Reunification

Today’s story – 4 years ago, we became aware that the mom of a child, female age 12, who had been placed in foster care in our community, terminated her parental rights. We had not been involved with foster care or with this child but we felt moved by her need for a home and became her foster and then, adoptive parents.

(By the way) we fought the coercion to adopt but were told it was necessary or she’d be back in the foster care system. We were inexperienced and should have fought that demand more – in hindsight. At least, we didn’t change her name. During our journey together, we have been able to help her re-establish a close relationship with her mom. (Contact between them had been terminated by court order.) Her mom has made such brave and significant changes, enough the her daughter was able spend the summer with her mom. This was something both them wanted.

Typical in such situations, of course, the girl now wants to stay with her mom. We are supportive of that and are working through the logistics that would allow her that option, for as long or short as she wants. We will provide financial support and as much connection as she wants from us.

Her mom lives about 45 minutes away – so there are certain ways we won’t be able to help, like giving daily rides. Does anyone have any experience with helping a child transition back to (their biological) parents ? Any advice for us, on how to be helpful in the right ways ?

Some sympathetic support comes – where we are located, that decision has to go through Child Protective Services. I looked into it for one of my adoptees. It was painless here and approved. This child still hasn’t chosen what she wants to do, now that it is an option. If she chooses to, then we need to go to court, to give the Mom guardianship so she can have the right for medical choices, school choices, etc. She knows that all of us will respect her choice and still be active in her life, just as we all are now. We will also be providing medical insurance and financial help.

Some cautions are given – you may want to look into reunification counseling, which usually focuses on kids who have been estranged from a parent due to divorce. You may also want to consult a lawyer to learn your risk of child neglect charges – it is easy to reunify legally, IF it was a voluntary private relinquishment. Depending on the backstory for that termination of parental rights – both you and the mom could be in legal trouble. if Child Protective Services finds out (also think through situations in your and the mom’s life, are there vindictive relatives who would report the girl for being with her mom, just to cause trouble ?)

Another chimes in – be extremely cautious with this. It could prove incredibly abusive and gaslighting for the child. The person above notes that she’d assumed it would be far less adversarial, than in a typical divorce case because all caregivers are encouraging reunion.

Lastly, let the child lead. Both mom and child will undoubtedly have a lot of emotions to work through, therapy can help.