Author: debyemm

Birthdays Trigger Grief

This is not uncommon among adoptees. This one discovered later in life that she had been adopted – that often causes feelings of betrayal and distrust.

I am COMPLETELY miserable on my birthday, and with each passing year, the sadness becomes more and more pronounced until it’s debilitating. It is nothing I can control; my mind and body practically go into shock all on their own without any conscious thought on my part. I’m down the entire day and can barely function. I try to put on a happy face, especially for our son because I know he doesn’t understand how one could not see a birthday as a celebratory occasion; however, I am strongly contemplating telling everyone next year to please stop recognizing my birthday, that the well wishes only bring me grief as opposed to gladness. (It’s exhausting thinking of how to deal with the confusion and—for lack of a better word—blowback.) Yes, I’ve seen therapists, and they have been no help. I stopped seeing two of them in 2024 alone, and quite frankly, at this point, I’ve lost count as to how many I’ve seen over the years.

Explaining A Personal Choice

We are nearing the end of the line with fertility treatment. I’m hopeful as we have gotten further than people with my exact issues usually get, but staying realistic. (I’d rather be pleasantly surprised if we succeed, than totally crushed if we fail again.) I’ve been open about it, mostly cause I work as an RN in an oncology ward and need to avoid being around certain drugs (most of the drugs are fine with proper PPE, and the ones that aren’t don’t come up often enough to cause a burden).

Adoption was our first choice, until we researched it more, so most conventional advice on explaining why we aren’t adopting (which usually focuses on wanting a biological connection with a baby) doesn’t apply. How do I explain to the average person why we aren’t adopting ? Especially if the alternative turns out we will have to remain childless?

One suggested – You could just say adoption is unethical and if they ask further, you can get into it with them. She explains what she has been doing – “Talked about how there’s agencies that advertise that they’ll help you “sell yourself” to “birth moms” and how to reduce the “risk” that they’ll decide to parent. People tend to get the ick from that.”

Someone else shares – My husband and I don’t have biological children. I get asked often when I’m going to have kids or if I’m able to have kids. (What a weird thing to ask someone). My answer is always “I’m not sure if or when that will happen.” It’s really disheartening how often that’s followed by “you could always adopt!” Like it’s the cure all or something. Usually I say I’m not interested in adoption. Sometimes they ask why and sometimes they change the subject. If they ask why, I tell them I’ve learned how harmful it is. Most people don’t care if I say anything more about it after that, unfortunately. If they push, I offer resources, so they can learn too. You can lead a horse to water.

Another one shares – I had set aside the idea of adopting long long long ago, mainly because my now husband wasn’t interested and I didn’t think it should be done unless both parents were enthusiastic. But also I had started researching the foster system and realized it would be very difficult to take In a child of a different religion and integrate them into my family, especially because of diet. It comes up now because I have a two year old and wouldn’t mind having another but am not willing to go crazy with IVF to do so and I am pretty old. I mostly tell people that I don’t have enough confidence that any of the systems available to me are only placing children who absolutely need a new set of parents, and that seed of doubt would always be a problem for my bonding. That way I’m not erasing or disrespecting any of their perceptions of adoption in their family. I don’t really have the bandwidth to do that. (blogger’s note – more than one person appreciated this response – “I don’t have enough confidence that any systems available to me are only placing children who absolutely need a new set of parents.” )

One adoptive parent points out the obvious – why is it anyone’s business? I have never once asked a 30 year old friend why she and her husband never had children and she has never talked about it. And I think since the majority see adoption as a joyous event, you could never get them to fully understand how tragic it is – so why even try ? or risk shocking them. You could say – “Research has shown most adoptions are not in the best interests of children, and though I’m sure we could do an excellent job of raising a child, we are choosing not to participate.”

One foster parent shares her reality – We are in the final stages of the adoption process for the sibling group in our care that we’ve had for a couple of years now and I absolutely lose my shit on everyone who asks if we are excited or offers congratulations. I am heartbroken that it has come to this point, that Div of Children and Families isn’t willing to keep trying and that we have run out the clock, that there is no biological family willing to take them. I hold so much grief over this immense loss, and that I can’t protect them from this hurt. I tell anyone who will listen that these systems are broken and deeply harmful to families and that the trauma of being adopted is passed through generations and leads to so much attachment trauma. No one is meant to do this parenting thing alone, but a good village doesn’t cut the parents out, it augments that critical bond with more love and support for both parent and child. Putting time and energy and resources into making supports more widely available can keep families together and prevent so much of this trauma now and for generations to come.

One even suggested – A really good zinger is – if you know they have not adopted and they ask you why you aren’t going to adopt, is to ask them why *they* didn’t. They usually stammer and say “well…I had my own kids” or some equally stupid answer. So then you can go down a couple of paths…Then you’re saying only those of us that can’t have kids should adopt ? So you’re saying biological kids are better ? Kinda depends how salty you’re feeling at the moment with how on the spot you want to make them feel.

Too Inconvenient ?

A friend who knows I write this blog, sent me an article about a baby stolen from her family in Korea to feed the demand for adoptable babies in the US. However, I have written about that issue more than once. Below that article was another one that caused me to go – oh Wow !!

Here is that story from Slate by Allison Price – LINK>My Sister-in-Law Asked Us to Adopt Her Twins Because She Missed Her Old Life. Somehow, We Said Yes.

Last year, when our kids were 3 and 4, we decided to explore adoption and/or fostering, as we felt like we still had room and love for more children in our life. Around the same time, my sister-in-law got married and pregnant with twins. She had never expressed much desire to have children and was definitely stressed to discover it was twins. When the twins were about 6 weeks old, they all came to stay with us for a weekend to attend SIL’s friend’s wedding, during which we agreed to watch the babies. They ended up texting around 11 p.m. that they’d had more to drink than they’d planned and the party was still going, so would we mind if they just got a hotel room and we’d keep watching the babies overnight? We were fine with it. The next day, when it was 3 p.m. and they still weren’t back and hadn’t answered any texts, my husband called them. They’d decided to take advantage of sleeping in, had brunch then had a few shops they wanted to check out, and thought it was a nice break from the babies.

Two weeks after the wedding, they asked to come visit us again. They told us that having twins was significantly more difficult than either of them had imagined and they were really missing their previous life and the ability to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. They said they knew we were considering adoption and wondered if we would take in their twins. They thought it would be the best solution as they could continue to see them and be involved in their lives (at their convenience). My husband and I were shocked. We spent the next month talking to them about it more and went to multiple counseling sessions with them. I went to the obstetrician with my SIL to discuss the possibility of postpartum depression affecting everything. The outcome of it all was that they didn’t want to be parents and wanted us to take the kids. Ultimately, we drew up a legal agreement, they surrendered parental rights and we adopted the twins.

We absolutely love the babies and feel like our family is complete now, but I don’t know how to interact with my brother-in-law and SIL anymore. I lost all respect for them when they basically admitted that their kids were an inconvenience they wanted to be rid of. (When we asked what they would do if we didn’t adopt them, they said they were considering other private adoption options.) It’s been a year, and everyone in my husband’s family just acts like what they did was perfectly normal. My BIL and SIL have even asked us not to tell the twins we aren’t their biological parents, which goes against the legal agreement we all signed. We plan to be open and honest with them about how they came to be a part of our immediate family. It’s so bizarre to me that everyone thinks this was a perfectly appropriate thing to do.

Asked advice – Is there a way to discuss this with them?

The Advice Columnist said – First and foremost, it sounds like you need to know whether the terms of your adoption agreement are legally enforceable, or whether some of the terms of the adoption can be changed.

How you talk with your brother-in-law and sister-in-law about disclosing the adoption to the twins needs to come from a well-informed decision that you and your husband make. Adoption can mean a lot of joy, love, and comfort, but it can also mean trauma, confusion, and anger. I foresee a lot of those latter feelings for these twins, knowing that their birth parents (who they will presumably develop a relationship with) saw them as inconveniences to be surrendered. 

Keeping this important truth from them—one that is central to their identities—is likely to feel like a betrayal once the twins inevitably find out. You need to do a lot of research on open and kinship adoptions to be sure you’re making the decision that is right for your family and these twins; if you haven’t already, find a support group where you can crowdsource resources and feedback. Then you’ll be able to inform the birth parents and the rest of the family how you will be proceeding regarding disclosing to the twins. Make no mistake: No matter who else in the family has what opinions, this is ultimately you and your husband’s call as the legal parents.

It is a bizarre situation you are in—not just the surrender of the kids, but the supposed blasé attitude of the rest of the family. You sound understandably unclear about how you’re even going to maintain a relationship with your BIL and SIL, given how this has played out. Keep an eye on the family dynamics here; while I hope everyone can exude love and grace around these children and their adoption, I worry that this inauspicious start might signal more drama and discomfort to come. I hope I’m wrong, but that’s all the more reason to find a support group, and maybe also a therapist for you and your husband, to help you make sense of this unique dynamic. Good luck.

Targeted Assistance

The sister of an adoptee posts this question – If a child is “available” for adoption through the state, are there ways to become involved and support them outside of adoption? Queer couple living in an extremely conservative state and would love recommendations on supporting queer youth in the system. If kiddos are adoptable is it too late to step in as a guardian so their identity isn’t legally erased? Is it even needed?

The first response was this – LGBTQ people who are eligible should adopt LGBTQ kids who have been thrown away and have no family. I say this as a person in the LGBTQ community.

Another noted – Just because you adopt a child doesn’t mean you’re erasing their identity. This is refuted by others – unless you are in a state where you can retain the person’s factual birth certificate, you are. And even still, adoption severs them legally from their family and ancestors. And this –  Adoption is a legal construct only. One that erases true identity in perpetuity. This is what adoption is. The irony of modern adoption is that it’s based on archaic “as if born to” legal secrecy. However, modern day DNA / ancestry sites now show the genealogical truth. They expose the legal lie.

But another has a different point of view – my family is black and the ones who have been adopted don’t feel like their identity was taken and love that they are in the family. I often wonder if it is a cultural feeling with identity. Blacks Americans have lost their true identity for hundreds of years, so I wonder if that is why the ones adopted in my family feel so different. I bring up topics from this group and they get offended and tell me to shut up. I just bring it up because I don’t want my niece to feel any type of way.

A foster parent notes – Depends on their age, but if kids are available for adoption, it probably means that they want to be adopted. However, if you want to be supportive, there are a number of gay teens who need foster homes and the support provided there. They are probably too old for adoption, but will need guidance and support as they age out of foster care into independent living. Apply to become foster parents. Older teens are the ones who begin to understand that they are part of the LGBTQ community. That is what this post is about—providing support for those older teens. Though another noted – You certainly don’t need to be an older teen to be queer. An adoptive parent who adopted out of foster care comments – queer teens are absolutely overrepresented in the system, guardianship or long-term foster care/age out plan with queer and affirming adults might be helpful. It is up to the individual youth, if that would be helpful or not, but in my experience many youth with trauma backgrounds appreciate location stability.

Yet someone else who spent time in foster care notes the reality – not all states allow guardianship as a permanency option after Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) has occurred. This is something those with foster care experience in their youth have been trying to change for years. In many states, if we are legally adoptable, that’s the outcome the state pushes for because it’s more cost effective for them and they ignore the fact that many youth adopted from care re-enter care at least 1x after adoption. In my home state, guardianship was only a permanency option, if it was a kinship placement. Otherwise, adoption or remaining in active care were our permanency outcome goals. So for kids under the age of 8, by the time of TPR, typically they were adopted out, those of us over that age tended to end up in restrictive environments.

Abandoned As A Baby

Fatima Whitbread throwing the javelin

Saw this article by Hayley Myers in The Guardian – LINK>I was abandoned as a baby, but I’m one of the lucky ones – and I knew I had to share it today. The second time reads – “The world champion javelin-thrower talks about growing up in care and the love of her foster family – and how sport was her saviour.”

Her story reminds me of one I heard that happened to my mom (only we weren’t abandoned but the intention was just leaving us briefly to run an errand – thankfully no police came, we weren’t taken away from our family – it was a neighbor who came when she heard crying and then, my mom returned).

So Fatima begins her story – “I was abandoned as a baby and left to die in our flat. A neighbour heard me crying and called the police, who broke down the door and rescued me. I spent the next 14 years living in institutions, among other traumatised children. Because of the love from my foster family and my passion for sport, I count myself one of the lucky ones.”

“Not a lot has improved in the care system. Governments come and go, kicking the same tin can down the road. It’s impossible to believe that the sixth largest economy in the world struggles to look after young people suffering through no fault of their own.”

“Auntie Rae, who worked at the care home, was my bright shining star. She was “Mum” to so many children and taught me that in giving, you receive. Encouraging me to love others swivelled my lens outwards. I stopped getting stuck in the prison of my own thoughts.”

She shares – “Having my son was my proudest moment. It was important to me that I break the cycle and be a good parent, so I put him ahead of my career. I don’t regret it. If you asked my boy today, I think he’d say he had a good start to life.”

The interview with her ends on this note – Nobody gets over trauma. You just learn to deal with it. Every day I look in the mirror and ask my younger self, “Would you ever have thought you’d be a world champion?” And I say to her, “You’ve done all right. I’m looking after you. You’ll be fine.”

Grief and Regrets

An adoptee shares – My 8 years older brother died a few months ago and I’ve been tasked with settling his affairs. Our adoptive parents got what info they could about us – they said he was French Canadian – he connected with his biological family later in life and learned in his 60’s that he is actually Indigenous and a victim of The 50’s Scoop – The Stolen Generation. That was huge for him and I was happy he shared that journey with me. Going through his documents after his death I learned that he was a year old when our parents adopted him. Shocked I didn’t know that… I’m haunted with wondering what happened to him in that year and sad he and i never talked about it and that it’s too late now.

Anyway, just musing on it. Thanks everyone.

Muslim Teen

Today’s concerned question – Does it benefit a child in any way if they are adopted right before aging out of the foster system?

I happened upon my state’s adoption directory, which is disgusting because it lists HUMAN children as if they’re shelter dogs. Like, what the fuck? Oh, and of course all the children are POC and/or disabled because saintly wealthy white adoptive “angels” don’t want anything but healthy white infants.

What caught my eye was that there’s a Muslim teenage boy “looking for a home”. We’re a Muslim family. Of course, I don’t know his whole story. But he will be out of the system in a year or so. I don’t believe you magically know how the world works or can survive in your own when you hit 18. I’ve heard of this concept of adopting teens who are about to age out, so they have a home base/landing pad as they become legal adults. As a Muslim, we have no concept of adoption as Islam holds that adoption in the western sense takes advantage of orphans and erases the heritage of children. Would pursuing adoption for this child benefit him in any way? What if I financially supported him to find distant family, college enrollment, career development etc.? Or even just a home to celebrate Ramadan and both Eid’s in, as I doubt he’s in a Muslim home placement?

One response – Does it have to be adoption? Could you offer him guardianship in your state? Or even foster him instead so he has a Muslim household to go to?

Another notes – He’s old enough that you can ask him what he prefers. And another agrees and suggests – Present him with information and let him choose his future. And yet another – See what he wants to do and find out your options.

One advises – there are probably financial benefits for him, such as insurance, maybe help with tuition, stuff like that… Since he is an older child you could take him in and explore those things and give him a chance to decide if that is the choice that he wants.

Another shares – My former sister in law did this with one of her students. But she became his guardian and didn’t adopt. I’m not sure how they came to that arrangement, but he became part of the family as a teenager and she calls him her son. They supported him financially and he was able to get lots of scholarships all the way through grad school because he wasn’t adopted.

One who experienced foster care as a youth writes – NO to adoption or “permanent” placement. I was “placed” at 17 and 1 month away from aging out. The state decided I didn’t need any help related to foster care after that. I wasn’t eligible for ANYTHING related to being in care. I ended up homeless shortly after. This kid will lose transitional assistance if adopted or “permanently” housed.

One adoptive parent wrote – Check with the agency and your state in terms of what support they receive through young adulthood, if you adopt or not. The FAFSA for federal aid for education now has a question that asks if the student has been in foster care at any time after the age of 13, and if so they are considered independent and eligible for more aid than when parents income is considered. But consider what age they will have health insurance – if you have employer insurance that allows you to add them and continue to age 26, then that could be a big help to a young adult, if their state based medical insurance would end sooner. It varies by state whether there is any support available for foster youth between ages 18-21.

One adoptive parent noted – In California, he will be eligible for more aid from the state, if he is not adopted. However, the idea of your family including him in celebrations and becoming a source of cultural, religious, and emotional support is lovely.

A CASA volunteer shares – he may benefit more from supervised independent living thru age 21, if available. You could offer to be a resource as a place to go during college breaks and holidays, without making a formal arrangement. He might then consider/ask to be adopted as an adult. There may be certain advantages to not having to claim your income as household income, when it comes to services and educational expense.

An adoptive parent through foster care writes – I wish we had a federal system with normed supports to give you a concrete answer. You need to do some homework to see what is available in your specific state and region via options. Many regions offer more supports without adoption, such as transitional housing, college support, stipends, etc, where even guardianship would not be his best option. Other areas children loose all supports at 18, if not in care, but keep medical and a stipend until 23, if adopted as a teen. (I wish that wasn’t the case but it is in some places). I would just reach out to the case worker and not mention ANYTHING about the type of permanency and just start the conversation with that you are a Muslim home and would love to support. Some case workers will push adoption, so just get your foot in the door with some real conversations on how you can support him before mentioning your concerns about adoption. Having people in your corner to talk to, lean on, and celebrate with, would be an amazing support in and of itself.

A foster parent shares her experience with an orphaned teen. She is also a former CASA. They may well get more benefits, if they age out. It depends what they need or want to do, as to if it matters in their particular situation. As an example, I know a 17 yo wanting to go to four year private college, then grad school after that. If they are listed as independent, no parents, they very likely will get more in scholarships for both schools. If they are adopted, even after aging out, they’d no longer be considered independent, then the graduate school they want to attend would then require the parent assets and income information in considering private scholarships. Some scholarships are still available, if a foster kid is adopted at age 17. Others are not. It really depends what they want to do. Adoption means if the adopters pass away, the kid will inherit what they had but that can be done with wills and trusts, if you want to leave them anything should you pass away.

Another person who spent time in foster care and then was adopted notes – The aid at the state level is universally better and there are new federal aid packages that have lowered the minimum age and raised the limit for aid for people who have ever been in foster care. The foster care alumni association used to have some awesome resources. I would not participate in formal adoption but rather open your home as one resource (but don’t be offended, if they don’t accept). I had several home bases that filled different voids my adopted mom had but those relationships are since no longer a part of my life by my choice.

Luis Armando Albino

These kinds of stories fascinate me. Things have been disrupted for this week and that may include tomorrow.

In the meantime, here is the story that caught my attention today. This man is only a few years older than I am. Here is a link to that story in The Guardian as I am short on time today – LINK>Six-year-old abducted from California park in 1951 found alive after seven decades, all because his niece did a DNA test ‘just for fun’. He was reunited with his family in California just last June.

SisterSong and Georgia

Fulton County Judge, Robert McBurney, ruled Georgia’s abortion ban unconstitutional under the state constitution. He suggested that the six-week abortion ban treated women like “collectively owned community property.”

This word “liberty” has been niggling at my values awareness at least all this day long. The judge wrote, “A review of our higher courts’ interpretations of ‘liberty’ demonstrates that liberty in Georgia includes in its meaning, in its protections, and in its bundle of rights the power of a woman to control her own body, to decide what happens to it and in it, and to reject state interference with her healthcare choices.” He added that society can only intervene in a person’s pregnancy when the fetus reaches viability, which is generally understood to be between 22 and 24 weeks.

McBurney wrote – “While the State’s interest in protecting ‘unborn’ life is compelling, until that life can be sustained by the State ― and not solely by the woman compelled by the Act to do the State’s work ― the balance of rights favors the woman.” Physicians in the state can now provide abortions until fetal viability, reverting to Georgia’s 2019 abortion law.

“Women are not some piece of collectively owned community property the disposition of which is decided by majority vote,” McBurney wrote. “Forcing a woman to carry an unwanted, not-yet-viable fetus to term violates her constitutional rights to liberty and privacy, even taking into consideration whatever bundle of rights the not-yet-viable fetus may have.”

The ruling is a monumental win for abortion rights advocates who have rallied against the extreme abortion ban. On Saturday, reproductive justice groups hosted a rally at the state capitol to demand a repeal of the law and commemorate the two women who died because of the state’s abortion ban. ProPublica recently reported that Amber Thurman and Candi Miller, two Black mothers from Georgia, died because they were denied proper medical treatment after using abortion pills.

“Today’s win was hard-fought and is a significant step in the right direction,” Monica Simpson, president of the women of color-focused reproductive justice organization LINK>SisterSong, said. “[But] every day the ban has been in place has been a day too long ― and we have felt the consequences, especially our Black and brown communities.”

This blog’s content depended upon the reporting of Alanna Vagianos in The Huffington Post at this LINK>Judge Strikes Down Georgia’s 6-Week Abortion Ban.

SAY HER NAME

Georgia, Georgia
The whole day through (the whole day through)
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind (Georgia on my mind)

I said Georgia
Georgia
A song of you (a song of you)
Comes as sweet and clear
As moonlight through the pines