Tag: Resentment

A Selfless Act Of Love ?

An adoptee asks – does anyone else get really annoyed when people say “adoption is the most selfless act of love” ? Because no ? I think the most unselfish thing for my biological mom to have done would have been to get her life together, so she could parent her child. And I think the most unselfish thing my adoptive parents (and the Div of Family and Child Services) could have done would be to HELP my biological mom get it together, so she could parent her child. I think it was pretty selfish for my biological mom to just give in and give up because SHE couldn’t get it together for a child she created. And I think it’s pretty selfish of my adoptive parents to just take me, no questions asked, because they wanted to. I don’t know. Nothing about my adoption was selfless. None of it was centered around my best interests. I’m just really angry about it today.

One adoptee responds – As a teenager I had the feeling of “why wasn’t I enough” every so often. But when I met my biological family at 18, I was sooo thankful I was adopted. Absolute disgusting trash of a family. My adopted mom may not be perfect but it definitely made me more grateful for her vs what I could’ve grown up in. I think everyone has their own perspectives. Sometimes it is selfless, because the biological family is in no place to raise a kid. Does it suck? Yes. But in my case, I’m thankful I was taken by the state and adopted out.

Another adoptee notes – I met my birth mother who was a POS that gave two of us up separately. I’m glad I wasn’t raised by her, but that in no way negates me losing all my family, my identity, my vital medical info & updates, my background info, potential relationships, not meeting family who have passed, and suffering the trauma of all that & family separation.

Another person says the truth – It is simply something said to make adoption presentable. It’s gross the way words are used – twisted and weaved – to make the idea of something dreadful and repulsive into something lovely and desirable.

A mother of loss shares her own experience – For me it wasn’t a matter of “not getting my shit together”, it was having people actively working against me, preventing me from getting information and resources that I was either legally entitled to or that it was standard practice to provide. There was absolutely no part of me that did not want my child, but between the constant messages of “if you truly love the baby you’ll do this” and “if you don’t do this we’ll take away any bit of choice you do have”, had I been given the chance to “get my life together”, I absolutely would have, but I was denied that chance.

One who was placed with relatives shares – My mother wasn’t abusive, but wasn’t fully functioning either. She’d been raped to conceive me, and she wanted to leave her cheating husband. Her parents flat refused to help. They themselves called Child Protective Services on her and reported her as neglectful and homeless, because they wouldn’t let her move back home with my sister and me. My sister’s uncle ended up taking me in, because the judge wouldn’t give us back to our mother. (Her dad took her.) She didn’t voluntarily give us up, but she did give up fighting for us and moved away from all the thoughts and memories. The people who took me in played house until their own children were born. Then, they emotionally used me as their surrogate and discarded me as a daughter. They could’ve worked to reach out to her and see if she had her stuff together and could raise me.

Another adoptee shares – My adoption was open and I saw the life my birth mom had vs the life I had with my adoptive parents. I do believe it was selfless. I wouldn’t change my situation. My birth mom and I have a relationship now. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. She did what she felt was best and I agree. I respect her for it. It was her choice and it was selfless in my opinion.

Sadly, this adoptee had an unhappy experience – I am so glad I was adopted. Yes, I do have resentment towards my adoptive parents for some of the decisions that were made in raising me and with how they handled my adoption. But I did reach out and try to establish a relationship with my birth mother. I wish I never would have because she completely destroyed my life. It took years for me to even begin to come back from what she did. And that’s not even touching on the emotional toll I still have to deal with.

Another one shares – No one offered my biological mom help or support. She was a teenager in foster care with no help. She had no choice. No one would help her or support her. So she did the only thing she could do because she clearly couldn’t take care of me. She had no job, no home, no way to take care of me, no support – nothing. I don’t blame my biological mom since I learned the whole truth. She was a child.

This same woman (from above) is raising her cousin’s daughter and her story is – to me – a genuine selfless act of love – my cousin asked me to adopt her daughter because she was struggling with drug addiction. I was just shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She told me that she didn’t want her daughter to end up in the system. I met with her the next day and brought her EVERY RESOURCE I knew of in the area. Coincidently, I worked for the area and knew all the resources for moms who were using while pregnant. My FIRST RESPONSE was to run to her, hug her and tell her this is not your only choice. Let me help you. I can get you into treatment and you can stay with your baby at these places. I know the owners, I can get you in. Plus other resources. I explained to her my adoption trauma and how I would never wish that for anyone. I gave her all the resources and told her I wanted her to look at them. Like really look at them. I would support her however I could, even taking placement until she got on her feet. Several weeks later, she said she still wanted to give her daughter to me and she wants me to adopt her vs guardianship because she doesn’t want Child Protective Services in her life – EVER – which would happen, even if her daughter wasn’t in her custody. So eventually, I agreed on one condition… she stays in her daughter’s life… she was so thankful and grateful. We talk almost everyday. She’s that girl’s mama and always will be.

Another adoptee admits – I think the most selfless thing my first mother could have done would be having an abortion instead of birthing me. My siblings feel similarly (both those kept and those relinquished). And taking a baby and pretending it’s yours, so you can play house and pretend to be its parent, is not selfless to me.

An adoptee struggles with the trope as well – I struggle with the selfless narrative, we hear as well (and some of us are) mothers who you couldn’t pry away from our children, we’d do any and everything to keep them and do our best by our children. Giving your kid away is the opposite, letting someone else worry about feeding, clothing and raising them isn’t selfless, it’s selfish. The adoptive parents rushing in isn’t selfless, they’re selfishly taking someone else’s child.

And there was this compassionate response – My birth mother was gang raped (I found this out a couple years ago). I was conceived pre-Roe v Wade. She didn’t have a choice, unless she wanted to get a back alley abortion. So, what you’re saying is she is supposed to raise me & live that rape everyday ? I’ve always been very pro choice , so give women a right to have an abortion & fight for it!! If the current administration coming in has its way, there’s going to be lots more women & children in my situation & that makes me very angry!! 

From another adoptee – I hate hearing it. Because it makes it seem beautiful that I was abandoned. Which it was not. It’s the greatest wound of my life. What would’ve been beautiful would’ve been the adoption agents actually helping my relatives somehow. Not forcing my mother to sign papers, so I could be shipped abroad. Nothing about it feels selfless. It feels wrong and so sad. While I love my adoptive parents, I hate what happened for me to get here.

And this reality check – If giving up a child is “loving, brave and selfless,” does that mean parents who keep and raise their own children are “unloving, cowardly and merciless?”

And this happens to other mothers of loss – It WAS selfish of me. Adoption offered all these perfect “answers” to allllllll the “problems” that faced me. And since I was given the opportunity to become a living embodiment of a “family building angel” I ate it up. As horrible as it is, I must admit that it felt good to be told I was smart and wise and strong and selfless. I was desperate for that validation and acknowledgment from anyone in my life and of course only the agency offered it. I drank it up. And came home from relinquishing believing in some innate goodness. Which is probably one of the things that kept me alive in the dark times after. I didn’t have to face his father. I didn’t have to face my family. I didn’t have to hear the whispers and gossip ( that existed in my head.. in reality no one would have cared in a few months. So what? I spared myself a few months if discomfit?) I didn’t have to alter my life plans. I didn’t have to even try. And not to end this on a defensive note, but as a kindness to my younger self, she also didn’t know. She didn’t know at 19 that we had a strength within us that would be able to achieve great things in this lifetime. I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea that it wasn’t what they promised it would be. I knew I would hurt and I was willing to take it for the greater good. So I forgive myself and offer grace for what we didn’t know. But it was still a terrible mistake. And yes, indeed a root in selfishness and self preservation. Relinquishment is a desperate act based on survival built on faulty lies as a foundation.

Just one last one – Angry with my adoptive mother – yes. Towards my adoptive father I feel differently because he fostered my relationship with my biological family after my adoptive parents divorced. He never stopped being my bestie and a driving force in my positive mental health. I never was able to fill the shoes my adoptive mother had in her fantasies. I frequently find myself angry about it and found her to be VERY selfish. My biological grandmother gave me away, without my biological mother’s consent.

Contact Agreement

An adoptive mother writes – I adopted a sibling group from foster care a few years ago. At the time, there was no written agreement of contact between myself and biological parent. Bio parent never asked for anything official and because I knew I was open to contact, I really didn’t see the need in doing anything official either. Over the years, there has been contact, including in person visits, but everything was just on our own. Nothing official. Bio parent approached me recently about having something legal and official as far as contact. I am not opposed to this idea, even though I do not have to agree to it (as the adoption was finalized years ago). Anyway, here is where I need help…….

I want to make sure the kids are protected from being forced to do certain forms of contact if they ever don’t want to have contact. In a written agreement, what age would you put for when the children are able to have a say in contact? I am not going to be forcing a teenager, for example, to go to visits if they don’t want to. I really don’t want to be forcing an eight-year-old either so I’m not really sure how to word it to ensure the kids have rights in their contact. Maybe it shouldn’t be written down as a certain age?

Adoptees…..if you were in this situation, what would you want in the agreement? Anything you wouldn’t want? How can I support my adoptees the best with this agreement? Would it be better to not do one and just keep it unofficial?

Some responses – I would include the children, if they are old enough to comprehend, in the conversation. If not, then make it an amendable document with terms you set now and terms you can set as the children age and life evolves. But the decision to have visits can and should always be on the kids. Forcing visits can lead to resentment for both you and their natural family. Make a document that is continually agreed upon by all parties, mainly the children.

Another adoptee admits – it makes me uneasy that the biological parent wants a contract now. I do feel like it could cause the children to be forced into visits down the line, which obviously you should encourage contact and encourage visits, but they should never be forced if the children are old enough to have a say. If you’re already doing that and are willing to keep doing that, I don’t think you need anything legally binding at this moment. I would maybe draft up an informal agreement/schedule to help ease bio parent’s mind, but would put a clause in it saying that ultimately the children have the right to request more calls/visits/contact and to decline any calls/visits/contact.

One had questions – Is there even a legally binding way for bio parent to get visitation? I do feel that supporting the kids in having a relationship with their parent is extremely important, but I’m not even aware of how you would make it legally binding. Do the kids want contact with this parent? How often are they in contact now? I guess I’m wondering if the parent is feeling like they’re being kept from their kids or something, so they feel the need to do this? Sorry for all the questions but I feel like this is missing some context.

The obvious from another adoptee – Because adoption centers on the adoptee, I would ask your adoptees. But … they may not feel comfortable sharing what they really want. So much would depend on their birth family’s situation. I’m pretty sure I would not agree to a legal document now. No way. That said, I would do everything in my power to encourage relationships with their family. Something has shifted for the birthparent. I know my own actions would all be situationally dependent.

This adoptee goes straight and to the point – I so appreciate you centering the children’s wishes in this situation. Contact with the original parents should be child-led.

Another notes and suggests – discuss with the children and see what they would like to do. For now and discuss the possibilities for the future. I don’t know what kind of legally binding contract there could be as it would not likely hold up in court. But even a written, formal contract seems like a lot. Keeping the communication and opportunities for contact open is the most important.

The reality from another – I would not get anything in legal writing. I would just say that you are legally the parent and are uncomfortable with anything in writing forcing visitation as anything can happen down the road. I would ensure her that as long as things remain as they have been and the kids want to visit, you are open to always continuing things with all forms of contact phone etc. But you are not putting anything in writing, especially without an attorney opinion and that costs money and you cannot afford to get an attorney to do that. She has no choice but to take what you offer. Once you put your child up for adoption or your rights are terminated in foster care you cannot try to get rights back.

One person lends their opinion – You legally adopted them, they’re YOUR children now. Why consider anyone else having a say in what they do and giving them legal power ? As someone who worked in the law field, I personally would never encourage this. Don’t allow anyone else, bio parents included, to sway or bully, insinuating they have control or a say over you or your kids. If your kids and you are okay going for a visit – go for a visit ! If not, don’t. Just like any other visit to a cousin’s house or a soccer tournament. Do not sign any legal document that takes any type of decision making power out of your – their mother and guardian – hands. The fact they’re asking for a legal doc is a red flag. The adoption has gone through and is final. Now, no other person should have any legally binding document seeking control of your minor children.

And this important consideration – I would not do anything official personally, especially if drugs were involved. My 11 year old decided she no longer wants contact after mom no showed 20+ visits. It was just too hard on her to get excited for those visits and then, she began to resent her. My story is kind of similar, my dad was on drugs and while my adoptive mom didn’t force us to go, she would allow us to go anytime we wanted to (weeks for breaks, weekends, holidays, etc). I continued to go because he never made good choices due to drugs and I didn’t want my younger sister going alone when she wanted to go. I still have no contact with my father to this day. While I have a good relationship with my adoptive mother and do not resent her, I do wish she would’ve said no to him sometimes too. I know she was trying to allow us to maintain relationships with family but it was just a lot. Especially if drugs are involved, I wouldn’t do it. You never know if she will continue to be a healthy person for the kids. I’d allow a lot involvement as long as she’s showing up, healthy and they’re happy to see her, and leave it at that.

Changing Perspectives

A woman writes – I am a foster parent/almost an adoptive parent. I am adopting my two foster kids in a few weeks. As I’ve been thinking about what comes next, I am really drawn to turning in my foster license and joining LINK>Safe Families for Children as a host family. I would really like to support natural parents and family preservation by helping families in crisis. However I’m wondering how that will impact my adopted kids? Would doing this potentially be traumatic for them? I don’t want to do anything that introduces more trauma unnecessarily.

Some responses – a lot of them wanted her to “just focus on the kids you’re adopting.” An adoptee asks – “Why do you need to split your attention and not focus fully on the children currently in your care They should be your main and only priority at this point, especially if you’re adopting them. If you want to support family preservation efforts, I’d do so with dollars. Give money to organizations that actively work to keep families out of the system to begin with.”

One foster parent admitted – “I would worry a little that they might resent the fact you didn’t do this for their natural parents. The kids could be hurt that their adoptive mom is helping others to keep their kids. I just think this is going to be another major trauma to her littles in the long run. They can be told all day long that their natural parents were not good for them, but seeing their adoptive parent help others keep their kids is still going to hurt them in the long run; how could it not ?”

Another sees the idea differently – Speaking from experience, I can tell you, there is no one who understands another kid in “care” like another kid in “care”. We have adopted, then fostered, and then did safe families and because this was our joint family mission, it worked great ! Make sure you are always on the same page before saying yes to a placement, take breaks when someone needs it and be flexible. Safe families is short term and a fantastic family mission.

Another with similar experience shares – Safe Families is structured to have many different volunteer opportunities…you don’t have to host…you can be a coach or a family friend…those positions don’t require having other kids in your home…My adoptive daughter thinks I am going to “get rid of her” every time a kiddo leaves our home…so we have decided to only take on parenting teens moving forward and give them the opportunity to age out with our children in their life … changing my role to be more of a model/guide, while still being able to help vulnerable families…I do respite for safe families and maintain contact with children and their parents and continue to support, even after they are fully home…you can still help and also not have your kids go through any additional trauma.

One pediatric psychologist asked – “How old are the kids you’re planning to adopt ?” Then, noted – “I would recommend involving them in the decision and honoring whatever feelings they have about it. Consent is super important and unfortunately foster children’s consent is historically non-existent.”

Possession is 9/10s of the Right

Perspective from a Kinship Adoptive mother – 12 years after relinquishment, our adoptees are OUR kids, not hers. Even though their biological mom has made a new and better life for herself and the adopted kids know their story and know her. When they reach 18, they can choose, but until then – I am their mom 100%.

An adoptee commented –  It is wonderful when family can step up, so it doesn’t become a stranger adoption, but when they cannot also treat the original parents as family (for the child they share, if for no other reason) – it is offensive and a bit horrid.

Another shared a similar story – there’s a woman who has provided kinship adoption for *three* of her niece’s children, and is already planning to take the fourth child this woman is currently pregnant with, who talks sooooo poorly of her niece and has the young children call her “mommy”. I only know this and more I shouldn’t even know because she openly shares it at daycare pick up.

The woman who shared the perspective above notes – it really is so sad. I think I hear some of the most hateful things about biological families from kinship groups. They seem to resent the fact they “have to clean up the mess” and talk so poorly about their family and then at the same time do everything in the book and more to take and keep their children.

One adoptee shares – I was a kinship adoptee at 4, and spent my whole life hearing about how awful my birth mother is & how I’m just like her & how they were such saints for taking me in.

One kinship adoptee who is also a kinship guardian writes – Selfish beyond belief. A lot of adoptive parents act like they “won” and own the kids and get off on keeping them in the dark about their biological family because they’re JEALOUS that the kids want to know them… because they “belong” to them after adoption. I will never understand people not encouraging their kids to know their family, even if it isn’t just the parents. Most kids have siblings, aunts & uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc that they deserve to know about and connect with.

Another who is a potential future kinship guardian notes – This always feels like they see these children as possessions instead of people. “100% MY child.” “Legal stranger.” Not allowing a relationship until the children are 18. Someday, this is an adoptive parent that will be making “woe is me” posts about how these children won’t speak to her anymore, and how she has NO IDEA WHY.

In the initial comment, it was mentioned that when the biological mother relinquished her rights, the judge declared her a “legal stranger”. Someone else noted – the reality is, she was probably told “if you don’t relinquish, we’ll take your rights forcibly and that means we’ll remove every child you have after this one.” She probably only relinquished because she was scared and felt like it was her only choice. One dad who was in foster care as a youth writes – That is a skewed interpretation of a “legal stranger.” The court doesn’t mean someone unacquainted or having no relationship with the party. It means someone not involved in the transaction of the child. ie. The judge did not allow the natural mother to have a say in proceedings because she relinquished her legal “interest” in the child. And did she really stand before the judge and do that? I wasn’t even allowed to know the finalization date. I know my daughter’s mother wasn’t there because she was with me that day. They hadn’t told her either. We found out from Facebook, when the adoption agency posted a picture of my daughter, her adoptive parents, and the judge.

One adoptee noticed that the adoptive mother’s comment screams saviorism and ownership. Then, someone adopted as an infant notes – When will you all realize how narcissistic and selfish adoptive parents who adopt for altruistic reasons are to their core?

One comment noted – The more people a child has that love them the better.

A Reality Check

So a struggling mother asks – Is it wrong to give your kid up for adoption if you deal with depression/anxiety and don’t really have much help ? A part of me feels like I will get over everything and be just fine .. another part of me wants to give my kid up for adoption so that they can have 2 parents and grow up in a loving home with good opportunities. Is any of it feasible ?

The reality – Adoption won’t guarantee a better life for your child, only a different one. Adoption is random. Hopeful adoptive parents are not evaluated for mental health, as biological parents are when Child Protective Services is after their kids. Also, divorce is just as common for adoptive parents as it is for everyone else.

Adoption is permanent.

So, you could give your kid away to some random strangers, then go on to win the lottery, meet the love of your life, and meanwhile the adoptive parents could get divorced, lose their jobs, your kid could be raised by an alcoholic hoarder who won’t allow any contact with you, and then when they do find you, they could resent you for depriving them of the life they could have had with you.

Someone else who suffers from depression/anxiety admits – I go through this thought process with every episode. It’s so hard. Adoption doesn’t always equal better.

Someone who experienced both foster care and adoption notes – People have all sorts of reasons to justify giving up their child. They often sell themselves the line that 2 parents are better than a single one, or they are better off because I am dealing with x/y/z. Your kids love you in spite of all of the hard things in life, and honestly, if its something you struggle with – they likely will too. And no one is better to help them navigate it than their birth parent because often times adopted parents just gaslight their kids and don’t get them the proper therapies and then, its compounded by attachment trauma too. Hugs. You are a good mom no matter how you are struggling because you love your kids enough to ask tough questions about your own mental and emotional health. That’s more than most hopeful adopted parents will ever do!

The issue of abortion often comes up in adoptee circles with a variety of opinions. Comparing the trauma on the biological mother of placing her child for adoption as opposed to what she might feel after having an abortion – studies have found that 95+% of people who’ve ended their pregnancies, have no regrets and felt nothing but relief.

One adoptee says – I’ve had an abortion, I don’t regret it at all. Sure, I sometimes wonder what might have been, but I’m not sad about it at all. At least there’s nobody out there wondering why they weren’t good enough to be anyone’s first choice.

Yet another who aged out of foster care, and was never adopted, says – I’m really really grateful and lucky to have not been aborted. For me, I don’t know if its right to decide for someone without their choice that they’re better off dead than adopted.

Then an all-of-the-above person notes – This is hard… I believe that if someone has never had a child they might regret their abortion. I’m a biological mom and an adoptee … I have my own child I parent, I have a biological child that was given up for adoption, and I had an abortion. By far my abortion was the easiest on me emotionally and mentally. I have been tormented emotionally and mentally by the adoption that turned out a total lie regarding it’s openness. I think about her every single day. I wish I would have aborted her but I was selfish. Of course, I would also rather have kept her, if I had the right mindset then. Hindsight is 20/20. But I also know that if I had never given her up, then I wouldn’t have chosen to have an abortion so easily the next time because giving up another child would have never happened again or I’d be dead. But I know, if I had aborted the child I gave up, I would probably have huge regrets because I wouldn’t know how awful it was to give a child up to adoption.

It always is a matter of perspective and circumstance. This blogger notes – I have a biological, genetic daughter that I surrendered to her father due to my own financial struggles (he refused to pay child support, I went into an employment where I could not take her along with me. I was seeking a financial gain that would support us both – I did not foresee leaving her with her paternal grandmother would become her father’s non-legally mandated permanent custody). Then, I had an unplanned, unexpected pregnancy with no interest expressed by that father-to-be. I did end that one with an abortion. Later on in life, in a better marriage and with good financial circumstances, I gave up my genetics to allow my husband to become a biological, genetic father through assisted reproduction. Many women have multiple varieties of reproductive experiences. I do believe ALL women deserve a legal private choice in all reproductive matters.

Wound In The Soul

An adoptee writes – last month I reached out to my mom (biological) and how hurt I was that it went unanswered. She responded the other day, it looks like we’re going to give it another shot. I’m not really looking for anything, just sharing. I’m hopeful but really nervous. We’ll see. And if nothing else, I will know I tried.

She added, I just saw a screen shot of an adoptive parent talking about the kids being “MINE” – if you’re an adoptive parent you should know you don’t own the kid you adopt, we grow up and and into ourselves, we don’t owe adoptive parents our lives or even a connection.

There is no amount of lying, guilt tripping, manipulating, or being so great and or loving that, for some of us, could ever possibly fill the gaping wound in our souls for our actual biological family.

An adoptee suggested – Hopefully you both will try. No expectations except to be yourselves and get to know the other at this place of your lives. Maybe you can have some unanswered questions answered that will be meaningful for you. Wishing you everything you wish for yourselves.

Yet another sympathized – Wishing you good luck in your reconnection.  My messages went unanswered for awhile as well. Just know you’re not alone and there is always hope for a good outcome.

Another adoptee chimed in with this suggestion – Adopters (and foster caregivers): STOP forcing/suggesting the children in your care call you their parent/mom/dad. YOU.ARE.NOT.OUR.PARENT. You are our “caregiver”. Stop pushing your imaginary narrative on Adoptees.

Another adoptee notes – I don’t understand how people genuinely think they own other people. We own ourselves. We share ourselves with those we want to. No one else can claim us, regardless of whether they have paperwork. We aren’t cars that they just get a title to and then own. Some adoptive parents overshare about their adopted kids on public social media, when the children are too young to consent and were adopted at a young age. Their biological parents might have eventually be able to care for them again. If it’s not about ownership, why not enable the parents to keep their kids or be temporary guardians rather than adopting their children ?

Yet another notes – Some people just don’t appreciate that adults are entitled to make their own decisions. My biological family spent years guilt tripping me and demanding that I see my biological mom because she was dying from cancer. I remember being told “she gave you life,” as if I’m indebted to her for all of eternity. She wasn’t there when I was sick and scared as a child. She never acted like a mother to me but I was supposed to step up and comfort her when she was sick ? Having and raising children is the reward for parents. There are no additional requirements to apply.

This one further explains – my biological parent gave me away to someone else to raise (I was not adopted). Then, when I was forced at 13 years old to go live with my biological mom. She blamed me for loving the person who raised me, who walked me to school the first day of kindergarten, who stayed up all night with me when sick, who (although she was not able to walk herself on her own) encouraged me to take first steps, who taught me all she knew with only a second grade education, who basically treated me like her child – while my mother lived her life as if I didn’t exist. She also blamed me for having some of the same mannerisms as the person who she had left me with. In other words, my mother blamed me for her bad decision and took her resentment out on me physically.

Which brings this person to this realization – shitty people will do shitty things to the people around them. Yes, it may be easier to forgive a biological parent for their actions, than it is to forgive an adoptive parent, but in my opinion – people are people and some people do things that hurt others.  As people, we all are not perfect, and we all make mistakes, and our mistakes affect those around us, kids or adults.

To which one notes that sadly neither were some adoptive parents. So it is a matter of perspective. I was to be the cure for my adoptive mother’s “drinking problem” aka alcoholism. Guess what? It did not work.

Someone said –  pretending like having a kid makes you a mother is also a false narrative. A mother is a lot more than just birthing a kid, and it is a lot more than just supporting that kid as they grow. Adoptive parents can be terrible people, because they’re people, not because they happen to have adopted kids, just like some biological parents are terrible people too. There are as many stories of terrible relationships between biological parents and their kids as there are of adoptive parents and their adopted children.

The one who started this goes on to note – I don’t like the assumption that mom and dad can be transferred so easily and based off opinions of people who really have no idea. How adopted people view their biological parents is up to them but from the outside, to claim to know who’s who, if someone is a mom or dad, seems wrong. I know how I view my biological parents and adoptive parents.

I guess the specific question of how a biological mom views herself would be for a first mom to chime in on, they know what they live. Maybe some would agree with you. I honestly don’t know. As far as saying things like “some biological parents are terrible too” and “there are as many stories of terrible relationships between biological parents and their kids, as there are of adoptive parents and their adopted children.” I am going to argue that.

I have not just seen in my own life how differently biological parents are towards their biological child vs an adopted one, even if they are bad parents, the relationship seems to be stronger, there is a natural pull. And of course, no, not always. But I don’t think you can claim those biological vs adoptive relationships are on equal ground, as far too many are not at all.

And, going a step further, I disagree with some adoptive parents not being terrible because they’re adoptive parents. I honestly believe that some could have chosen not to adopt, not to try and fulfill their wants, and avoided the stress the adopted child came with and turned into the person they did.

I think that some adoptive parents are so incredibly naive and by the time they realize the mess they’ve made from getting someone else’s child, it’s too late. They can’t / won’t back out, give the kid back, etc. and they become resentful, they might become abusive and yes, bad people – as an outcome of choosing to be adoptive parents.

A Need To Know

Today, I read this from an adoptive mother – my adoptive daughter wants to research her background with a DNA test. She wants to know her origins and research whatever comes up. We homeschool and she wants to do this as part of her schooling. She just turned 14, so the questions I have are:

(1) Which DNA company is best ?

(2) How do we handle the info she gets ? No one knows who her natural father is, including her natural mother.

I don’t know if it would name a dad. How would we handle that, since her natural mother doesn’t even know who he is ? The father certainly has no clue he created a child.

The adoption is closed. She doesn’t have contact with her natural mother but I do. Honestly, I’d let there be contact but my husband is against it.

This is something I’ve had experience with. Both of my parents were adoptees. Neither really knew anything about their origins. My mom tried to find out with Ancestry but other than some ethnicity information, it didn’t get her where I think her heart wanted to go. I didn’t even know that she had done this, until I did Ancestry simply because I never knew my ancestry. I used to joke I was an albino African because no one, including myself, could say otherwise. I thought my dad was at least half Hispanic. My mom did have a bit of Mali, probably because her ancestral line included slave owners. My dad was half Danish. Who knew their complexion could be so dark ?

I did make progress with both Ancestry and 23 and Me. It helped that I had some names to go by. I rarely pay much attention to either these days. 3rd and 4th cousins don’t mean much. Ancestry was helpful in putting together my ancestor’s family trees and looking at human migrations as well as employment history where noted. 23 and Me brought me into contact with my paternal grandmother’s family. My dad’s father doesn’t seem to have ever known about his son. There is still extensive family in Denmark. My DNA has helped me prove my legitimacy as a family member.

Today, I read this – “Your DNA matches are probably your relatives. But a DNA test only suggests a relationship exists.” That is as truthful as it gets and as informative. Without names, it is only a mystery to solve.

From another child of adoptees I read this (it also proved useful for my nephew in his own search and connected him with his true father – information my sister tried to hide from ALL of us) – We used Ancestry, 23&Me as well as Search Angels to find my grandparents. Ancestry was the best in terms of ethnicity and finding my grandmother’s side of the family. Search Angels used the Ancestry information to find grandfather’s information.

I highly recommend this tool for getting answers, but you also need to be prepared for a lot of information that will generate more questions, as well as open the door to biologically related family. This is a GOOD thing for your 14 year old but she also needs support at home while processing this information. If your husband is going to cause issues, I would bring her therapist in to be part of this journey. I’d also add some extra sessions where you can join and create a plan for how to support her.

This is such an important thing for her to do and you owe it to her to support her. Remove any barriers that will cause guilt, shame, frustration at home. It will bring you all closer. If your husband gets in the way, be ready for her to resent him (and possibly you) over time.

The Right To Grieve

I am running short on time today (what’s new ?). This adoptee’s story (not my own) makes some important points today and so, I share.

I was adopted at birth and found out around age 5/6. My ”aunt” and my “cousins” were really my biological mom and siblings. I was the middle child. I found out at a very young age about my biological dad. We had contact a few times, without my adoptive parents unaware because they always discouraged me. When they found out, they made me block him in every sort of possible contact ever. Monitored my phone and e-mail constantly.

I found out a few years later that he passed away in a motorcycle accident.

Anyways, I have a lot of resentment towards my adoptive parents ~~ because that was taken away from me and I never get to have that now. I have a hard time processing whether I have the right to grieve a person I barely knew – but that was my dad.

It just feels messed up.

I feel like there’s this hole in me that will never be filled because it can’t.

We had a DNA test done and I’m definitely his. Which I sometimes selfishly feel like I wish that was wrong and someone else was my biological dad so I could have that chance – but it is what it is.

So much of my life, I feel like, has just been taken away from me. It feels unfair.

Closing The Door

From a domestic infant adoptee, now 35, who has been contemplating changing her name to her real last name. Also possibly changing her first name too. The more she’s worked through her life experiences and struggles, the more she wants to close the door on who raised her. She goes on to admit that – they were probably decent parents. But I don’t recall any feelings of love, attachment, safety or comfort. I’ve harbored resentment for them both and as I try to work on myself, it only gets worse. She says, I’ve gone through all the phases of trying to be ok with my story. But I’m not ok with it. I can’t forgive them. I realize that I actually do hate these people. My first name is nothing special. She heard it back in high school and liked it. Her biological child has full family “heirloom” name. When I hear her say my name, it makes me grind my teeth.

Another adoptee notes – a name change is a very personal decision, one you have every right to make for yourself !! If you connect more to your birth name, then I say go for it. It’s probably a very empowering feeling to go do this for yourself.

Another said – If you know your true name and you want to claim it, CLAIM IT!!!!

One shared –  I’m in the process of socially changing my name right now while I wait for the funds to legally change it. I’m changing it back to my birth name because it’s a name I’ve always loved and it’s a bit more androgynous and I don’t like my feminine name. I really knew I had to change my name when I couldn’t bear to tell my son what my name was.

It’s hard to get used to hearing a new one but it sounds better in my brain than my old name. Lots of friends/family are resistant to calling me my new name and that’s been pretty hard. My adoptive mom threw a fit basically. Trying to explain why I’m changing my name and why they should respect that and call me my chosen name has been very difficult because they just don’t understand and think I’m being ridiculous.

I feel a sense of euphoria when I meet someone new and I tell them my (new) name and then they call me that. I started trying my new name out online or for take out orders and stuff before I took the plunge, just to see how I’d feel, and once I realized I liked it I started going more mainstream with it.

Yet another adoptee admitted – My adoptive parents translated my name, then shortened it. I grew to really dislike that name. I have “reclaimed” my actual name and everyone calls me that. I truly wish my adoptive parents had never altered it. My name was really the only thing that I had that truly was my own.

It is easy to see why a lot of adoption reformers are suggesting NOT to change your adopted child’s name. Better yet, chose guardianship rather than adoption if at all possible.