Tag: Trauma

Difficult Conversations

Not the child in today’s story.

We have guardianship of a 7yr old. He has lived with us twice before through foster care but always returned home after sobriety was achieved.

Guardianship happened after the 3rd relapse in 6 years.

Grandparents have guardianship of some older siblings and often go camping in the summer and invite his mom to join them (their daughter and mother of the kids).

How would you navigate the conversation of yes he can go camping with his family but he can’t move back in with his mom, since she is still in rehab and we don’t know when/if he ever will, due to her substance abuse history?

Is it as simple as saying it that way? I don’t want to overcomplicate it.

He knows that his mom was arrested for drugs and that’s why he has lived with us through the years. His whole life we have genuinely had a good relationship with his mom. We send her pictures and he has had several supervised visits since the last relapse and they FaceTime several times during the week.

One suggestion – “All grown-ups need help taking care of kids. That’s why we are teamed up with the adults in your family, so that we can all help each other take the best care of you.”

One person formerly in foster care asks – Do you think he would want to go? I’m only speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t like events like that when I was a kid with my father because he would try to act like he was this good dad and it was uncomfortable and I felt out of place the entire time. That’s not to say he shouldn’t go but there are a lot of emotional things to navigate outside of just her sobriety.

Another one suggested – put it back on the courts, if he asks. “Right now the judge decided it’s best for you to stay with us. When the judge tells us you can come back to your mom we will absolutely make it happen.” And if he asks when, it’s okay to say that you don’t know but will keep him updated as soon as you do.

An elementary school teacher who has some experience with parents that have addiction issues said – the camping experience is an opportunity for an extended visit with your mom and grandparents. Your mom and grandparents are going to make sure you and your siblings have a great time together. Your mom is still doing some really important work to be her best, and she still needs some more time to do that. Which means you are not going to go home to live with her yet. She added – ask if he’s comfortable with that because it might be more traumatic for him to deal with that separation all over again. She also suggested a therapist to talk about the trauma he’s experienced, in general. She then shared – My mom struggled with addiction for years and, while I was never removed, I wish I could have had someone who didn’t make her the bad guy for fighting a really difficult disease. It takes an incredible amount of work to fight that addiction, and kudos to his mom to keep trying.

One adoptive parent said – Sometimes the answers are just what they are and there isn’t a nice explanation just a hard truth. we just talk about it honestly. Mom had a drug addiction and tons of childhood trauma herself. We talk about those things. How trauma and addiction can effect us. We always emphasize that it isn’t anything against them. She added – my experience is to always go with the truth. Sometimes the situation just sucks and it is ok to say that. And added – she never negatively talks about their Mom – ever – but the girls sometimes express anger. We validate those feelings but I never jump on that bandwagon.

Not The Adoptee’s Celebration

My blog today was inspired by this comment by an adoptive parent – We’ve all seen a million ways of handling adoption day and the anniversary of that day done wrong. Sadly, I haven’t seen it done well. What is an emotionally appropriate way of handling adoption day anniversaries ? I know it’s not one size fits all, just looking for the majority/ideas/growth. And I’m sick to death of people telling me to let the kids lead, which I view as putting the work/responsibility on them, when I’m the adult.

From an adoptee –  I always thought it was weird when other adopted kids parents made a big deal out of the day they were adopted… so strange. I am happy that I don’t know it and my parents never “celebrated” it or made it a thing. My birthday was always made super special and every other holiday, like a normal kid.

And another adoptee – I prefer to just ignore it altogether.

An adoptee from foster care – It was never really acknowledged in my home. The day that they picked me up to foster was spoken about a few times but only because it was my brother’s birthday and apparently he thought my adoptive parents had got him a baby sister for his birthday. I can’t imagine my adoption day as anything to be celebrated. Why does it have to be spoken of at all?

Another one explains – what was lost in that moment is not worthy of a celebration. If I could go back in time and save my family from their own self destruction that led me and my daughter to our adoptions, I would.

Yet another adoptee – This one is easy. You don’t. Why celebrate the day you bought your kids ? Celebrate the day they were born. I think there are ways to communicating your openness to have discussions without mentioning it on the day the final loss of their family took place. Less is definitely called for.

This adoptive parent continually responded to each adoptee response with the same “canned” message rather than more personal replies – never intended on celebrating the day. Just thought I should acknowledge it, so they know it’s okay to feel whatever it is they feel and I’m here for support if needed/wanted. I’m seeing that this is one of those times when less is more though.

To which an adoptee responded – so reading your canned response, it seems you want to acknowledge it because so many people involved were affected by it. Lose that mindset. It’s not a happy day, if they bring it up, just listen to their feelings and make sure they feel validated. Trauma should not be memorialized.

Nature vs Nurture

The debate comes up frequently in adoption related discussions. A comment made by an adoptee to an adoptive parent went something like this – It’s a nice concept to pretend they don’t have an entire family out there, one that helps avoid hard truths about nurture vs nature. It’s not as black and white as erasing an entire person’s identity and history. We do make exceptional feel-good clickbait, though.

(blogger’s note – with two adoptees as my parents, I grew up thinking they were orphans and didn’t have genetic biological families out there – I discovered how uninformed I had been, when I started uncovering the stories and sometimes descendants of my genetic biological grandparents.)

The adoptive parent pushed back – I’ve never pretended anything. Never hid from them that they were adopted. Gave them all the information they needed to contact their birth families when they were old enough.

The adoptee responded – you’re doing it here, sharing it as if it’s yours and perpetuating the concept of ownership. You’re apparently aware of at least some of the trauma in not having natural family connection, yet you sold it in your very public comment as though they have no other family but yours.

That’s a harmful and misleading Disney spin on what is actually a Grimm’s Fairytale. Kids can have the most wonderful parents and still suffer the trauma that automatically comes with adoption and you sell it like rainbows and fairytales on their behalf.

You may feel like they’re your kids, but I guarantee, at times, they feel “other”. And they will throughout life. That’s nothing you did – that’s adoption. This narrative is keeping the demand for resources at zero and the demand for buying babies at an all- time high.

Adoptive parent’s reply – I’m well aware of the trauma and complications involved in adoption. I’ve never pretended my life is a fairy tale. Our lives are hard. I’ve never hidden that from anyone. All my message was meant to convey was that me not having given birth still seems “less then” in our society. Judged for not having children. Saying that they’re all mine is not about ownership but about the Mother/Child relationship that is valid.

The adoptee notes – Adoption is supposed to be about the kids but it’s really about infertility and the adoptive mother.

The adoptive mother tries to clarify the situation from her point of view – I won’t hide the fact that I support adoption. Suffice it to say that if we didn’t adopt them, someone else would’ve or they would’ve spent their childhood in foster homes. It’s not about me. It is about people’s lack of respect for the non-traditional parent and people who don’t have children. Your story may be hard but you don’t represent all adoptees just as I don’t represent all adoptive parents.

The adoptee wasn’t finished by that – there it is, the entitlement underneath all of it. You would believe that every one of the relatives are an absolute failure and could not possibly have been helped to parent any of the children and thank God (and you of course) saved them. You support and encourage more ripping apart of families, kids placed in the system so long as people like you get to say they have at least one family, eventually. You do speak like most adoptive parents. I speak like most adoptees do in private, away from the fragile people we have to keep pretending with – the adoptive families who can’t handle the truth they made us handle as children and continue to make us handle.

Someone commented after the adoptee shared all that – This was a master class and I feel so sure she won’t learn.

The adoptee said that was true – She became condescending and went and got her 19 year old adopted son to tell her I was wrong and they’re all fine, which she then had to come back and tell me, just to underscore her belief that my perspective is a minority one.

Grief Needs Space

Today’s story – not my own – I adopted my nephew a few years ago. My sister has a crippling addiction and Child Protective Services got involved. It’s all devastating and we all know adoption is born of broken hearts.

Anyway… So we try to keep in contact with his mom but she is very unavailable and doesn’t have stable living at any given time. Currently she’s been gone for about 2 years with no phone contact but we have checked with people who know people to make sure she is still around and ‘okay’. Her son is 4 years old. (We have had him since he was 5 months old, after being in emergency care for 2 months.)

Tonight he was crying at bedtime and when my husband asked why he said he misses his mom. (He knows he is adopted.) My husband just held him close until he settled and then he went to sleep.

But I don’t know how to handle this. I have pictures and thought maybe we can look through them but then panic that maybe that will make it worse. He saw his biological half siblings all day today (also placed for adoption to kin on the father’s side) so I wonder if that was a trigger but the answer can’t be to not see his siblings. I just don’t know how to help him.

I did reach out to a friend of my sisters to see if maybe he can relay a message and haven’t heard back but even then I don’t know what will help. She has only seen him maybe 7 to 10 times since being placed with us, so I don’t know if it will help or hurt for him to see her?

Anyone. Help. Tell me what to do, please. (Other than not adopt him because I didn’t ask for this…) I never intended to “steal him” or anything… I just needed my nephew to be in a safe place surrounded by as much family as possible.

From someone involved in counseling – I think he’s grieving and it doesn’t necessarily need to be “fixed.” Grief needs space and to be witnessed. His heart hurts for good reason and he needs safety to feel what he feels. A therapist might help you too as you hold space for grief with him. I suggest seeing an adoption competent therapist.

An adoptee shares – Holding him while he misses his mom and loving on him is the right thing here and you’ve done that. Therapy with an adoption trauma informed therapist and just being there for him. Letting him talk about her. The pictures are a good idea. Addiction is so freaking hard. Don’t give up on them – someday they might be ready. I think you should be in therapy too, you’ve pretty much lost your sister to addiction at this point, that’s a lot and it’s okay to need a little lift of support.

Possum Trot

I’m more than average familiar with Possums (the animal is common where I live in Missouri). A mom’s friend of mine once named her first born Possum – I was stunned. She passed away and both of her kids (the other one she named Lynx) changed their names according to their dad who I once met and stayed in contact with for awhile.

imdb says of this film – Sound of Hope: The Story of Possum Trot is the true story of Donna and Reverend Martin and their church in East Texas. 22 families adopted 77 children from the local foster system, igniting a movement for vulnerable children everywhere.

One reviewer described it this way – “not your typical feel good adoption story. This movie is raw, real, and gives you an honest glimpse into the harsh reality of the traumas that children in foster care have experienced and what it takes for families to love them to healing and wholeness. The power of love, community, and hope was a clear message throughout !”

However, in my all things adoption group (which got me to look at this upcoming theatrical release) wrote – “It looks like there yet another movie pushing the savior agenda within foster care and claiming that foster children are unwanted. I volunteer for an annual summer camp that provides teens in local foster care with 3 days of fun activities and the organization sent me an invite to go see this movie with volunteers as a group. The trailer gave me enough information to know it’s not something I can support. I’m assuming the goal of the movie is to tug on people’s hearts and make them want to “save” children by fostering/adopting.”

Here is that trailer –

One adoptee said – I want to crowd fund Jordan Peel to make a horror film of the exact same to opposite plot.

One former foster now adoptive parent noted – LINK>Angel Studios is also heavily involved in the Tim Ballard/OUR drama. I wouldn’t support anything they make anyway. blogger’s note – so I went looking, as I suspected they are known for making “Christian” movies. I also looked up LINK>Tim Ballard and he was associated with the Operation Underground Railroad. Unfortunately, I do believe that we once watched LINK>Sound of Freedom with Jim Caviezel on dvd. He portrays Ballard.

One adoptee added –  “I would be curious though to know what gets classified as neglect. I feel like that’s a catch all phase that isn’t applied equally. Obviously, no kid should be abused. How does this actually support kids ? I feel like this will just piss people off without providing real concrete action to change lives. Adding, I just wanna see a movie/read a book from an adoptee that centers them.”

Another Kind Of CPS

I have mentioned CPS (Child Protective Services) frequently in this blog. They are part of the government that removes children from what are deemed unsafe environments. I have documented frequently that their actions are not always as sterling as most citizens might believe.

Today, it was suggested that I take a look at LINK>Dr Ross Greene who is a clinical psychologist. He has been working with children and families for over 30 years. His influential work is widely known throughout the world.

In the perspectives of Dr Greene, CPS stands for LINK>Collaborative & Proactive Solutions. Many adoptive parents find themselves dealing with a traumatized adoptee who exhibits challenging behaviors. This is probably one of the main reasons that hopeful adoptive parents prefer to adopt an infant who may present less already baked in behaviors.

Dr Greene choses not to emphasize the kids’ challenging behaviors – whether it’s whining, pouting, sulking, withdrawing, crying, screaming, swearing, hitting, spitting, biting, or worse. He prefers to look at how they’re expressing the fact that there are expectations they’re having difficulty meeting. In the CPS model, those unmet expectations are referred to as unsolved problems. The goal is to solve those problems, rather than trying to modify the child’s behavior by using rewards and punishments.

The goal in CPS is to foster a problem-solving, collaborative partnership between adults and kids by engaging kids in solving the problems that affect their lives. The CPS model is non-punitive and non-adversarial. This decreases the likelihood of conflict, enhances relationships and improves communication within the family.

The skills developed include empathy, appreciating how one’s behavior is affecting others, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another’s perspective, and honesty. His book LINK>Raising Human Beings details how to create a collaborative partnership with your child.

A Grandparent’s Lament

A woman writes that she is heartbroken because her twin grandbabies were recently adopted. I was surprised by how many other grandparents chimed in with similar sadness. They were only 3 days old and she didn’t know if they were still in the hospital. She said I’m so clueless – how could this be done ? Does it get finalized in court ? Does mom have to appear to finalize the adoption ? She has researched it and found the mom has to go to court within 72 hours and appear before the judge to confirm signing off her rights as they are in Tennessee. She notes that her son and the mother are both here at her house hiding in their room. She admits that she hasn’t spoken to them in almost 2 weeks, but also told them they had to find somewhere else to live. She feels that she will never want to speak to my son again and yet that saddens her.

Someone shares her own experience of how these things sometimes proceed – in her case, both were both discharged at the same time, according to the hospital’s typical protocols (48 hours after vaginal birth, 72 after c-section). She notes that the relinquishing parents may have a choice in whether the baby goes straight to the adopters or whether the baby goes to a foster home until the revocation period is over. She had that choice but every state has different laws. In her case, her son actually left the hospital with her (and the social worker was following them in her car). They went to a nearby chapel, where she had a ceremony with the adopters and handed him over to them. This happened 48 hours after birth and she had 7 days to change her mind, after the day she signed the paperwork (which happened 24 hours after birth). She says, “I think you are trying to make sense of what is happening, so I’m sharing my story to try to give you some mental pictures. But the truth is, with every state having different laws and with adoption being such a BUSINESS, the situation with your grand babies might be completely different than what I’ve described.”

Someone notes – Family should always be first. The grandmother admits there are times when children need to be adopted because they are in bad situations but our family is good, and we offered to help but were turned down. And then goes on to share – My son and girlfriend thought they would have a better chance with a family that could love and care for them. Someone that couldn’t have kids and wanted to adopt. Me and my husband told them we would help them care for them, but they wanted to do it! They have other children, I guess they didn’t want to start over again! I wanted them and now I’m so hurt, I didn’t have a granddaughter, now she’s gone.

Someone else shares – I think adoptees need to shout about their experiences. Everyone thinks adoption is the perfect solution but even the adopters are human beings, so they have problems: divorce, addiction, anger, depression, family secrets… it’s just that they don’t share them with social services when they are getting assessed. So everyone thinks they’re perfect and I know they aren’t. In the UK, social workers don’t want to get blamed for missing signs of abuse within the birth family, so they would rather just take babies – just in case. But then, that would mean they need to take everyone’s babies, just in case the woman is with a total idiot who in the future might be abusive. That’s why the system in the UK is overwhelmed and they are crying out for more and more foster carers because they have too many children in the system. I’ve been to 3 court cases now, I got custody of the first child (my granddaughter), the second child was a twin and was a boy (my first grandson) and he was adopted. Then the third and fourth children were both boys and they remain with my daughter with no involvement from the state. I don’t understand why they wanted my first grandson. Nobody was told the day of the adoption hearing. It was kept secret, so nobody could go in and try and revoke it. In the UK, it is impossible to get your babies back when they have been granted adoption, as they take the birth mother’s rights away, in court, immediately.

A grandparent shares –  My twin grandbabies are in the system too. I have their older brother. The middle boy got adopted. So unfair. Another asks – Why on earth are all these babies being traumatised??? You would have to get my grandkids adopted over my dead body. Don’t you people realize adoption destroys babies well-being? Traumatizes them??

Someone notes – It is beyond me at this point to understand that people are still willing to destroy families and adopt a child like this. The social narrative about adoption MUST change. These parents were severely misinformed and will regret this the rest of their lives. Another says – Grandparents are left out of the equation. Another noted – Adoption affects the whole family. Yet another says, It happened to me. My 3 grandbabies were adopted. I have not hugged them for 9 years now. And this one is angry – My granddaughters were adopted out too. I hate Child Protective Services. They care more about money than the kids. The adoption agencies are evil too. It’s legalized human trafficking.

The Adoptee’s Burden

So a hopeful adoptive mother asked about gender preferences when adopting. An adoptive mother responded honestly – Your perfect little girl is not going to come from adoption. Adopted children are traumatized and are not there to fulfill our dreams. If you heart wouldn’t be in it with a boy, I would think very carefully about what you’re going into. We are not shopping for children here. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but hard truths are something hopeful adoptive parents need to hear.

One foster parent noted – It seems that they want a specific gender based on their fantasy for what life will be– they are essentially bringing a child into their home with a job/responsibility (i.e., to fulfill that fantasy). The question becomes: what happens if that child doesn’t fulfill that fantasy? I honestly feel the same way when parents have strong reactions at gender reveals.

blogger’s note – I grew up in a family with female siblings. My first child was a daughter. Then, in my second marriage, with a husband who grew up with male siblings, we ended up with 2 boys. I will admit to some gender shock and understand the origin of the word boisterous. Raising them is the greatest privilege and responsibility of our lives, whatever they end up being – non-binary, intersex (a person born with a combination of male and female biological traits), etc LOL See below for what caused my comment.

A person commented – I find that most people with a strong gender preference are more focused on expecting their kid to fit a certain gendered idea. A really narrow reason that feels somewhat legit to me is a single parent or same sex couple who feel better equipped to help a child of the same sex navigate things like puberty and some of the different challenges the world throws at boys vs girls. I can certainly say I find the idea of teaching my daughters about periods and the importance of being aware of the dangers of diet culture much less intimidating than I would find the idea of teaching sons how to navigate male puberty and various kinds of toxic masculinity. (But I’m married to a cis man, so if we’d had a boy, he could talk to his dad about some of this stuff. And otherwise I would just be spending a lot more time doing research to figure it out.)

Mother’s Day for Foster Moms

Definitely open to a wide interpretation, if you know anything about foster care.

Certainly, the Mother’s Day recognition coming this Sunday is on a lot of people’s minds. I was reminded of this today, as I read (not my own experience) –

My foster kids have been with me for three years. We are planning to adopt them but they don’t call me mom at all and never brought me a gift for Mother’s day. They call their birth mom their mom and keep making her gifts for Mother’s Day to give her and they’ve haven’t seen her for two years. I would have thought by now the kids would get the message she doesn’t care about them. I’m hurt because the one thing I would like, is be called mom, and I want to feel appreciated. I do not have any biological kids and my heart longed to be a mother after suffering infertility. It hurts me to hear the kids call their birth mom their mommy but me they call by my first name. I do everything a real mommy does but I don’t get the title as mommy or the recognition. I fear I will wake up on mothers day again empty handed and heartbroken. I’ve been told it is better to get children as young as possible. The older they are, the harder it is to break the attachment. I feel terrible that I’m jealous but it hurts that I’m taking care of these kids and they don’t even see me as a mom.

Then honesty in a reply, the more posts I see from other foster parents, the more I’m convinced many of us shouldn’t be foster parents and are unprepared to deal with trauma. The kids we foster have a mom already. We’re not their mom. We will never replace their mom. Support the kids getting their mom a gift for Mother’s Day and support them not calling you mommy. It’s about the kids – not us. In fact, foster parents should never encourage foster kids or expect them to call them mom and dad.

Legal Standing

Today’s story (not my own) – I’m completely distraught because my 2.5 year old nephew is being adopted by his foster parent. She has legal standing over us cause she’s had him over a year. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as foster parent standing. Regrettably we weren’t in a position to be able to take him in at the time he entered care (at age 1) and I will never forgive myself for that. I won’t go into details but I was going through my own struggles at the time and it wouldn’t have been fair for anyone, including my nephew and 4 young kids. But I torture myself day and night about it. Especially now….

My sister, my nephew’s mom, was murdered the day before Thanksgiving. She was in rehab for months last year. Following her plan and trying so hard. We truly thought she was getting him back and that we wouldn’t need to intervene. If only we knew then what we know now, everything would be different. Caseworkers, GAL, supervisors, lawyers were all no help. “Standing” and “bond” was all they kept saying. Lawyers wouldn’t even take the case; they advised me not to try to get custody because the foster parents would win and then our relationship would be damaged. Was I in the wrong here for trying to do this? Isn’t being with family what would be best for him long term? I understand he will have trauma either way unfortunately. But we did say if he came to us, the foster parents could still see him a lot too!! Hoping that would help him with the transition. With us, he could see his siblings, father, grandparents, etc more. He would have genetic mirroring. He would know all of his family history. We’d be able to tell him stories about his mom. How does a 1 year relationship with a foster parent trump a lifetime with biological family?!

The foster parent claimed she was gonna be “so open” and said “you’re not losing him.” All lies. She’s already stopped all communication, blocked me on Facebook, and refuses to allow me (and his grandfather) visits. How could someone treat a grieving family this way? I was never anything but kind to her! We are his safe, healthy, loving family. I can’t tell you how heartbroken I am. He is her first foster child and I should’ve seen this coming. When she found out we wanted to get custody, she said in a text to my mom, “I’m aware of the emails/calls/efforts but after nearly 18 months with me, I’ve been assured that it’s futile. Frankly it is very disappointing because I have been open about everyone staying in his life.” SHE’S disappointed? All our family feels is emptiness.

My mom has my nephew’s sister (since she was a toddler, now a young teen) who is devastated about this adoption as well. Everyday is a nightmare and everything feels hopeless. I already lost my sister and now I’m losing my nephew. It hurts so much some days that I don’t think I can endure it.

One adoptive parent suggested – File a motion to intervene with the county courts. Show up to all hearings and fight! It is required by law to rule out biological family first and most of the time that wins out over the child’s temporary bond with their foster parents.

One who was fostered from birth and later adopted notes -Self-centered people hang on very tight when they have a child that they assume will be “theirs” someday. The system is not about the child’s welfare. Sometimes it is about who has more money. That is the gold standard. In the larger scheme and meanings of life, money matters more than our genuine family members.