Family Secrets

Kerry Washington recently learned that her father, Earl Washington, is not her biological father. It’s news that sent her on her current journey of self-discovery. “It really turned my world upside down,” Washington tells LINK>People.

As she began to record an episode of the PBS series “Finding Your Roots” with Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., her father began experiencing panic attacks. Having held onto the secret for decades, Washington’s mom, Valerie, a professor, and dad, Earl, a real estate agent, had a private conversation with Gates, who told them it was always best for families to discuss such revelations privately prior to filming. What came next, says Washington, was a text message from her parents inviting her to a family sit-down in the spring of 2018.

“When I got this information, I was like, ‘Oh. I now know my story,'” says the star, who recalls feeling a sense of relief at the news after long feeling her parents were keeping things from her and that something was missing. “I didn’t know what my story was, but I was playing the supporting character in their story.”

Washington says she kept her calm and asked a lot of questions while trying to give her parents grace in what was clearly a difficult moment for them. She learned that they’d opted to use an anonymous sperm donor to help conceive after struggling with fertility issues and they didn’t know – and didn’t want to know – anything about the man except that he was healthy and Black. They admitted they had all but decided never to tell her.

“I think that dissonance of like, ‘Somebody is not telling me something about my body.’ made me feel like there was something in my body I had to fix,” she says of struggling for years with anxiety, self-esteem issues, and an eating disorder when she was young. She now feels those might have been symptoms of subconsciously sensing her parents’ secret.

“My parents were not thrilled about me writing this,” she notes, though the couple grew supportive throughout the process. But, says the star, “this really is a book about me. I now get to step into being the most important person in my life.” The experience ultimately added a new layer to Washington’s bond with her parents.

“I really started to have so much more love and compassion and understanding for my parents,” she says. “Taking this deep dive into our family history made me put myself in their shoes and think about the things that they’ve had to navigate and what they’ve been through and what they’ve sacrificed. And it really made me feel closer to them.”

“Writing a memoir is, by far, the most deeply personal project I have ever taken on,” Washington told People in January. “I hope that readers will receive it with open hearts and I pray that it offers new insights and perspectives, and invites people into deeper compassion — for themselves and others.”

Ethics of Destroying Families

All You Have Is Love documentary

Infant adoption has long been big business in the U.S. A typical domestic infant adoption runs between $40,000 and $70,000. Adoption entities – crisis pregnancy centers, agencies, lawyers, social workers and independent facilitators – may all profit from a finalized adoption. And the demand is huge! Each year, close to two million hopeful adoptive parents throw their well-crafted picture-perfect profiles into the adoption arena, hoping to be the chosen ones.

The documentary intends to explore, through interviews with birth family members, industry professionals and reform advocates, how the adoption process exploits expectant mothers. while providing infants to those hoping to adopt.

LINK>All You Have Is Love (hopefully coming in the Spring of 2024) is a project by Lisa Elaine Scott at Seed & Spark. She is a writer, video journalist and life-long human rights activist. The documentary will explore the challenges of an unplanned pregnancy and expose the tactics used to convince resource-less women to relinquish their babies. Most people assume that adoption is about finding parents for children when, in fact, the industry’s focus is on finding children for parents.

Is it ethical to build one family by destroying another ?

However, fewer than 1% of all pregnancies result in adoption. This means that most hoping to adopt will not. This also means that a lot of money is left on the table. So how does an industry survive with an inadequate supply? The answer: Rebrand with the promise of a “modern adoption.” Then find resource-less women and convince them that their babies are better off being raised by someone with more to give.

The documentary intends to identify the various entities in the pipeline, expose the myth of “open” adoption, and present community-based solutions and evaluate proposed regulations and reforms that will place the focus on family preservation.

Do watch the YouTube for an eye-opening view of what is really going on in adoptionland.

Narcissism

Started reading a piece by Shane Bouel on Medium titled LINK>Objectification of Adoption via Narcissism, subtitled – A Deplorable Default Truth of Adoption. I thought about the many times I have read adoptees describe their adoptive parent (usually the adoptive mother) as a narcissist. I reflected that I wasn’t sure I had ever written about that in this blog. You will need to be a “member” to read the entire Medium piece, so I will excerpt a few thoughts from his writing, until I hit the paywall myself.

He writes – The world of adoption is often portrayed as a realm of selflessness and love, where individuals make the profound choice to provide a home and family for a child in need. While this perspective is undoubtedly valid, there is an uncomfortable truth that deserves consideration: Adoption inherently invites narcissism.

[1] The Desire for Validation – One aspect that links adoption and narcissism is the inherent desire for validation. Individuals who choose to adopt may find validation in being perceived as saviors or heroes who rescue a child from a less fortunate situation. This need for external validation can be a manifestation of narcissistic tendencies, where one’s self-worth is closely tied to the approval and admiration of others.

[2] Control and Ownership – Another element to consider is the sense of control and ownership that adoption can bring. The act of adopting a child can be perceived as an assertion of power and control over another person’s life. This desire for control aligns with narcissistic traits, as narcissists often seek to dominate and exert influence over those around them.

[3] Idealized Self-Image – Narcissists tend to have an idealized self-image, and adoption can serve as a means to further enhance this image. Adoptive parents may view themselves as exceptionally kind, generous, and selfless, reinforcing their own positive self-perception. The adoption narrative can be a platform for bolstering the idealized self-image of those involved.

[4] Manipulation of Empathy – Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate and elicit empathy from others. In the context of adoption, this manipulation can take the form of presenting themselves as selfless and virtuous individuals who are solely focused on the well-being of the child. This calculated display of empathy can be a…

(and I hit the paywall – I’m not really ready to go back to paying at this time).

I found a LINK>to Shane on FB, where he says this about his piece on Medium – This article delves into the complex dynamics at play, highlighting how the desire to adopt can intertwine with narcissistic tendencies and exploring the potential consequences of this intersection.

The truth of adoption is an uncomfortable reality that cannot be ignored. While adoption is often depicted as a selfless act driven by love and compassion, the underlying complexities reveal a darker side. Behind the heartwarming narratives lie stories of loss, identity struggles, and the commodification of vulnerable lives. The default truth of adoption encompasses the harsh realities of a system that can perpetuate secrecy, discrimination, and emotional trauma.

Why? Because the foundation of adoption is rooted in trauma, as long as the baby scoop era and forced adoption existed, adoption will be tarred with the same brush. Supporting saviorism over family preservation! Is this true adoption advocacy? In truth, adoption should be abolished! It’s time to call out toxic advocacy.

The Purpose of the Navel

I started reading the book Tao, The Pathless Path by Osho last night. In reading what he said about the navel, I just had to share that here because it is meaningful to this blog and so much that I try to achieve here. I had never quite thought of this part of every body quite like this before. Osho writes –

If you go to the surgeon and ask him what the purpose of the navel is in the body, and if he dissects the body, he will not find any purpose. The navel seems almost useless. What is the purpose of the navel ?

It was purposeful when the child was in the womb: its purpose was that it related the child to the mother, it connected the child with the mother.

But now the child is no longer in the womb – the mother may have died, the child has become old – now what is the purpose of the navel ? It has a transcendental purpose. It is the mark that the past has left (the child was connected with the mother).

Every adoptee can look at their navel and know this is the truth of their connection with the woman within who’s womb they grew to become an independent human being. It is a permanent reminder of that truth – a connection that even being removed from her absolutely cannot erase. It is there forever on the body as it is there forever in the heart and mind of the adoptee.

Osho says to drink the meaning of it, the poetry of it, the music of it – forget the story. Carry the significance of it. It may seem odd that I make a point of this but for every person who has lost their mother – from death, due to adoption – it is a very special reminder of this truth. The mother is with you always, even when not physically present any longer.

Ignorant Questions

Yesterday, at the Missouri History Museum, a couple of men that work there were relaxing. I was sitting down because when I have to stand without moving much my legs give me a lot of trouble now. Looking at my sons, taking in some exhibits along a hallway in view of these men, one asked me if they were my sons. Because I had them at an advanced age, I’ve often been asked if I was their grandmother. To one young girl at Chuck E Cheese years ago, who didn’t believe I was their mom, I could honestly tell her, she wasn’t totally wrong because I was a grandmother to two grandchildren. When my husband caught up with me yesterday, these men remarked on him being a “good dad”, which he is. I always knew he would be and so, when he admitted to me after 10 years of marriage that he actually did want to have children after all, I quickly agreed to carry his children.

While not everyone will agree with the advice I was given long ago, but I have lived by it. Never ask a question that might be overly personal, uncomfortable, intrusive or embarrassing. Even so, I do get asked and will always answer, even the most ignorant of questions.

Today’s story is about that kind of situation. A woman who is a kinship caregiver shares – Our nephew has been placed with us since he was 2 months, and is now 2 years old, so will be starting to understand soon. People in public obviously just assume I’m mom, and say stuff like “are these your kids?” Or “how old are your kids?” (I also get a lot of “dang girl, don’t you know what causes that?”) My nephew and my daughter are less than 9 months apart. I’m not sure what is best in that situation. Is it necessary to point out I’m not mom? Will that hurt is feelings and make him feel out of place? He knows his mom, and we refer to her as mom, but I don’t think he has quite grasped yet what that means. I’m not sure how to get him to develop more of a relationship with her. She can only make it to see him about once a month, and I am a stay at home mom, so we are together 24/7. He runs to me when he is hurt or scared, and cries when she first takes him out of my arms. I know it hurts her feelings. He does cuddle her and play well with her once he warms up. Should I even be pushing, or let him go at his own pace?

One suggested – You don’t owe a whole explanation to strangers but it’s easy enough to say “he’s my nephew” and change the subject.

Another shared – Regardless of whether the kids with me are being fostered, are my forever kids, bonus kids, kids friends, nieces/nephews, when asked if they’re all mine or something similar I say something along the lines of “they’re all with me” “why do you ask?” Or “Does it matter?” Depending on the tone of the asker. If someone says something like “don’t you know what causes that” or “wow you started young”, I’ll say “don’t you know when to mind your business?” Or “wow you’re too old to not know better than to ask such personal questions.” I’m not playing with people that can’t mind their business, and I’m not explaining myself to strangers. As for the bonding, it will happen.

Another admits – I typically come back with a smart ass comment when people ask if they’re my kids! Why the hell do they need to know that, it’s none of their business!! (blogger’s note – I suspect I am just too nice with strangers. LOL I probably assume they don’t know better.)

I did like this straight forward response – Just say he is your nephew. The truth.

This one made me chuckle – If they are not close enough to you to know who he is, they deserve ZERO explanation. It’s absolutely no one’s business but his and yours. I have 3 kids who are within 5 months of each other. Not twins or biological to me or each other. They aren’t even the same ethnic background as me or each other and we get the same “don’t you know what causes that?!?” Remarks. My response is “oh my god! no!! i have no idea!! please educate me!!!!” then stare at them. Makes them so uncomfortable.

Another kinship caregiver explains – I never wanted to take that title away from any child’s parent, even if I was doing the things a parent would do. I agreed to take on those responsibilities. I don’t need to have the title. To which the original woman explains – a lot of adopted people I know tell me they would have felt “othered,” if they had been discouraged from calling their “parents” mom and dad. I don’t care about the title, I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s not adopted, but they have told us this will be a permanent placement. Everyone is telling me to not let him call me mom, but I can’t look at a two year old and basically say, “no, MY kids can call me that, but you can’t.” When I play the same role in all of their lives, and have since he was a newborn. A former foster care/adoptee explains – I hate that even now I am the “other.” I hated having to explain to my peers why I didn’t call the people in my home mom or dad. Now I hate when I have to explain that the people my kids call grandma and grandpa aren’t my parents. (Or my husbands either) I struggle so much with that.

One foster parent notes – I think we all have to agree that there can’t be any one “right” way to parent, because every child/person is different. But I think there’s a common goal of putting the child’s needs first, while also preserving the relationship with his birth mother.

Someone else pretty much shares my own perspective – I think more people should mind their own business and not feel enabled to ask such personal questions as freely as they do. There have been some great cordial smackdowns in some of the other comments. I would use those liberally.

Another adds – I say he is my nephew. If they push anymore after that, I will tell people to not assume or ask. If it’s someone you’re going to see repeatedly, then it may be worth a response, but for random fly-by interactions, they aren’t owed anything. This was a good reply – When asked if all were my kids, I always smiled and said yep, its my hobby to collect ’em. Another replies – “That’s an incredibly inappropriate question to ask a stranger.” Or “Didn’t your grown ups teach you, if you didn’t have something kind to say, you shouldn’t say it?”

Society’s Unseen Realities

For some time now, I’ve been slowly reading through The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra. I’ve always been fascinated by the science of physics, even though I may not totally understand a lot of it. I’ve almost finished Capra’s book and the big thing I took away from it is how interconnected EVERYTHING is.

So it was that I was attracted to a Medium piece – LINK>Exploring Quantum Connections in Adoption by Shane Bouel. You may or may not be able to read it. I will excerpt some parts in case.

Shane notes – “The state of one entangled particle instantly influences the other, similar to how the separation of a mother and child through adoption can have far-reaching emotional consequences.” The separation of a mother from her child leads to complex emotions and psychological challenges for both of them. Adoptees may experience conflicting emotions as they navigate their relationships with both their birth mother and adoptive family. Birth mothers, too, may grapple with complex emotions related to the decision or lack of, to place their child for adoption. He says that “Ultimately, the goal is to create a more empathetic and compassionate environment for adoptees and their birth families.” His goal is my goal in publishing this blog as well.

An intricate web of relationships connect individuals to their environment. Quantum mechanics finds that particles are interconnected and influence each other’s states – regardless of distance. The concept of attachment has a parallel in the idea of entanglement. Particles are intrinsically linked. Adoptees navigate the uncharted territory of identity and belonging. The separation experienced by adopted individuals parallels the entangled state of particles. The emotional journey of adoptees . . . is intertwined with societal perceptions, recognition, and acknowledgment.

Dr Sue Morter delivered the message at Agape last Sunday and photons were very much a part of how she described energy acting. Shane writes – “Quantum mechanics, traditionally applied to the microscopic realm, is gradually revealing its influence on macroscopic effects, including DNA interactions and biophoton communication within the body. This bridge between the quantum and the macroscopic echoes the connection between the unseen emotional trauma of adoption and its far-reaching implications on adoptees’ lives.” And in fact, in Capra’s book, he describes the understandings being applied on a large scale to the whole cosmos.

Shane emphasizes – “The historical instances of forced adoption and exploitation highlight the need for societal acknowledgment and reconciliation.” In conclusion, he says “. . . the emotional threads of adoption connect lives in ways we may not fully perceive.”

Shane’s writing seeks to lift standards of ethics and morality related to adoption by sharing the truth he perceives and has experienced.

Deconstructing The Fantasy

Today’s question from an adoptee – How do you guys start reframing your minds and deconstructing the lies and fantasy you were told ?

I’m 27. I was lied to – until I was 13 and then, told I was adopted and to not let my adoptive mother know, I knew. I hid it, was able to find my siblings and develop a relationship with them, and then, my adoptive mom found out and forbid me from speaking to them, till I was out of her house.

It was the usual spiel. “we CHOSE You.” We took you in, when your own family didn’t want you. You’re special because we picked you. Your parents didn’t want you. Your biological family chose drugs over you. They never wanted you, but they wanted your siblings. We cared for you and took you in and loved you, and you need to be grateful about that because you could have ended up somewhere so much worse. You owe us your gratitude.

Y’know. The usual drama.

Now at 27, my adoptive father, whom I loved dearly passed. I’m no contact with my adoptive mother now for nearly 6 years. My biological mom and I have a relationship but there is nothing maternal to it. And my biological dad passed away 2 years ago from cancer.

I’m trying to deconstruct my thoughts. For the longest time I was proud of being chosen. Proud of being wanted. But then, it became manipulative with abuse tactics and the usual nonsense, when you’re raised by a narcissist. And I realized, I was nothing more than a trophy to show off how good of a person she was. Anything off about me was squashed and medicated, so I appeared functional and perfect for her little charade. I was frequently threatened with medication changes, or to be sent back to foster care. Looking back, I’m realizing how much the things drilled into me, traumatized me. How much I struggled with feeling secure. How I never felt like I belonged. I struggled with all the questions about why I wasn’t wanted, why they wanted my sisters, why I wasn’t good enough.

I’ve done therapy. I’ve tried to process it but finding a good therapist that understands adoption trauma is hard. I’m tired of slipping up. Calling her my birth mom, not calling the other one my adoptive mom. I truly view her as nothing more than someone who attempted to raise me, but failed horrifically. She isn’t “mom”. I call her by her first name. But it’s so hard and confusing in conversations to not slip up or have to explain and answer the questions that follow.

How did you deconstruct your adoption and how do you handle using the terms that make you comfortable, when it causes confusion for others.

Another adoptee replied – I think that deconstructing anything is a life long process. Much like trauma. There will always be times when we get hit with those feelings and responses. We can just keep plugging away at the work. When those things pop up I write. Pretty much just word vomit onto the page. It keeps the thoughts from having too much power. But I rarely worry how others view the language I use to describe my experiences. I have a terrible first mother, I have a negative nickname for her that I use everywhere but this group. I don’t need other people to understand it, but just respect it. It is all so hard and you are not alone.

Another woman who has been through the mill (I won’t go into all the ways because that isn’t necessary in this context but good to know where her feelings and perspective come from), says – collect the things you were told by your adoptive parent. And next to each, write what is the truth. And regarding her biological mom – don’t chase Love that was never given to you. Keep a superficial relationship and be thankful for what you’ve got. Some adoptees don’t have a biological mother that loved them or wanted them. Cherish the small wins. You did not receive unconditional love owed it to you by not one but two women. Now you need to be a parent to your inner child and keep repeating to yourself: “You are beautiful, you are sweet, I love you so much, You are my whole world.” All of the words your mothers should have said to you. You need to become a mother to your inner child. At the same time, heal from narcissistic abuse and from having a distant biological mother.

One adoptee shares – I was told that God gave me to them. That my birth mom was on drugs and knew she couldn’t be a mom, so she wanted me to have a better life. I was abused. I met my birth mom and there was family on my dad’s side who wanted me. I’m 38. It took a long time to make peace with all of it. Just accepting that everyone involved was messed up in the head. I can only do better for my own children and stop the generational curses on both sides. I know your pain, honestly having my own children and changing the script, is what has helped me the most.

An adoptive mother admits – I am deconditioning (perhaps, that is different than deconstructing) from everything I was fed, took on, believed about adoption. I tried therapy and still partake as needed, yet this is not what I’m talking about. Rather truly getting to the energetics of loss. The real transformation within me is inner child work and neuroplasticity brain retraining. This healing is an inside job. I spent a lot of time on this path and am finally seeing and miraculously feeling some results. They are not dependent on what anyone else thinks or feels about me. (Although positive relationships expedite the process.) It is definitely improving my relationship with my son. I’m less of a head case.

Another adoptee writes – It’s a work in progress. We have similar stories. I was told endless lies by my adoptive parents. I also experienced abuse and emotional neglect. The biggest issue which led to estrangement was that they did not tell me I had a brother, who they also tried to adopt. Once I met him and was getting to know him, the reality of what they concealed from me truly hit me and I cut them off. I cannot cope with them in my life, knowing they stole the opportunity for me and my brother to be in each other’s lives during childhood. These adoptive parents who enforce sibling separation, and even lie about existence of siblings, are the most evil of evil. I have a support system – my husband and in laws. I am doing what I can to build a relationship with my brother now and trying not to let the fact that we lost so much time consume me. Therapy. I’m looking at a career change. I would like to help other adoptees cope with similar issues. I feel better with my adoptive parents out of my life, they were toxic and unapologetic and I was in denial. I lost my adoptive sister due to their actions as well (she is estranged from all of us). They caused nothing but pain for me and I finally said enough is enough. All I can do is hope I’m capable of building relationships in the future and that they haven’t destroyed my ability to do so and continue to work on that. Personal growth and no backsliding, not letting myself wallow in pain.

An adoptee shared – I finally found a therapist that’s not only adoption trained, but an adoptee herself. The difference is amazing – previous therapists just had no understanding. So make it your mission to find that. Not easy, but worth it.

The Unthought Known

My mom was full of sayings, actually my dad too. “Honesty is the best policy” was one. I guess it was a deep one for me, for I’ve always tried to be what I refer to as a “straight” shooter. I have a friend who says somewhere deep down inside, she always knew, even if what she deeply knew could not be fully articulated. Eventually, the truth came out. It usually does.

So, maybe I also knew that secrets never keep very well. As ignorant as we were, we never kept the truth of how they were conceived from our sons. Following advice I had seen offered, we told them abbreviated origin stories when they were yet very young, even if these were stories they were too young to fully grasp. After I learned our egg donor had done a 23 and Me test, I bought one for my husband and then test kits for both boys. They were older now and we could honestly discuss the whole situation with them and they could comprehend it fully. 23 and Me gives them a private channel of communication with their egg donor (genetic mother), if they chose. They have also spent time with her and her youngest son, when they were yet very young, though they’ve only seen photos of the other two. Distance and financial constraints negate our having very much contact.

Since learning my adoptee parents’ origin stories (they both were adopted), I’ve also learned a lot about all things adoption and that extends into donor conceived persons’ stories, as well as what is referred to as a non-parent event – meaning that someone discovers that at least one (or sometimes both) of the parents they thought were theirs – were not. This can be painful and difficult for one to wrap their mind around, especially if this knowledge comes late in life. That is what happened to Jon Baime when he was 54 years old.

His subsequent documentary is available at LINK>video on demand. This can be rented from the Microsoft Store, Apple TV, Amazon Video, Vudu, Google Play Movies, YouTube, or Spectrum On Demand.

Baime shares his journey in the interview with LINK>Severance Magazine. It is this interview where I got the title of today’s blog. It begins with this background – Imagine yourself in this scenario. You tell your 92-year-old father that you want to take a DNA test to learn more about your heritage. Your father says, “I don’t want you to take that test until after I’m dead!” You ask why, and he can’t or won’t tell you. What do you do? Naturally, you take the test, and your father says, “Fine, piss on my wish,” and you spend weeks waiting for the results and wondering what’s the big mystery.

That’s what happened to Jon Baime when he was 54-years old. You might think he shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that the man he believed to be his father wasn’t related in any way, that he was in fact donor conceived, that his parents had been keeping a secret from him, about him. But even if you were raised in a family that keeps secrets, as he was, where children were often told that certain matters were none of their business—and even if you’ve always known that something in your family wasn’t quite adding up—it’s always a shock to find out your identity is not what you’ve always believed it to be, that your relationships changed in the moment you received your test results, that your whole world flipped upside down and there’s suddenly so much you don’t know that your head spins.

During the four years after his DNA surprise, he used his professional skills as an Atlanta-based producer of non-fiction projects, to unravel the family’s secrets and lies -researching and scrambling through a trove of family history in the form of photos and home movies, and traveling the country to interview his older brothers (also donor conceived with mixed reactions) and his new siblings (who had appeared as DNA matches). One sees why genetic mirroring can be important to a person in the photo below.

Baime and his biological father, Harrison.

Really Missing The Point

This graphic image was posted in another group than the one indicated. It was posted in a group for all people who have an experience of adoption. I have learned a lot there. In the beginning, I didn’t know squat. I will admit it. Both of my parents were adoptees, both of my sisters gave up babies to adoption and even in my own life, I unintentionally lost physical (but not legal) custody of my first born daughter. All of this, I have learned, is at least somewhat, if not directly, related to my parents having been taken from their original mothers in the first year of their life.

So I did come into this particular group believing that adoption was a good thing. I got smacked down right out of the gate in getting to know this group. I shut up and started learning. One adoptive parent who adopted the children in her family out of the foster care system system, admits similarly – “There are a lot of things in this group that are hard to read. I will admit that my feathers were ruffled at first and thought I should leave. I’m so glad I didn’t because I have learned a lot that I hope will make me a better adoptive parent. The truth is spoken here. Sometimes the truth hurts but maybe that just means we need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.”

One adoptee said – You know what pisses me off the most – about how they claim how “mean” adoptees are? The adoptive parents and foster parents that think that they can just “erase” the fact that the child was not born to them. Then, they think that when adoptees correct them, and say that our past SHOULDN’T and CAN’T be erased, we’re being mean. Like seriously, you want a “beautiful and life changing” relationship, but when somebody that has experienced what adoption is, and explains how to change it, it’s met with closed ears and we’re told “not every adoption is traumatic.” It’s absolutely infuriating. We’re trying to educate you, but honestly, you just want to continue to believe the stereotype and stigma that “adoption is all butterflies and rainbows” and it’s not. It’s just not.

One says – the anger is being treated as the minority opinion among adoptees, a voice that doesn’t matter and shouldn’t be as loud as that of grateful adoptees, because it is abusive to adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents.

To which one adds this clarification – I am more than my anger, and my anger doesn’t mean what I say is just out of anger. Calling people angry paints them as emotional and irrational, claims they see the world through a distorted lens or may make rash decisions. Being “angry” is a intentional mischaracterization.

No, when I’m angry, it’s because the research shows adopted people are suffering but “oh it’s just angry adoptees who had bad experiences projecting their trauma.” I’m angry because adoption in the US is a multibillion-dollar industry that commodifies the wombs and children of people in crisis, but hopeful adoptive parents don’t want to hear how they contribute to the demand for a domestic supply of infants. I’m angry when arrogant adoptive parents seem to think their kid’s experience will be the one that escapes trauma but they sound EXACTLY like my parents, and they don’t want to hear that.

I’m angry when people think there’s a magical formula where their kid will never have any hard questions for them, never develop any complicated emotions about adoption, never want to know where they came from. I’m angry when people assume any curiosity about our roots means SOMETHING about how we feel about our adoptive families. I’m angry when the people who could have a direct impact on the quality of an adopted child’s life come in here – expecting they won’t be told they have to learn and grow and change.

blogger’s note – A book consistently recommended in the all things adoption group (and one I have read myself) is Nancy Newton Verrier’s – The Primal Wound. What makes her unique is firstly – she is the mother of two daughters, one adopted and one her biological, genetic child. She also has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and is in private practice with families and children for whom adoption is a major component of their reason for seeking her out. She has both – heard much and experienced much – directly.

Sadly, Too Common

Today’s story –

In March, my daughter’s adoptive parents messaged me, to let me know that I can no longer have visits with my daughter. It was made pretty clear that she is already being manipulated in some way and she is only four year’s old. They expressed that she did not want to see us and wanted to know why we didn’t want her. We were supposed to see her 6 times a year – at least – but it got cut down to once a year in 2020.

My daughter turns 5 in August and I have been struggling a lot. I really wish I knew then, what I know now, but since it’s impossible to go back, I am looking to find ways that I can support my daughter from afar, so that when she is older I can show her how truly loved she is and how much we wanted to be in her life. I would love input from adoptees on what you would have liked to know from your birth parents and what type of things would have helped in the healing?

(blogger’s note – when my daughter was 3 years old, I became an absentee mom. I never intended to remain out of her life for her entire childhood but that is what came to pass. What I did ? I did try to stay in touch. To avoid conflicts in her home with her dad and step-mother, I gave her a prepaid calling card, so that when it was not disruptive for her to call me, she could. It was very difficult at times, to go for long periods of time, not hearing from her. Even so, today as an adult, she understands better why things turned out the way they did and we do remain close. I feel lucky she did not cancel me out of her life entirely.)

I also tried to ask her adoptive parents if they would meet up with my fiancé (her natural father) and I without her there, just so that we could talk through some of our tension & start to rebuild our very awkward and one-sided relationship. They ignored that message. At this point I am tired of walking on eggshells. They have already cut off visits, so at this point I don’t feel I have much to lose. I would like to share the truth about the trauma adoptees face with them and the importance of keeping the relationship with the birth family accessible. I feel like it’s a disservice to my daughter, if I don’t do everything in my power to try to keep a relationship with her, but I really am at a loss for what to do.

One adoptee responded – so typical. Every adoptive parent is pro “open adoption”, until they’re not. I hope you are able to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your daughter. If you are unable to – please please please – keep a journal with your thoughts and feelings about her, any birthday cards/ gifts/Christmas cards etc. Keep them all – year after year. It’s so important to us that we are not forgotten, erased, and just discarded without a second thought. You can gift it to your daughter later on.

An adoptive parent writes – Proud of you for understanding how your daughter may feel. I find it extremely hard to believe that at the age of 4, she said she doesn’t want visits with you. I applaud you for trying to meet – just the four parents. I would encourage you to continue to request that meeting. Maybe you can word the request that you are wanting to help clarify why you placed your daughter. Again – not sure at 4 that she’s really asking “why ?” yet… Every child is different – and develops/processes adoption at different ages/stages.

My adopted children are from foster care and we are fictive kinship in that we are close friends with some of their extended first family. We truly requested to meet up with their mom, adults only, to get to know her. She never accepted. When my one child asked to see her, she was open and against our wishes of getting to know her first – we met and the visit went well.

I’d guess your daughter had behaviors after past visits and they are reading into the behaviors as her not wanting visits. When instead, she just needs them to just be present and supportive, as she walks through the confusing feelings. And then, they just may not understand that a child can love two sets of parents.

If nothing else – I encourage you to write letters to your daughter – be sure to date them. She will appreciate that when she’s older, to have the whole story.

Another adoptee suggests – I just wanted to say I’m so sorry this is happening! I would start a journal with dates for your daughter – where you write about your life, that you’re thinking about her, that you wish she was there for the holiday you’re celebrating, put photos in there, etc. Document that you tried reaching out to the adoptive parents. Then, when you do hopefully reconnect with her – make sure to focus on her, ask about her life experiences, etc. When I reconnected with my biological family, they weren’t interested at all in what my life had been like and it felt very selfish and one-sided. There were also some discrepancies in their story and I think having a journal to read through, would have put my mind at ease and felt very affirming!

Another adoptee added – Her adoptive parents sound insecure and awful. Stories like this enrage me. Those people did not deserve your child. For me, there’s not much my first parents could’ve said to undo the pain. They could’ve said how much they loved and wanted me…. But walking away spoke louder than any words they could say. All forms of adoption are hard – open, semi open, closed. Like it all sucks. All you can do is stay close, keep communication open and wait until your daughter is older and more independent. I hope her adoptive parents get their heads screwed on right and start putting the child first. Not their insecure wounds. Ugh….

A mother who surrendered her child to adoption but has been in reunion for 20 years writes – I suggest you copy the section in your paperwork that spells out what THEY agreed to at the time of relinquishment. Ask for a meeting to have a dialog about the promises. Ask for what you were promised. It’s clear they are likely getting hard questions from “their” daughter and are scared. That is on them. I’d request that your agreement with them be honored, that you will work with them to find a solution that works for all of you. Be firm. A four year old is no where near mature enough to have to deal with such a complex issue. It is on them to keep the agreement in place for the benefit of your daughter going forward. Keep copies of all correspondence with them, record phone conversations, record meet ups, and reassure them that your intentions are about the truth of the entire adoption experience. Period. Will they balk? Maybe – but you do not. Continue to request what you were promised – and document every exchange.

PS these adoptive parents are full of shit!!!

Another reunited adoptee who was in a closed adoption has good advice – At this point, you need to do everything possible to have whatever contact with your daughter you’re allowed. This is not the time to express anything negative about adoption to the adoptive parents, including adoptee trauma. If your daughter experiences mental health challenges in the future you can reevaluate this. Otherwise, the only adoptee you should be worrying about is your daughter.

Start keeping a journal for your daughter. This should not be confused with a personal journal for yourself. Use it to write letters to your daughter that you can give to her later. Focus on all the things you want to tell her and your love for her. Don’t use it to vent about your frustrations with adoption, her adoptive parents, or to process your grief. Use a personal journal for that. You have no idea where your daughter will be emotionally when she gets a chance to read it. Prepare for the possibility that by that point she may have experienced a lifetime of parental alienation and may be heavily “in the fog”. Consider telling her about events going on with you and your extended family, even if they aren’t solely about her. If next year your uncle Bob dies of cancer at the same age as his father, include things like that. Give her the oral family history most people have but adoptees, even reunited ones, usually don’t.

Another adoptee added – It’s not the job of the adopted child to deal with whatever feelings their natural parents have about the adoption itself. I know for myself personally I couldn’t really care less how sad my natural mother is about a choice she actively made – I am the one who had no choice or say in any of it and have now spent 35 years paying the price of everyone’s choices but my own.

A journal of factual information, especially those family histories, would’ve been welcomed. Especially since my natural father died some years ago and I don’t even know his name. I’ve had to try to piece together some of the family medical history which has been so stressful – especially after finding out I’m a carrier for cystic fibrosis.

We deserve the truth, not just about our parents but as much as we can get about our family.

A birth father who was also a former foster care youth noted – I got a postcard from the adoptive parents telling me they were severing all communication with me, a month after they left the state. I did nothing to warrant it. The adoption agency told me if I wrote her a letter. they would put it in her file. They wouldn’t give me or her mom their address.

One woman added – I would bet that they are also really uncomfortable with the idea that both of your child’s natural parents are still together and are getting married. That you would have a whole family that is biologically related to your daughter one day and the adoptive parents are just trying to cut ties before your child realizes that. There has been movement from some judges on the idea that natural mothers or fathers that were too young to have made the decisions they did and were being coerced can get a judge to step in and demand visitation. It’s worth a shot. I would pretend to play nice to adoptive parents and work behind the scenes, to see if you can’t get the contract honored in a more official way.

Another adoptive parent notes – Of all the truly messed up parts of adoption, this one for me is just the hardest to stomach. It’s what makes adoption feel like trafficking to me. The fact that we don’t have laws that protect these contracts and force adoptive parents to go to court to modify them, like we do in post-divorce parenting agreements, is criminal to me. And it’s a reminder that my own bubble of reality ain’t it – there are so many absolutely ignorant adoptive parents. My only suggestion is to offer group therapy with an adoption competent therapist who can be the educator. I just do not think you’ll ever be heard by them. They need a third party they respect, one who is some sort of authority in their eyes, to explain what is happening, how normal it is, how to navigate this relationship and the damage of severing ties.

An adoptee notes – This is why open adoptions are a coercive practice and the agencies know this and tell this to hopeful adoptive parents. Most open adoptions close within 1 to 3 years and it’s almost always on the end of the adoptive parents. They can’t handle sharing a child they bought and paid for to satisfy their selfish needs