When “Mom” Isn’t Mom

Today’s story is not from the source of the image above but seemed to fit anyway. It begins with – “I’m struggling so much with the hurt feelings of the biological mom.”

In 2020, my littles (ages 4 and 5 – siblings) were removed from their biological mom and initially lived with their grandma. I was a childcare provider in a large daycare center and they were in my toddler classroom (they were only 1 and 2 years old at the time). These siblings were super attached to each other, the older one protecting their younger sibling. They had trauma and food insecurity, neglect etc. I bonded with these two kids and loved having them in my class.

Then one day, after about 6 months into being in my classroom, they were abruptly given up by their Grandma (she was really struggling with the behaviors of the older one and was already raising her older two grandchildren from the same biological mom). She just couldn’t handle it anymore. So they were just gone one day, and the caseworker didn’t give us at the daycare very much info. I assumed at the time they were together. This was summer 2021.

Fast forward to Autumn 2022 and I bumped into the younger sibling with her foster family at a pumpkin patch and instantly started looking for the older sibling. I found out they had been separated and placed into separate foster homes, and more than once because they were deemed behavioral problems. I emailed Child Protective Services and did some digging. I offered both a home together with me and my own biological kids (5, 16 and 17). I did all the paperwork and training and the siblings moved in Jan 2023.

Here’s the dilemma, in the 2.5 years they were in the foster care system, their biological mom has done nothing to achieve reunification. She does show up for some visits, I think 7 total in the whole year. I applied for sole custody (decision making responsibilities) and she agreed, both fathers are incarcerated. She does believe she’ll get them back some day. I’ve offered them a permanent stable home and I will continue to supervise visits with her and the children, when she’s able to make it to visits. I’ve agreed to at least once a month, but it’s understood that at this time, I will be raising these children.

Both children started calling me “mom” within a couple months of moving in. At first I corrected them but it really hurt their feelings and I realized these kids just need a “mom” in title and I absolutely love them as if they’re my own. They also have chosen to call their biological mom by her first name, even though I always refer to her as Mommy. This is something they’ve been doing since before they moved in with me. This hurts her feelings so much and she spends much of the visit correcting them, which frustrates them.

How do I handle this gracefully? Or is this just going to be something that we’ll be living with? The children also run to me if they’re injured or scared and she’s gotten upset about that too. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but something has to give. In almost three years, she hasn’t become stable enough to care for them. She has suffered from addiction but is currently clean. I’m proud of her for achieving this but I’m scared the kid’s behavior towards me will trigger a relapse.

I’m open to all suggestions on how others may have navigated this part of the journey. Thanks!

One person shared – We try to honor all the mothers our niece and nephew have had. We refer to them as “momma – first name.” I’m momma Krista, they also refer to their bio mom and prior foster moms in the same manner. Perhaps this would be a good middle ground?

An adoptive mother notes – This is an emotionally tough situation, for everyone involved. It sounds like you are being flexible and respectful to all involved, and holding space for the kids to maneuver and decide for themselves what they need. I suspect it will continue to be an evolution.

Another one writes – I think this is a great time to have a conversation with her alone as suggested. It sounds as if she trusts you as a caregiver which is a huge plus. First/birth parents often struggle with seeing their children call another person mommy/daddy. And they do see themselves as being in a position someday to parent again. They typically experience significant loss and it can be a gut punch, regardless of the decisions that have created this unfortunate situation. Approach it from a standpoint of letting her know you are not trying to take her title, however young children will naturally gravitate to using mom/dad because they have to label people. We all do. They are also hearing your other children call you mom and its natural for them to do the same. Let her know that your only goal is to provide love, guidance and support for the children. See if she is ok with them calling you mommy Tish and them calling her mommy “her name”. This may not feel good but it may be a middle ground. Those babies do see you as mom. You are their safety and comfort. They don’t understand all the other stuff, so it makes sense that it would confuse them. This will be a challenging situation but helping her understand that she is still an important part of their lives should be the focus. This is heavy stuff. Breathe deeply through it.

Another said something similar – Sit down with her (and not in the presence of the kids) and tell her to stop correcting them when they call you mom because you are ALSO “their mother” now. You are the one doing all the “mom” things all the time. This doesn’t take away from the truth that she gave birth to them but she has to know her role at the moment in the play we call Life. Remind her, that when they get hurt they’re going to run to you because you’re the one who takes care of them day in and day out. Tell her it’s like when your sibling comes over with their kids, they will love on you and stuff but if anything goes south those kids are going to run to your sibling, even though you’re their aunt and very close.

Withholding Sibling Contact

Though this happens all too often, it is generally believed that sibling relationships matter and that they are very important when a family has been fractured. So, today’s story is heart concerning.

I am an adoptive parent of 2 former foster care youths. They are not related to one another. The youngest just turned 5. When we were in the process of adopting her, the social worker told us she had other (half) siblings that were also in the system and about to be adopted with another sibling of theirs. We asked about any visits they had and the social worker said “Oh, they don’t even know about her. We never did any visits or anything, it doesn’t matter, they are going to be adopted to another family with their other younger half brother.” I’m not in agreement about them not needing to know.

Eventually, I was able to get their first names and the name of their other sibling. I did some internet digging, their names aren’t super common, so I literally googled their first names. This led me to an obituary that had them listed as grandchildren. Then, I jumped on social media and looked up the names of the children listed and came across a public Instagram account belonging to the adoptive father. He had some photos of the kids with their names, from when they first came into his home.

I sat on it for a bit but decided to reach out via direct message. I introduced myself and acknowledged this may come across as a strange message and mentioned that I wasn’t sure if they were aware of their sister’s existence (there’s an additional sibling now too). I said I’d like to connect the kids, if possible. I got a response that was just “please call me” with the phone number. I was in the middle of bedtime, so I said I’d message when I was done and if it wasn’t too late for them (different time zones), I’d call.

So I call, it’s a bit late, but they insisted. It was an odd call for a number of reasons. He did most of the talking. It was a 90 minute call. He did make a point of telling me that it’s not that he doesn’t think their other siblings aren’t important but that they continuously emphasize that the siblings they now live with are their “real” siblings and the only ones that really matter. I was a bit surprised at the amount of negative things he shared about them (these poor kids have been through a lot). As this was a first meeting, it felt awkward having him kind of airing their dirty laundry so-to-speak.

He kept saying he had to take back the reigns from the oldest, she had always acted like a mother hen, but he’s the parent and he’s in charge now. He also said they had some contact with another sibling (unrelated to our daughter), but they cut it off because it seemed like any time they had any reminder of anyone from their past, they would “all just act like stupid little jerks.”…Wow.

One thing I did find out was, they had almost zero information on the dad or any photos. I don’t have a ton of info, but the basics, name, birthday, home town and I do have some photos, so I agreed to share them and sent them over after the call.

It was pretty obvious from the conversation that he didn’t think it was a good idea for any contact now between the kids. What caught me off guard was the message I received the next morning…I realize I may be reading into this. But this is the response I got – Right now is not the right time for my kids to see or even interact with their younger sister. Pleases respect our privacy. The siblings still need to get on track and work through their own trauma. We can revisit this in 5 years (or more) when I think they are ready.

I agree his kids need to be his number one priority. But I wonder if denying any contact between the siblings for 5 or more years will have negative impact. In 5 years, my daughter will be 10, his kids will be 14 and 16. I’m also wondering how to best approach this with my daughter, as our older child does have a relationship with her brothers. She knows their names, she knows they exist, she’s seen like the 2 pictures I got from his social media, but it sounds like that’s going to be the end of the road for a while.

(We are supposed to start working with a trauma informed adoption competent therapist in the next few months but haven’t started yet as we’ve been on the wait list. We had someone else lined up but we didn’t continue with that one due to her stating how lucky they were to be adopted into our family.)

I’m curious about the experiences from both angles. Both if your adoptive parent withheld sibling contact and family information and from those that wanted it but were blocked by your sibling’s adoptive parents. The man has since either deleted his Instagram or has blocked me.

An adoptee that is also a former foster care youth responded – Reading this has made me so mad. I find it disgusting that people think it’s acceptable to adopt children and play god with their lives and determine what they have a right to know ABOUT THEMSELVES.

I would be honest and open with your little one from the get go. She has siblings, they live X with X, unfortunately, she can’t have contact right now due to circumstances beyond your control but you are trying to establish contact.

I would look to contact the adoption agency that placed them, try and contact them and have a formal attempt at establishing contact via those channels.

I’d also be looking at getting damages/compensation from Child Protective Services for not considering/proper management of placement. Not establishing sibling relationships and creating additional trauma.

I had 7 sibling who went in to care with me, and was only allowed contact with one. By the time I was 16, I had messaged them all on Facebook and went through a horrible and traumatic time.

I also discovered in my twenties I have a further 3 siblings who were in care that I don’t know the names or details about, and it makes me angry and sick everyday that there are people walking around and I don’t get to know them because of someone else’s selfish decisions.

That man is going to cause those children UNTOLD damage and based on the things you’ve shared, it’ll be a miracle if they’re still even with him, by the time they are 16.

Boundary Issues

My husband has always been a “king of my castle, captain of my ship” kind of man (which understandably has caused some issues between us). After our oldest son was born, my husband’s parents (who were our next door neighbors) came over every afternoon to help me out, so I could attend to some of the work that depends on me for our home based business. Eventually, he simply could not tolerate them being around so much but put the burden on me to tell them. Fortunately, I could break it to them gently.

The man in today’s story, reminded me of that, but thankfully, my husband was not raised so hard core. Here’s the background (not my own story) – My husband grew up in a family with corporal punishment – where if you didn’t respect your elders there was a big problem. We did tons of therapy and it helped a lot but it just never got us to where there wasn’t a major fight at least once a week or two, that ended with breaking things or running away (which I don’t hold against my foster son one bit but it is what it is). There was also a “territorial-ness” between the two of them, which I hate but I understand it because I’ve seen it with other people who were staying at my house. Like my husband wants to come home and have his space and suddenly the house feels too small. Not a big deal at all, short term, but it wears on you after a long while. She claims – These are all so stupid, which is why its so hard for us to not want to try to help out… (a former foster son that has been in their home). This foster son has not experienced stability. He is now 14 years old and so, it is unlikely he’ll be adopted (though currently there is an attempt that may fail). It is more likely he will age out in foster care.

She wanted to know – if I’m not willing to commit to helping him all the way and adopting him, am I just leading him on by trying to be there for him and causing more trauma ? She asked – For former foster youths, what would you want ? Did any of you benefit from having a role like that in your life and what did it look like ? She also notes that this boy and his biological dad are still close and we definitely would let them continue their relationship, while he’s with us (of course).

(blogger’s note – I would add that setting boundaries with teens is NEVER easy.)

Some responses – Why can’t your husband get along with him ? My biological teens and I don’t always see eye to eye on everything and there are some outbursts but we talk and work it out… The original poster commented – great question. I think its very difficult to have patience for any teenager, but if you birth them or adopt them, you have to deal with it.

She was asked – why doesn’t your husband get along with him ? The woman replied – they requested placement for him in June or July and they said it would only be until the end of summer. That he wouldn’t be starting school with us. (blogger’s note – not certain that is actually an answer to this question.) Someone else came in to clarify and chastise – He wasn’t good “enough” for your husband and now has been adopted. It sounds like he may be having difficulties with his adoptive parents. He and your husband butt heads (putting it nicely) which ends up in loud clashes and things breaking in the house. That’s traumatic in and of itself.

You say things aren’t going well and the adoption may “fall through.” How convenient for foster parents and adoptive parents to just throw away their foster child/adoptive child. Instead of working on their issues. Just throw the child away. This makes my blood freaking BOIL! Parents don’t usually do this with their biological children.

How on earth are you helping this child, when he’s been rejected by your family already ? Why can’t the child just move in with their biological dad ? You are not the right fit for this child. If his adoptive parents aren’t willing to do the work, and your family wasn’t willing to do the work, AND he has a good relationship with his biological dad, why wouldn’t THAT be the goal – instead of sending him back to your home, where you already rejected him before AND he clashes with your husband “at least once a week”?!!!

Do this child a favor and WALK AWAY. You’re not the right fit for him. This post infuriated me. Why continue to triangulate his relationships ? I’m seeing RED, when I read your responses. Don’t come here and expect absolution. This poor kid!!!!!

The original poster’s response was – he was in another home that closed before us. His dad was on his last month of his program and doing great.

The response to that was – if his dad is doing so good, why isn’t the child with him ?!? I understand that it’s not your fault – it’s what the system does – but grrrrr – IF PARENTS ARE DOING GOOD, THEN RETURN THEM TO THEIR PARENTS!!!! The whole point of foster care is to love these kids, until they can go home. Yes, it will absolutely cause more trauma, bouncing around like a ping pong.

Someone else noted – Teens can be tough, whether they are biological, adoptive, foster, etc. That doesn’t mean you give up. You should have learned in training that every move is trauma. You are stringing this kid along, who needs someone in his corner, who will help him. You admit that your husband is fighting him. Kids and parents are going to argue (particularly teens), but this sounds well outside the realm of “normal” and by your description, it sounds like your husband is the one triggering most of it. If you can’t handle normal teenage behavior (disobedience is normal), you have no place to try to take this young man back into your home.

Bottom line from someone else – as someone who had to stay months at a time with kin who didn’t want me in their space, let me just say that I’d rather sleep anywhere else safe, than in a space I am unwanted. The feeling of being unwanted is horrid. Don’t invite him into your home, if your husband values his space more than this child.

Difficult Father Issues

Today’s story – my 13 year old’s biological father wants to terminate his parental rights and the only way the state will allow that to happen is if my husband adopts my child. This is not something I ever wanted to happen and I tried very hard to avoid things getting to this point.

In the past under joint custody, he has refused to consent to therapy, refused to allow the children to take their medication, changed their class placements against their will, withdrawn them from extracurriculars, cancelled doctors appointments, picked up their glasses from the eye doctor and then, refused to give them back to us, etc… it’s just been a lot. At this point, he also hasn’t seen our child for the last four years, by his own choice. My husband is already raising my child and has been for most of their life. They already live here 100% of the time. So, logistically, this would not change anything.

If we do the adoption, I will be able to get my child back in therapy, to help them begin to work through all of this. Also with the adoption, comes the option for them to change their last name. They have their biological father’s last name. They are ADAMANT that they want to get rid of his last name and take mine. I did not change my name, when I got married. So it isn’t my husband’s last name. My last name is pretty important to me. I never knew my biological father or anything about him, and my mother did not raise me (I was a kinship adoptee). My last name has always felt like a connection myself, if that makes sense. It’s one of the very few things I can trace through generations and say ”this is where I came from.” My child knows this and I think wants to have a part of that as well.

All of that said, I feel weird about changing their name. So, I wonder if I should encourage them to keep his last name. There is a lot of trauma and hurt associated with that name for them. My hesitation is – do I feel they are old enough to have the final say in this. I really never wanted this for them and I am feeling horribly guilty about all of it.

Someone shared their personal experience – My husband adopted my child (this was an adult adoption), we asked their input and what they wanted. We made it clear it was 100% their choice and in no way did we want to influence such a big decision either way but we discussed scenarios and options in length and made them wait a while to make sure they still wanted it changed and it wasn’t out of spite or anger or a split second decision.

This is a different scenario than an adoption of a young child who cannot consent (this was really hard for me to accept but necessary to understand). Your child is consenting and wants their name changed. Names are very triggering, even for my adult child, when they hear their original name it always makes them lose their breath. It is ok to change their name, it’s ok!

Another person confirmed – in my state the court will not terminate the parental rights of a father, if there is a step-parent who could adopt. A father can’t terminate his rights without adoption because legally, it leaves the child fatherless. It’s something that, if allowed, could lead to parents requesting termination to avoid being required to support their children.

Wound In The Soul

An adoptee writes – last month I reached out to my mom (biological) and how hurt I was that it went unanswered. She responded the other day, it looks like we’re going to give it another shot. I’m not really looking for anything, just sharing. I’m hopeful but really nervous. We’ll see. And if nothing else, I will know I tried.

She added, I just saw a screen shot of an adoptive parent talking about the kids being “MINE” – if you’re an adoptive parent you should know you don’t own the kid you adopt, we grow up and and into ourselves, we don’t owe adoptive parents our lives or even a connection.

There is no amount of lying, guilt tripping, manipulating, or being so great and or loving that, for some of us, could ever possibly fill the gaping wound in our souls for our actual biological family.

An adoptee suggested – Hopefully you both will try. No expectations except to be yourselves and get to know the other at this place of your lives. Maybe you can have some unanswered questions answered that will be meaningful for you. Wishing you everything you wish for yourselves.

Yet another sympathized – Wishing you good luck in your reconnection. My messages went unanswered for awhile as well. Just know you’re not alone and there is always hope for a good outcome.

Another adoptee chimed in with this suggestion – Adopters (and foster caregivers): STOP forcing/suggesting the children in your care call you their parent/mom/dad. YOU.ARE.NOT.OUR.PARENT. You are our “caregiver”. Stop pushing your imaginary narrative on Adoptees.

Another adoptee notes – I don’t understand how people genuinely think they own other people. We own ourselves. We share ourselves with those we want to. No one else can claim us, regardless of whether they have paperwork. We aren’t cars that they just get a title to and then own. Some adoptive parents overshare about their adopted kids on public social media, when the children are too young to consent and were adopted at a young age. Their biological parents might have eventually be able to care for them again. If it’s not about ownership, why not enable the parents to keep their kids or be temporary guardians rather than adopting their children ?

Yet another notes – Some people just don’t appreciate that adults are entitled to make their own decisions. My biological family spent years guilt tripping me and demanding that I see my biological mom because she was dying from cancer. I remember being told “she gave you life,” as if I’m indebted to her for all of eternity. She wasn’t there when I was sick and scared as a child. She never acted like a mother to me but I was supposed to step up and comfort her when she was sick ? Having and raising children is the reward for parents. There are no additional requirements to apply.

This one further explains – my biological parent gave me away to someone else to raise (I was not adopted). Then, when I was forced at 13 years old to go live with my biological mom. She blamed me for loving the person who raised me, who walked me to school the first day of kindergarten, who stayed up all night with me when sick, who (although she was not able to walk herself on her own) encouraged me to take first steps, who taught me all she knew with only a second grade education, who basically treated me like her child – while my mother lived her life as if I didn’t exist. She also blamed me for having some of the same mannerisms as the person who she had left me with. In other words, my mother blamed me for her bad decision and took her resentment out on me physically.

Which brings this person to this realization – shitty people will do shitty things to the people around them. Yes, it may be easier to forgive a biological parent for their actions, than it is to forgive an adoptive parent, but in my opinion – people are people and some people do things that hurt others. As people, we all are not perfect, and we all make mistakes, and our mistakes affect those around us, kids or adults.

To which one notes that sadly neither were some adoptive parents. So it is a matter of perspective. I was to be the cure for my adoptive mother’s “drinking problem” aka alcoholism. Guess what? It did not work.

Someone said – pretending like having a kid makes you a mother is also a false narrative. A mother is a lot more than just birthing a kid, and it is a lot more than just supporting that kid as they grow. Adoptive parents can be terrible people, because they’re people, not because they happen to have adopted kids, just like some biological parents are terrible people too. There are as many stories of terrible relationships between biological parents and their kids as there are of adoptive parents and their adopted children.

The one who started this goes on to note – I don’t like the assumption that mom and dad can be transferred so easily and based off opinions of people who really have no idea. How adopted people view their biological parents is up to them but from the outside, to claim to know who’s who, if someone is a mom or dad, seems wrong. I know how I view my biological parents and adoptive parents.

I guess the specific question of how a biological mom views herself would be for a first mom to chime in on, they know what they live. Maybe some would agree with you. I honestly don’t know. As far as saying things like “some biological parents are terrible too” and “there are as many stories of terrible relationships between biological parents and their kids, as there are of adoptive parents and their adopted children.” I am going to argue that.

I have not just seen in my own life how differently biological parents are towards their biological child vs an adopted one, even if they are bad parents, the relationship seems to be stronger, there is a natural pull. And of course, no, not always. But I don’t think you can claim those biological vs adoptive relationships are on equal ground, as far too many are not at all.

And, going a step further, I disagree with some adoptive parents not being terrible because they’re adoptive parents. I honestly believe that some could have chosen not to adopt, not to try and fulfill their wants, and avoided the stress the adopted child came with and turned into the person they did.

I think that some adoptive parents are so incredibly naive and by the time they realize the mess they’ve made from getting someone else’s child, it’s too late. They can’t / won’t back out, give the kid back, etc. and they become resentful, they might become abusive and yes, bad people – as an outcome of choosing to be adoptive parents.

Born Twice

At his website, LINK>David Bohl writes – I am often asked about the title of my memoir, Parallel Universes, and how I came up with it. There are many different reasons it fits for me, but the simplest explanation is that I needed to describe what it was like to be born twice during one lifetime—as someone who had been relinquished at birth and as someone who recovered from addiction and healed from trauma. And I also needed a title not just to my book, but to my life, something that would be stamped into the fabric of my world and signal both to me and to others as to what sort of story I’d been living.

Being able to share stories is what makes us feel less alone; it’s what connects us more than anything. Sharing stories is also how we honor and acknowledge both our pain and our joy, how we situate ourselves among others, and how we relate. Being able to share and being known is one of the first steps to healing. blogger’s note – I believe this. That is why I am often sharing other people’s stories – because we are able to learn from their experiences.

It’s a human pursuit to look for the meaning of life, to try to make sense of the world and of our past. Stories also inform how we might act in the future. He notes – I didn’t arrive at my Parallel Universe place out of the blue nor easily. I had to face my Reality, however painful, and I had to look back into my past for some answers. I got enough context that I was able to develop that narrative.

Every abandoned person has to acknowledge that there was a family of origin, but how they deal with that is unique to each person. blogger’s note – even for the child of two adoptees, it was somewhat startling to come to grips that there were these other people, to whom I am genetically related, out there living lives I was totally unaware of, as they were also totally unaware of me.

My own dad was one of these – There are people who prefer not to know anything about their origins, who don’t consider the alternative reality that never was – where they grow up with different parents and in different circumstances. And there are people for whom this knowledge is essential and who find solace in putting as many puzzle pieces together as possible. blogger’s note – And that one was me.

He end with this thought – There is no wrong or right way to do this. I’ve talked with people who shared that their apprehension comes from not being able to find closure and not wanting to add to their problems. There are people who have tried to find closure and ended up further traumatized. There are people like me for whom those findings were a bitter-sweet discovery, one that I’m still processing and probably will process for the rest of my life. What unites all of us is that we all need some kind of a narrative to our life to simply make sense of it.

Swear Vent and Color

I could be therapeutic. I have enjoyed coloring at various times in my life – don’t really have time now. I’m not an “angry” adoptee (just the child of two adoptees that found each other). However, this looks like a really fun way to release some emotions.

From LINK>Amazon where this book is available – The creators hope that being able to vent your feelings and thoughts in this Coloring & Journal book helps you along your healing journey.

Why an angry sweary coloring & journal book? Because punching people in the face is frowned upon, and anger isn’t great for your overall mental and physical health, if you hold on to it – so just let it all out !

As an adult adoptee that struggles with the 7 core issues of being adopted (loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control), I have created this therapeutic coloring book with angry quotes, original sweary coloring illustrations & patterns, journaling prompts and blank doodling pages (extra journal & doodle pages are included at the back).

A beneficial companion to therapy – the coloring pages will help reduce stress and anxiety, promoting mindfulness and reflection as you release your inner most angriest feelings about being adopted, adoption trauma, adoption laws, discrimination, and the adoption industry as a whole.

You don’t have to follow the journaling prompts, you can just write all your thoughts and feelings anywhere you please – this is YOUR healing journey and there are no rules.!

Helpful Tip – Don’t use felt tip markers – it might seep through to the next page. You can use colored pencils or even crayons, if you have them.

PS – I don’t know if the creators or Amazon put those “censored” stickers on the book cover but this was the only illustration I found.

Foster Parents and Trauma

I just read a post from a hopeful adoptive parent who is kin to a child and would like to adopt them out of foster care – “I just found a Go Fund Me for the foster moms fighting us for custody of my cousin. Is there a point where it really is better for my cousin to stay where he’s at ? They keep arguing about the trauma the move will cause. He just turned a year old recently. They make me feel like a monster for trying to step up and keep him connected to his biological family and that I’ll cause him significant trauma.”

And there was this reply from someone who was in foster care during their youth – Trauma lol. Let that child be a child they don’t want – they could care less about trauma. I was in 24 foster homes. Foster parents don’t pull the trauma card or bonding card with kids they don’t want.

Right now they’re lying and hoping to drag the case out. The truth is they’re causing trauma. I’m sorry to say this but being ripped away from your foster family can’t be compared to being ripped away from your biological family. They want to compare it but they can’t. It’s more painful to be ripped away from your biological family than a foster family. A foster family, you don’t lose anything. Losing your biological family causes life long issues. They want to sound important but they’re not.

And I speak as someone who had only one good foster home (out of 24). Explain how adoption is legal after kids spend years in foster care or with their caregiver, only to be ripped away. My advice is fight until the end. It’s better to be fought for. One day the child will know the truth.

And a foster parent writes – If they were truly concerned about the move causing more trauma they would be working with you on visits and a transition plan. This isn’t about the baby it’s about them. We’ve transitioned a little one before and by the time we made the final move he was just as bonded to his aunt as he was to us. Transitions can happen in a way that is fun and easy for the little one – IF everyone works together. I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep fighting.

Kid’s Count

Someone noted – Foster Care causes 61% of All Child Abuse in America. So I went looking and found this, at The Annie E Casey Foundation – LINK>Child Welfare and Foster Care Statistics. KIDS COUNT is a robust source of the best available data on child well-being in the nation. This includes state-by-state data on child abuse and neglect and children living in out-of-home care from the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System, the federal Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System, and the National Youth in Transition Database. These data help our Foundation and leaders across the country to monitor trends, assess the child welfare system, and advance policies and practices to improve outcomes for children, youth and families — particularly for children of color who are overrepresented in the system and more likely to experience negative outcomes.

KIDS COUNT offers more than 60 measures of child welfare, encompassing how many children and youth are in the system, the rates at which they enter it, their demographic characteristics (including race and ethnicity when available) and their experiences in foster care, exiting care, being adopted when applicable, aging out of the system and more. In addition to child welfare statistics at the national and state levels, KIDS COUNT also provides data by territory, when possible. Policymakers, child welfare agencies and others have used these data for decades to understand how well the system is meeting the needs of vulnerable children, youth and families, and how it can be strengthened so that all abused and neglected children can heal and grow up with safe, stable families.

Children and youth who experience trauma, including abuse or neglect, are at increased risk for long-term emotional, behavioral and physical health problems, among other challenges. The data measures high-risk behavior, such as juvenile justice system involvement and substance abuse, difficulties with mental health, physical health and academic performance. The consequences of child maltreatment can be mitigated with equitable access to trauma-informed services and nurturing, lasting family relationships and support.

Foster care is meant to provide safe, temporary living arrangements and support services for children who have been removed from their families due to maltreatment, lack of safety or inadequate care. The rate of children entering foster care has hovered at 3 or 4 per 1,000 for two decades. Kids ages 1 to 5 make up the largest share (29% in 2021) of children entering care. National data also show that Black and American Indian and Alaska Native children continue to be overrepresented among those entering foster care. The reasons for this are complex, and efforts to improve racial equity in child welfare have been underway for many years.

In encouraging news, placements with relatives increased from 25% to 35% during 2000–2021, while placements in group homes or other facilities were cut in half, from 18% to 9%. Fewer children are placed in pre-adoptive homes (4% in 2021) or have trial home visits (5%), and some older youth live independently with supervision (2%). Over a third of foster children and youth experience more than two placements each year, meaning their living arrangements change at least three times a year. Child welfare agencies are working to minimize these moves, as they are disruptive, stressful and often traumatizing. Stable relationships and home environments are critical for healthy child and youth development.

Of the more than 54,000 kids adopted out of the child welfare system in 2021, over half were young kids ages 1 to 5, consistent with previous years. Most of these adoptions are by the foster parents (either relatives or non-relatives), who cared for the children while in foster care. Unfortunately, the median amount of time in foster care has increased over the last decade — from 13.2 months in 2011 to 17.5 months in 2021, based on children who exited care in each year. However, the percentage of kids who spent 5+ years in care declined slightly from 7% to 5% in the same time period. Among children who exited foster care in 2021, about a third (35%) were there less than a year, while nearly half (48%) spent 1 to 3 years in care and 12% stayed in foster care 3+ years.

More than 19,000 youth left foster care in 2021 without reuniting with their parents or having another permanent family home. Thankfully, this figure has declined since peaking at nearly 30,000 in 2008. The transition to adulthood is a significant and challenging developmental phase of life for all young people, but youth aging out of foster care on their own must face this without the support of a stable, loving family. Many also lose access to services and supports that were offered to them through the foster care system. Not surprisingly, these youth and young adults are more likely to experience behavioral, mental and physical health issues, housing problems and homelessness, employment and academic difficulties, early parenthood, incarceration and other potentially lifelong adversities. In line with the racial inequities noted earlier, youth of color are more likely to experience these challenges. The trajectories of these young people are not unavoidable. They can be positively influenced by policies and practices that ensure these vulnerable youths receive culturally-responsive, trauma-informed transition services and support to navigate the steps to adulthood, achieve stability and reach their full potential.

Wondering and Asking Questions

Liann Ross

Today’s blog comes courtesy of LINK>Right To Know – who believe that “It is a fundamental human right to know your genetic identity.” I totally agree and that is what drove me to discover my own adoptee parents’ (both were adopted) origins.

She writes – “In 1998, my sister let it slip out that my parents were divorced for 3 years before I was born, thinking I already knew. I only started wondering and asking questions like…what were the circumstances of my conception ?” I remember when I was in middle school, I discovered that I had been conceived out-of-wedlock by counting the months between when my parents married and when I was born – 7, not 9.

She writes that in 2005, her Dad passed away. She says that was when she started wondering whether or not he was her biological father. Her mom was in the early stages of dementia due to Multiple Sclerosis. Her sister asked the question for her – “Is it possible that Dad is not Liann’s biological father”? Her mom immediately said, “I know he’s not”.

Liann does feel that she was lucky to be able to have a conversation with her mom and that her mom was even able to give her some answers. She was a product of an affair with a married Jewish man. So much like my own dad, who’s mother had an affair with a married man much older than her.

In 2017, she did the 23 and Me test. So much of what I know about my own origins is thanks to inexpensive commercial DNA testing. 23 and Me brought me much of what I now know about my dad’s mother through my own genetic cousins. In 2018, she did Ancestry’s DNA. I have also done both and really one should do both as what they can get from each is different. She discovered a half-brother but was asked to keep what she now knew about her genetic father a secret as he was still married and the couple had worked through years of his infidelities.

The problem for Liann was that the whole goal of her own journey was to no longer be “the secret”. So she did personal work on her own self-esteem so that she could get to a place in her own heart where she would be able to handle rejection, if that came her way again. She needed to be strong enough in who she knew herself to be, that she would know deeply that whatever her genetic relatives response to her was, it was not about her, who and how she is.

In September 2021, she sent her half-sister (who she had been asked to keep the secret from by her half-brother) a Facebook message explaining who she was, as delicately as possible given the circumstances of her own existence. Her half-sister did respond, though understandably shocked by the revelation and started asking questions. She notes that – while it was a very sensitive situation, the communication had a very different vibe than with the half-brother.

She was in therapy but her therapist ended up NOT being the right one for her. She says there is no way to understand and it is difficult trying to work through the depth of trauma this knowledge causes. She spent many years, sorting through memories and connecting the dots for her own self. She is exploring alternative modalities of healing (including inner child work/shadow work and ancestral trauma), support groups for those who experience a non-paternity event, learning self-love and connecting more deeply to her authentic self.

She admits – Finding out the man who raised me is not my biological father caused my foundation to crumble from underneath me. I had to put the puzzle pieces of my foundation back together without having the picture of what it should look like. She ends on this positive note – If there is one thing I realized through this journey, is how much of a hero my Dad actually was in my life. He raised me without question, and I know deep down he knew. That’s the kind of man he was. I feel him with me all the time and I see his name everywhere. I feel the connection we have now is even stronger than I could have imagined.