Tag: Understanding

At Best, Unconditional is BS

From a Late Discovery Adoptee (didn’t know they were adopted until late in life) –

Was cleaning out my garage and have made a pile of adoptive family stuff to heave out of my life. Found a letter my adoptive parents’ daughter that she included when sending me the stuff that I told her I do not want. She has never taken any responsibility for her part in deceiving me. She has never attempted to learn anything about the trauma of either adoption or betrayal. Instead she insists she has always loved me unconditionally.

Please.

I see this word used so frequently by adopters and their family members when talking to or about adopted people in the home.

I see how so many of us absolutely hate this language. Hate. It. It’s triggering and often lazy and often used, perhaps unconsciously, to dismiss the feelings and experiences the adopted person is trying to share. The adopter people are feeling uncomfortable, so they whip out unconditional.

I feel like it needs to be added to the list of things to never say to an adopted person. Instead, maybe if the adopters are uncomfortable or feel they need to reassure the adopted person, they could really listen and validate the persons feelings and ask them What can I do to help? What would me reassuring you sound and feel like? How can I help support you? What could I change about our interactions?

I know it’s not just me who thinks unconditional is, at best, bs. Thoughts? Ideas?

An adoptive parent asks – What language would you prefer ?  It’s a never win situation for some of us who loved so much, we chose to be there for a stranger’s child as well as our own. Clearly some just choose to be angry at us in lieu of the one that abandoned them. It was a simple question in response to words she didn’t want to hear. I was curious. But clearly some truly don’t want a resolution but choose instead to stew in unnecessary hate. 

She replied – it’s not just an issue of language. It’s the intent and the impact as well. Think about this – if I was chosen, that implies that I met some expectation or that they had hopes that I would meet some expectation. Choosing me meant others were not chosen, right ? So then, I fail to live up to any or all of those expectations by say, expressing myself in a way that makes them uneasy. They then “reassure” me that they love me unconditionally. They don’t acknowledge or validate my feelings or apologize or seek to understand. They just try to wave it all away with the Unconditional wand. It’s like shorthand for we don’t care. Or at least, we don’t care enough to actually hold space for you in an authentic way. Just be mollified and move on. I’d much rather be told, yeah, we are disappointed that you don’t feel loved. Or yes, we hoped you would be happy but since you are not, what can we do to be here for you ? Or even, yep, we don’t particularly like you. At least that’s honest.

Another person who was fostered from birth then into a forced adopt at age 10 shares – I was abused by my foster “carer” to adoptress who never really loved me, but I was a good tool to help them have their “miracle bio-children”, once I was in their home. Unconditional Love is a misnomer – it’s easy & lazy to use the phrase, especially when that love is absolutely A1 Conditional. I’m sure as an adopter you now get to own a child that has another history outside of you and your family’s. It is not the same way that my mother was simply and will always be my mother – she was the only one who ever showed me unconditional love – not selfless love, but love without any strings… until she was not permitted to ever see me again or speak with me again. Those were the conditions that a Closed Adoption and a selfish, self-centered adopter and adoption agency made sure would stick for the rest of my life.

Another adoptee noted – Acknowledging their role in my trauma would have been nice.

Lastly from another adoptee – Unconditional love doesn’t exist. Everyone must meet certain conditions for it. But in your case, I think “unconditional” is being directed at you. Because their love for you was conditioned on you not knowing about being adopted. And now that you do know, you’re supposed to act like it never happened ? Definitely appalling disrespect toward you and a betrayal. In general, I find it to be a silencing and manipulation tactic and the opposite of them doing the work of connecting to us, where we are. I never wanted reassurance I was loved. I wanted it shown and it never was.

Why Didn’t She Keep Me

The truth is – issues of how the previous or subsequent child/ren feel about the adoption of their relinquished sibling are almost NEVER addressed when a unexpectant mother is being counseled about relinquishing her baby. It happens. Lives change over time. That is why in activist groups opposing adoption – mothers contemplating surrendering their baby to adoption are often counseled not to chose a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem.

When a previously relinquished child goes into a reunion with their biological mother and discovers that she has subsequently had other children who she has kept and raised, this understandably raises issues in the adoptee’s mind.

Today, I read something from an adoptive mother about having been “found” by the biological mother of her adopted son. This mother has two other children she is parenting who are said to be too young to understand the dynamics and so is the adopted son. She is about him in the future and what he will think like “why didn’t she keep me?”

An adoptee answers – I think that “why didn’t she keep me” is the core question of all adoptees, even the ones that have not re-met their birth mother. The best you can do is be prepared for these feelings and questions. You’re already aware, so that’s a great step! You may need to invite him to speak about it by casual age appropriate conversations with him. Even if he doesn’t ask questions, he needs to know that it’s safe to. Support and understand as best as you can. I appreciate that you have his best interest in mind. 

Another adoptee adds – I am certain the one thing all adoptees have in common is the question, “Why didn’t she keep me.” It’s “natural” for moms to keep their babies – so for us, it’s just one big question. Even when we are told the “why.”

A transracial adoptee confirms – ‘Why didn’t she keep me?’ is on adoptees’ minds throughout our lives.

One adult adopted as an infant says – we always ask hard questions – like why didn’t she keep me ? I had a completely closed adoption and I still ask this all the time.

blogger’s note – this is often in my own mind too. Though life is full of situations and circumstances that can throw any life expectations out of reach, it is understandable that any child that is surrendered will always wonder. Even when they know the honest answer.

Young Adult Decisions

A woman writes in my all things adoption group – I work in child advocacy. Full transparency, I’m hoping for support but definitely open to hearing the hard things.

I’m so conflicted after being in this group. Some young adults I advocated for in their youth (today they are 21 and 23) have asked to be adopted by me and my husband and we’ve agreed. It was completely their idea and I’ve shared the complicated reality of what it would look like (changing their birth certificates etc). Should I try to get them to further discuss in therapy, or should I accept that this is truly what they want? Both aged out of foster care after 4-6 years in/out of the system. Though they continue to have contact with their biological parents, they have largely felt abandoned and say that they just want to feel “claimed.” Should I trust that they are adults and going into this eyes wide open? It feels wrong to celebrate, but they are honestly bouncing off the walls with excitement about it. They have requested to change their names and everything. I hate to diminish their joy, even though I have reservations. Maybe adult adoption really is that different and I’m worried over nothing.

If I do go through with it, I will have to start identifying myself as adoptive mother in this group and that feels icky to me after all I’ve learned from you. Yes, I know it’s not the same as infant adoption, but I still feel conflicted.

The response from an adoptee – If they are adults and are making this request on their own without any prompting from you, then I see nothing wrong with it. They are old enough, and seem to understand what it is they’re asking for.

Seven Core Issues

I’ve not actually read this book but learned about it today. It comes highly recommended by many and who have actually read it and is rated right up there with The Primal Wound and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Also Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self. So, I thought I should share it. I was happy to see that the book also covers Third Party Reproduction (in fact the book includes donor insemination and surrogacy).

Originally published in the 1980s, it was ahead of it’s time. One adoptee says, it is something that I wish my adoptive parents had read. The new edition has been updated and was released in 2019. The seven core issues are loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control.

One person familiar with this book said it was “A classic and foundational to the way I think about these issues and the importance of reform in adoption practices.”

At Amazon it is said – “the first conceptual framework of its kind to offer a unifying lens that was inclusive of all individuals touched by the adoption experience.” It is further noted that – “Attachment and trauma are integrated with the Seven Core Issues model to address and normalize the additional tasks individuals and families will encounter.” The book also claims to access “a range of perspectives including: multi-racial, LGBTQ, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, African-American, International,” as well as those that cover openness, search and reunion.

Penny Callan Partridge, Co-founder in 1973 of the Adoption Forum of Philadelphia, wrote – “For decades, I have been responding to these ‘seven core issues’ as an adopted person, as a parent by adoption, as a poet. Now I imagine myself as a therapist trying to help someone in the adoption constellation. I would definitely want this book close at hand.”

Another, Keith Silverstein, a voice actor and adoption advocate, noted – “As an adopted person, I’m very familiar with the seven core issues, both comprehensively and experientially. Yet even with my prior knowledge, there was a deeper understanding to be attained through the pages of this book. Having had the pleasure to work with and consider both Sharon and Allison my friends, I’ve seen first hand the passion they have for adoption and helping children find permanence. Their collective expertise, contained here, is, in my opinion, the gold standard for understanding and working towards permanence in adoption.”

Victim Redefined

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
~ Nora Ephron

I get these crazy, fun, inspirational messages most days from “The Universe.” I know some of my friends do too and many people out there I don’t know. I’m clearing out my email inbox and these messages usually pile up and then I read and delete them. The Note for September 19th came like an inspiration for my writing here – What if the word victim could be redefined into something closer to hero? Recognizing that the path some tread spares others from the same?

This is precisely what adoption activists are trying to do, especially adult adoptees who are making quite a noise these days. Also from The Universe as a P.S. From where each goes, others learn. Theirs is a vision that is greater than the decades long paradigm.

From LINK>The Society for Personality and Social Psychology – The notion “I know how you feel, I’ve been there too” is a common way to express that we understand another person’s feelings. In fact, having had the same experience as someone else is often seen as necessary to fully appreciate another person’s emotional experience. However, is this true? Is it actually helpful to “have been there too” in order to understand fully how someone else feels?

Most people believe the answer is yes. Adult adoptee activists answer yes too. Most of the survey participants (80%) responded that shared experience promotes accuracy in understanding other people’s emotional states. If perceivers can manage their own emotions and stop themselves from (re-)experiencing their own distress, shared life experiences can be helpful for recognizing another person’s emotions. Sharing an experience with another person brings us closer and can spark the beginning of what might later develop into a meaningful relationship. However, such meaningful relationships emerge slowly. 

Family Secrets

Kerry Washington recently learned that her father, Earl Washington, is not her biological father. It’s news that sent her on her current journey of self-discovery. “It really turned my world upside down,” Washington tells LINK>People.

As she began to record an episode of the PBS series “Finding Your Roots” with Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., her father began experiencing panic attacks. Having held onto the secret for decades, Washington’s mom, Valerie, a professor, and dad, Earl, a real estate agent, had a private conversation with Gates, who told them it was always best for families to discuss such revelations privately prior to filming. What came next, says Washington, was a text message from her parents inviting her to a family sit-down in the spring of 2018.

“When I got this information, I was like, ‘Oh. I now know my story,'” says the star, who recalls feeling a sense of relief at the news after long feeling her parents were keeping things from her and that something was missing. “I didn’t know what my story was, but I was playing the supporting character in their story.”

Washington says she kept her calm and asked a lot of questions while trying to give her parents grace in what was clearly a difficult moment for them. She learned that they’d opted to use an anonymous sperm donor to help conceive after struggling with fertility issues and they didn’t know – and didn’t want to know – anything about the man except that he was healthy and Black. They admitted they had all but decided never to tell her.

“I think that dissonance of like, ‘Somebody is not telling me something about my body.’ made me feel like there was something in my body I had to fix,” she says of struggling for years with anxiety, self-esteem issues, and an eating disorder when she was young. She now feels those might have been symptoms of subconsciously sensing her parents’ secret.

“My parents were not thrilled about me writing this,” she notes, though the couple grew supportive throughout the process. But, says the star, “this really is a book about me. I now get to step into being the most important person in my life.” The experience ultimately added a new layer to Washington’s bond with her parents.

“I really started to have so much more love and compassion and understanding for my parents,” she says. “Taking this deep dive into our family history made me put myself in their shoes and think about the things that they’ve had to navigate and what they’ve been through and what they’ve sacrificed. And it really made me feel closer to them.”

“Writing a memoir is, by far, the most deeply personal project I have ever taken on,” Washington told People in January. “I hope that readers will receive it with open hearts and I pray that it offers new insights and perspectives, and invites people into deeper compassion — for themselves and others.”

Unofficially Adopted ?

Many people have discovered that whether biological and genetic or adoptive, there are people who feel closer at heart and in mind with some other people, who are not actually either of those mentioned above. One hears about “chosen” family – not being chosen by hopeful adoptive parents – but choosing to feel like “family” with certain friends, even ones we have never met. I had never heard of being “unofficially adopted” before today but it does appear to be a situation that someone might experience, but NOT adoptees.

Here’s the story about it, that I read today (and this person is NOT an adoptee) – Did anyone else grow up with a highly dysfunctional family but have a friend’s family say you are one of their own and they were “unofficially adopting you”? I had 1 friend whose family “unofficially adopted me” and within 2 years turned against me. Then another friend whose family “unofficially adopted me” for over 10 years before turning against me harshly over something stupid. They built me up so much, only to tear me down worse in the end. I thought they were my family. I couldn’t imagine how it would actually end between me and both friends and their families.

Now I fully accept that my only family are my two kids. I completely cut contact with all of my blood relatives. I love my kids and I love loving them. But I wish I had family to love me the way I love my kids. I’ve had a lot of anger over what my blood relatives put me through and the people who said they were unofficially adopting me. Rage even. The constant reminders on a daily basis from the mistreatment I received by my blood relatives that left me with many terrible internal messages. And the two betrayals from “unofficially adopted family” leaving me completely devastated. It’s taken a lot to not think of revenge daily. I wish the worst for all of them. I’m otherwise a very understanding person. But they will never have my understanding. Has anyone else gone through this or feel this way?

Oh, and my grandma, who was my only blood relative that was truly there for me growing up. I don’t think I should hate her but I started hating her when after 5 years into adulthood I realized she made no effort to be in my life pretty much the moment I became an adult. Somehow I hate her the most out of all of them.

blogger’s note – this does break my heart and I feel so much compassion for this damaged soul.

An adoptee responded – I grew up with a highly dysfunctional adoptive family. I’ve also had to question what “family” means since birth. I’ve never been “unofficially adopted”, even though others have tried to claim the would/did. Nope. I don’t want anything to do with adoption and that includes fictional ones. My family is made up of biological relatives and those I’ve chosen to become legally family with. That’s it. There are no exceptions. Close and long friends aren’t “family”. They’re close longtime friends. This is important enough on its own and we don’t need to pretend it’s something else. Others have already tried to blur these lines for me. I refused to comply with that. Family isn’t replaceable or interchangeable.

Another person with a similar role in the group was compassionate – I think what might help you is to look at rage=hurt. It sounds to me like you’ve not processed your feelings. Discussing this in therapy would likely be helpful. I hear you. You’ve had so many people let you down and walk away, and because you love your kids, you can’t imagine how your family could’ve not loved you with that all encompassing love. And you feel the lack of love. That sounds very lonely and deeply hurtful. When you’re in rage, you’ll push away people who are open to getting close, and you may be less patient or kind than you want to be with your own children as a result. I strongly suggest getting into therapy to process those feelings. I get that – Rage is safer than hurt, but you need to be able to move through hurt, in order to move onto the next stage.

Compassion also from an adoptive mother – From your post I am hearing that you feel alone, you feel angry towards your biological family, you feel angry towards old friends, and you are currently feeling the most angry toward the people that you were closest to. I am also hearing some red flags like “rage” and wishing harm on people from your past. Is this all correct?  I am absolutely NOT saying that there is anything “wrong with you.” I am saying that sometimes we get lost in ourselves and forget how to find our support network, and it is helpful to be reminded HOW to know, if we need them, and HOW to find them, if we do. It sounds like you may be calling out for help here. Are you?

Because many in this group actually are adoptees, who are privileged voices – there was more than a little bit of criticism – “Did you really just hijack an Adoptee/FFY PV space, as a mother who surrendered a child to adoption no less, to talk/complain/center your experience about friend’s families saying they were going to ‘unofficially adopt’ you?” And this one – “Being ‘unofficially adopted’ is nothing like real adoption girl. I can’t believe you brought this bs to this group. Seek therapy. That’s the only advice you’re gonna get. For you to even think this is appropriate is beyond me.” Then this, “I’m very confused. Are you not actually adopted…. It is wildly inappropriate to compare the two. Honestly, how dare you. That is just a GLIMPSE of what we actually feel. Reality check for you is – this isn’t the platform for you to talk about this in – and in all sincerity I hope you get help to heal from the trauma of a dysfunctional family…. But again in my flabbergasted voice it isn’t at all the same….”

Also a note of caution from someone who experienced foster care – Some of my friend’s parents were really abusive and would often offer me security and a sense of belonging as a control tactic to be honest. They’re the only ones who “considered” adopting me.

blogger’s note – Maybe the take away is to take such complicated feelings to the appropriate place to deal with them.

 

Parental Conflicts

One of the scariest things for an adoptee is to attempt a reunion with their birth parents after they reach adulthood because there is this sticky situation of how the adoptive parents will react to this situation. The image above comes from a blog titled – LINK>Reunion rocks. Reunion sucks. The author notes – *Adoptive parents who are not supportive of an adoptee’s right to search, you are a whole other blog. Sit tight. It was that issue that started my blog this morning.

In my all things adoption group, a young woman shared – “I’m wanting to connect with fellow adoptees and get some insight from anyone that has gone through this. I am wanting to finally pursue a relationship with my birth mother and my adoptive family is upset. I‘m just at a loss right now. I wished my birth mother a happy birthday yesterday and they are blowing it out of proportion. I feel sick.”

The jealousy was apparent. The adoptive parents stress – You had a pretty good life even though you don’t think you did. The adoptee counters in defense to an accusation – I never said she was the best mom ever (referring to her birth mom) and I don’t refer to her as my mom. She then asserts – I deserve to have a relationship with her in whatever capacity I wish and I won’t feel guilty about it and you don’t need to feel threatened. Then the honesty – I never said I had a bad life but there are so many things about adoption that are simply not okay.

What it comes down to is the adoptive parents’ feelings. The reality is that because of the adoptive parents’ feelings, any relationship that the adoptee develops with her birth mother will unavoidably alter in some way the relationship with her adoptive parents. (blogger’s note – I understand this, although I am not an adoptee – both of my parents were. Their adoptive parents were the only grandparents I knew growing up and for MOST of my adult life. As I began to learn about my original grandparents, after my parents and my adoptive grandparents had died, it did affect for a period of time how I felt about the adoptive ones. I needed time to sort out my feelings. This is entirely normal when dealing with such complex family relationships.)

I found this advice realistic – They will adjust. They need to process their new normal. Don’t take it personally because you did nothing wrong. Every family situation is different and the people involved. Respect and empathize with their response but don’t let it get in the way of your connecting. And connect with other adult adoptees who will always understand. I know it’s not easy…I know that as an adoptee. But I’m not allowing my adoptive family to make me feel bad anymore. It’s a natural thing to want that connection with one’s birth relatives. It’s natural for the adoptive family to feel insecure or fear the unknown. Just humans doing the best they know how. Some would describe this as white washing…I just think it’s looking at it from different angles and still respecting your own individual wishes. You’ve got this!

Making Comfortable

Life is complicated for me at the moment and stuff keeping taking all my time and I can’t get what I want to do done at the time I would like to. This is becoming more common these days thanks to inexpensive DNA testing. Explaining today’s effort –

I was recently contacted by a woman who believed my grandmother was her mother and she was adopted at birth. My grandmother denied being this woman’s mother, but due to the DNA results she had showing a relationship to my grandmother’s cousin (my grandmother didn’t know her father or cousins and states she wants nothing to do with them) I opted to take a test, as did my father. My results came in this morning, my father’s are pending for a few more weeks.

The results showed that she IS my Half Aunt, as we expected. I haven’t spoken to my grandmother yet nor has my father told my other aunt that they have an older sister, as he wants to wait until his test results are in. In the mean time, I have been building my own relationship with this cousin I never thought I would meet.

That all being said- my grandmother is most likely going to continue to deny that this is her daughter. My father and I do want to continue to pursue a relationship with my aunt but she has mentioned that she doesn’t want to make any of us uncomfortable or “Rock the boat”. I notified her the moment I had my results but I don’t want her to feel like I’m pressuring her to have a relationship, going too fast or coming on too strongly but I want to make sure I effectively communicate my support and wish to have her in my life.

My question is: Assuming my grandmother continues to insist on denying her existence, what is the best thing I can do to help her feel more welcome with the rest of us?

We’re not worried about my other aunt accepting her nor my cousins, overall everyone would be pretty positive about it, aside from Grandma. I don’t want her to feel as if she needs to leave us alone for the sake of ‘keeping the peace’ (not that there has been any, my father and I had pretty much cut my grandmother out of our lives years ago due to other unrelated events) and I want to help make her as comfortable with us as possible and build that relationship with all the time we lost until now. I am allowing her to take the lead but want to make sure I don’t overstep or make her feel unwanted or left out in ANY way. If anyone has suggestions or an idea of the role I can play in reunion I would deeply appreciate it as we learn about our family and help her step back into our family.

One suggestion that probably won’t fly, although logical, was this – Have you offered your grandma the idea of submitting her DNA? It’s not for everyone but if she truly isn’t the mother, she may want to clear it up. This woman deserves to know where she comes from and if it’s your grandma, it’s not her secret to keep.

But maybe this – about making your Aunt feel truly welcomed — make sure to include her *casually.* Don’t only contact her about big stuff, holidays, DNA news, etc. Send her a pic of your coffee or a meme and let her know you’re thinking about her and hope she’s having a good day. Include her in group chat texts with other family members. Let her in on the family jokes. Reach out a lot, and give grace if she doesn’t always respond. Ask her questions about her hobbies, interests, life – and then follow up (“you mentioned the other day you’ve always wanted to learn to crochet – I found a free crochet book at the library and thought of you instantly. Can I send it to you?”). In a non-related context, I’ve been the recipient of (what felt like) obligated communication and it can really feel hurtful.