Often Not The Fairy Tale

Today’s story is sad but all too often true for some adoptees in reunion.

The definition of a Fairy Tale is a story in which truth prevails over lies, generosity comes to be rewarded, obstacles are overcome by hard work and love, good triumphs over evil and mercy and kindness are the greatest powers. And sometimes this simply doesn’t match the reality. Here’s the story –

My adoptive parents are dead and were amazing to me. A few years ago, I met the birth parents. I have a hard time using the word parents for them because they’ve done nothing but hurt me. I was raised to be kind forgiving and loving but these people are everything but. Several times per week, I am insulted and tore down and it makes me cry. They are married to each other and apparently a perfect fit. Both exhibit 9 out of 10 traits of narcissism. They’ve tried to get me fired at work, tried to end my marriage, tried make my friends hate me, and essentially try to cut me off from everyone because they think I should be the person they think I should be. Every time he makes me cry he laughs. They’ve held grudges and gotten mad at me for having a sick child or being sick themselves. I had a very long hard struggle with cancer (genetic I might add) that I have deficits from and they tell me to stop having excuses. When my mom died, they told me they were glad she was dead. And the list goes on and on. I’m stupid, I’m a liar (but they refuse to let me know what I supposedly lied about), and my entire life is worthless according to them. I’m struggling because society says I have to want to be with them but I don’t. They hurt me so deeply and so often I feel sick. I don’t want to be an a**hole but I had no idea how mentally abusive they are. The rest of their family minus the bio grandma is crazy. What should I do? I want to cut contact but I know I’ll get push back. Has anyone navigated anything similar? I’ve tried to make this relationship work for 3 years and it isn’t working. And all I get is people guilting me into thinking I need to maintain this toxic relationship.

One comment noted – your experience shows another side of the adoptee reunion story. Many times adoptive or foster parents get criticized for “having stolen” from the child in their care, the right to be with their birth families. Some adoptees fantasize what their birth families are / were… but sometimes, in reunion, they find those birth parents are not the fairy tale they imagined.

Deconstructing The Fantasy

Today’s question from an adoptee – How do you guys start reframing your minds and deconstructing the lies and fantasy you were told ?

I’m 27. I was lied to – until I was 13 and then, told I was adopted and to not let my adoptive mother know, I knew. I hid it, was able to find my siblings and develop a relationship with them, and then, my adoptive mom found out and forbid me from speaking to them, till I was out of her house.

It was the usual spiel. “we CHOSE You.” We took you in, when your own family didn’t want you. You’re special because we picked you. Your parents didn’t want you. Your biological family chose drugs over you. They never wanted you, but they wanted your siblings. We cared for you and took you in and loved you, and you need to be grateful about that because you could have ended up somewhere so much worse. You owe us your gratitude.

Y’know. The usual drama.

Now at 27, my adoptive father, whom I loved dearly passed. I’m no contact with my adoptive mother now for nearly 6 years. My biological mom and I have a relationship but there is nothing maternal to it. And my biological dad passed away 2 years ago from cancer.

I’m trying to deconstruct my thoughts. For the longest time I was proud of being chosen. Proud of being wanted. But then, it became manipulative with abuse tactics and the usual nonsense, when you’re raised by a narcissist. And I realized, I was nothing more than a trophy to show off how good of a person she was. Anything off about me was squashed and medicated, so I appeared functional and perfect for her little charade. I was frequently threatened with medication changes, or to be sent back to foster care. Looking back, I’m realizing how much the things drilled into me, traumatized me. How much I struggled with feeling secure. How I never felt like I belonged. I struggled with all the questions about why I wasn’t wanted, why they wanted my sisters, why I wasn’t good enough.

I’ve done therapy. I’ve tried to process it but finding a good therapist that understands adoption trauma is hard. I’m tired of slipping up. Calling her my birth mom, not calling the other one my adoptive mom. I truly view her as nothing more than someone who attempted to raise me, but failed horrifically. She isn’t “mom”. I call her by her first name. But it’s so hard and confusing in conversations to not slip up or have to explain and answer the questions that follow.

How did you deconstruct your adoption and how do you handle using the terms that make you comfortable, when it causes confusion for others.

Another adoptee replied – I think that deconstructing anything is a life long process. Much like trauma. There will always be times when we get hit with those feelings and responses. We can just keep plugging away at the work. When those things pop up I write. Pretty much just word vomit onto the page. It keeps the thoughts from having too much power. But I rarely worry how others view the language I use to describe my experiences. I have a terrible first mother, I have a negative nickname for her that I use everywhere but this group. I don’t need other people to understand it, but just respect it. It is all so hard and you are not alone.

Another woman who has been through the mill (I won’t go into all the ways because that isn’t necessary in this context but good to know where her feelings and perspective come from), says – collect the things you were told by your adoptive parent. And next to each, write what is the truth. And regarding her biological mom – don’t chase Love that was never given to you. Keep a superficial relationship and be thankful for what you’ve got. Some adoptees don’t have a biological mother that loved them or wanted them. Cherish the small wins. You did not receive unconditional love owed it to you by not one but two women. Now you need to be a parent to your inner child and keep repeating to yourself: “You are beautiful, you are sweet, I love you so much, You are my whole world.” All of the words your mothers should have said to you. You need to become a mother to your inner child. At the same time, heal from narcissistic abuse and from having a distant biological mother.

One adoptee shares – I was told that God gave me to them. That my birth mom was on drugs and knew she couldn’t be a mom, so she wanted me to have a better life. I was abused. I met my birth mom and there was family on my dad’s side who wanted me. I’m 38. It took a long time to make peace with all of it. Just accepting that everyone involved was messed up in the head. I can only do better for my own children and stop the generational curses on both sides. I know your pain, honestly having my own children and changing the script, is what has helped me the most.

An adoptive mother admits – I am deconditioning (perhaps, that is different than deconstructing) from everything I was fed, took on, believed about adoption. I tried therapy and still partake as needed, yet this is not what I’m talking about. Rather truly getting to the energetics of loss. The real transformation within me is inner child work and neuroplasticity brain retraining. This healing is an inside job. I spent a lot of time on this path and am finally seeing and miraculously feeling some results. They are not dependent on what anyone else thinks or feels about me. (Although positive relationships expedite the process.) It is definitely improving my relationship with my son. I’m less of a head case.

Another adoptee writes – It’s a work in progress. We have similar stories. I was told endless lies by my adoptive parents. I also experienced abuse and emotional neglect. The biggest issue which led to estrangement was that they did not tell me I had a brother, who they also tried to adopt. Once I met him and was getting to know him, the reality of what they concealed from me truly hit me and I cut them off. I cannot cope with them in my life, knowing they stole the opportunity for me and my brother to be in each other’s lives during childhood. These adoptive parents who enforce sibling separation, and even lie about existence of siblings, are the most evil of evil. I have a support system – my husband and in laws. I am doing what I can to build a relationship with my brother now and trying not to let the fact that we lost so much time consume me. Therapy. I’m looking at a career change. I would like to help other adoptees cope with similar issues. I feel better with my adoptive parents out of my life, they were toxic and unapologetic and I was in denial. I lost my adoptive sister due to their actions as well (she is estranged from all of us). They caused nothing but pain for me and I finally said enough is enough. All I can do is hope I’m capable of building relationships in the future and that they haven’t destroyed my ability to do so and continue to work on that. Personal growth and no backsliding, not letting myself wallow in pain.

An adoptee shared – I finally found a therapist that’s not only adoption trained, but an adoptee herself. The difference is amazing – previous therapists just had no understanding. So make it your mission to find that. Not easy, but worth it.

You Don’t Owe Anyone

An adoptee writes – I went no contact with my adoptive mother about 18 years ago. She was always abusive and treated her biological daughter much better than me. My cousin contacted me the other day and said I should reach out and make amends because she is showing signs of dementia and on death’s doorstep. Am I in the wrong for not trying? I mean she did raise me when no one else wanted me after all. I’m so torn and need advice.

One foster parent replied with her own experience – Only you know what your heart needs and no one else can make that choice for you. Completely different situation, but my grandmother died of Alzheimer’s and I was guilted into coming to say goodbye the week before she died. I knew I didn’t want those memories and now my last memories of her are of her being cruel and racist to the nurses in her care unit. She didn’t know me and she didn’t care that we were there. I wish I’d listened to my heart and not gone. You don’t owe this trip to anyone. Only go if you think it will give you closure. If it’s for anyone else, it’s not worth your time or energy. Hugs. This is a hard thing to go through even in the best of circumstances. Sending you love and peace.

One woman who identifies herself as the aunt of adoptees said clearly – Children do not “owe” their parents or caregivers anything. Ever. Especially in cases of abuse. The people who raised you certainly weren’t “care givers”. Only consider what is best for you in the short and long term. I’m sorry you’re having to face this. Be kind to yourself.

An adoptee writes – I had no natural parents either, was abused by my adoptive parents too. I cared for one for twenty years, am divided now on how smart that was. In hindsight? I’d say spare yourself. Wishing you all health and happiness whichever choice you make.

Another foster parent wrote – toxic is toxic. Unfortunately that means family too. For me personally, it doesn’t matter if it’s birth family, adoptive family, chosen family or forced…. Toxic is toxic and you owe NO ONE a reason for removing that from your life. You do what works for YOU and do not allow others to manipulate you into feeling things that aren’t yours to carry.

A hospice nurse was quoted as saying – “no one is owed your forgiveness, your love or your physical presence. Impending death does not change that in the slightest”.

Another adoptee writes – You went no contact for a reason. Honor yourself and your feelings, and only do what you feel is the right thing to do, not what other people thing is the right thing. A diagnosis doesn’t suddenly absolve someone from the horrible things they’ve done. Being on death’s door doesn’t suddenly absolve someone from the horrible things they’ve done. No one owes anyone an apology for any reason if they don’t want to give one.

Another adoptee offered a good analogy – You don’t have to care and you don’t have to care that you don’t care. Would you make friends with a bee that stung you in the eye every once in a while?! Give it a home? A place in your heart? Dedicate time and energy to it’s well being? It only stings your eye every once in a while…

Another adoptee suggested these self examination questions – Consider why you went no contact and how you’ve been since. Have you been at peace or had serious regrets? Have you ever attempted/thought about attempting a reconciliation because it was something you ideally would want? Do you think it’s something that could reasonably happen? If the answer is yes, then maybe consider it. If this isn’t the case, it’s ok not to pursue this. Decisions have consequences. You aren’t responsible for relieving the consequences of someone else’s hurtful behavior just because their time is running out and it would make them feel better. Don’t let external attempts at manipulation influence you. If you’ll feel guilty for not attempting a reconciliation, that is completely different from attempting a reconciliation to prevent others from trying to make you feel guilty.

And this important point to consider from another adoptee – dementia takes the filters off. There’s a chance she may be even crueler than you remember. She might not be, but it’s not a risk worth taking. If you can’t be in contact with her when she’s coherent, you shouldn’t be guilted into contact when she’s got even less self-control.

This self-assessment had leapt out at me also – I hope you are in therapy and I really encourage you to challenge the concept that “no one else wanted you”. That phrase feels like a knife to the heart, you deserved better and whoever said that to you or instilled that belief was grooming you to accept crappy behavior from people who were supposed to love and protect you.

More than one adoptee admitted to being no contact and estranged from their adoptive parents due to reasons of perceived abuse – having feelings such as doubt, guilt, and obligation are common in estrangement situations, and especially in adopted people.

Using Detachment To Make Space

Adoption trauma refers to the shock and pain of being permanently and abruptly separated from biological family members and can affect both the birth parent and the child who is being adopted, given the circumstances of the separation. We now know that a child’s attachment to her mother starts in the womb, so even a child adopted at birth can experience severe attachment disruption later on in life. A friend was recently expounding on attachment and it seemed like some worthy thoughts to put in this blog.

She writes – Had a conversation recently with a loved one about loss, trauma, wounds, living in a bubble where the sense of belonging is not clear. When we lose loved ones, for example, due to death or breakups, when we are rejected, or misunderstandings separate you from people who are important to you – places where there is lack of warmth, lack of connection, a kind of coldness and cruelty that is hard to put in words and if you do put into words, you look weak – it is embarrassing, humiliating – further you go into the wound, building a fence around you made of loss, confusion, distorted or loss in sense of purpose, aloneness, pain, trauma, rejection, grief, loss of control. You can create narratives that preach positivity and strength but the heart is wounded, the heart has a stab pain, bleeding your life away, whispers in your inner ear of why you are not good enough – if only you were this or that..then maybe it would be alright. What can you do? A silent rage covers the wound, like a thin skin to help you function. A fight for your life that feel a fight in a dark room with no light in sight.

Then the idea “don’t be attached” sounds like more abuse, more alone, squeezing the heart tighter, as if trying to end what you are, your life. “Don’t be attached” feels like more of a stab. Abandoning yourself, your hopes. Hearing the word detachment can feel shattering. ..that as bad as you feel, now, don’t be attached.

Don’t be attached doesn’t mean withdraw from love, hope, from what you care or cared about. Particularly not withdrawing from the part of you that hurts. Not being attached is to draw closer to the hurt parts, abandoned parts, wounded parts. Not being attached is separating your self from the *story*, situations, to change the focus from the situation to the wounds to learn from them what you need to, to take time to transform into a newer version of yourself that has yet to be embraced and has navigated billions of hurts and disappointments, sometimes flat out rejections and absolute betrayals and abandonments, some that go very deep. The deep wound can cause even the lightest slights to feel exaggerated. We become sensitive to how the wind is blowing. We haven’t embraced our pain fully enough to heal. Everything that brings that pain to the surface or creates those feelings, it is a chance to embrace the wounded part, look at it, reason through, let others off the hook for a time, look at yourself, the wound, be alone with yourself, giving yourself time to heal. Otherwise, we might not sense when we are in relationships with people that abandon, hurt, reject – – because we haven’t yet developed a healthy one with the wounds we carry – using that as proof over and again that we are not worthy of more or pursue it, or even how…where.

Detachment is a short term method to make space to see yourself differently, to tend to your wounds properly, to love yourself rightly, to see things thorough and to come to terms once and for all – help yourself, gently, so we can evolve beyond the wounds.

**I do also consider there possibly being a radical process to detachment. A leap – as if off a cliff into a void, another world – where if you could do it – as if die to what you are – you would open to a world you had no idea is there, that you have only been seeing your thoughts and hardly reflecting anything at all but those thoughts – not reality. I imagine a Remembering, a rejoining with something exciting and pure. Personally, I find the idea and concept curious, the thought intriguing, and at times dwell on getting beyond idea and thoughts and wonder if there is another world..maybe a real world, reflected from a free conscience, a surprise, beyond *your* mind.

She ends it with this advice – Think about that then turn and say something silly and reveal your human flaws and personal prejudices. Even though your mind is there, inching in miles toward a leap.