It’s Hard To Feel Different

In looking for an image, I discovered this child’s book about feeling different by Doris Sanford published in 1986. The summary says – “A young boy is portrayed as he sorts out the hurt of ‘being different’ . . . at school. The boy knows he is not like other children . . . He finds true friendship with a little lamb, Fluffy. Fluffy ‘speaks’ truths to the boy about his specialness and how he is loved in spite of his differences. Ages 5 and up.”

From an adoptive parent today – We have an open adoption, more so with our son’s father and less so with his mother. Our son is 8 and has says every few months that he wishes he wasn’t adopted. He has known his birth story since birth. We visit his father’s family twice a year and he loves seeing his half sister. I’ve been struggling with the right supportive language to help him with those hard moments. I tell him that it must be hard to feel different. He says things like I’m the only adopted kid at my school.

One adoptee notes – if a person said almost every month that they were sad their mother died, would that be something to pathologize? If a person said they wished their mother never died, would you try to stop them from saying it? Losing one’s entire family, ancestors and all IS sad. As the perpetrator of the separation from his family, your comfort will ring hollow.

Someone asks – When he says he wishes he wasn’t adopted, is he saying he wants to be with his natural parents?

A mature adoptee notes – Wish I had an answer for you but sadly do not. Being the only adoptee etc. A feeling that has stayed with me my entire life and I am 72 yrs old. Not to say all times were bad but this being on the outside looking in, is always in the background.

Another adoptee asks – If his father can raise his half sister, why is he not raising him? Why is he separated from his family? I ask, because I was in the same boat. There’s nothing my adoptive family could have said and there’s not enough therapy that could have made things easier for me. He is well within his right to be angry.

One shares some personal experience – I’m an adoptee and I have fostered a child.. anyway… I always think … if kids see their parent … raising another child, it would really make them feel bad – like “why don’t they love me ?” … the child I fostered has a 1/2 brother who mostly lives his dad. The mother fought her ass off to get her daughter back from me, which is great. But has not put in the effort to get him back and he follows her on social media and is allowed to come when his dad feels like it … I just always wonder how he must feel.

An adoptee asks – Have you asked him – what part of being adopted exactly is making him sad ? Are you giving him the freedom to truly express himself or are you saying placating words like “I know, it’s hard to be different”, which actually closes down open discussion ? Is he seeing a therapist ? If not get him in to one!

From a late discovery adoptee – “it must be hard to be different” rings so hollow! I couldn’t stand it when adults said fake crap like that to me. I’d always see right through it, even as a small child!

Which caused another adoptee to write – For me, it rings hollow because it reinforces that I AM different, and at least for me, carries the implication that “different” is less than and not as good. It doesn’t just validate my feelings, it tells me that my feelings are facts.

Another late discovery adoptee acknowledges – The past cannot be undone, but perhaps acknowledging to him that you accept that the way things happened and the way you and his natural family did things were not the best they could have been, will be a good start. Is working towards shared custody or reunification something he wants or even a possibility ?

One adoptee can relate – That’s a tough age to deal with being adopted. I had huge feelings that I couldn’t put into words and I was also the only adopted kid with my peers, as my adopted sister refused to talk about it. The kids would tease me and ask the craziest questions that make you feel so alone (ie: do your AP’s make you clean all the time? Do you call them mom and dad? Why didn’t your real mom like you enough to keep you? Was there something wrong with you when you were born?). Having another adoptee as a friend or therapist helps us to feel normal and understood. You’re seeking the right words but there are none. You are already helping him in all the ways you can – by keeping the adoption open, being supportive and his safe place. Please keep trying to find another adoptee therapist, support group, or friend. You benefited from the adoption, while he lost everything, so you aren’t able to fully understand and comfort him.

One adoptee who was adopted as an infant says – I’m 41 and HATE BEING ADOPTED. Does that ever go away?? I don’t think it does. I’m not sure there’s much you can do about his very valid feelings in the matter.

One adoptive parent made a point that was on my own mind – Can you increase the amount of visits with his sister and dad ? Twice a year isn’t a lot of time to really form that bond. Even with distance, there might be other ways to improve the contact.

One kinship adoptee suggested – always validate his feelings, don’t internalize them & make it about you because it’s not. It’s his life that was uprooted.

One mature adoptee tells the truth – I’m 57 and still wish I wasn’t adopted. There were/are no words anyone (especially my adoptive parents) can say that will change that, ever. It also has nothing to do with feeling “different”. One of the worst things my adoptive mother did was pretend she knew how I felt, which was impossible since not only was she not adopted, but she gained from my adoption. It’s very hard for someone to come off as a sincere support when they gained from my loss.

Yet another mature adoptee – It *is* hard to feel different and to not understand why you can’t be with your biological family. I hated being adopted, I’m 40 now and *finally* coming to terms with the damage it caused me. My adoptive family doesn’t speak to me. Haven’t heard from them in over 4 years. They didn’t adopt me for life, just for when it was convenient for them. Those feelings of hurt never completely go away. Then, OMG, comes this – There’s more horror to my story, the abandonment came after I attempted suicide and they used the system to steal my oldest child from me. I feel like I was exploited to fill their void yet again and my daughter is suffering because of it. That spiraled me hard into addiction and homelessness but by the grace of God, I am still alive and coming back to living for the first time in my life. It’s a lot to unpack! My adopter was looking for the excuse to abandon me for a long time, since she flat out told me I was the worst mistake she ever made and she wished she never adopted me. We are disposable to them. It’s painful to say the least.

Wanted To Be Found

One adoptee answered a mother of loss’s dilemma with “I always wanted to be found.” When I found my cousin, the daughter of my mom’s half-sister, who knew my mom had bee adopted out of the family, she told me that her mom always hoped my mom would turn up, would find her, so they could sit and chat. This half-sister had only died a few months before I learned of her. My adoptee mom wanted to find her mom but was denied by the state of Tennessee.

Here’s the story of her dilemma – I had my son when I was 15. I was still a child and had no idea what I was doing. I believed that it would be in the best interest of my child to have a stable family with a mom and a dad who would be able to provide for him. I grew up in a broken home and I didn’t want that for my son. I interviewed so many hopeful adoptive parents, until I found a couple that seemed like family. We communicated via email, pictures/letters – always from me to the adoptive mother. I have never had any contact with my son directly. He will be 20 this coming summer and I have found him on social media. My question is for adoptees, do I reach out? I want so badly to have a relationship with him but I also don’t want to disrupt the life that he has. I did grow up, get married and have additional children. Will my attempt to forge a relationship with him at this point be more of a negative impact on his life?

An adoptee answers – He may be different. Each person’s journey is different. For me, I would have liked it if my first mother reached out to me. I’d say the only way to find out is to ask him. Part of the struggle as an adoptee is not having the opportunity to decide any of these things for ourselves. Give him the choice. Be prepared for whatever he decides.

Another adoptee notes – The majority of adopted people would appreciate your reaching out. Offering to answer any questions he might have. Knowing that he is an adult now, but perhaps not knowing if he was actually told that he was adopted… or if he does know, exactly what he was told about you. There’s also the concept that many adopted people don’t want to hurt their raising parents – it is crazy how often adopters really do let us know that it is “hurtful” to seek out the original family members. Definitely do reach out – don’t go overboard until he gives you feedback as to what his own situation and feelings are… I wish that my own mother wasn’t so traumatized by the system, so we could have even one adult conversation. A relationship? I would have jumped at that opportunity. I wish that for you all.

In response to the above, another adoptee affirmed – I want to emphasize the do not go overboard. Go slow, like molasses. Let him choose the pace. Don’t spurt out answers to questions he my not even know he has yet. And keep a journal, both for him and for you. It can act as a release valve. All the things you wanted to say, but it was too soon. I wish you peace going forward.

Another said – I would have loved it if my first mum initiated contact but completely understand her thoughts around this are different to mine. I don’t think initiating contact would disrupt anyone’s life. If he knows he was relinquished, he would most likely have the thought of contact floating around in his head .

A late discovery adoptee shares – Found my biological father at 20. Would have been great to know he had also been looking for me. One of the big things I struggle with is being angry, even after 18 years since finding him. Angry he knew and never tried and that I missed out on years of knowing my younger siblings and extended family.

Another says simply – Please reach out to him for both of your sakes.

One adoptee admits – I wish my biological family would reach out. It was a closed adoption and I know nothing about my background. I reached out via 23 and Me to a brother I found but I have had no response. I would love for my biological family to find me but everyone’s journey is different. I had a tumultuous upbringing and I have no family – so it would be nice for me to connect. I’m 37 and I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until recently. Went my entire life not knowing and not caring about my biological family. Only recently, have I had a change of feelings. I would do it if I were you – just be prepared if your biological son is hurt and let him express his feelings. Listening is so important.

One writes – I wish my mother would have ever reached out to me. I had to spend most of my adult life searching for her and it made me feel like it wasn’t worthwhile because my thoughts were ‘if she wanted to, she would’. You don’t have to disrupt, just a message letting them know that the door is open, if they are interested in having a conversation. I would have loved to know I wasn’t forgotten.

Yet another – My advice would be to go for it. You never know if you don’t try. I had been looking for my mom and she had been looking for me, but she found my contact info first and made the initial contact. You never know – he might be looking, too. Wishing you the best. It meant a lot to know my mom had been trying to find me, too.

This was good advice too – When my birth family (siblings) reached out to me, I didn’t respond right away (took me a year). I needed time to take it in due to situations going on. If he doesn’t respond right away, I don’t want you to feel defeated or rejected. Some of us need time to process it. I wish you the very best & encourage you to reach out.

Another shares – I’d say to definitely reach out but leave the terms open for him to decide / control. It was very hard on me when my “mom” reached out to me the first time. It ended up turning very negative, but I can say that at least it happened. My “dad” to this day, despite speaking with my sister, his other daughter, and having a relationship with her.. he has made zero attempt to know me or reach out. Put the ball in his court but take that first step. You don’t want to regret not doing so and I’m sure he would at least be curious!

Yet another experience – I didn’t get to speak to my dad from 12/13-22 and when I finally reached out, I felt very bummed that I could find him so easy but he never tried to find me. I think you run the risk of being rejected, of course, but you still would be doing the right thing by reaching out and just saying – if there’s anything you want to know, I will answer it and I would love to learn more about you, and whatever boundaries you need to set, you are more than welcome to.

Finally, this – Reach out. It is achingly horrible not knowing. I found my first mom before she found me. They lied to her. I unsealed it all and met her face to face within weeks. The reunion hasn’t been all roses and unicorns. But I’m so glad to know her today.

In a later response, this mother wrote – Thank you everyone for your insights on this matter! I know that every situation is different, I was just hoping that if posted, I would get a wide variety of responses to help me. I will be reaching out. Now I just need to try to find the words that convey how much I am willing to be there for him but also, I don’t want to put any stress or pressure. I am definitely willing to go at his pace or no pace at all, if that is his choice. It’s such a fine line and I don’t want to make any more mistakes. I do know that he was told he was adopted – so I won’t be completely destroying his world. Thank you again for your help!

Is It ?

Adoption is often compared to human trafficking by adoptees and birth mothers. It is easy to see the connection – money is exchanged and a baby is tendered.

“Adoptions resulting from crimes such as abduction and sale of and trafficking in children, fraud in the declaration of adoptability, falsification of official documents or coercion, and any illicit activity or practice such as lack of proper consent by biological parents, improper financial gain by intermediaries and related corruption, constitute illegal adoptions and must be prohibited, criminalized and sanctioned as such.” ~ UN Human Rights Office of the High Commissioner

One thoughtful response was this – We can no longer afford to ignore those who have been taken, stolen, and trafficked through adoption / for adoption. There are far too many who are victims of war crimes, colonization, and cultural genocide to dismiss the fact that adoption is a criminal industry.

Human trafficking is not just sex trafficking. Multiple sources have indicated the fastest growing criminal industry in the world is the buying and selling of people. It is a $150 billion dollar industry. Surrogacy is a $14 billion dollar market already. It is projected to increase to $129 billion within the next ten years.

This is the future of adoption. While we argue amongst ourselves, the industry continues to grow and expand into new markets. We think we are winning this war as adoption programs are being investigated and closing. However, the industry is simply refining it’s operations and shifting markets.

Understand that adoption was created as a cover for human slavery and human trafficking over 400 years ago. Read Adoption: What You Should Know by Dr. Janine Myung Ja (Vance) for this important history of the adoption industry. (Essay LINK>Dear Adoption, Don’t Use Me from Janine’s twin sister, Jenette Yamamoto)

What we’re up against in the U.S. is that the government has taken a narrow definition of human trafficking as sexual exploitation and forced labor. Monetization of social media content based on the child’s adoption, and turning them into “child influencers” is not considered human trafficking for forced labor in the U.S. simply because they were “adopted” and not trafficked.

Family Transmission

In my own family, with 2 adoptee parents, I have seen how awareness of their adoptions and acceptance of this a being one of the most natural things in this world (note – it is NOT), led to my 2 sisters giving up their babies to adoption. This is an effect that transmits itself down family lines or so I do believe.

Reading a story today in the Washington Post that I arrived at via Reddit (which my sons do but I have rarely visited) by LINK>Amber Ferguson about a woman who was denied an abortion in Texas and subsequently placed her daughter for adoption. She notes that “We know this story doesn’t reflect the experience of everyone who has been denied an abortion or experienced adoption.”

She linked the Washington Post story, LINK>After abortion attempts, two women now bound by child, which seems to have allowed me to read it. In that story, this caught my own attention – Evelyn, who gave up the baby, was adopted by her own parents at 3 weeks old. Her parents were in their mid-40s at the time and had not been able to conceive naturally. Although Evelyn had always felt close to them, she was petrified to tell them about the pregnancy. “My parents are in their early 70s. I didn’t have a job or any money. I didn’t want to put it on them to raise the baby,” Evelyn remembers thinking.

She had dated a guy she met on social media and they had casual sex. The relationship went downhill swiftly. When her pregnancy test revealed the truth, a single thought swirled through her head: I can’t have a child. I can’t have a child. I can’t have a child. The relationship with her baby’s father ended after she told him about the pregnancy. She immediately began making plans to have an abortion.

She was six weeks and four days pregnant, so the clinic’s staff advised her to go to Oklahoma before that state adopted an abortion ban, too. Evelyn has been reunited with her own birth mother, Tamela, who lived near the Oklahoma border. Her birth mother was a teenager when she became pregnant with Evelyn. With the encouragement of her adoptive mom, Evelyn had found her on Facebook in 2016. They stayed in touch. Evelyn hoped she would be able to understand her predicament. Tamela says she was surprised by Evelyn’s call but immediately understood her fear. “You don’t think it’s going to happen to you, that you’re going to get pregnant so young. And it’s scary. It’s very scary because it happened to me,” Tamela remembers thinking. Evelyn remembers Tamela telling her that she was making a good decision and that ending the pregnancy would be best for her future.

The clinic’s doctor estimated that she was nine, possibly 10 weeks along and handed her a prescription for mifepristone. She should dissolve the pills under her tongue to start a medication abortion, according to the prescription she received from the clinic. She was told to take the remaining four pills, misoprostol, “orally” at home within 48 hours. She didn’t take the second dose until she returned to her home in San Antonio, nearly two days later. She wanted to be at home where she would have more privacy, Evelyn says. Her stomach had started to cramp. Then she saw the blood clots in the toilet. She bled for hours and had spotting for a couple of weeks. Confident it had worked, she says she didn’t bother to make the follow-up doctor’s appointment the clinic had strongly recommended.

When she still hadn’t gotten her menstrual cycle, she took another pregnancy test and was stunned when it came back positive. At the hospital, Evelyn fainted when she saw that there was a heartbeat, and was in and out of consciousness for about five minutes. Perhaps it’s time to consider adoption, the midwife told her. “No, no, no, I can’t go through with the pregnancy,” Evelyn responded.

Evelyn says she didn’t know the pills sometimes didn’t work. It is a rare occurrence, but she later learned that 3 percent of medication abortions fail when gestation reaches 70 days, or 10 weeks, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. The odds of failure increase if the patient waits longer than prescribed to take the second dose of the medication, several medical experts said.

She hadn’t seriously considered adoption, despite being adopted herself, until it became too late to even have a surgical abortion. Having reached that point, she knew that was the only option. Evelyn says she knew adoption could be positive. Her parents had given her an ideal childhood.

You can read the rest of the story at the Washington Post link above.

Adoption Gift Receipt

The “gotcha” thing is common but I’ve never liked it. Today, I read something about a gift receipt ? related to an adoption. I was completely lost on this one. The adoptive parents were asked if they kept the “gift receipt” to which they answered “she’s already been ours.”

Some comments – “The gift receipt comment just…Completely and absolutely oblivious to how much that dehumanizes that child.”

Then this – “I was ready to possibly say just delete and move on but the “gift receipt” comment really gets to me and it gets so tiring how how casually shit like this is thrown out there. It reminds me of how my parents referred to me as being “on sale” because they adopted me the day before the adoption rates at the agency I was placed with went up. It’s not cute or funny. It’s dehumanizing and gross.”

And this (I think I’m beginning to understand . . . ) “like wtf makes people okay with saying the shit they say?! It’s so disgusting the way they use these “cute innocent” remarks and jokes to glorify our trauma. It made me sick reading the gift receipt thing like what?! And with social media now… can you imagine this little girl growing up and finding this and reading that. In some ways social media had made adoption even worse then it already was.”

And one more from a mother of loss to adoption – “my daughter grew up hearing how she was a ‘gray market baby’. I was preyed upon and “pre birth matched” back before that became a thing.”

But before reading those comments above, I was searching google on this. I noted how many kinds of “adoption” certificates are out there !! Really. From Olive Trees to African Rhinos, Aardvarks, Monkeys and Unicorns. I’m certain you get the idea, everything under the sun; and of course, puppies and kittens. And a gift certificate for a day of play. No wonder I was so totally lost about the issue (though not any longer, now I do understand).

If you don’t know why “Gotcha” is an issue – read this – LINK>The Controversy of ‘Gotcha Day’.

And why I write these blogs – change happens on a systemic level, not an individual one. I have to remind myself of that a lot. I am constantly reminding myself that if I am true to my principles of trying to make that change happen, there are actionable things I *can* do that make a bigger impact and hurt less than try to change one heart at a time on social media.

It Matters

An adoptee’s story – I recently met a biological 2nd cousin at a funeral of her brother, whom I had already known. We were both delighted to finally meet in person. She lives in NC and I live in NJ, so the opportunities for this are few. We loved meeting each other!

She told me her daughter’s adopting a baby and she’s so excited to finally become a grandmother. I replied, telling her I’m so happy for her, and also sad for the baby who is losing a mother. She said the mother is addicted to drugs and she’s hoping the mother “will just disappear”. She admitted (without my prompting) that she knows this is “kind of selfish”, but it’s still how she feels. I couldn’t believe she said the quiet part out loud! – to an adoptee in the family, who obviously was so happy to be able to know my biological family and was just meeting a number of them for the first time! She couldn’t make the mental connection between my need to know them and this baby’s need to know their own biological family.

Because I had only just met her, I kept silent, but thought to myself that I could send her the book “Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency” to help her understand the child’s need to know at least some people in their biological family. And then I could follow up with the suggestion that it might be safe and even advisable for the child to have supervised visits with the mother…Even if it seems unnecessary to the adoptive family.

She had concerns – Too forward? She won’t read it? She’ll be angry and won’t read it? She’ll be angry and reject me? If that’s a possibility, should I still do it? Why does all this have to be so complex?

From an adoptive parent – I think it really depends on the person. When I was a hopeful adoptive parent I would have surely read it. I read everything I could find online and off. Others who had walked the journey before me (because there weren’t adoptee or birth parent voices readily found online at that time) were my teachers. They opened my eyes to the ethical implications, the way separation at birth alone causes trauma and that it’s not reserved for a 15 year old who grew up in Russian orphanages. None of it was enough to stop my adoption plans but it did help me to go into it with eyes wide open. I didn’t adopt domestically though. But yes – send the book.

Another adoptive parent one agreed – it’ll depend on the person, I would’ve read it but probably would have been sort of guarded against it. The fact that she mentioned knowing it was kind of selfish makes me think she might be open to it… hopefully! I also specifically searched for adoptees specific to the international program I was looking into and they existed but were extremely minority voices. The messaging I was getting back then was how to adopt more ethically. Not the downfalls of adoption entirely. Shortly after there were good books written and more and more voices speaking out and more and more priority given to those voices. With social media, things changed quickly. So while there were resources before, there was infinitely more easily acceptable voices now. But really my point is just that you never know what will break through to a potential adopter and I think books are a great way to spread information and start that conversation.

Another one thought – I think she would definitely have something to gain from it but most people are not receptive to that, especially people from older generations, and i dont know if its something i would want to say outright if you want that relationship. Also it might be more helpful to have that conversation with the people actually adopting. I have relatives that feel that way and they can feel that way but we are still going to have contact with other family members anyway and it’s not up for discussion. Our contact with them is more limited. Since you’ve already lost this family one time, maybe build a relationship with them first and see if they seem receptive to talking about the hard parts of adoption. My second cousins were adopted out and we didn’t have any contact until one was an adult, still don’t have contact with the other. We have had some serious talks about adoption. Our parents generation in our family does not acknowledge their trauma and the challenges it caused in their life. I’ve seen my cousin basically written off for this and that’s the main reason i would approach it cautiously. It may be worth considering expressing it more about how you felt growing up and hoping they can make that connection. I feel statements tend to be something people are more receptive to.

An adoptee expresses her perspective – Unfortunately it isn’t possible for anyone to predict her reactions. However, I would consider it divine providence that you came into their lives right as a new adopted baby is. It can be an opportunity for them to have a deeper understanding of the baby’s needs. Say your peace, respectfully, and with a soft heart. Don’t make the truth harder to swallow that it has to be – if you want them to actually be receptive. It sounds like you do care about them – so just follow your instincts. If they react poorly, you’ll know that it wasn’t your doing but something broken in them.

Is Your Behavior Unethical

Questions to consider, if you want to take responsibility for unintended but unethical behavior –

Did you use an adoption agency that has consistently unethical practices?

Did you pay tens of thousands of dollars?

Did you participate in pre-birth matching?

Were you in the delivery room/at hospital?

Did you seek out states without a revocation period?

Did you troll Facebook groups looking for expectant mothers?

Did you send your profile to Obstetrician offices and leave “business cards” on college campuses?

Did you aggressively advertise on social media and Craigslist?

Did you fight the parents, if they tried to revoke?

For foster to adopt parents:

Did you support reunification?

Did you sabotage reunification?

Do you realize you chose to also participate in a corrupt system?

Violating Boundaries

I’ve been guilty, even when trying not to violate them. Today’s story from an adoptive mother – I am wondering how to best respect my kid’s wishes without cutting her mom off. She’s 9. Her mom really loves her and wants pictures and updates “whenever”. I’ll ask my kid if it’s okay if I send a photo to her mom after we’ve taken it and she’ll almost always say no. I don’t want to ignore her wishes and send the pictures without asking or against her wishes, but I don’t want her mom to feel cut off when she’s not getting any photos or updates for awhile. The other thing is that her mom almost never reaches out for updates but is always happy to receive them. I’m trying to do what I can to help them both. Thoughts?

A kinship adoptive mother replies – I agree with those who’ve said not to send them. I have custody of a 16yo who’s lived with me for almost 2.5 years. Recently when angry, she blurted out that she hates me sharing her whole life on Facebook. That comment made me realize I’d never asked her permission to make FB posts about her and her accomplishments, etc. Of course, my first thought was – Well geez. I’m just proud of you, want to make sure your family members can see you grow, etc. In my head, I had a million good reasons for why I was doing what I do. But ultimately in the end, it makes her uncomfortable and I violated her boundaries without even realizing I was doing anything wrong. So a big apology ensued and I no longer post anything about her on social media. If she wants someone to see something or know something she can share it herself. Definitely respect your daughters’ boundaries and let her have the final say.

The first one was convinced – Will definitely continue respecting her wishes and see if we can facilitate different means of connection with her mom.

Health Is Why Some Reach Out

My mom had a mysterious health condition which caused her to want contact with her original mother (before she was adopted). Today’s story reminds me that is the reason many adoptees search for their genetic family.

I was adopted at birth. My son and I have been dealing with some neurological health issues and we were ultimately diagnosed this year with a genetic nerve disease. It pushed me to do Ancestry and I found my paternal family. My half brother and his wife are very active on social media, so I reached out to them and it’s been wonderful. His dad told him about me when he was a teenager, so that made it easier on both of us.

(blogger’s note – I found out something similar from the daughter of my mom’s genetic, paternal half-sister. Her father had told her mother about my mom. It did help a lot regarding how I felt about that side of my complicated family.)

He’s so receptive and we text quite a bit. He’s been able to clear up the medical stuff and provide family information. I’ve been able to provide info he didn’t know. I asked him if he was going to tell his dad and he said yes but he hasn’t, yet. It’s been about 4 months and I think he’s worried about what his parents’ response will be and there is another brother that doesn’t know about me either. On one hand, I’m in no hurry and feel so grateful. This has been such a blessing. On the other, I feel a little vulnerable waiting on his timeline. I’m always wondering if he’s told him and if he wants nothing to do with me (the agency reached out to him in 2009 and he never responded).

blogger’s note – In my own experiences as well. This is how it goes. A step or two forward and then . . . not much.

Photos on Social Media

I will admit that I have not been overly cautious about my privacy on social media. I’m a bit more cautious about my husband and children. I rarely mention names but on occasion have posted photos of my sons – but not frequently. Things become a bit more controversial when adoptees (especially young ones) are the focus.

I read this today and thought it was worth sharing here – Is it okay to share pictures of adopted children on secure/controlled social media, that’s managed by me until they are old enough to do it themselves, with only their biological family added to the account to view the pictures.

I’ve asked this question in other groups and the majority answer given by adoptees was NO, it’s not okay to share pictures of children on Social Media without their consent. I fully understand this and don’t want to do anything without the children giving consent. That said it did kind of turn into a lot of mixed things being said that I’ve been thinking about over the past few months.

The main rebuttals to not doing it were:

1. Children shouldn’t have their pictures shared without their consent. So much has already been done to adoptees without their consent and adoptive parents shouldn’t add to that.

2. Social Media is scary and can be used by malicious people for predatory reasons.

3. Once it’s on the internet it’s always there and the children might feel like they’ve been violated by so much being shared.

4. Some technology advice was given.

5. Social Media can easily lead to oversharing the adoptees story.

6. Many adoptive parents use their adoptive stories as click bait to get likes/self validation.

That said the majority of adoptees seemed to appreciate my rationale and saw that I was trying to build/maintain family connections. Because of that many gave suggestions for picture sharing such as:

1. Continue to text/email pictures

2. Continue to develop pictures and put them into photo albums and give them in person during meetups/etc.

I appreciate all the feedback I was given and have taken a few months to think it over. I’m still torn if I’m being honest and was hoping by providing clarification on my thoughts it might add insight and promote further discussion to aid my understanding/decision.

If I were to share on Social Media, it would be a locked account that everyone involved knows I’m managing until the children are old enough to take it over themselves. It would never be my personal social media. I’ve never shared anything on my personal social media aside from private groups and even then, I try my best to keep it vague because the entire world doesn’t need to know – not just my life, but so many other people’s personal business, especially the children involved.

My reasoning for still considering this is:

1. There are barriers to texting/emailing pictures such as data limits on phones, phone numbers changing, me never knowing if – me texting pictures when it’s a convenient time for me – might not be a convenient time for the person on the receiving side. I worry that therefore I might be causing harm despite having good intentions. Also, with email limits on how many pictures can be sent, even then, my program struggles to go through – no matter if I try on my phone or computer. With emails it forces me to use Dropbox at times and the pictures expire in 30 days. Also the second I send a text or email it can easily be uploaded to Social Media. Which I don’t mind, I don’t feel that it’s my place to try and set limits on what others do with pictures of their family. (I’m mindful of the pictures being sent and don’t send weird bathtub pictures or things like that.)

2. There are also barriers to sharing physical pictures. Anytime I’ve shared a picture by either text/email, I also get a physical copy made and do my best to get them to as many people as I can, when I can. Despite my best efforts there are some people who end up with a lot more than others. Asking family to meet up with an adoptive parent to see their family either in person or on calls isn’t an easy ask. Although it’s easy to assume that it’s good for them because at least they get something, it’s also very hard. I can’t imagine seeing your family, loving them, then seeing them cry when it’s time to go because they don’t get to go with you and have to go with their adoptive parent, or just having to see them leave with essentially a stranger, with or without tears. There are many reasons/possibilities but the fact is, I’m able to see conflicts with some more than others, therefore some get a lot of pictures and others don’t. Another barrier to physical pictures are that they can be lost. Also physical pictures can easily be scanned by any phone and shared to social media. If pictures are lost, there’s not much I can do other than reprint them. With scanned pictures there’s not much I can do, and again I don’t think it’s my place to try to tell someone what to do with pictures of their family.

3. There is also a huge bonus for me with sharing on Social Media. It would make it a lot easier for me to upload multiple pictures and share it with multiple people. Like everyone, I’ve got a lot going on. It’s easy for me to forget who got what pictures and accidentally leave someone out. If I could streamline my picture sharing process, it would give me more time to be present with the children, or not stay up late trying to do it all. I also wouldn’t have the worry/guilt of possibly forgetting someone. I’m fearful that I might say/do something to offend someone, therefore making it harder for them to want to deal with me in order to see the children while they are young and still need my help with facilitating all of this. I also think by sharing pictures with some of the people who haven’t been able to meetup with me and the children, for whatever reason, these would benefit too, and if their situation changes it might make it easier for them to contact me, therefore the children could possibly get more of their family.

With how fortunate we’ve been with having so many people who are willing to work with us, despite this being something no one involved wanted, I truly believe that my/our children will always have their family. I know as they get older they might feel differently about things. I don’t believe they would be upset about their pictures being shared with people they love, just like other non-adoptive kids don’t think much of their pictures being shared with their family & people they love. I could be wrong with that assumption though. I’ve involved them with picking out pictures, and who they are going to. They definitely don’t understand Social Media or the internet fully but they know their situation. They know when they were in foster care, the plan changed from reunification to adoption, that only changes things legally and no matter what – their family will always be exactly that, their family. When we think of things and explain them to the children it’s explained as there is my side of the family, my husband’s side of the family and their side of the family. They know their mom is their mom and I’m their adoptive mom, they know their aunts/uncles/grandparents and how they are related via Moms/Dads side. My intentions are to be as open, painfully honest and as factual as possible with them, always – even when I make mistakes and am wrong.

I’ve got some lived experiences being the daughter of an adoptee, who was forced to give her first child up to adoption in the Baby Scoop Era. I’m a former foster care young and now an adoptive parent. At times, all of this has given me insight/perspective but also it might hinder my current situation due to my own past. When I’ve asked this question in other adoptee led groups. The majority answer was no, don’t do it without consent, so I’ve respected their advice and haven’t done it. But there’s still a part of me that wants to. I’m not sure, if this is me challenging the status quo’s or if it’s really about me and my ego? I definitely like the idea of challenging the status quo because that’s what I’m always trying to do, but am not sure?

If you’ve made it through all of this I really appreciate the time it took you to read through all of this. Thank you for attempting to understand my perspective and offering any help.

One adoptee commented with this – Your assertion that your adopted children won’t mind their photos being shared because natural children don’t mind is weird. You have literally no way of knowing how they will feel as adults. We’ve made the choice not to share our recent child on social media and to stop posting our older child as well.

And she also offered this suggestion – We use a shared digital photo album. I have an iPhone and set up the album to share with all of our close friends and family. They can react the photos and leave comments, you can write captions on the photos too.