An adoptee writes – I just want to know: when does it stop? The pain? The crying for no apparent reason when my boyfriend leaves my townhome after a night together? The deep, abiding loneliness? I think that is what it is, anyway. It is so hard. I’ve been in therapy since the divorce over five years ago. Hell, I’ve been in therapy off and on my whole life. I thought there was something “wrong” with me until VERY recently when I heard the adoption trauma lecture on YouTube and after listening to the audiobook “What Happened to You?” by Oprah Winfrey.
This had me looking for the book. I found a review by by LINK>Sarah O’Connor on WordPress. She writes – What Happened To You? is an incredibly detailed book. The book looks at what happened to a person to cause certain behaviors, reactions, and lifestyles instead of assuming something is wrong with a person based on how they act. She thought it was a very accessible way of writing a book on trauma.
I also learned there is something called the Dart Center for Journalism & Trauma which is a project of Columbia Journalism School. They have YouTube where their executive director Bruce Shapiro had a conversation with Oprah Winfrey and psychiatrist Bruce Perry MD.
So, good to know about this book. Back to the adoptee’s thoughts. One replies – I am trying to find words. Because mostly, this resonates. I think something people forget that us domestic infant adoptees are built on trauma. Like our first out of the womb experience is LOSS. How can we be “normal”? And just when I think I have dealt with a part of it, a new part of the pain and loss pops up and says hello. Just know you are not alone. (And I am very close in age to you.) The first woman responds – You’ve described it well: just a sense of deep loss… For as long ago as I can remember.
Another writes – I thought something was wrong with me until I hit 40 and learned about adoption trauma. I’m deconstructing too, so I can relate to the added layer of complexity and questions of belonging and identity. I also have complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I’ve been doing intense therapy for several years, which helps. I try to take a lot of time for self care. Sometimes that looks like a cry and a nap. Other times it’s something more creative so I don’t fall into a funk. I don’t know if I will ever feel “normal.”
One writes – I was adopted as a small child internationally. I am now a mom of 4. Amidst the daily tasks and just life, I carry with me a deep sadness that can’t be pinpointed. It’s just there. The absence of my first parents and being far from my siblings is really soul fracturing. It feels like a brokenness in me I will live with forever.
Yet one more adoptee writes – I think I’ve realized it will never stop and I just have to learn to live with it in a way that doesn’t destroy me, which certainly isn’t an easy feat.
Missing Mom 