Grandmother

The photo is not the person I wish to acknowledge.  I know a woman who is a grandmother and her role in her grandson’s life was crucial.  Her youngest son impregnated a young woman.  The couple was not only unprepared to marry but not actually ready to parent either.

Into this young family’s support came the grandmother.  For four years, she was the dominant support in this young child’s life including where he slept at night – most nights.  This gave time for the young couple to mature without being entirely out of their child’s life.  I was the fortunate witness of the grandmother’s devotion to her grandson.

Just before the boy was to enter kindergarten, his parents brought him great joy by deciding to marry.  Making that commitment to one another official, changed the young mother seemingly overnight.  In my friend’s perspective, the young woman became a Super Mom heavily involved with her child’s public school.  The young boy lives full time with his parents now.

This is the difference a strong familial support can make in a young person’s life.  This is family preservation as it ought to be, though sadly not always.

A Never Ending Sorrow

Adoption is trumpeted today as a universal good thing. For infertile couples who wish to have a family, it is a solution. For religious organizations and fellow-travelers, agencies that use the mantle of religion – it is STILL a BUSINESS.

What is rarely talked about is the long-term mental and physical effect of surrendering a baby to others for adoption.

One expects short-term grief.

What of the long-term lasting impact – 4, 25 years later ?

We go on, have lives and live a code of silence with a toxic aftermath continuing.

Mothers compelled to search for their children are prone to lowered self-esteem, anxiety and worry about the child, required more doctor visits and attributed their physical and mental problems over the years to the adoption.

Many had parental pressure to surrender their child to adoption.

They had little or no emotional support during the pregnancy and relinquishment.

There were few or no opportunities to talk about their feelings related to the surrender and there was a lack of social support for their depression.

We should care more about mothers and their children as a society.

Family Preservation

Today, I discovered a whole world of efforts to preserve natural families and reduce the incidence of adoption to those children who truly need a family.

As the child of two adoptees, who barely avoided becoming one myself (my mother conceived me in high school out of wedlock) and as the aunt of my sister’s children given up for adoption, or taken from them by caring grandparents who proceeded to poison the poor child against their own mother and her family, and as someone who lost custody of my own daughter without intending to, simply for economic reasons – I really care about being part of the evolving trend of doing everything humanly possible to keep mothers and their children together.

Today, I discovered familypreservation365.com and their related efforts.  In googling for images, I found there are many people out there trying keep families intact.

Adoption is a valuable alternative when there isn’t any other.  It should be used sparingly and for all of the right reasons.