So for years you have been trying to conceive and after several miscarriages, you have decided there is only one way to get that baby you have been dreaming of – adopt one. Just don’t do it.
I am the child of two adoptees and both of my sisters gave up children to adoption and for the last few years I have really gotten an education about what adoption does to people. I belong to a group which discusses the reality of adoption among all the members of the triad – the original parents, the adoptees and the adoptive parents and the bottom line understanding is – please just don’t do it.
Your first order of business should be to let some time pass before you start thinking about adoption. It is very important that the feelings of loss and grief are given time to take their course. Realize that you may look at a child you adopt and think: What if?, or: I wish… or: would my own child look/behave/be different? It is important that you work through these questions BEFORE any child is adopted. Seek the help of a therapist.
Then realize this – there are no positives for the baby or their mother in infant adoption. Pregnant women are targeted by agencies so they can make money from selling their babies. It’s an unregulated baby broker business with big money involved. Among those who know (adoptees who are now mature adults) infant adoption is looked at as terrible because of the unethical practices that come with it. Beyond that simple fact is the loss of the child’s natural family and true identity.
About the only idea that is acceptable would be adopting children who are in foster care whose parental rights have been legally terminated. And even in this case the plan should be for an adoptive parent to do everything they can to keep some kind of relationship open for the child with the natural family in any way possible. Guardianship is preferred over adoption but many states won’t allow guardianship as a long term option.
Adopt someone who wants to be adopted, and is old enough (13 or older) to consent to adoption. Adopt a legally available child from the foster care system. Do not change their identity in any way. Be sure you have complete medical records so they can live a more normal life as they mature. Babies grow up. The child you adopt will be grown very quickly but the damage you could do will last a lifetime.
Missing Mom 
I had a hard time conceiving and work as a Child and Youth Practitioner so I know what adoption looks like. You I had people tell me that I was selfish to not want to adopt. I explained to them these children didn’t give up their parents, and they are sold to you which to me is not ethical. I would much rather have known a child living in the streets with no where to go and help them out. As they have a choice in the matter. It tends to be a story of heartbreak for everyone and it will not heal the sense of not having been able to conceive. Most people believe they did the greatest thing in adopting but truly it was done mostly cause they could not have kids. Foster parenting is tough too but those kids need genuineness, not just for the money and love and patience!!!!! Thanks for your share.
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Thank you for your realistic point of view. Growing up adoption was the most normal thing in life as both of my parents were adoptees. Therefore, each of my two sisters eventually gave up children for adoption. Until I finally began recovering my own genetic and cultural roots, I had no idea . . . but learning of the impacts, I see how those affected us. I thought my parents must be orphans with very sad stories they never talked about. I didn’t know there were people out there living lives who were actually my original relatives. I did realize we didn’t know where we came from because my parents were adopted when all my childhood friends knew they were French or German or whatever. I do understand infertility. I experienced secondary infertility because I had remarried and after 10 years of marriage, my husband realized he wanted to have children. It isn’t a perfect choice but we did have assisted reproduction utilizing an egg donor and both of our sons have the exact same genetics and know how they were conceived. The good part of our choice is that they grew in my womb and nursed at my breast. The genetics matter but any negative impacts are less than if we had taken a baby from another woman. We didn’t break any mother-child bonds. My youngest son was disappointed to know he didn’t share any genes with me. On 23 and Me, my sons’ egg donor is acknowledged as their “mother” and in a genetic sense that is accurate. I have faced that truth without flinching. Thank you for your comments. It is very much appreciated.
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Thanks for your story!
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