Denigrating An Important Woman

This term “birth giver” was a new one to me. I feel squeamish just seeing this. I have seen some adoptees call their biological father their sperm donor, that troubles me too. Separating families cause a lot of issues for the children thus impacted.

Language matters. There has been a lot written about the term – birth mother. Some prefer first mother or natural mother. There may be others that have been suggested. It is often said that the woman who carries and gives birth to a child is that child’s mother – period. I will often be more precise in identifying those in my own familial situation as biological, genetic parents or adoptive grandparents including adoptive relatives, due to both of my parents having been adopted as babies.

When I was growing up, it was considered somewhat disrespectful to call your mother your “old lady” (even if she was – old). Same was sometimes said of a father – my old man. The meaning of certain words does change with time and cultural impacts. Sometimes, the meaning of phrases becomes convoluted. That certainly happened during my youth. As words appear and disappear, it can be difficult to establish definitive explanations. Vocabulary speaks of values, customs and ideals but the words are constantly changing and it can be difficult to keep up with what is intended by a word.

It is true that a newborn certainly has no connection to whatever name their biological parent wrote down (if they even had a chance before adoptive parents swooped in to take the baby). A name is not truly part of one’s heritage, though it can be indicative, or more accurately their DNA. Many adoptees DO care about whatever their genetic, biological parent wanted to name them. Often, that is not something that they may ever discover because the adoptive parents almost always change the name of the child they are adopting.

Don’t Be Negative

A question was asked today in my all things adoption and foster care group – Should foster caregivers be allowed to attend court hearings and/or speak to the judge ? What are your thoughts and why ?

I appreciated this response from a foster and adoptive parent – I believe there is a rule to allow foster parents or relatives speak at hearings. Usually the judge asks if we want to say anything after they are off the record. I only share 1 minute of positive things about the child. Everyone in the room already knows of any hard stuff, so that’s not my place. It’s almost more awkward to decline to speak than to share some positivity. There are times I’ve spoke up to throw the Dept of Human Services (DHS) under the bus though. When I’m fighting with a case worker to do their job, I will tell the judge “I’ve been advocating for ….. and the team is having a hard time following through”. The judge will make it an order and DHS has to move forward, so that’s helpful. There’s also been a few times I’ve asked for a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to really make DHS mad. When the worker doesn’t like the parent and won’t budge on expanding visits, things like that.

A foster parent should never ever speak negatively of a parent in court. When they do, the judge dismisses all their comments and keeps a note that they are a pain in the $ss. And sometimes speaking only positive and seeing a parent at court and being kind helps build a bridge to great relationships. A lot of times we don’t see parents much, so any positive, supportive and kind interactions can really help. Which makes reunifying much easier.

I’m also a mentor (so I try to drill this in new foster parent heads) and work on the legal side to help parents get reunification faster, so I do spend a ton of time in court. A word of advice from experience – If you’re going to just speak mean or negative, don’t go!

Love For Them Is Natural

Image from a reunion story at LINK>Cafe Mom

I read this from an adoptive parent today in my all things adoption group – “We as adoptive parents shouldn’t feel threatened when adoptees express their love for their biological parents.”

The comment above came in response to something she had read in a different group (that I am not a member of) – “How do you handle your kids saying they love their biological parents more than you ? My oldest son is 5 but I’ve had him since he was 9 months old. He was allowed overnights with biological mom until he was 2-1/2 years old. He’s only seen her 5 times since she lost custody. From my prospective, he doesn’t really know her because they have rarely been together. The overnights were for one night every month or two. It just hurts my feelings when he says he loves his birth mom and her husband (not his bio dad) and not me”.

One mother of loss noted a bit cynically – OMG did an adoptive parent just admit their own fragility and insecurity ?! Better put this one on the calendar. Someone get this lady a medal. Sorry you weren’t able to erase an unbreakable bond. And as how to “handle” it ? You ACCEPT it. You know what ? Your feelings are not what matters. You get a shrink and you just deal with it. Or you use a 5 year old’s true feelings to alienate the child for your own selfish gain by cutting contact and closing the adoption, like 89% of the rest of the vultures do. He hasn’t seen her but 5 times and they’re rarely together because you haven’t allowed it, because you’re jealous. From overnights to nothing, hmmm what do we think the outcome will be ?

One woman who works with young people wrote – Doing youth work, it’s been enlightening to see how the way the adoptive parents treat the whole subject and how the kid processes it all as they get to an age to understand this stuff with more detail. The ones who have been treated like belongings have had real internal struggles. There was quite a bit of kinship caring in the families we worked with and there’s been more than one “family visit” night where like 25 people have turned up. LOL I’m like, well the room isn’t that big so pick 3 people and I’ll go get the client. A lot of times when the kid was from a really remote location the whole family, like half the community, would come down and camp in the park across the road. Especially elders. I wish the people who had the attitudes like that woman could see that.

An adoptee notes – The adoptive parent expects a 5 year old to manage their feelings, with an adult-level understanding of how to do that, while denying any preferences of his own. Also in my opinion, describing it as hurting her feelings, after expressing disbelief that her son could love his biological mom more, is really her projecting her resentment about that onto the child. He’ll definitely learn not to express anything like that to her – eventually. That’s how it’s getting handled: by him.

An experienced foster/adoptive mom writes – it’s SO important that anyone getting getting involved, particularly in the foster care system, be free of the super common “looking to expand our family”. You can’t expect a child, let alone a traumatized child, to fulfill your emotional needs. That’s not what kids are for. If you’re truly interested in helping kids… Then you should be thrilled they have a great connection to their family. That’s to be celebrated. Like yay! You did a good job! Your kid has connections and is able to recognize those emotions and feels free to verbalize them! It’s just such a fundamental baked-in part of the problem that, when you pay for a child, you think you own it. You have expectations. It’s yours. It’s late stage capitalism in one of its worst forms. The inherent power structure and commodification of *children*.

Would This Be Confusing ?

Today’s question – I’ve gathered two different takes on what adoptees should call natural parents when they’re little (like too early to understand adoption, understand relationships, and decide for themselves what name they’d like to use for their adoptive and their natural parents). I’ve read that should our little call us and his first parents “Mommy/Daddy”, that it can cause confusion. I’ve also read that that idea is absolutely unfounded. We all truly want to do this right and don’t know which path to take. Natural mom is in the same boat as me (just wanting to make sure we do this as best as we can for our son), Natural dad wants mommy/daddy. That’s what he calls myself and my husband (at the moment. It’s changed a lot over the last year!) so we would all end up as mommy and daddy. I should add that he’s two and he does see his natural parents monthly. We plan to be very open and honest with him, age appropriate, so we are definitely not trying to hide anything. I would appreciate suggestions from anyone in here, but I really want to hear from adoptees who also were able to maintain an open relationship with first parents from a young age. Did the same labels cause confusion? What worked best for you?

An adoptee asks the obvious question – why can’t more than one person hold a title of Mom/Mommy or Dad/Daddy ? I have multiple Grandmas and Grandpas but was never confused. Same sex families also seem to have no trouble finding variations of Mom/Mama/Mum/Mummy/Mommy. Personally I think a lot of those books are written by other adoptive parents who are just desperate to claim any title they feel should belong to them.

Another adoptee answers similarly – I feel like it is extremely common for adopters to use “the labels are confusing !” as a cop out. If a child can understand they have 2 dads (and zero moms), then an adoptee can understand they have multiple moms/multiple dads etc, whatever the configuration may be. Adoptees do not exclusively belong to one set of parents. I hate the term natural parents, I hate “birth parents” much more. I wish adopters would just abandon their fragility and say “your other mom” or even just “your mom” when referencing the natural mother. If the kid is confused, then explain ! Labels are not confusing. If an adoptee is confused about which parents are which, the adopters are not explaining things as clearly as they need to be explaining them. Using the “confusing labels” cop out is just a way to give natural parents labels that carve out their parenthood, as a way of propping up the adopters above them, all disguised as concern for the adoptee.

An international adoptee makes the point – My first mom has always been mom. My first dad has always been dad. I hate my first parents a lot, but I will always call them my parents. That’s what feels right. My adoptive parents are my American parents. Labels are not confusing. You could use names too. Like “Mommy Sally”, “Mommy Tina”, “Daddy Bill”, “Daddy Tom.” Just to differentiate exactly who you’re talking about. But I do hate the term natural and birth parents. Adoption does not erase who our parents are and our true origin, despite having to be raised outside of our own family.

I found this answer timely – The only issue I’ve ever come across about differentiating between my “moms” (I have 3 and called them all mom) Is when I’m talking to other people and reference “my mom”. I know which one I am talking about, but other people need clarification regarding “which mom” OR if they don’t know me well, they just assume I’ve been talking about only one person, instead of multiple moms.

One mother who lost her child to adoption makes this point – From the start – you are not the child’s mother – you are the adoptive mom. Never forget that. Make certain the child knows this as well. (Age appropriate). Further, teach the child to be free to introduce you (if desired) as “my adoptive mom” – that is what you are. The conversation can go on to reference – “my mother lives ______ and I see her often”. Your adopted child is young. Titles may change over time.

Good point from an adoptive mother – both of you can be Mom and Dad. If it bothers you to call them that , then you really need to look in the mirror and reflect why that bothers you. My daughter has 2 mom’s and 2 dad’s. She is 9 now and if you ask her, that is what she will say because when we speak about her parents, they are Mom and Dad. Let the child choose on their own and refer to them as Mom and Dad.

Another adoptive mother shares her experience – My 7 yo calls both me and her mom Mom/Mommy/Mama. At first, it was Mommy First Name – then we quickly moved to just Mommy. We tried to have Mama for one and Mommy for the other but ended up just smooshing all together because she naturally uses all of these. Context and clarify as needed work. If I could go back, I might have made myself First Name, but still not sure. Definitely follow the child’s lead…. Also, I am moving in the direction of the comment about transitioning back to the biological family. It seems more complicated with an older child (at least, I think so) and I really appreciate someone saying it and keeping the pressure on adoptive parents to really ask ourselves – what’s in the best interest of the child, not just what’s best for us /“our family”. … I am genuinely working on it.

One adoptee tries this – What is so confusing? nothing is confusing. We are adopted, we have 2 sets of mom/dad. This is just our reality. Why is this even a question ? Lots of families have more than one mom/dad outside of adoption. This is a non-issue question. Stop overthinking it. Your child has 2 sets of parents and that’s as simple as it is.

A kinship guardian notes – Kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. They rarely find their own situation confusing. It’s other adults who do.

An adoptee notes – A lot of people have their own agenda where advice about adoption is concerned and it’s rarely about what is best for the child. It’s not “confusing” to have 4 people whom you consider parents, so long as people act normal about it. What confuses us is being forced or pressured to choose what the adults want. Always ask yourselves if you are expecting the child to manage your feelings or social standing. Because seriously a lot of adoptive and natural parents seem more worried about how other adults see them, than if the kids are okay. You won’t die from embarrassment because your child calls someone else Mommy in public.

One other experience from an adoptive parent – titles change as they age. My adopted daughter who’s almost 6, currently refuses to call her mom and dad by those titles, just their 1st names. It’s too hard for her to process it, she shuts down. Anytime we try to talk about her parents and family, she shuts it down. I know that will change as she gets older but for now that’s where we’re at. Even when she was smaller, during visits if they used those names, she’d want to leave and was done. It’s not that she’s confused, it’s that she’s hurting and those emotions are so big and hard. It’s easier for now not to talk about it.

An Extreme Danger

Christopher and Michelle Pence, of Cedar City UT, were actively seeking children to adopt, advertising themselves through a ‘family profile’. In addition to the 5 children adopted at the core of this story, they had 5 other children.

Pence admitted that between July 16 and August 9, 2021, from his computer at his home in Utah, he accessed a “darknet” website dedicated to arranging contract killings. Through the website, Pence arranged for the murder of the biological parents (a 35-year-old man and 38-year-old woman) of his adopted children and paid a website administrator approximately $16,000 worth of Bitcoin to facilitate the murders. Neither killing took place.

Pence provided the website administrator with the names, address and photographs of the intended victims, instructed the administrator to make the murders look like an accident or botched robbery, and requested that care be taken not to harm any of the children who resided with the victims.

The FBI arrested Pence in Utah on October 27, 2021. He has remained in federal custody until his sentencing. Following his arrest, Pence told investigators that he solicited the murders of the victims because of the fraught relationship between his family and the victims following Pence’s family’s adoption of several of the victims’ children.

Their sense of morality stemmed from their Christian beliefs. Therefore, his wife Michelle urged GoFundMe donors to pray that the charges would be dropped. There were 6 other specific prayer requests including favor with the guards and the judge as well as family unity and a strengthened marriage. Christopher Pence was sentenced to seven years in prison and three years of post-release supervision.

Young Adult Decisions

A woman writes in my all things adoption group – I work in child advocacy. Full transparency, I’m hoping for support but definitely open to hearing the hard things.

I’m so conflicted after being in this group. Some young adults I advocated for in their youth (today they are 21 and 23) have asked to be adopted by me and my husband and we’ve agreed. It was completely their idea and I’ve shared the complicated reality of what it would look like (changing their birth certificates etc). Should I try to get them to further discuss in therapy, or should I accept that this is truly what they want? Both aged out of foster care after 4-6 years in/out of the system. Though they continue to have contact with their biological parents, they have largely felt abandoned and say that they just want to feel “claimed.” Should I trust that they are adults and going into this eyes wide open? It feels wrong to celebrate, but they are honestly bouncing off the walls with excitement about it. They have requested to change their names and everything. I hate to diminish their joy, even though I have reservations. Maybe adult adoption really is that different and I’m worried over nothing.

If I do go through with it, I will have to start identifying myself as adoptive mother in this group and that feels icky to me after all I’ve learned from you. Yes, I know it’s not the same as infant adoption, but I still feel conflicted.

The response from an adoptee – If they are adults and are making this request on their own without any prompting from you, then I see nothing wrong with it. They are old enough, and seem to understand what it is they’re asking for.

Boundary Issues

My husband has always been a “king of my castle, captain of my ship” kind of man (which understandably has caused some issues between us). After our oldest son was born, my husband’s parents (who were our next door neighbors) came over every afternoon to help me out, so I could attend to some of the work that depends on me for our home based business. Eventually, he simply could not tolerate them being around so much but put the burden on me to tell them. Fortunately, I could break it to them gently.

The man in today’s story, reminded me of that, but thankfully, my husband was not raised so hard core. Here’s the background (not my own story) – My husband grew up in a family with corporal punishment – where if you didn’t respect your elders there was a big problem. We did tons of therapy and it helped a lot but it just never got us to where there wasn’t a major fight at least once a week or two, that ended with breaking things or running away (which I don’t hold against my foster son one bit but it is what it is). There was also a “territorial-ness” between the two of them, which I hate but I understand it because I’ve seen it with other people who were staying at my house. Like my husband wants to come home and have his space and suddenly the house feels too small. Not a big deal at all, short term, but it wears on you after a long while. She claims – These are all so stupid, which is why its so hard for us to not want to try to help out… (a former foster son that has been in their home). This foster son has not experienced stability. He is now 14 years old and so, it is unlikely he’ll be adopted (though currently there is an attempt that may fail). It is more likely he will age out in foster care.

She wanted to know – if I’m not willing to commit to helping him all the way and adopting him, am I just leading him on by trying to be there for him and causing more trauma ? She asked – For former foster youths, what would you want ? Did any of you benefit from having a role like that in your life and what did it look like ? She also notes that this boy and his biological dad are still close and we definitely would let them continue their relationship, while he’s with us (of course).

(blogger’s note – I would add that setting boundaries with teens is NEVER easy.)

Some responses – Why can’t your husband get along with him ? My biological teens and I don’t always see eye to eye on everything and there are some outbursts but we talk and work it out… The original poster commented – great question. I think its very difficult to have patience for any teenager, but if you birth them or adopt them, you have to deal with it.

She was asked – why doesn’t your husband get along with him ? The woman replied – they requested placement for him in June or July and they said it would only be until the end of summer. That he wouldn’t be starting school with us. (blogger’s note – not certain that is actually an answer to this question.) Someone else came in to clarify and chastise – He wasn’t good “enough” for your husband and now has been adopted. It sounds like he may be having difficulties with his adoptive parents. He and your husband butt heads (putting it nicely) which ends up in loud clashes and things breaking in the house. That’s traumatic in and of itself.

You say things aren’t going well and the adoption may “fall through.” How convenient for foster parents and adoptive parents to just throw away their foster child/adoptive child. Instead of working on their issues. Just throw the child away. This makes my blood freaking BOIL! Parents don’t usually do this with their biological children.

How on earth are you helping this child, when he’s been rejected by your family already ? Why can’t the child just move in with their biological dad ? You are not the right fit for this child. If his adoptive parents aren’t willing to do the work, and your family wasn’t willing to do the work, AND he has a good relationship with his biological dad, why wouldn’t THAT be the goal – instead of sending him back to your home, where you already rejected him before AND he clashes with your husband “at least once a week”?!!!

Do this child a favor and WALK AWAY. You’re not the right fit for him. This post infuriated me. Why continue to triangulate his relationships ? I’m seeing RED, when I read your responses. Don’t come here and expect absolution. This poor kid!!!!!

The original poster’s response was – he was in another home that closed before us. His dad was on his last month of his program and doing great.

The response to that was – if his dad is doing so good, why isn’t the child with him ?!? I understand that it’s not your fault – it’s what the system does – but grrrrr – IF PARENTS ARE DOING GOOD, THEN RETURN THEM TO THEIR PARENTS!!!! The whole point of foster care is to love these kids, until they can go home. Yes, it will absolutely cause more trauma, bouncing around like a ping pong.

Someone else noted – Teens can be tough, whether they are biological, adoptive, foster, etc. That doesn’t mean you give up. You should have learned in training that every move is trauma. You are stringing this kid along, who needs someone in his corner, who will help him. You admit that your husband is fighting him. Kids and parents are going to argue (particularly teens), but this sounds well outside the realm of “normal” and by your description, it sounds like your husband is the one triggering most of it. If you can’t handle normal teenage behavior (disobedience is normal), you have no place to try to take this young man back into your home.

Bottom line from someone else – as someone who had to stay months at a time with kin who didn’t want me in their space, let me just say that I’d rather sleep anywhere else safe, than in a space I am unwanted. The feeling of being unwanted is horrid. Don’t invite him into your home, if your husband values his space more than this child.

Missing Dad

Father’s Day is Sunday, June 18th. Today, I read this in my all things adoption group from an adoptee – Fathers day this Sunday. I’ve been crying on and off all day, heartbroken that another father’s day will be spent without my dad. My adoptive dad is a good dad. It took work and therapy but both of my adoptive parents are trying to prove they have changed.

But I just want a hug from my dad. All I’ve ever wished for is a hug from him. He knows I want contact, says his schizophrenia and addiction are bad at the moment. He wasn’t an addict until I was 10/11. Because he knew he’d never see me again.

My mum put me in foster/adoptive care behind his back, when I was 6 months old. She abused me and he tried to take me out of the house. So she called the police, lied about it and they told him he had no rights to take me. I know my mum should never have had custody, but I didn’t need to be adopted. My dad was such a capable man and I hate the fact I’ve missed out on 23+ years with him.

The year was 2000 and she later adds more detail – My mum also lied about him sexually abusing me, after he reported her beating me and was saying he’d take me out of the house. The police said, if he left with me, they’d charge him with kidnapping. His whole foster family were wanting temporary custody, while he got his meds right and my mum chose to lie and put me in care with others instead.

She later explains – he wants contact but doesn’t want to hurt me, not realizing this is rejection and hurts me more. I want to respect his wishes of no contact but at the same time, I feel I’ve always put others before me and I deserve answers.

Someone replied – Just keep in mind that his disease is not your fault and it’s not a representation of his feelings for you.

Another adoptee admitted – my biological mom was schizophrenic and the removal of her kids spiraled her into addiction as well. I never met her. Only spoke to her on the phone.

blogger’s note – schizophrenia matters to me personally. It appears that it was latent but that an accident triggered it into an active state with my youngest sister. It really is a complicated situational relationship, when one has a family member caught up in the effects.

The Right To Grieve

I am running short on time today (what’s new ?). This adoptee’s story (not my own) makes some important points today and so, I share.

I was adopted at birth and found out around age 5/6. My ”aunt” and my “cousins” were really my biological mom and siblings. I was the middle child. I found out at a very young age about my biological dad. We had contact a few times, without my adoptive parents unaware because they always discouraged me. When they found out, they made me block him in every sort of possible contact ever. Monitored my phone and e-mail constantly.

I found out a few years later that he passed away in a motorcycle accident.

Anyways, I have a lot of resentment towards my adoptive parents ~~ because that was taken away from me and I never get to have that now. I have a hard time processing whether I have the right to grieve a person I barely knew – but that was my dad.

It just feels messed up.

I feel like there’s this hole in me that will never be filled because it can’t.

We had a DNA test done and I’m definitely his. Which I sometimes selfishly feel like I wish that was wrong and someone else was my biological dad so I could have that chance – but it is what it is.

So much of my life, I feel like, has just been taken away from me. It feels unfair.

Disparities of Resources

In my all things adoption group, a woman wrote – “I truly hope the fosterers, adopters, hopeful adoptive parents and those planning to foster really listen to the former foster youth, adoptees and actual parents about the disparities of resources. Listen to the feelings attached to the other side (those most impacted) of the triad. Please listen to what’s being said about why children end up in adoption and the foster care system. Take that info to heart and do something. Work with family preservation. Understand that you are participating in a corrupt system that targets the poor and marginalized. Amplify their voices and vote people in that care about children’s rights.”

One adoptee writes – Lack of support and resources led to me being left. My mother had no money and no support. Extended family would not help, she was not allowed to come home with me. So much dysfunction, really screwed up people. I refer to my adoptive parents as mom/dad because “I have to.” I refer to my first mom as my mom too. I think it’s completely up to the child to decide how to refer to everyone. Nobody else gets to decide.

There was then a huge disruptive discussion over the term “actual mother.” More than one adoptee didn’t like that term, most involved in the conversation understood it. It was defined this way subsequently – “Actual mother means the child’s actual mother and not the fake parent because a signed document says they birthed them, when they didn’t.”

A former foster care youth shared – I do think a lack of resources caused my placement into the foster care system. I’m not 100% sure what could have prevented that placement though. As far as titles, my foster carers told me that I could call them whatever I wanted, their names, mom&dad, Mr&Mrs etc… I was older, about 6 or 7, and I just ended up using their names. I maintained a relationship with them after I was returned to my parents.

She is also a mom whose child was apprehended by CAS (Children’s Aid Society): What would have helped me keep my child with me would have been postpartum support. I was young (19), had just had a baby, didn’t really understand what I was doing or going through and had these people show up at my door saying they were taking my newborn son (5 days old) with them. Also, not having to battle preconceived notions about 1. Young mothers and 2. Generational involvement with CAS. Basically was told because I was a former foster care youth and my grandparents and even great grandparents had involvement, obviously I wasn’t suited to be a parent.

She is currently a step-parent (with custody order naming her)/also called a Kinship guardian/or could be an adoptive parent. (All of this gets understandably confusing these days unless one is immersed in the systems.)

What resources have I received from the placement of the 6 kids ?… nothing more than a low income person gets for biological kids, which is a tax credit… oh, and CAS gave me a $100 gift card for groceries… that’s it… as for what the kids call me, some call me mom or Mama, some call me by my name… 5 out of 6 of the kids still have an ongoing relationship with their biological parents, or at least one of them… and they call them mom/dad… it never bothered me what they called me, one way or another.

But there was more – she went from CAS apprehending her son… to their being ordered to return him to her by the courts… to closing her file by his 2nd birthday… and before he was 5, they had literally dropped 3 other kids off on her doorstep (her step children)… and then, granted her custody of her step children’s half siblings…. all within 7 years…. Obviously, I couldn’t have been that “unfit” to begin with… And the amount of anxiety the whole situation caused her… nightmares, etc… is just ridiculous….

Another adoptee tells this story – a lack of resources is what I was told prevented my birth mother from raising me my whole life. She was an older teen, in a family with five kids and her parents “couldn’t afford another mouth to feed.” The truth, I learned thirty years later, that her brother is my biological father. Both situations could be true, but what led to my relinquishment wasn’t as cut and dried as a lack of resources. As to what I called my adoptive parents, I was never given the option of what to call them. I was adopted at two months old and they were the only parents that I knew throughout my childhood, so I probably would have chosen to call them mom and dad, even though it wasn’t a great situation.

One adoptive parent who adopted from foster care notes – outside of fostering, in my personal life, every parent I know who either lost their child to Child Protective Services OR a private guardianship/custody situations where they have limited-to-no parenting rights, parental mental health was THE driving factor. Poverty, substance use, and poor physical health were often symptoms of the mental health challenges and at the same time exacerbated the mental health challenges in a vicious circle.

The answers and stories go on and on. This is just a few to add some insights. I believe in family preservation. I believe that societal resources properly deployed could prevent most (not all) adoptions that tear families apart. I have read too many of the same kinds of stories over and over to believe otherwise. The lack of extended family support and financial resources tore both of my own parents away from their mothers and it still happens every single day in America.