A Thread of Connection

The author at age 3

I believe there exists an unconscious connection between an adoptee and his or her biological family.

There are two adoptees who are also my parents. It is interesting to see how the naming of the children of those two in my family turns out to be the same as a name chosen by ancestors for another person in our genetic lineage.

I was named Deborah. I was told it was because my paternal adoptive grandparents were worried about my soul when I was conceived out of wedlock. Now that I have learned about my original ancestors, I know that my own father’s genetic great-aunt, who died at age 3 when she was run over by a car, was also named Deborah.

When my own daughter was very young, a woman I worked with lost her young son the same way. I put the fear into my daughter to protect her until she was old enough not to need such a protection, even though at the time I did not know this story of my own ancestral Deborah.

My parents named my sister, born 13 months after me, “Lou” Anne. Now that I have learned about my original ancestors, I know that my mom’s natural mother’s name was Elizabeth “Lizzie” Lou. When I tracked down one of her nephews, he referred to her Aunt Lou. Our youngest sibling always calls my sister “Lou”.

In the adoption file I received from the state of Tennessee were 4 black and white negatives. One turned out to be my mom’s original mother holding her. The first time I saw it, I thought of my sister and feel she bears a strong resemblance to the woman.

I’m a believer that these threads of connection remained even though the ties back to our ancestors had been severed by adoption practices that took from us this knowledge until less than 2 years ago.

My Daughter Mini Me

What happens when a young daughter doesn’t have a mother for a role model ? Here I am not speaking of an alternative mother but the natural mother. I think about this because both of my original grandmothers lost their own mothers at a young age, during their childhood.

There is a wide range of mother-daughter relationships. Some are not happy ones but I doubt any daughter would say her mother was not at all influential, even if the influence was a contrast telling her own self how she did not want to be.

If a daughter is fortunate, she will have a mother who is a blessing and who will be forever missed once she is no longer physically incarnated. Some of my friends had those kinds of mothers.

It may be that my relationship with my own mother was not all that unusual. We had a complex relationship. I did love her dearly. I remember sitting in the kitchen on the deep freeze while she cooked dinner, chattering away. I don’t know if she really listened or not but I appreciated having her captive. I get a similar treatment sometimes these days from my sons. Sometimes I was frustrated with my own mother. Sometimes I didn’t like her perspectives. Sometimes I was unkind or unreasonable in my expectations of her.

Girls learn a lot about being a woman from their “mother” and that is true even if their “mother” is an alternative one to the original mother.

Special ?

A child that has been told he is “special”
will feel that he has to be perfect
in order to retain the love and acceptance
of his adoptive parents.

Whether or not the adoptive parents exert any pressure,
the child may feel a need to live up to unattainable expectations.

Unable to do so, the child may feel inadequate and worthless.

~ The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier

Sadly, some of those children will end up in need of adoption a second time. It is easy to understand how deeply disrupted this will be for their lives. Such an experience could leave the child with lifelong doubts about their worth.

To be separated from one’s original mother is always traumatic. But an adoption dissolution carries a significant risk of additional trauma to the child.

Such a child is at high risk for forming insecure attachments and will have difficulty trusting adult caregivers. May have difficulty maintaining any caring relationship once they are mature.

Is it any wonder ?