Don’t Let The B*&^($@ds . . .

Daffodils & Dirt Sam Morton’s Album

That is not the album cover but the concept captured me. It comes from another woman’s Scottish story that drew Morton and has arrived in The Guardian – by Kate Kellaway – LINK>‘The hardest thing is to forgive yourself’: actor Samantha Morton and writer Jenni Fagan on the trauma of growing up in care.

The Guardian notes – Both women have used their work to process childhoods ravaged by neglect and abuse. Meeting for the first time, they discuss survival and anger, Fagan’s new memoir, and the state of the UK’s care system today. Jenni Fagan’s extraordinary, harrowing and uplifting memoir, Ootlin, is about growing up in the Scottish care system. Ootlin translated from the Scottish vernacular means someone who “never belonged, an outsider who did not want to be in”. LINK>Review by Sara Crowley. Samantha Morton is an Oscar nominee twice over, who directed and co-wrote, with Tony Grisoni, the TV film LINK>The Unloved (2009), about a girl growing up in a care home, which drew an audience of 2 million.

About Fagan’s memoir, Sam says: “When I read Jenni’s book, I felt as if we were twins. I didn’t realize there was another human being who had had an almost identical childhood to mine, and not only survived but become formidable against the odds. The similarities between us are bizarre; it was like when you do a butterfly drawing at school, then fold it – there is Jenni in Scotland and there is Sam in Nottingham… and we’re the same age.” “I’m a bit older,” says Fagan. “I’m still 46,” says Morton. “I’m 47,” Fagan says.

Both women spent years in children’s homes and foster care. Morton had 12 foster placements and Fagan 27 by the time she was 16 (with two unsuccessful adoption placements). Each had mothers who suffered poor mental health. Fagan never knew hers, whereas Morton’s mother, who died in 2017, is a known presence in her story. Morton’s father was intermittently violent and spent spells in prison. Both Fagan and Morton suffered abuse, got into drugs for a while, and had periods of homelessness.

If these stories are of interest to you, I highly recommend reading the entire article at The Guardian link above. blogger’s note – having learned I have Scottish roots, anything to do with that country always interests me.

Not All

Today’s story illustrates this –

We adopted our almost 8 year old from birth. The relationship with birth mom and her other children has been sporadic at best (her choice). My daughter misses her siblings but they have recently been taken from the bio mom who became homeless and apparently was charged with neglect. Some are with their own bio dads and one is in foster care. My daughter does not know this yet, and we will work with her therapist to share this information in a way that hopefully lessens the trauma (for context, we don’t have a way to get ahold of bio mom anymore to offer help and she has moved across the country).

My daughter also has always wanted to meet and know her bio dad and his family. We have worked hard to find him and make that happen. I finally connected with his sister (so my daughter’s bio aunt) on Facebook and my husband and I are meeting her next week. We’re hoping she’ll be amenable to starting a relationship with our daughter. We’ll get more information at that time, but she alluded that her brother isn’t not open to that right now. How do we make sure this is not causing more trauma for our young daughter? I know that having this relationship could be great for her, but will it make it worse knowing that bio aunt is willing to meet her (and hopefully have a relationship with her) but her dad isn’t? We want to do what’s right for her. She craves to know this side of her family, but I’ve heard that discovering the bio parent can create more trauma.

A relevant response from an adoptee – If any of her bio family wants to meet her/have a relationship with her do all you can to make it happen. Yes, it may hurt and cause trauma that other bio family does not want to do that. However, that can you can work through. What will never be worked out is if she discovers she could have had something with bio family but you kept that from happening. Even worse is if she finds out you were anything but 100% truthful to her or them. Don’t hide behind we were trying to protect her. Unless there is some clear danger, such as the parent abused other children or threatened her or you in some way, the only people you are thinking about is yourselves. It is acceptable to give an age appropriate truth such as her siblings are being cared for by other adults because her bio mother is not able to provide shelter for them right now. Therefore, she probably will not be in contact with her for a while. If she wants to have contact with her other siblings, try to make it happen. If it is not to be, tell her that and why. Again in a truthful age appropriate way. That could be upsetting to her but again that can be worked through. What is important is that she knows she can trust you to always be honest with her. Break that trust and you will lose her forever.

Biology and What’s Possible

A thought and a question in my all things adoption group today – Biology programs us to prefer the children we gave birth to. You can try to be “fair” but I firmly believe biology and the subconscious takes over. This is how it’s supposed to be. It’s natural instincts. What does it say about biological connection when one says they love a stranger’s natural child the same or just as much? How do biological children in the home feel about this? Is it really possible?

Some replies –

A woman who spent time in foster care, writes – As a biologist, and just someone who can read research, children’s risk factors for abuse increase with a step parent in the home. I can imagine the risk increases as an adopted child. Our biology literally hardwires us to support our family lineage over non. We’re one of several species who will take in non blood others however. As someone who’s mother preferred other children over her own, I couldn’t say. I think my mom wanted a doll baby, not kids.

Someone backs that up with a PubMed.NCBI.NLM.NIH.gov study abstract, an excerpt – Children residing in households with adults unrelated to them were 8 times more likely to die of maltreatment than children in households with 2 biological parents. The risk of maltreatment death was elevated for children residing with step, foster, or adoptive parents. Risk of maltreatment was not increased for children living with only 1 biological parent.

One adoptee shares – Having my own children really bought home the difference. My son had to go into NICU after he was born for a few days. I had an anxiety attack. I’ve never had an anxiety attack before or since. Another with a similar experience mentions the book LINK>Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel. (blogger’s note – that book’s page touches a deep sadness in me as my daughter ended up being raised by her dad and a step-mother. McDaniel notes – “a mother can’t give her daughter what she doesn’t have.” I didn’t have the financial resources to support us. An interesting coincidence – my daughter ended up spending many days breastfeeding my grand-daughter in NICU.)

Another woman notes – I started learning more about the issues with adoption, while I was pregnant, but once I gave birth it was permanently engraved in my mind – I will never take away another mom’s babies. An adoptee responds to that with – Having my baby was a painful wake up call once I realized how different my experience with my adoptive parents was to what’s natural. And what it meant to lose the natural connection with my first mom in infancy. Yet another adoptee shares – my second baby was a 27 week preemie. I was horrified at the thought of not being there for him and for him experiencing what I did (being left alone in a hospital for two months). He was only allowed out of the humicrib once a day, so I would express and then have him skin to skin for as long as I could. I would lie like that for hours, until I had to either pee or express again. The nurses told me they had never seen anyone stay for hours like this. I was just so terrified he would suffer long term effects like I do.

There is always possible yet another perspective – I love my adopted kids the same as my biological ones. I also love my besties kids the same. My heart swells with love for the littles who call me Nanny that are not related to me at all. I love all my parents. I have natural, adopted and step parents. There is no shortage of love that a heart can give. That is just my personal opinion, of course. To which another responds – I’ll go ahead and say it. It’s true. Even if you don’t want to admit it’s true; it’s true. I love every kid I’ve ever taken care of, I love my friends kids, my nieces, and my nephews but the love I have for my biological son will always be different. Now, that doesn’t mean that I treat them different because I don’t but the love is just… different.

One raised by a step-mother writes – Growing up there was absolutely a difference in how my step mom felt towards me compared to my siblings (who were all hers). I was the only one from my father’s previous marriage. It was very tough. She will be the first to tell you that she did NOT love me the same. She struggled severely with depression and anxiety, a lot of which was spurred by how much she wanted to love me like her other kids, but couldn’t bring herself to.

To be fair to her, she was young when she married my dad and I was already 3. She also didn’t know she would become a primary parent in my life as my mom had legal custody (blogger’s note, very much like what happened with my daughter). She stood by my dad’s side as he fought for full custody (blogger’s note – which my ex never attempted to my knowledge) when it was needed because she knew it was right, but she did not think she was signing up to raise me when she married him.

Now, if you asked her now about our relationship, she would tell you that secretly she loves me more than her own kids (as both my parents like to tell me) and she relies more on me than any of them. It took a loooooot of building over many years, though, and it certainly wasn’t natural. It was hard, hard work. (blogger’s note – I know that my daughter has very strong, positive feelings towards her step-mother, who actually stepped into very similar circumstances when she married my daughter’s father. Her being there to give my daughter a family with siblings had a lot to do with me not fighting to regain physical custody of my daughter, which I had never expected to give up. It sort just came to pass over time.)

A note from a legal professional – The way biological vs. non-bio family are treated in estate plans tells me you are 100% correct. Adopters put on a good front in public and on their social media pages, but when it comes time to choose, they always choose blood.

Also, as an actual mother, the feeling I have for each of my children is deeply engrained in me. It’s a biological connection that was triggered during pregnancy and heightened during birth. If you’ve never given birth, you cannot understand this instant bond. It is not the same as anything you’ve experienced in your life so don’t even try to say “I felt an instant bond to my adopted child” because while there may be some truth to that, it does not compare. Period.

On another note, I do think men are capable of connecting to non-bio children easier than women. This is based off the stories I’ve heard from adoptees (not my own lived experience) so take it with a grain of salt.

One final one from the sibling of international adoptees – I always thought this was a weird thing my parents said about my adopted siblings. It didn’t make me feel “slighted” but the pendulum swung HARD as they continued to try and prove the adopted kids were “just as loved”, which resulted in us bio kids never really getting much care from our bio parents. And to be clear my parents had NO business taking in more children – since they had 5 biological children of their own and a kinship placement, when they decided to adopt 4 foreign teenagers with SEVERE trauma. My adopted siblings deserved more care and time than they got, while the biological kids still drowned on their own anyways, due to a lack of time/care.

I think we were in a weird case, where my parents didn’t actually like or want children and they adopted purely for the savior complex and social media accolades. Most of the bio kids have been cut off for various reasons but my parents have never stopped publicly loving their internet sensations. Many of the people around them have pointed out they could care less about the kids who don’t give them a good public image.

She adds this disclaimer- I do not blame or hold any resentment towards my adopted siblings at all in this regard.

Bridging Transitions

Today’s story – My son was adopted from foster care at age 2. He’s 6 years old. His mom has been in prison and hasn’t seen him since he was 4. We did yearly visits at ages 3 and 4 before she was incarcerated. When she gets released, she will be living in a different state. She has requested video calls with him.

Here’s where we need advice. Do we talk with him about his feelings surrounding these video calls? Do we allow the choice to be his? We want their relationship to be led by him, but is 6 too young to understand? Should we be taking the lead until he’s old enough to decide what he wants?

Added details: there were never any negative behaviors after our past visits at ages 3 and 4. I would talk with him very lightly about the visit afterwards to gauge where he was at. Our son has some mental health needs and we’re trying to be sensitive to those since he’s doing so well at this time.

An adoptee answers – There are many factors to consider. First and foremost, the choice is ALWAYS his. Always let the child lead the relationship and respect their wishes. The desires of parents (natural, foster, or adoptive) never have priority over that of the child. When asking if they want to call or visit, remember that “I don’t know” or “I’m unsure” is not an automatic yes. That means there needs to be a longer conversation to help figure out their feelings together. This would be best done in conjunction with a trauma-informed therapist.

Secondly, the context of the incarceration. None of our business and I’m not asking, but it’s relevant to consider. Things like theft, substance use, fraud, prostitution, etc are all situations that do not make someone any less of a parent. However crimes against the child should be taken seriously. Despite my pleas, I was forced to visit my abuser and trafficker in prison, even as she sat for the crimes against me.

Third, consider the environment of the facility. Even if the relationship with mom is a healthy thing to maintain, it can be deeply frightening and traumatizing for children. I witnessed and was subjected to some very disturbing behavior while visiting prisons in my youth. In cases like this, video calls (like I believe your post mentioned) are obviously preferred but consider being pen pals as well. These mementos can be saved forever and looked back on, and also it can take the stress off face-to-face interactions that can be very awkward for many.

According to the Sesame Street Workshop – 2.6 million children have a parent who is incarcerated. It is one of the major causes of placement into foster care. Want to know more? – Sesame Street Workshop topic – LINK>Incarceration.

About That Gap

When Child Protective Services (CPS) separates children from their family – a massive trauma is created in these children. Some people will say – “some parents are too harmful for their child to stay with them”. Understandably, those parents end up on the news. Those stories stick with you and legitimize the actions of CPS because these people are some sort of monsters.

Those people don’t realize that there’s a huge gap between “under-resourced parent” and “monster”, when we’re having conversations about family preservation.

Of course, we should always keep kids away from the “monsters” aka truly dangerous caregivers. But we also need to invest resources differently from how we’re currently doing it for all the rest of the cases where the parents need support to be the parents their children need.

The outcomes of foster care are FAR too dismal to justify the continued usage of the program the way it’s being done now. If removing kids from homes was such a positive thing, then a majority of them would be thriving members of the community, instead of having the high rates of harm they experience.

Please realize that those truly dangerous parents are only a fraction of the families who get torn apart by CPS.

One person shares – “My husband put it in perfect perspective for me a few years ago when he first saw a picture of me at about 18 months old (he already kinda knew the story). Flat out said “oh yeah! Blonde hair, blue eyes, mom didn’t have much of anything, dad wasn’t in the picture. You were prime real estate to be taken and sold”. blogger’s note – Exactly, my own mother’s pre-adoption story.

Picture of my mom at 6 months of age before she was adopted. Her mother was exploited by Georgia Tann for exactly the reasons that woman’s husband identified – “Blonde hair, blue eyes, mom didn’t have much of anything, dad wasn’t in the picture.” – though they were married, I will never know why he left her at 4 months pregnant and didn’t return after she gave birth to my mom and returned to Memphis from Virginia (where she was sent after he left her, to give birth out of the view of the family’s local neighbors).

When Adoption Is Justified

Not the actual note mentioned in today’s story.

From an adoptive parent – My son was surrendered to a hospital. Physically walked inside and handed over, with a pretty lengthy note. The note was taken by the investigative social worker that night and put in his “file”. It is assumed that the biological mother called the safe haven hotline asking for nearest box, but it was hours away, so they coordinated with the closest hospital for her to take him. As a licensed foster parent, I received a call for him that night (late) and met him next day.

Upon learning of this note, I asked to be given it for his sake. Besides the clothes he was wrapped in, when he was brought in, that’s the only biological tie he has left. The hospital thankfully sent the clothes home with me, which I still have. I was told “No” and that “wasn’t my place” every time I asked for the note because I was “just” the foster parent. (Basically his case was open for a year before adoption, so I was “just” the foster parent the entirety of that.) The case went through multiple worker’s hands and I tried each and every worker, only to be told the same thing. There are some details I won’t go into, but they did look for the biological parents to try and charge them. They even went so far as to review video footage from the hospital – to which the hospital told social workers no, and police got involved. He was born outside of a hospital, then brought in, so there is no way to know who biological parents are, unless they want to come forward one day.

After adoption, I asked for the note, which by then was in a sealed record. I was advised to do records request and do this and that and blah blah blah. Even though I did everything they told me to, nothing ever worked. Try this department next. This went on for a year. I called the ombudsman’s office and they were zero help. Eventually I got an attorney involved and just like magic, I got a COPY of the note in my email. I was thankful for that, but I continued to push for the original. My perspective is that it is my son’s right to have this. I was told the original had been destroyed. Don’t even get me started.

Based off of the note, I do assume the biological mother really DID want to remain anonymous. I have spoke with the safe haven organization and asked if they ever heard anything since that night to which they have not. I told them to please let me know if they ever do because I personally know of another safe haven family that was able to connect with biological mother and they have an open adoption. Biological mothers can call into safe haven organization and receive counseling, as well as let them know if they are seeking an open adoption or even just contact in general. Organization was able to connect adoptive mother and biological mother. It has to be wanted on both sides, or they won’t connect them. I wanted them to know I was open to that, if anything were to ever come in the future.

Seeking To Do Better

An adoptee with a challenging start in life but having done a lot of work to heal herself writes today – My mother was adopted at birth, and raised by a mom with substance abuse and alcohol use disorder. She suffered the same, and then I was adopted at age 8 and grew up in poverty before adoption and my adoptive parents used to tell me I should not have kids. Then because of all that I struggled with substance abuse disorder alcohol use etc, and human trafficking.

Now, I have been drug-free since 2015 and alcohol-free since 2019, went to college and graduated in behavioral science. I am in a very stable environment, have done a lot of healing, and am about to get married. We are family planning responsibly. We are both employed, college educated, etc, basically, everything I didn’t have growing up…. but my marriage also propelled me into a financial class I did not grow up in. Money does not buy parenting skills.

I just started therapy as well to get ahead of the game, but I am worried I will be a bad parent because of how I grew up. All those parenting classes and nurse family programs I see are only for low-income families. I think there is an assumption in the “parenting class” industry that only low-income people need to learn about how to be good parents. She asks – Is there some type of support group for parents with familial trauma, or anything like that ? just to have people to check in with ?

One adoptee shared encouragement – I think the fact that you’re concerned you’ll be a bad parent and have identified reasons why puts you ahead of the game. Awareness is huge. I’m a parent. I was emotionally mistreated by my mom. A lot of my parenting ability comes from treating my child in a way that I needed to be treated at that age, while also recognizing that my child isn’t me. Understanding that behavior is a form of communication is important too. Kids don’t need much. They need love and support. They need to be heard without judgement. They need structure and boundaries and clear expectations. They’re humans in small bodies and can understand much more than most people give credit for. It’s the easiest/hardest job. You got this!

As a resource, one suggests this – look into the LINK>Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) – Parent Info Forum. Its a music protocol that helps with emotional regulation as well as CPTSD and Dissociation. Life changing for my parenting game and in general, I was adopted from foster care at 12 with a history of complex trauma. I have 5 kids now !

An adoptive parent notes – Advice columnist LINK>Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post often recommends parenting classes in her live chats, and her column is read by people at all income levels. There are definitely some very wealthy terrible parents out there. It sounds like you have worked really hard to get to a good place. That says a lot about you. If you want to have kids, then do the classes and workshops (some may be available online), read parenting books, maybe read about trauma (if you haven’t already). In fact, a lot of books about parenting children from tough places actually help the reader/parent too. If you decide at some point that you don’t want to be a parent, that is a perfectly valid decision. But you are doing the work to heal yourself and if you have kids, I’m sure you’ll be a great parent.

Here is a list of some of the books she has read that helped her as a parent and human being. [1] Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors-Robyn Gobbel, [2] What Happened to You-Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, [3] The Connected Child – Karyn B. Purvis, David R Cross, [4] The Explosive Child – Dr. Ross W. Greene, [5] Help for Billy-Heather T. Forbes and [6] The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel A. van der Kolk (blogger’s note – in fact, he is featured in the most recent issue of Time Magazine – LINK>Why People Still Misunderstand Trauma.)

A kinship adoptive parent offered more encouragement – Bad parenting is not a class/wealth problem. Everything I’ve learned about discipline boils down to “do the opposite of what my parents did,” and lots of people looked to them for advice because everyone who didn’t live with them thought very highly of them. If you want to have kids, don’t limit yourself by your adoptive parents’ issues. You can get therapy, take parenting classes, etc. and be a super awesome parent.

Another noted – You are aware and will stop the generational trauma. You will do great.

An adoptee who became an adoptive parent writes – I did LINK>Circle of Security. It was great and it’s been very helpful to help me understand how my trauma (not from adoption) plays into and against my child’s.

One adoptee explains their reasoning regarding choosing not to become a parent – Many reasons, of course, but a big one was my lack of family support that others could count on. I was adopted shortly after birth but my adoptive family was garbage and my adoptive parents were both dead by the time I was 30, after which the extended family ghosted me. I would have had no trusted people to help me care for my child. So I definitely get it. I hope you’re able to find the kind of help you’re seeking and, yeah, parenting classes focusing on family trauma/loss would benefit a whole lot of of people.

An adoptive parent added a couple of additional resources…LINK>The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls. And on Instagram, Gottman institute has links to resources/classes they offer. And also on Instagram, Raising Yourself. (blogger’s note – I don’t “do” Instagram, so you are on your own there.)

One person added – I would strongly consider LINK>Mommy and Me or other similar parenting support groups. Classes are great and all, but you can learn a lot from being with other parents. When watching others, you can generally get a feeling for what’s right and what’s not (making excuses for your child when they hit someone is not ok, and neither is hitting the child) and what is better (listening to the child’s feelings and validating how big it is even if you don’t necessarily give in is pro parenting). Watching others can tell you a lot about what to do and a lot about what not to do, plus you’ll get other adult/parent interaction out of the deal…which is kind of hard to get as a new parent.

One person sums up “the ultimate goal” is to remember to be a basically genuine presence with your child (that exact person), switching to their perspective when necessary, and to have love, respect and protection always at the forefront, no matter what parenting style you choose or the specific parent/child relationship you have.

Doing It Right

Today’s story is how someone is doing an open adoption the right way.

My daughter is 5 she knows she was born from mama c’s tummy, and knows that is why she looks different from most of her family. We also have an open adoption that has become much more open over the past year, in the beginning mama c only wanted a few letters and photos no other contact. Once mama c was ready for more we jumped at the relationship. We visit with mama c and bio siblings every couple months (we live 6 hours apart) and text several times a week and even took a vacation with them earlier in the summer.

Even so, an issue has popped up that the mother is seeking advice to handle it as best as she can. The closest in age sibling is just a couple years older and mama c has not wanted to tell the girls that they are sisters. They know how my daughter was born etc but we have not used the term sisters. We just say we are family. Mama c has asked if I know of any books etc to share with here daughter to help make the conversation easier. I am looking for suggestions to help facilitate this conversation because I think the older one for sure knows but does not want to ask the hard questions and my girl is asking questions that I am having to bend the truth in answering, to stay in line with what mama c is comfortable with. Next visit will be Labor Day (we have visited the past 3 days with them) and we are hoping to have that conversation then, if not before. I am trying to follow mama c’a lead here but since she asked about books and for advice during this last visit, I am trying to help, so that we can all get everything out in the open.

One commenter wrote – All these girls need adoption competent therapy! And their mom too. As far as books go, I haven’t found anything good. Most of the adoption books out there are gross because they’re heavily biased towards adoptive parents. One book I love is called LINK>The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld. It’s not about adoption or anything specific; it’s about a child who is upset and how they just need to be listened to. You can find that read aloud at the YouTube link above.

One adoptive mother shares her experience – My family is two adopted sons age 13 and 10, then two biological daughters age almost 5 and 2. The natural mother has been a part of almost every vacation and has come to our house several times to spend a week. The almost 5 year old has understood the dynamics of “(natural mother’s name) is my brother’s mama. But not my mama.” I share this to say – this is totally within the range of a 5 year old’s ability to understand.

Another recommends this book, LINK>Sam’s Sister by Juliet C. Bond Lcsw, even though she hasn’t personally read it. I went looking. Here is a summary – Five year-old Rosa suspects that something is wrong with her mama. What she discovers brings immense joy and sadness to her tiny family. Mama is pregnant, but she cannot keep the baby. Instead, she’s arranging an open adoption.

Another shares – I haven’t read this as it doesn’t apply to our situation but LINK>Holly Marlow has written a book that helps children understand that some siblings live at home while another/others may live with family/foster/adopted. It’s only been released in the last couple of weeks. However, a mother of loss disagreed with this recommendation, writing – she seems to be an adoptive parent and, as a natural mother, I’m getting the ick from some of the things I’m seeing she’s written. I really wish adoptive parents would stop writing books, just my personal opinion, we’ve heard enough from them sharing our stuff and profiting off the biological families stories and the children they bought.

Another mother of loss who’s son is in a closed adoption writes – do not have a book to recommend, but I am a first mom who has since had children that I parent. My first child was 11 when the first child I parent was born. Unfortunately the adoption was closed but the entirety of the lives of my children I do parent I tell them about my first son. Every month I write a letter and send it. The children I parent are 2 and <1 year. I have my 2 year old tell me things he wants to tell his big brother. He knows he has a big brother that lives far away with different adults. He regularly looks at photos of his brother, and the rest of our family in family photo albums.

An yet another mother of loss writes – Children should always know their truth. Shame on anyone who keeps it from them. My children always knew they had a sibling who was gone from the family. Because they always knew, there was no need for any conversation or “age appropriate” anything. My daughter on the other hand was never told. It’s bullshit.

An adoptee shares – She just needs to speak it. Kids understand all kinds of things. Therapy would be so beneficial. I knew from before my understanding that I had half siblings, even had a picture of one of them and my adoption was locked down closed (adopted from foster care as a toddler). It’s odd to me that the child’s mother will come for visits and just won’t share the simple, basic truth that they are sisters.

Barely Surviving

Heartbreaking. From the National Institutes of Health – The odds of a reported suicide attempt were ∼4 times greater in adoptees compared with non-adoptees.

An adoptive mother writes – My daughter intentionally overdosed last Friday. This is her 3rd attempt which started at age 12. I have zero ideas what to do. She was adopted with her sisters 8 years ago, after being in foster care 2 years starting at age 5. She has had experiences that have caused pretty significant trauma beyond with the actual removal. We have tried to keep family ties as open as possible but she wants zero to do with her natural mom, at the moment. How do we help support her ? What can actually help? I love this girl with all my heart and I don’t know how to make things easier for her.

The obvious question, with an important suggestion, when it comes to any adoptee – Is she in therapy with a therapist who is adoption trauma informed (and NOT an adoptive parent, ideally an adoptee) ? If she’s not in therapy, she needs to be TODAY !

To emphasize the point, one adoptee shares – I am 52 years old but was forcibly taken, at under a year old by my maternal grandmother and put into adoption against the wishes of my parents. Mom was a minor. Dad sued my grandmother but she and the adoptive parents had more money. After 4 years of fighting for custody, my Dad lost. At that point, I was adopted and my name changed when I was already 4 years old. I started self harming behavior by age 12. I have done therapy. I had my DNA analyzed and now have a relationship with my genetic Dad and my mother’s sister (sadly, my Mom had died, before I found her, which hurts). I now have siblings. I was raised an only kid. Which sucked. Reuniting helps but even so, it brings up so much more pain. I’d advise you to find a therapist that works with adopted child’s trauma. “Adoption is Violence”. This is a said by many adopted kids in safe adoption groups. My adopted Mom was great but it doesn’t fix the PTSD trauma of being taken from your birth family and losing your DNA. In elementary school, they have you do a family tree report on your ancestors. You can’t. When you go to a doctor, they need a family medical history but you have none.

Another adoptee can relate – it’s all horrible. They steal us, then expect us to be a blank slate for them. I’ve never heard adoption is violence but I always say adoption is trauma. If you’re adopted, you have some sort of trauma – even if an adoptee thinks their adoption was good, deep down there’s trauma. My adopters had a biological daughter who was 8 years older than me and she was horrific to me – tortured me. My adoptive parents were very abusive and neglectful.

Emphasized – No matter how good your adopted parents/guardians are, most adoptees feel abandoned, unwanted, thrown away, more worth less than kids whose family kept them. A kid raised by their grandmother or aunt at least still has a DNA connection and family history. Without that, you feel afloat with out a paddle. Being taken from a birth parent is traumatic. Especially so for an infant or small child who will have PTSD even before they can verbalize their feelings.

Finally, some actual suggestions – a youth group of other adoptees would be wonderful. She likely feels very alone in these emotions and it can be very isolating. She could also be very over stimulated in addition to navigating her current emotions. Does she enjoy outside activities like hiking or is there an animal sanctuary she can go to decompress? Therapy is great, but also it’s nice to have a safe place to feel the feelings without feeling anybody else’s. Horse therapy is a great option as well. She can learn to ride and care for the horses. She may find that horses provide emotional support and understanding that people don’t. She needs to have an outlet to dig deep into herself. I would inquire with her previous social worker about about other resources and groups too. I always found it comforting to be around other kids who were going through similar experiences because it can be very triggering to see traditional families not having to deal with the same type of emotional turmoil.

An adoptee with a similar background (adopted from foster care at age 12 w her 2 younger half sisters) suggested looking into the Safe and Sound music listening protocol for the girl’s emotional regulation and nervous system. She had found this helpful in her own struggle w PTSD and an Attachment Disorder. She said this was for her an amazing life changing resource.

Another adoptee shared her own history and resources – As an adult, I have done the following in conjunction with regular talk therapy: inpatient at a psychiatric hospital, outpatient therapy at the same hospital, 18 week program as an outpatient for 4 hours a day, group therapy program for people with severe mental health issues, online zoom group for suicide attempt survivors. She suggested this adoptive mother ask her doctors, therapists, honestly anyone who will listen, for community resources.

The Chatter Is About Deportation

Someone asked for help to explain to an 11 yr old (who is only at the 3rd grade academically) about his biological father having been deported and this book was recommended, although the circumstances in the book’s story are not the same, it could be a conversation starter for this foster mother. A lot of noise this week about Mass Deportations if the election in November goes in a certain direction.

She mentions that he’s in therapy and his therapist is aware. The therapist suggested was that they tell him together, but that she should explain what the term deportation means ahead of time. She says, “I was able to do that by having a discussion about traveling and living in other countries.”

About this book – In this realistic and empowering tale, Carmen learns that through community and love, she can find strength in herself and maintain her connection with her Papi, who has been detained because of his immigration status. Carmen loves doing magic with her Papi. He can make sarapes fly. He can make rabbits vanish! But one day, her Papi vanishes. She is sad and scared when she learns he has been detained because he is an undocumented immigrant from Mexico. At first, Carmen’s family keeps Papi’s detention a secret, fearing that they might be judged negatively. As Carmen’s community becomes aware of their situation, they rally around her family with love. Carmen learns she can find strength in herself and maintain her connection with Papi, no matter what happens.

A note about the other “Something Happened” books, which present and explain sensitive and important events happening in communities across the United States and around the world. Told in clear, compelling stories, the books come with the authority of psychological expertise from the American Psychological Association. They include Something Happened in Our Town: A Child’s Story of Racial Injustice, which is a New York Times and #1 Indie Bound bestseller, and one of the American Library Association’s most banned books; Something Happened in Our Park: Standing Together After Gun Violence, which was nominated for The Goddard Riverside CBC Youth Book Prize for Social Justice.