the American Psychological Association. They include Something Happened in Our Town: A Child’s Story of Racial Injustice, which is a New York Times and #1 Indie Bound bestseller, and one of the American Library Association’s most banned books; Something Happened in Our Park: Standing Together After Gun Violence, which was nominated for The Goddard Riverside CBC Youth Book Prize for Social Justice.

Difficult Conversations

Not the child in today’s story.

We have guardianship of a 7yr old. He has lived with us twice before through foster care but always returned home after sobriety was achieved.

Guardianship happened after the 3rd relapse in 6 years.

Grandparents have guardianship of some older siblings and often go camping in the summer and invite his mom to join them (their daughter and mother of the kids).

How would you navigate the conversation of yes he can go camping with his family but he can’t move back in with his mom, since she is still in rehab and we don’t know when/if he ever will, due to her substance abuse history?

Is it as simple as saying it that way? I don’t want to overcomplicate it.

He knows that his mom was arrested for drugs and that’s why he has lived with us through the years. His whole life we have genuinely had a good relationship with his mom. We send her pictures and he has had several supervised visits since the last relapse and they FaceTime several times during the week.

One suggestion – “All grown-ups need help taking care of kids. That’s why we are teamed up with the adults in your family, so that we can all help each other take the best care of you.”

One person formerly in foster care asks – Do you think he would want to go? I’m only speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t like events like that when I was a kid with my father because he would try to act like he was this good dad and it was uncomfortable and I felt out of place the entire time. That’s not to say he shouldn’t go but there are a lot of emotional things to navigate outside of just her sobriety.

Another one suggested – put it back on the courts, if he asks. “Right now the judge decided it’s best for you to stay with us. When the judge tells us you can come back to your mom we will absolutely make it happen.” And if he asks when, it’s okay to say that you don’t know but will keep him updated as soon as you do.

An elementary school teacher who has some experience with parents that have addiction issues said – the camping experience is an opportunity for an extended visit with your mom and grandparents. Your mom and grandparents are going to make sure you and your siblings have a great time together. Your mom is still doing some really important work to be her best, and she still needs some more time to do that. Which means you are not going to go home to live with her yet. She added – ask if he’s comfortable with that because it might be more traumatic for him to deal with that separation all over again. She also suggested a therapist to talk about the trauma he’s experienced, in general. She then shared – My mom struggled with addiction for years and, while I was never removed, I wish I could have had someone who didn’t make her the bad guy for fighting a really difficult disease. It takes an incredible amount of work to fight that addiction, and kudos to his mom to keep trying.

One adoptive parent said – Sometimes the answers are just what they are and there isn’t a nice explanation just a hard truth. we just talk about it honestly. Mom had a drug addiction and tons of childhood trauma herself. We talk about those things. How trauma and addiction can effect us. We always emphasize that it isn’t anything against them. She added – my experience is to always go with the truth. Sometimes the situation just sucks and it is ok to say that. And added – she never negatively talks about their Mom – ever – but the girls sometimes express anger. We validate those feelings but I never jump on that bandwagon.

Grief Needs Space

Today’s story – not my own – I adopted my nephew a few years ago. My sister has a crippling addiction and Child Protective Services got involved. It’s all devastating and we all know adoption is born of broken hearts.

Anyway… So we try to keep in contact with his mom but she is very unavailable and doesn’t have stable living at any given time. Currently she’s been gone for about 2 years with no phone contact but we have checked with people who know people to make sure she is still around and ‘okay’. Her son is 4 years old. (We have had him since he was 5 months old, after being in emergency care for 2 months.)

Tonight he was crying at bedtime and when my husband asked why he said he misses his mom. (He knows he is adopted.) My husband just held him close until he settled and then he went to sleep.

But I don’t know how to handle this. I have pictures and thought maybe we can look through them but then panic that maybe that will make it worse. He saw his biological half siblings all day today (also placed for adoption to kin on the father’s side) so I wonder if that was a trigger but the answer can’t be to not see his siblings. I just don’t know how to help him.

I did reach out to a friend of my sisters to see if maybe he can relay a message and haven’t heard back but even then I don’t know what will help. She has only seen him maybe 7 to 10 times since being placed with us, so I don’t know if it will help or hurt for him to see her?

Anyone. Help. Tell me what to do, please. (Other than not adopt him because I didn’t ask for this…) I never intended to “steal him” or anything… I just needed my nephew to be in a safe place surrounded by as much family as possible.

From someone involved in counseling – I think he’s grieving and it doesn’t necessarily need to be “fixed.” Grief needs space and to be witnessed. His heart hurts for good reason and he needs safety to feel what he feels. A therapist might help you too as you hold space for grief with him. I suggest seeing an adoption competent therapist.

An adoptee shares – Holding him while he misses his mom and loving on him is the right thing here and you’ve done that. Therapy with an adoption trauma informed therapist and just being there for him. Letting him talk about her. The pictures are a good idea. Addiction is so freaking hard. Don’t give up on them – someday they might be ready. I think you should be in therapy too, you’ve pretty much lost your sister to addiction at this point, that’s a lot and it’s okay to need a little lift of support.

Those Pesky DNA Surprises

In this age of inexpensive DNA testing and matching – it happens. In The Guardian’s advice column by Annalisa Barbieri, a woman notes and then asks LINK>”I just found out who my real father is. What do I do now?” To which the columnist offers some reasonable advice – “DNA tests can reveal some huge hidden secrets. Take time to process your own feelings before coming to terms with your new family tree.”

The woman writes – I’m happily married with adult children, and grandchildren. One of my children bought me a DNA testing kit and when I received the results I was taken aback to discover that the man I thought was my father was not actually my biological parent.

She further adds these details – My parents were married for some years before I arrived and I have no siblings. My mother was a loving, kind person and growing up I was surrounded by a loving maternal extended family. My father was a “difficult” character, emotionally abusive and distant. He never told me he loved me and I know he made my mother’s life hell at times.

Adding some more details, she continues – I’ve discovered that my biological father was a work colleague of my mother’s. At the time of my conception he was also married with a 10-year-old daughter. We lived in a rural community and I met him and his wife on many occasions. He seemed to be a kind, intelligent man. Both he and my mother died a few years ago.

My mind’s in turmoil; I have so many questions that I know can’t be answered. I’m frustrated that I will never know the truth of the situation. Did other people in the family know when I didn’t?

I’ve told my husband but I’ve decided to not tell my children – I don’t want to upset their memories of a loving grandmother but I don’t know if this is the correct thing to do.

The other issue is his daughter, my half-sister. I’m sad that I’ve never had the chance to have a sibling relationship with her and never will because I will not tell her of my discovery.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

Annalisa Barbieri begins her response compassionately – “What a shock for you. I hope you are taking time to absorb it because this is seismic news. And it’s becoming more common now that DNA testing is so readily available. Lots of secrets that were once thought buried are being exposed. It makes it even harder when the people involved are dead and you can’t ask questions.”

A family psychotherapist, Reenee Singh, acknowledged – “it’s so de-stabilizing to realize the reality you grew up with isn’t what you thought.”

Both the advice columnist and the family psychotherapist agreed – she really should tell her children. The rationale was “Your children are adults and there’s a natural ‘in’ there as your daughter bought you a DNA test. what you don’t want is your children or grandchildren discovering this one day when they may take a DNA test.”

It’s always a good idea to process your own initial feelings first. You may wish to avail yourself of therapy. When you tell your children, you want to be neutral and factual. After you tell your own children, leave it to them to tell your grandchildren.

It was not clear whether this woman already had contact with her half-sibling. So, it was suggested that after she’s told her own children, to post the results on the genealogy site that processed her DNA. The half-sibling might then find that result and make contact in the future.

They emphasized that coming to terms with an unexpected surprise is a process. The advice columnist notes that “there’s a lot for you to work through, not only a new father figure but a whole new family story.” The psychotherapist wondered if this news doesn’t provide a sense of relief, as the father the woman knew as such was a complicated relationship for her. Going forward, in order to resolve her feelings towards her deceased mother, she should try to understand the situation that her mother lived through. This revelation certainly doesn’t mean that she still doesn’t love her mother.

It’s Hard To Feel Different

In looking for an image, I discovered this child’s book about feeling different by Doris Sanford published in 1986. The summary says – “A young boy is portrayed as he sorts out the hurt of ‘being different’ . . . at school. The boy knows he is not like other children . . . He finds true friendship with a little lamb, Fluffy. Fluffy ‘speaks’ truths to the boy about his specialness and how he is loved in spite of his differences. Ages 5 and up.”

From an adoptive parent today – We have an open adoption, more so with our son’s father and less so with his mother. Our son is 8 and has says every few months that he wishes he wasn’t adopted. He has known his birth story since birth. We visit his father’s family twice a year and he loves seeing his half sister. I’ve been struggling with the right supportive language to help him with those hard moments. I tell him that it must be hard to feel different. He says things like I’m the only adopted kid at my school.

One adoptee notes – if a person said almost every month that they were sad their mother died, would that be something to pathologize? If a person said they wished their mother never died, would you try to stop them from saying it? Losing one’s entire family, ancestors and all IS sad. As the perpetrator of the separation from his family, your comfort will ring hollow.

Someone asks – When he says he wishes he wasn’t adopted, is he saying he wants to be with his natural parents?

A mature adoptee notes – Wish I had an answer for you but sadly do not. Being the only adoptee etc. A feeling that has stayed with me my entire life and I am 72 yrs old. Not to say all times were bad but this being on the outside looking in, is always in the background.

Another adoptee asks – If his father can raise his half sister, why is he not raising him? Why is he separated from his family? I ask, because I was in the same boat. There’s nothing my adoptive family could have said and there’s not enough therapy that could have made things easier for me. He is well within his right to be angry.

One shares some personal experience – I’m an adoptee and I have fostered a child.. anyway… I always think … if kids see their parent … raising another child, it would really make them feel bad – like “why don’t they love me ?” … the child I fostered has a 1/2 brother who mostly lives his dad. The mother fought her ass off to get her daughter back from me, which is great. But has not put in the effort to get him back and he follows her on social media and is allowed to come when his dad feels like it … I just always wonder how he must feel.

An adoptee asks – Have you asked him – what part of being adopted exactly is making him sad ? Are you giving him the freedom to truly express himself or are you saying placating words like “I know, it’s hard to be different”, which actually closes down open discussion ? Is he seeing a therapist ? If not get him in to one!

From a late discovery adoptee – “it must be hard to be different” rings so hollow! I couldn’t stand it when adults said fake crap like that to me. I’d always see right through it, even as a small child!

Which caused another adoptee to write – For me, it rings hollow because it reinforces that I AM different, and at least for me, carries the implication that “different” is less than and not as good. It doesn’t just validate my feelings, it tells me that my feelings are facts.

Another late discovery adoptee acknowledges – The past cannot be undone, but perhaps acknowledging to him that you accept that the way things happened and the way you and his natural family did things were not the best they could have been, will be a good start. Is working towards shared custody or reunification something he wants or even a possibility ?

One adoptee can relate – That’s a tough age to deal with being adopted. I had huge feelings that I couldn’t put into words and I was also the only adopted kid with my peers, as my adopted sister refused to talk about it. The kids would tease me and ask the craziest questions that make you feel so alone (ie: do your AP’s make you clean all the time? Do you call them mom and dad? Why didn’t your real mom like you enough to keep you? Was there something wrong with you when you were born?). Having another adoptee as a friend or therapist helps us to feel normal and understood. You’re seeking the right words but there are none. You are already helping him in all the ways you can – by keeping the adoption open, being supportive and his safe place. Please keep trying to find another adoptee therapist, support group, or friend. You benefited from the adoption, while he lost everything, so you aren’t able to fully understand and comfort him.

One adoptee who was adopted as an infant says – I’m 41 and HATE BEING ADOPTED. Does that ever go away?? I don’t think it does. I’m not sure there’s much you can do about his very valid feelings in the matter.

One adoptive parent made a point that was on my own mind – Can you increase the amount of visits with his sister and dad ? Twice a year isn’t a lot of time to really form that bond. Even with distance, there might be other ways to improve the contact.

One kinship adoptee suggested – always validate his feelings, don’t internalize them & make it about you because it’s not. It’s his life that was uprooted.

One mature adoptee tells the truth – I’m 57 and still wish I wasn’t adopted. There were/are no words anyone (especially my adoptive parents) can say that will change that, ever. It also has nothing to do with feeling “different”. One of the worst things my adoptive mother did was pretend she knew how I felt, which was impossible since not only was she not adopted, but she gained from my adoption. It’s very hard for someone to come off as a sincere support when they gained from my loss.

Yet another mature adoptee – It *is* hard to feel different and to not understand why you can’t be with your biological family. I hated being adopted, I’m 40 now and *finally* coming to terms with the damage it caused me. My adoptive family doesn’t speak to me. Haven’t heard from them in over 4 years. They didn’t adopt me for life, just for when it was convenient for them. Those feelings of hurt never completely go away. Then, OMG, comes this – There’s more horror to my story, the abandonment came after I attempted suicide and they used the system to steal my oldest child from me. I feel like I was exploited to fill their void yet again and my daughter is suffering because of it. That spiraled me hard into addiction and homelessness but by the grace of God, I am still alive and coming back to living for the first time in my life. It’s a lot to unpack! My adopter was looking for the excuse to abandon me for a long time, since she flat out told me I was the worst mistake she ever made and she wished she never adopted me. We are disposable to them. It’s painful to say the least.

Post-Partum Depression

Giving a baby after giving birth is not the end of the story for many birth mothers. To be fair, there are a lot of links about adoptive mothers suffering post-adoption depression. Mostly due to unrealistic expectations about getting what they wanted. Some become depressed because adopting didn’t fix their underlying issues. Few think about the birth mother after she gives up her baby. Post adoption depression is the depression that a woman feels when her child is adopted away from her.

The reported rate of clinical postpartum depression (PPD) among new mothers is between 10-20%. In many cases of postpartum depression occurs within four to six weeks after birth because of the extreme hormonal changes; however, symptoms can appear up to 18 months after birth. Many birth mothers believe that they can’t experience postpartum depression after adoption. However, postpartum depression after adoption is as common.

I found content at this website – LINK>Texas Adoption Center – helpful for discussing the issue. There is much more there than I have time to cover in this blog today.

What are the signs that you are experiencing post-partum depression after giving up your baby ? Postpartum depression is defined as an episode of major depression associated with childbirth. Almost 600,000 women are diagnosed with postpartum each year and many cases of PPD go undiagnosed and untreated.

The symptoms of regular and delayed PPD are the same. However, the symptoms of postpartum depression and the “baby blues” are different. The “baby blues” refers to the feelings of sadness, worry, fatigue, and self-doubt that nearly 80% of birthmothers feel after delivery. This typically only lasts for a few days or weeks and resolves on its own.

In postpartum depression, estrogen and progesterone levels decrease significantly after delivery. As you work to balance the physical and emotional demands of giving birth and placing your baby for adoption, these changes can affect the chemistry of your brain. Physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation, self-esteem issues, and the emotions of making the best decision for you and your baby play a significant role in developing delayed PPD. Postpartum depression after adoption is similar to other episodes of depression that can occur during life. While the “baby blues” typically go away within 10-14 days, PPD is characterized by a daily loss of interest and joy in life that lasts.

The most common signs include:

Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
Weight gain or loss that isn’t associated with your diet
Changes in your appetite
Unexplained crying or constant crying
Fatigue
Loss of energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or hopelessness
Changes in your sleep patterns
Suicidal thoughts or attempts

In addition to talking to a doctor or therapist (postpartum depression is a medical condition), you can be kind to yourself. Focus on your health and well-being. Don’t isolate yourself and be patient as you process such a major event in your lifetime.

When The Name Is The Abuser’s

When the name we carry is also that of an abuser – today’s story (not mine).

I know changing names during adoption is typically a no, however I’m curious about opinions in this circumstance. I’m adopting my niece and nephews. The oldest’s (age 4) middle name is after his natural dad, and a man his dad claims as his dad. (In reality, it’s just an older man they befriended.) Both of those men being the main 2 abusers. In every kind of way. My middle name is technically after my grandpa, who abused me, and I’ve always wanted it changed, which is where this is coming from. I want to make certain that I’m not just projecting my own feelings, which I admit is possible. This case has been extremely triggering, given my past. Do you think in this circumstance that changing his middle name would be beneficial ?

One adoptee responded – My gut reaction is that this about you and your dislike for your own middle name (I’d encourage you to change it, btw). Have you asked the child ? My first thought is that you should keep the name the same for right now, while this transition is being made and because it’s his middle name, it doesn’t have the impact of a first name. Hold space for those two kids and see what comes up.

From another adoptee – His middle name is his choice. Period. Get the child in therapy and let him discuss his trauma and triggers. If his middle name ends up being a trigger for him, then have an open conversation about it. Leave your trauma at the door, when it comes to having an open conversation about his trauma. If changing your name will help you feel more comfortable, you should 100% do that !

From an adoptee (who changed their name as an adult) – you’re projecting. You should change your name for you, and you should wait to let kiddo change his name (or not) for him. I like the name I share with an abuser. It’s my name. When I changed my name as an adult, I kept the portion I shared with the abuser. My whole childhood adults pressured/“offered” to change my last name because of who I shared it with and I’m thankful I always felt brave enough to say no.

This person adds – Not wanting to share the name of an abuser is 100% valid, but it’s not the universal viewpoint. It’s totally possible in time that nephew may want to change his name, and it’s also possible that he won’t but you don’t know now. Also having changed my name has caused me significantly more extra work than I thought it would. I have to bring the court doc when I travel internationally, I have to list my old name as a “previous alias” when I apply for rentals, and I’ve struggled to get old documents because my ID doesn’t match their version. This is a much smaller reason than not fucking with someone’s identity, but I don’t think anyone should get to choose this for someone else who didn’t consent.

This one who is a foster/adoptive parent, and also shares that she was rescued from hopeful adoptive parents when she was pregnant at 17, says – I am allowed to share that both my sons (as they have requested to be called) have changed their names but differently and for different reasons. We made sure they discussed it with their therapist and reassured them that what they choose has no baring on the love and care we will give them (including whether or not they want to someday contact their biological family. Or how they want their Fostering/Guardianship/Adoption handled). Our only rule is, while they are allowed to express themselves and what they want to do, they absolutely may NOT attack their sibling for choosing a different path. Each journey is traumatic and will be handled by different people differently. We also reassured them they can always change their minds without judgement (But I won’t pay for another name change till after 18). Unfortunately, your nephew is not old enough to make these decisions for himself. And there lies the difficulty. In almost all cases, I do NOT suggest changing their name and do suggest waiting till they are older to decide for themselves. I will admit that I make exception for Sexual Abuse or Attempted Murder victims. I am a sexual abuse victim myself and my Dead Name is as it is called…Dead to me.