Adoption Gift Receipt

The “gotcha” thing is common but I’ve never liked it. Today, I read something about a gift receipt ? related to an adoption. I was completely lost on this one. The adoptive parents were asked if they kept the “gift receipt” to which they answered “she’s already been ours.”

Some comments – “The gift receipt comment just…Completely and absolutely oblivious to how much that dehumanizes that child.”

Then this – “I was ready to possibly say just delete and move on but the “gift receipt” comment really gets to me and it gets so tiring how how casually shit like this is thrown out there. It reminds me of how my parents referred to me as being “on sale” because they adopted me the day before the adoption rates at the agency I was placed with went up. It’s not cute or funny. It’s dehumanizing and gross.”

And this (I think I’m beginning to understand . . . ) “like wtf makes people okay with saying the shit they say?! It’s so disgusting the way they use these “cute innocent” remarks and jokes to glorify our trauma. It made me sick reading the gift receipt thing like what?! And with social media now… can you imagine this little girl growing up and finding this and reading that. In some ways social media had made adoption even worse then it already was.”

And one more from a mother of loss to adoption – “my daughter grew up hearing how she was a ‘gray market baby’. I was preyed upon and “pre birth matched” back before that became a thing.”

But before reading those comments above, I was searching google on this. I noted how many kinds of “adoption” certificates are out there !! Really. From Olive Trees to African Rhinos, Aardvarks, Monkeys and Unicorns. I’m certain you get the idea, everything under the sun; and of course, puppies and kittens. And a gift certificate for a day of play. No wonder I was so totally lost about the issue (though not any longer, now I do understand).

If you don’t know why “Gotcha” is an issue – read this – LINK>The Controversy of ‘Gotcha Day’.

And why I write these blogs – change happens on a systemic level, not an individual one. I have to remind myself of that a lot. I am constantly reminding myself that if I am true to my principles of trying to make that change happen, there are actionable things I *can* do that make a bigger impact and hurt less than try to change one heart at a time on social media.

NOT QUITE NARWHAL

I saw this book recommended to an adoptive parent. Then, I found a review at Red Thread Broken by Grace Newton (aka Grace Ping Hua). She is one of the 80,000 adoptees from China who currently live in the United States. She was born in Nanjing, Jiangsu Province, China. When she was two years old, she was abandoned and taken to the Nanjing Social Welfare Institute, where she stayed for a year. At three years of age, she was adopted and has lived in the United States ever since. She notes – “I have had the good fortune to go back to China twice and plan on returning in the near future.”

I have somewhat of a thing, but not an obsession, for unicorns. And the idea of this reminds me of Sandy in SpongeBob (she is a squirrel living in a air filled dome under the sea). From Grace’s review – “From the first page to the last, the illustrations in this book are darling. This book captures big and complicated emotions in very few words at an easy to grasp introductory level. Kelp knows he’s different from the other narwhals, and the author allows him to embrace feeling different without feeling ostracized.” Later she adds, “for adopted children the message is clear that it is okay and wonderful to hold love for both families.” blogger’s note – since learning about my original genetic grandparents and coming in contact with some of my genetic relations, an aunt and some cousins, that has proven a bigger struggle for me than I expected but I think I have finally arrived at that conclusion.

There are also some criticisms but she concludes with – “Though there are a couple of faults, the benefits greatly outweigh these and merit giving this book a read.” One criticism is that the author erased the parents from the book, but Grace believes that was an unintentional error given how carefully and clearly Sima emphasizes the importance of both worlds for Kelp. There is a lack of explanation regarding Kelp’s identity as a unicorn. And I definitely know this from acquaintances – many adoptees don’t find out until later in life that they are adopted.

Grace also notes that “the author of the book has left it open enough that Kelp can relate to any child living with loss and longing for love from both first and adoptive families, for a child navigating two households due to divorce, a child moving to a different school who wishes to keep old friends and make new ones, and many other situations of feeling torn.”

Adoptionland

There is a game similar to Candyland that I became abundantly aware of as I expanded my own understandings about the impacts of adoption.

There is an overly romanticized and idealistic love affair going on with adoption that brings to mind unicorns, rainbows and puffy hearts. In Adoptionland, clouds are made of spun sugar and the roads are lined with red licorice – nothing bad every happens in Adoptionland. All of the adopted children feel nothing but gratitude and their only goal in life is to make adoptive parents dreams come true.

The truth is that is marketing bunk. Follow the money applies here as it does in many other situations. The goal of the game is to take a newborn baby from its mother and give it to complete strangers who have enough money to pay for the baby. The game has been so entrenched that this selling and buying of babies has been legalized and hidden as fees, etc.

For many adoptees, adoption is an extremely complicated experience rife with confusion and mystery – mostly because the adoption industry doesn’t respect adoptees nor seek to serve their needs.

It may seem unbelievable but there really are people out there fighting against the restoration of an adoptee’s right to obtain her own, factual, birth certificate.

There are adoptive parents who relegate the original parents of the child they are so privileged to be raising into the role of “birth parent” only – like their only role in the life of their child was to give birth to that child – so they could adopt it. Much like a surrogate mother in some reproductive situations.

Some adoption agencies charge higher fees for white newborn babies but much less for black infants. There are states who work to make open adoptions unenforceable.

All of these unbelievable but true aspects of adoption are totally acceptable with most of the people in our adoption-focused culture. One has to intentionally seek to inform themselves to begin to understand the truth.