Like An Avalanche

“The point was, I didn’t deserve my son to be taken.”

When my two sons were young, I had a constant fear of losing them to the state without cause. Thankfully, they are 19 and 22 and have never spent a day without at least one of their parents. Others are not so lucky. Today, I read a story in The Guardian about a mother who could not believe how fast the tables turned on her. LINK>’No matter what I do, I’m not in control’: what happens when the state takes your child.

All she wanted was change for bus fare but the store clerk copped an attitude, so she left (that’s her side of the story and I’m not here to question it). I do find what happened next tragic. The clerk made a “keep the peace” call to the police. When the police confronted her, she was on her way to work, pushing her young son’s stroller across the street. They arrested her for disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and obstruction. Basically, they didn’t appreciate her challenging their authority. In their report, they indicated that they would have let her go, if she had not protested.

It could have been worse, since Child Protective Services (CPS) initially placed her son with her brother. However, not informally as a temporary caregiver while she was locked up but formally, with the intention of allowing the state to take legal custody. This was even though, the doctor who examined the little boy wrote that he showed no concerns for neglect or injury. Nevertheless, the doctor authorized CPS to hold him for 72 hours, while the agency prepared to petition the court for custody. That’s how fast it happened. CPS hadn’t been in her life that morning but the situation didn’t just snowball; it came down on her like an avalanche.

From jail, her phoned her brother only to discover it was worse than at first believed. He told her that CPS had taken her son. “They said I couldn’t see him,” she later recalled. “I don’t have custody. I don’t have rights. Nothing.” So even though her criminal case was closed when the charges were dropped, the involvement of CPS wasn’t so easy to leave behind.

Forcible family separation – among the most extreme and intrusive of government actions – occurs much more often than many realize, particularly among Black and Native American families. One in eleven Black children and one in nine Native American children will be placed in foster care by the age of 18. Families come to CPS’s attention due to issues such as substance misuse, domestic violence, mental health needs, and homelessness. Most lack sufficient resources to address their challenges. Family separation essentially punishes parents and children for their poverty and adversity.

Foster care traumatizes children; forcible family separation generates immense pain and trauma for their parents. People’s everyday experiences as they interact with the state – whether public benefits programs, police, and schools, etc – fundamentally shapes what they know and think about government, inequality, and justice. Taking children has always been a political act that targets marginalized racial/ethnic groups to maintain power over them. Family separation teaches affected mothers that the state is an adversary, working against them, given their marginal social positions. CPS gives parents, especially mothers, first-hand experience with an antagonistic, controlling government. Caseworkers, attorneys, and judges claim to help, but in most of these mothers’ experiences, those officials are working against their interests. Mothers don’t see anyone on their side.

For the woman in this story, the path for get her son home became long and arduous, with CPS repeatedly adding obstacles. CPS wanted her to demonstrate “progress” – as they defined it – in her ability to parent. The clock was ticking: per federal law, once children have spent 15 of the last 22 months in foster care, states are supposed to start the process of terminating parental rights permanently. Parents with limited resources face substantial, often essentially insurmountable, burdens to meet CPS’s requirements. It felt like as soon as mothers met one request, CPS added another. Their cases kept getting continued in court. Meanwhile, their kids were growing up.

Finally, a judge ordered that her son could go home – even though as far as she could tell, her situation hadn’t changed. What had changed was she had simply been assigned to a different judge, one who saw no reason her son couldn’t go home. And she figured her caseworker had grown tired of dealing with her. “I can’t even believe they took two years of my life,” she sighed. “They took two years of my son’s life that I can’t get back.”

In the US, CPS puts hundreds of thousands of parents each year through this devastating experience. Certainly, these parents are often experiencing substantial adversity; they cannot always meet children’s needs in their current circumstances. Nevertheless, all deserve to be treated with dignity; all ought to have a say.

SAY SoMeThInG!

Artwork by late discovery adoptee, Ande Scott.

Ande says, Like poetry, I think images like these are impossible to understand without the backstory: the painting looks pretty! Look at the pretty colors! Now look more closely! Notice the pointy shards of colored glass!

Notice the bullshit excuses! The teeny words say, it’s not my place to say anything; the mantra of everyone who knew I was adopted and conspired to keep the secret.

Someone there commented – I see the jumbled shards of glass and see the pain from adoption and an abusive childhood that there is never an escape from – ever. A non-adoptee sees the pretty colorful pattern of glass not knowing the pain it took to display this – let alone what it would take to make those shards into something that could help heal.

I know a few moms in my mom’s group (related to my youngest son’s age) who took a “don’t tell” strategy regarding the conception of their children. Generally speaking, most secrets don’t succeed over the long run. With the advent of inexpensive DNA testing and matching (Ancestry.com and 23 and Me), I am forever grateful my family didn’t choose to hide important truths from our sons. I don’t know how things will turn out over the long run for the others.

Plan B

Actually, NOT this one.

From a comment – Adoptive parents need to be honest that adopting is “Plan B”. If you were a “fertile myrtle”, you would not have sought someone else’s kid. Yes, that may sound harsh, but let’s face the reality. Adoptees are not your first choice. And foster parents, foster to adopt stories, are another Plan B. Only kinship reasons are somewhat valid. Most choices to foster are for self-serving reasons. Just own it.

One adoptive parent who’s child came from foster care responded – my self-serving reasons involve a desire to care for older children while avoiding pregnancy and the toddler / preschool / early elementary stage. Another is a desire to parent a child without being their mother. To which a response came from an adoptee – “That doesn’t make you their parent. You’re their CAREGIVER.”

A transracial, domestic infant adoptee notes – When I point that out to my adoptive mother, she gets so defensive but will also acknowledge the fact that they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, if they didn’t have me ! This winter she told me, oh, we were going to adopt from South America but it wasn’t trustworthy, Asia was our second choice but then someone suggested we try at home and we were lucky, we got you. She didn’t understand why I feel interchangeable.

blogger’s note – it is often said, when an unwed mother reneges on her plan to surrender her baby for adoption, that any womb wet baby would do. The hopeful adoptive parents just go out and find another one. And I found this story heartbreaking but so honest –

My mom was 15 when she found out her “mom” was actually her grandmother and her “sister” was her real birth mom. My mom’s mom was 16 when she had her. I saw the trauma this caused my mom all her life. She was abused in her grandmother’s home for “looking like her dad” and I recall a time when I was a child and my mom called out her mom and asked her why she kept her and gave her to her grandmother knowing the abuse that happened in the home. Even when I was 10, this broke my heart. I had thought adoption or being in another home as a foster could have fixed her situation somehow. However, I’ve that the savior complex is real and isn’t helpful. Participating by fostering an older teen foster is still contributing to the problem. The system in the US is an inexcusable mess. The trauma my mom would have had being removed from her genetic family would have traumatized her as well, just in a different way, but still not “fixed” the problem. As an adult, I’m glad my mom was raised with family because she is Mexican and the very few people in her family that I talk to keep me connected with that side of my heritage. (My mom passed away a few years ago.) I’ve known many hopeful adoptive parents in my life and although they are “good people,” I try to advocate by asking them why they think it’s a good idea to take another family’s baby to complete their family. People don’t like it, when it’s worded that way, but it’s the truth. Other people’s babies should not be someone’s solution to a perceived problem.

Un-answered questions from an adoptive parent – I was a “fertile myrtle” and I wasn’t an anomaly in my adoptive parent circles. That said, adoption – like all choices in life that I can think of – is self-serving. Even kinship adoption is self-serving, as is foster care. People who learn about the harms and choose not to be part of that system are also motivated by self-serving motives – this is the preferable choice because it isn’t as likely to harm others but it’s still self-serving at its core. My question for adoptees is, regardless of self-interest, does one motivation feel more hurtful or damaging than another? Like does it hurt more to know you were Plan B, than if you knew you were the result of someone’s savior complex? I always assumed harm was harm and each motive carried different (but equal) flavors of potential harmful internalization for adoptees but maybe that’s not accurate?

A gay man writes – For whatever is worth, as a gay man, for a lot of us folk, adoption usually is Plan A. Another replies – I am also a gay man, neither of us are entitled to someone else’s child just because we can’t produce our own in the most traditional way. Adoption is not the answer. Someone else challenges – but if it were possible for you to biologically have kids with another man, I’m sure you would choose that route first? If so, adopting is still Plan B. The first gay man responds – at least in my case, no. Due to how adoption works in my country of Costa Rica. Adoption was always Plan A. On a very personal note, a lesbian friend once asked me to have a child with her, but I didn’t wanted to. I personally believe that is selfish to bring new life, when there’s a lot of kids in orphanages here. But, again, my view is very influenced on how adoption works here. Though, if I were a US citizen, with what I know now, adoption would totally be off the table.

And finally, this reality check from an adoptee – I’m going to be radical and say that I believe that anything anyone does is at least partly for self-serving reasons. Perhaps I should also add that I think being honest and aware of what aspects of one’s actions are serving one’s self is a good idea. I think it’s impossible to completely avoid your own self-interest, which means that I also believe it is not possible to be purely altruistic. I think the issue depends on whether the self-interest is an attempt to not face your infertility and those feelings and to pretend to the outside world that your kids are your biological kids or whether it is doing the very difficult job of raising some kids because they needed a safe, loving home, even if you otherwise wouldn’t have chosen to take that responsibility. Or something in between.

Rehoming

I’ve not read the book in the image above but the question came up – Can someone please explain the legality of adoption rehoming groups on Facebook and stuff like that? Like, I’m sure we all understand that’s literal child trafficking. But can someone help me understand how it’s legal?

One foster parent answered – It is my understanding that the agency that posts most of them (LINK>Second Chance Adoptions which is an offshoot of Wasach Adoption) is specifically licensed for this. I guess it is seen as no different than adopting an older child out of foster care for example. The agency can only adopt to specific states that allow it and all adopting families must be homestudied. I believe the agency itself operates out of Utah which has looser regulations than other states. That is not saying that I in any way agree with the practice.

One adoptee notes – It is heartbreaking and horrible on so many levels. Commodification of these children and looks like pet rescues — the worst part is how adoptive parents think that it’s a good thing to do… move a misbehaving puppy… I mean youth on to the next furever family. I cannot imagine the trauma and mental anguish that these children must endure.

Another adoptee chimes in – I often wonder how this is legal as well. Its totally disgusting and treats them like objects rather than people. Foster care/adoption fairs rub me the same way. Especially when it comes to children that will already be extremely traumatized.

Someone more knowledgeable shares – it actually operates under the same laws that govern domestic infant adoptions (DIA) – it’s private domestic adoption, only difference is unlike private infant adoption there aren’t more hopeful adoptive parents than children, which is reflected in the fees (and makes one wonder just who is pocketing the extra $30,000 for these adoptions). Any legal parent of a minor child of any age may privately place them for adoption through an accredited agency; the one difference is that each state sets an age that a child must consent to the adoption, which I believe is typically between 11-14. It really comes down to the fact our society treats children like property. What REALLY rubs me the wrong way is that (not unlike DIA, I guess) the current legal parents get to pick the new legal parents using whatever criteria they want. Like, if you’re dumping a kid, I don’t think you should be able to say – they can only be placed with a Bible-believing Protestant Cisgender family or whatever.

An adoptive parent acknowledges that – it is an absolutely horrid practice and so unregulated. Most “second chance adoptions” are not done this way, most are done over Craig’s List and other sites like that, leaving children so vulnerable and pedophiles are given a very easy way to welcome a child into their homes. It is disgusting and something that the American government needs to address and put a stop too. The idea that people adopt and then decide it isn’t working out for them is just something I don’t understand. Adoption is presented as a pretty package, when the reality is something very different, based alone on the trauma experienced by the adoptee.

Another adoptive parent asks – can biological parents stop parenting a “troubled youth” and place them for adoption? That doesn’t seem legal? If it isn’t legal, then it makes no sense at all that these rehoming adoptions would be. They are legally your children through adoption.

I tried googling that one’s question. It has long been possible to relieve one’s self of a troubled teenager by sending them to boarding schools (including military types) or wilderness type programs. These do not require the parents to terminate their parental responsibility. A court and/or child protective services intervention would be required to go that far – which might end in foster care but would not usually result in surrendering them for adoption (difficult to accomplish with an older child anyway – most age out of foster care). I’m certainly not the one to offer legal advice, just my intuition from what I have encountered over time.

Narcissism

Started reading a piece by Shane Bouel on Medium titled LINK>Objectification of Adoption via Narcissism, subtitled – A Deplorable Default Truth of Adoption. I thought about the many times I have read adoptees describe their adoptive parent (usually the adoptive mother) as a narcissist. I reflected that I wasn’t sure I had ever written about that in this blog. You will need to be a “member” to read the entire Medium piece, so I will excerpt a few thoughts from his writing, until I hit the paywall myself.

He writes – The world of adoption is often portrayed as a realm of selflessness and love, where individuals make the profound choice to provide a home and family for a child in need. While this perspective is undoubtedly valid, there is an uncomfortable truth that deserves consideration: Adoption inherently invites narcissism.

[1] The Desire for Validation – One aspect that links adoption and narcissism is the inherent desire for validation. Individuals who choose to adopt may find validation in being perceived as saviors or heroes who rescue a child from a less fortunate situation. This need for external validation can be a manifestation of narcissistic tendencies, where one’s self-worth is closely tied to the approval and admiration of others.

[2] Control and Ownership – Another element to consider is the sense of control and ownership that adoption can bring. The act of adopting a child can be perceived as an assertion of power and control over another person’s life. This desire for control aligns with narcissistic traits, as narcissists often seek to dominate and exert influence over those around them.

[3] Idealized Self-Image – Narcissists tend to have an idealized self-image, and adoption can serve as a means to further enhance this image. Adoptive parents may view themselves as exceptionally kind, generous, and selfless, reinforcing their own positive self-perception. The adoption narrative can be a platform for bolstering the idealized self-image of those involved.

[4] Manipulation of Empathy – Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate and elicit empathy from others. In the context of adoption, this manipulation can take the form of presenting themselves as selfless and virtuous individuals who are solely focused on the well-being of the child. This calculated display of empathy can be a…

(and I hit the paywall – I’m not really ready to go back to paying at this time).

I found a LINK>to Shane on FB, where he says this about his piece on Medium – This article delves into the complex dynamics at play, highlighting how the desire to adopt can intertwine with narcissistic tendencies and exploring the potential consequences of this intersection.

The truth of adoption is an uncomfortable reality that cannot be ignored. While adoption is often depicted as a selfless act driven by love and compassion, the underlying complexities reveal a darker side. Behind the heartwarming narratives lie stories of loss, identity struggles, and the commodification of vulnerable lives. The default truth of adoption encompasses the harsh realities of a system that can perpetuate secrecy, discrimination, and emotional trauma.

Why? Because the foundation of adoption is rooted in trauma, as long as the baby scoop era and forced adoption existed, adoption will be tarred with the same brush. Supporting saviorism over family preservation! Is this true adoption advocacy? In truth, adoption should be abolished! It’s time to call out toxic advocacy.

Fear of Abandonment

Very short on time today but I came across the image above and went looking for more from Dr Heidi Green. Not that I found much. But I do get the concept that it isn’t just the bad stuff. It is the good stuff that could have been but couldn’t be because of having been adopted and raised by strangers instead of the family you were born into.

What I did find from Dr Green gave me the title for today’s blog –

Where does fear of abandonment come from? For most people, it comes from trauma related to early childhood relationships, especially with our primary caregivers. If you couldn’t depend on your parents to be there for you and meet all your needs (physical and emotional) as a kid, you might very well be an adult who also thinks you can’t depend on people to be there for you. This creates the anxiety-driven behaviors of codependency, people-pleasing and self-abandonment in an effort to do whatever it takes to keep others from abandoning you.

Both of my parents ended up adopted. Back in the 1930s, the child might be older than newborn. At least that was the case for my parents. My mom was probably 6 months old. My dad was 8 months old. Both of them had some period of time to be in a relationship with their original genetic mothers. I can only imagine what their baby brains interpreted when mom disappeared and a stranger took her place.

I think more so for my mom, than my dad, there was no small amount of people pleasing and I have acquired a lot of my own behavior in that regard from being my mom’s daughter. However, back to Dr Green’s point – neither of my parents could totally depend on the people raising them to be there for them. My dad even experienced more than one adoptive father and was adopted a second time and his name changed yet another time when he was much older and his adoptive mother remarried, after throwing an abusive husband out of the house.

Got to run now but I hope I can spend more time on this blog tomorrow.

Claiming Ignorance

Is your adopted child 20 years old? Because if they are not, then you have no damn excuse for not “knowing”. You screwed up, not anyone else that didn’t “tell you” about adoption trauma.

It’s disheartening and disgraceful to hear that so many adoptive parents still claim ignorance about the potential trauma and negative aspects of adoption for the child when they adopted. We need to acknowledge that this information has been available for well over a decade.

In fact, twenty years ago, the book “The Primal Wound” shed light on the emotional challenges faced by adoptees. It highlighted the deep-rooted impact of separation from birth parents and the lifelong journey of healing and identity formation. Since then, numerous studies, research papers, and personal narratives have further contributed to our understanding.

So what is your excuse?

You didn’t dig deep enough?

No one told you?

You assumed?

None of that matters, because when you are seeking to bring another human into your home and you are strangers and that human is losing their entire family, you should have KNOWN! I don’t care what year it was. It’s logical. That should have been an automatic red flag that “hey, this could be hard for this child, maybe I better research more”.

That’s what a selfish desire does, it suppresses the reality.

The ones that don’t own that need to rethink that stance. You screwed up. Before you take that personally and share how you are the exception, really think about it. Did you do the work before you adopted? Or did you just take the word of others because you wanted what you wanted.

The above are thoughts posted in my all things adoption group. Thinking about ignorance – I went looking and found this – LINK>What It Means to Claim Your Ignorance (there is much more at the link). A couple of excerpts . . .

Ignorance without a desire to do something about it is avoidance. We simply do not know everything, nor can we expect to. Maybe we never learned, or we were exposed to only one part of a larger ecosystem.

I am willing to claim my ignorance because it opens me to learning what I don’t know. I am willing to claim my ignorance because it helps me open my ears and my heart for deeper listening. It opens the door for those (adult adoptees) who have experience and expertise to share what they have to contribute.

No Man In Sight

At least one mom in my own mom’s group decided to have a child with no man in sight. For same sex female couples who want children but want to be ethical about doing the right thing, what are the options ? One offers her experience.

I’m a queer parent to a donor-conceived child and also have adopted kids through foster care.

The topic has come up before but is always interesting to me and just inherently homophobic—that women who have conceived a child by having sex are encouraged to keep and raise the child – no matter what: mental health issues, extreme poverty, abusive partners—but then, queer people are told there’s no ethical way to have a child. So somehow sex with a man makes it ethical and idealized?? So having sex gives you a right to parent – no matter what, and if you can’t get pregnant by having sex, you have no right to have children and should go mentor kids….there’s just no way to view this stance as anything but homophobia.

The ethics of sperm donation, in my opinion, based on learning from donor conceived people and also my experience as someone abandoned by my father, is that anonymous sperm donation is not ethical. I chose to conceive with a known donor who has no interest in parenting/co-parenting but is a known and present figure in our lives. [blogger’s note – I agree that any reproductive donors ought to be known. Every person should have access to their genetic background.]

Fostering is a different story. When we went into it, we were open to adopting (if things went that way) but really tried to approach it as us supporting a family in crisis by being that safe healthy person who could watch the kid(s) until the parents got back on their feet. We fostered 8 children and have adopted 4, which statistically is in line with our state’s averages that 50% of placements reunify. Our first adoptee has 3 siblings in two different families, neither of which was willing to take her. Our second adoption is a sibling set of three, with few healthy family members, a lot of criminal involvement and in incarceration, and years of trying to find a way for parents or family to be a resource. There were only a couple of healthy family members but they were unwilling to take on 3 young children. Unlike the usual assumptions, we had zero plans to adopt them and would have gladly welcomed family for them. Yet if we didn’t adopt them, they would have been moved again to non-relatives, which would have increased their trauma, so we did the right thing for them. I don’t say this for any accolades—I say it because the reality for these kids is that at this moment in time, we’re their best option.

So yes, in my opinion, there are ways to ethically raise children, even if you can’t have sex with a man.

Society’s Unseen Realities

For some time now, I’ve been slowly reading through The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra. I’ve always been fascinated by the science of physics, even though I may not totally understand a lot of it. I’ve almost finished Capra’s book and the big thing I took away from it is how interconnected EVERYTHING is.

So it was that I was attracted to a Medium piece – LINK>Exploring Quantum Connections in Adoption by Shane Bouel. You may or may not be able to read it. I will excerpt some parts in case.

Shane notes – “The state of one entangled particle instantly influences the other, similar to how the separation of a mother and child through adoption can have far-reaching emotional consequences.” The separation of a mother from her child leads to complex emotions and psychological challenges for both of them. Adoptees may experience conflicting emotions as they navigate their relationships with both their birth mother and adoptive family. Birth mothers, too, may grapple with complex emotions related to the decision or lack of, to place their child for adoption. He says that “Ultimately, the goal is to create a more empathetic and compassionate environment for adoptees and their birth families.” His goal is my goal in publishing this blog as well.

An intricate web of relationships connect individuals to their environment. Quantum mechanics finds that particles are interconnected and influence each other’s states – regardless of distance. The concept of attachment has a parallel in the idea of entanglement. Particles are intrinsically linked. Adoptees navigate the uncharted territory of identity and belonging. The separation experienced by adopted individuals parallels the entangled state of particles. The emotional journey of adoptees . . . is intertwined with societal perceptions, recognition, and acknowledgment.

Dr Sue Morter delivered the message at Agape last Sunday and photons were very much a part of how she described energy acting. Shane writes – “Quantum mechanics, traditionally applied to the microscopic realm, is gradually revealing its influence on macroscopic effects, including DNA interactions and biophoton communication within the body. This bridge between the quantum and the macroscopic echoes the connection between the unseen emotional trauma of adoption and its far-reaching implications on adoptees’ lives.” And in fact, in Capra’s book, he describes the understandings being applied on a large scale to the whole cosmos.

Shane emphasizes – “The historical instances of forced adoption and exploitation highlight the need for societal acknowledgment and reconciliation.” In conclusion, he says “. . . the emotional threads of adoption connect lives in ways we may not fully perceive.”

Shane’s writing seeks to lift standards of ethics and morality related to adoption by sharing the truth he perceives and has experienced.

Deconstructing The Fantasy

Today’s question from an adoptee – How do you guys start reframing your minds and deconstructing the lies and fantasy you were told ?

I’m 27. I was lied to – until I was 13 and then, told I was adopted and to not let my adoptive mother know, I knew. I hid it, was able to find my siblings and develop a relationship with them, and then, my adoptive mom found out and forbid me from speaking to them, till I was out of her house.

It was the usual spiel. “we CHOSE You.” We took you in, when your own family didn’t want you. You’re special because we picked you. Your parents didn’t want you. Your biological family chose drugs over you. They never wanted you, but they wanted your siblings. We cared for you and took you in and loved you, and you need to be grateful about that because you could have ended up somewhere so much worse. You owe us your gratitude.

Y’know. The usual drama.

Now at 27, my adoptive father, whom I loved dearly passed. I’m no contact with my adoptive mother now for nearly 6 years. My biological mom and I have a relationship but there is nothing maternal to it. And my biological dad passed away 2 years ago from cancer.

I’m trying to deconstruct my thoughts. For the longest time I was proud of being chosen. Proud of being wanted. But then, it became manipulative with abuse tactics and the usual nonsense, when you’re raised by a narcissist. And I realized, I was nothing more than a trophy to show off how good of a person she was. Anything off about me was squashed and medicated, so I appeared functional and perfect for her little charade. I was frequently threatened with medication changes, or to be sent back to foster care. Looking back, I’m realizing how much the things drilled into me, traumatized me. How much I struggled with feeling secure. How I never felt like I belonged. I struggled with all the questions about why I wasn’t wanted, why they wanted my sisters, why I wasn’t good enough.

I’ve done therapy. I’ve tried to process it but finding a good therapist that understands adoption trauma is hard. I’m tired of slipping up. Calling her my birth mom, not calling the other one my adoptive mom. I truly view her as nothing more than someone who attempted to raise me, but failed horrifically. She isn’t “mom”. I call her by her first name. But it’s so hard and confusing in conversations to not slip up or have to explain and answer the questions that follow.

How did you deconstruct your adoption and how do you handle using the terms that make you comfortable, when it causes confusion for others.

Another adoptee replied – I think that deconstructing anything is a life long process. Much like trauma. There will always be times when we get hit with those feelings and responses. We can just keep plugging away at the work. When those things pop up I write. Pretty much just word vomit onto the page. It keeps the thoughts from having too much power. But I rarely worry how others view the language I use to describe my experiences. I have a terrible first mother, I have a negative nickname for her that I use everywhere but this group. I don’t need other people to understand it, but just respect it. It is all so hard and you are not alone.

Another woman who has been through the mill (I won’t go into all the ways because that isn’t necessary in this context but good to know where her feelings and perspective come from), says – collect the things you were told by your adoptive parent. And next to each, write what is the truth. And regarding her biological mom – don’t chase Love that was never given to you. Keep a superficial relationship and be thankful for what you’ve got. Some adoptees don’t have a biological mother that loved them or wanted them. Cherish the small wins. You did not receive unconditional love owed it to you by not one but two women. Now you need to be a parent to your inner child and keep repeating to yourself: “You are beautiful, you are sweet, I love you so much, You are my whole world.” All of the words your mothers should have said to you. You need to become a mother to your inner child. At the same time, heal from narcissistic abuse and from having a distant biological mother.

One adoptee shares – I was told that God gave me to them. That my birth mom was on drugs and knew she couldn’t be a mom, so she wanted me to have a better life. I was abused. I met my birth mom and there was family on my dad’s side who wanted me. I’m 38. It took a long time to make peace with all of it. Just accepting that everyone involved was messed up in the head. I can only do better for my own children and stop the generational curses on both sides. I know your pain, honestly having my own children and changing the script, is what has helped me the most.

An adoptive mother admits – I am deconditioning (perhaps, that is different than deconstructing) from everything I was fed, took on, believed about adoption. I tried therapy and still partake as needed, yet this is not what I’m talking about. Rather truly getting to the energetics of loss. The real transformation within me is inner child work and neuroplasticity brain retraining. This healing is an inside job. I spent a lot of time on this path and am finally seeing and miraculously feeling some results. They are not dependent on what anyone else thinks or feels about me. (Although positive relationships expedite the process.) It is definitely improving my relationship with my son. I’m less of a head case.

Another adoptee writes – It’s a work in progress. We have similar stories. I was told endless lies by my adoptive parents. I also experienced abuse and emotional neglect. The biggest issue which led to estrangement was that they did not tell me I had a brother, who they also tried to adopt. Once I met him and was getting to know him, the reality of what they concealed from me truly hit me and I cut them off. I cannot cope with them in my life, knowing they stole the opportunity for me and my brother to be in each other’s lives during childhood. These adoptive parents who enforce sibling separation, and even lie about existence of siblings, are the most evil of evil. I have a support system – my husband and in laws. I am doing what I can to build a relationship with my brother now and trying not to let the fact that we lost so much time consume me. Therapy. I’m looking at a career change. I would like to help other adoptees cope with similar issues. I feel better with my adoptive parents out of my life, they were toxic and unapologetic and I was in denial. I lost my adoptive sister due to their actions as well (she is estranged from all of us). They caused nothing but pain for me and I finally said enough is enough. All I can do is hope I’m capable of building relationships in the future and that they haven’t destroyed my ability to do so and continue to work on that. Personal growth and no backsliding, not letting myself wallow in pain.

An adoptee shared – I finally found a therapist that’s not only adoption trained, but an adoptee herself. The difference is amazing – previous therapists just had no understanding. So make it your mission to find that. Not easy, but worth it.