The Brigid Alliance

Learned about this non-profit organization today – The Brigid Alliance. I wish things were different but here we are. You might be surprised if you’ve not been listening to as many adoptee voices as I do every day, to learn how many will say plainly – I wish I had been aborted. Beyond that, many do not wish to have children themselves. Here’s one example –

I’m an adoptee, former foster youth and former kinship foster youth. I do not want to be a parent. I have multiple reasons some of which include severe mental health issues, cost, responsibility, dysphoria etc… I am on long term birth control and am in a long term serious relationship. Abortion access is not limited in my state currently but could definitely become restricted. If I were to become pregnant, my first choice would be abortion. However due to limited access, I know that might not always be possible. My question is what advice would you give to someone who is pregnant but doesn’t want to be a parent and can’t access abortion?

Clearly, pregnancy prevention should not be all on the woman in a committed relationship. Agreeing to a vasectomy, which is a form of male birth control that cuts the supply of sperm to the man’s semen. It’s done by cutting and sealing the tubes that carry sperm. A vasectomy has a low risk of problems and can usually be performed in an outpatient setting under local anesthesia. The man can opt to have a vasectomy reversal in the future. This is a surgery to undo a vasectomy. During the procedure, a surgeon reconnects each tube (vas deferens) that carries sperm from a testicle into the semen. After a successful vasectomy reversal, sperm are again present in the semen and a man may be able to once again get his partner pregnant.

In the case presented in this blog today, the male was not willing – so what else ? Pre-emptive preparation can help. Research what pharmaceuticals can be accessed online and know what the resources are in your state before you need them. The LINK> National Women’s Health Network has a fact sheet on safe and effective FDA-approved abortion pills (aka medication abortion) which are now available by mail in several states — without an in-person clinic visit.

Lastly, today I learned about LINK> The Brigid Alliance, a referral-based service that provides travel, food, lodging, child care and other logistical support for people seeking abortions. They prioritize clients who are beyond 15 weeks of pregnancy and for whom it’s generally more expensive and harder to find a provider near home. They are part of a growing ecosystem of support organizations propping up abortion care access in the US due to an increasingly hostile environment post-Roe.

The group takes their name from a story about St Brigid of Kildare who ministered to a nun who had failed to keep her vow of chastity, and became pregnant. Based upon a 1987 translation of the story: “A certain woman who had taken the vow of chastity fell, through the youthful desire of pleasure and her womb swelled with child. Brigid, exercising the most potent strength of her ineffable faith, blessed her, causing the child to disappear, without coming to birth, and without pain. She faithfully returned the woman to health and to penance.”

Gender Disappointment as a Cause for Adoption

I read about a mom who has gender disappointment and so wants to give her baby up for adoption. She doesn’t agree with having an abortion but is ok with choosing adoption because she didn’t want a girl baby.

There’s a huge difference between “oh man, I really wanted a girl/boy!!” vs “I don’t want this baby since it’s a girl, so I’m going to cause lifelong trauma in this child because I didn’t get my way.” Either way there will be major trauma.. staying with a mother who doesn’t want you or being given to a family who does but having adoption trauma.

Someone commented that there are thousands of families out there who would adopt this baby in a heartbeat. If the mother had chose abortion, she would just continue having kids. The commenter then asked, What if this happens again the next time she gets pregnant ?

I do agree – she needs the help of counseling before anything else can happen.

In my own family, I know that with my youngest sister, my parents were really hoping for a boy but got a third daughter. This sister now has serious mental problems, very likely a paranoid schizophrenic, but she also fought A LOT with our mom. I have to wonder if the disruption between them didn’t start in utero.

One woman shares this story – when my mom had my little sister, the mother that she shared a recovery room with asked if she had a boy or a girl. Upon hearing girl, she disappointedly said – if my mom had had a boy, she would ask to switch as she just had her 3rd girl.

Someone else noted – gender disappointment is so bad. Kids are more than their gender. Another noted – I see a lot of “well I want a girl for all the pretty dresses and rainbows and unicorns” but she might not even like those things. Or you might think you have a daughter until one day she tells you – he’s a boy. There’s no guarantee that they’ll be the gender you want, even if they’re born the “right” sex.

In my own family, we have also always tried to emphasize that we will accept and love our children no matter what, regarding gender identity and/or sexual preference.

Another wrote – I have twins, I wanted a b/g set and when I found out I was having 2 girls sure I was like “oh man I wanted a boy and a girl” but I wasn’t like super upset. Having gender disappointment is fine but it’s not a huge deal, not to mention gender doesn’t really mean anything anyways.

We actually have quite a few sets of twins in my mom’s group. Most are same gender twins but a couple were boy/girl twins. No one ever expressed any regret with the sex of the baby they birthed.

It has long been common in Asian cultures to prefer having sons. So comes this very sad story – she’s Korean and her parents are Caucasian. Very turbulent home life. On her 16th birthday, her parents said they don’t know when she was born, and she didn’t lose the tip of her finger from getting it slammed in a window at preschool, the story she had been told all her life. She was found in a dumpster/garbage can in Seoul. She was given an appropriate birthdate. She had gangrene in her finger/s, that was the one they couldn’t save.

And there is this sad story about why . . . I have suffered from gender disappointment. I honestly think my adoption has a lot to do with why I had gender disappointment. I have 4 boys and always wanted a girl. There are a lot of reasons why, one being trying to “right” the mother-daughter dynamics caused from adoption (I also had a pretty emotionally abusive adoptive mom). I also have always felt like an outsider in my family growing up, and I still feel like it even in the family I created.

My boys are daddy’s boys and have always loved following their dad around and doing the same things as him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, “Mom, you stay home. Just dad,” when my older boys were little. They have zero interest in anything that I’m interested in, so many times I’m stuck doing things alone. And yes, I already know girls can be the same way.

It’s not even about growing up dynamics, but more about adult. When children grow up, it’s seems to be more socially acceptable for daughters to be friends with their mothers than sons. You rarely see adult sons shopping, going to “girly” movies, or even vacations with their moms, yet these are pretty common with mothers and daughters. It is more acceptable for sons to hang out with their fathers when they’re older. Of course I hope my boys put their potential future families first because that’s healthy and what should be done, but knowing that I will be kept at a distance still makes me sad.

It’s just my abandonment issues talking.

One other woman writes – I can kind of relate to this. My adoptive dad didn’t really want kids, but would rather we were boys, if he had to have them at all. My adoptive mom found out she was pregnant with my sister when I was placed with them. Therefore, we are 9.5 months apart in age. My mom is very frilly and girly. She owned a dance studio, so we grew up doing dance and beauty pageants. Luckily, I liked those things. Anyway, we always heard people telling my dad how he was surrounded by girls and how he needed a boy…blah, blah, blah.

I also get this ALL. THE. TIME. “Are you going to try for a girl?” “Oh, you would have such a cute daughter.” “You NEED to have a girl! They are so fun!” It’s always so awkward…especially since my husband had a vasectomy after our 4th boy.

Choosing to Remain Child-Free

A conversation that came into my awareness this morning went like this –

I have a friend who recently underwent a procedure that will permanently sterilize her at 21 because she is certain she wants to be childfree.

Recently laws have passed that allow drs to deny this based on “good conscience”. It was already difficult enough to get it done.

What I’m surprised about is the different comments I have heard on this being said and the amount of uneducated people…

Some of the comments I’ve seen/heard –

“What about all the infertile women? You would never do that if you knew how many infertile women wanted babies!!”

“I can’t believe you would do that. What if you marry a man who wants children?”

“Sterilization should be illegal when there’s so many desperate good families hoping to adopt a newborn baby!”

Tell me – Why this is problematic ?

(I know why…I’m ready to protest it. I’m tired of laws going backwards. I’ve spent 2 years fighting with insurance over my own body just to have surgery because I’m at an extremely high risk for life threatening pregnancies.)

My body is not a political opinion nor is it my job or another woman’s job to be an incubator to push babies out for you because you’re infertile.

One woman shared – On Mother’s Day at my job I was asked if I have kids. I said no and I never want kids. Everyone acted like I’d just said something so heinous. One co-worker told me I should have babies and sell them. Like WTF ?!

She added – it really pisses me off how many stories I’ve heard about women who want to get this procedure and can’t because doctors say they need to have at least one kid already, they need a man’s approval, and/or they’re too young. Meanwhile, women have to put up with the side effects of birth control methods. It’s really belittling of women to think they can’t make these decisions for themselves. And misogynistic to leave it up to the husband to give his approval for the procedure. Or to not do it because there’s no male significant other to ask for permission. Like women can’t have their own bodily autonomy. As if we’re just possessions for men and only have value as breeders (a term that Georgia Tann used – dehumanizing).

One woman put it rather simply – If you don’t want children, you don’t marry someone who does. That’s basic compatibility.

Then there was this woman’s personal story – My older sister, now 40, still looks for a doctor to do a sterilization for her. She has never wanted a baby and asked at her first gyn appointment, when she was about 13, when she could have a sterilization. She never once wavered but it looks like she will never receive her desired treatment, because every doctor she asks, thinks she might change her mind. This so f***s me off! It’s her body, her decision, her money. Why does nobody give a f**k, when a man has a vasectomy??? Even childless men seem to be allowed to have one without questioning. That’s so biased.

My personal perspective ? It is our body, given to us to utilize however we want to while alive on this Earth. Every person’s decision should be honored as long as it is within legal boundaries – that includes abortion, sterilization, divorce, etc.